Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

I actually feel sick reading this.

You want to think if you’re ever in this situation you will be strong and walk away. I have to admit I’d fall to bits and pray he would come grovelling back, because let’s face it - no one ever thinks they will be in this situation.

Everyone will offer you different advice. Mine would be to take control of the situation. Tell him it’s over. Make him miss you by getting on with your life.

I am so so sorry this is happening you. With regards to kids, if he’s not asked much about them do you think he’ll want 50/50? You’re absolutely smashing this with three young kids! @Bboo3 I feel devastated for you. 💐

I'm sorry but I don't completely agree. Bad/anxious adulthoods can equally come from acrimonious parents visiting their distress or anger on their children (such as talking explicitly or implicitly about the other parent being a bully). I think put the children (who are made of both parents and they know this and don't want to disappoint either) first and treat the other parent with respect while holding a firm line with the other parent if necessary but not bringing the children into the parental disputes. Nobody is saying "roll over and show your belly". I'm saying if this marriage is over, the children will have to transition to new arrangements and acrimony and saying the other parent is bullying so don't stay with them really doesn't help anybody. I am in my 50s and still recall the distress from my parents trying to get one over on each other through us children

…and he’s not telling me who she is.

Well, @Bboo3, this shows how deeply entrenched he is with OW. He is firmly prioritizing and protecting her, and plans to continue doing so.

He believes that he has the upper hand and is mocking your requirements.

You really do need to cut him off and tell him it’s over … that you’ve had enough of his heinous behaviour.

but there's always that hope that he'll poor his heart out to me and apologise and grovel and say he'll stick to my terms.

You don't really want this. You might think you do but it's likely that if he does do this you're just putting off the heartbreak for a while.

It is done.
Earlier today he text saying when can he see the kids, he misses them.
I said you can see them but you have to know what your plans are so we can be honest with them and they don't think you're coming back if that's not your plan.
He said he has made his decision, it will be even worse than before if he came back because I now have "rules' in place.
He wanted to see them this weekend but it's my birthday!!
He wanted to see them after school but they got so upset over the video call that the girls ended up in tears at school and my youngest (2) told nursery he doesn't have a daddy! He has been reassured he has he's just not Living here now.
So I've said next weekend. Also they don't want to leave the house to see him. My girls have both said they want me to sit upstairs and daddy come to the house to see them. So they can come and see me if they need to. It's heart breaking.
How does it work with him seeing them? I'm not forcing them to go out the house with him, and just hope he doesn't either! Is it all my call?

I think at early stages he can come to the house but as time goes on this will be confusing for the children and you.

Why don’t you encourage them to go to park together

sorry this is happening to you. Get all your finances in order. Xx

Well as he has parental responsibility he can see them whenever he chooses, you don't have any right to prevent him from doing anything in relation to the children or being in the house even. Longer term plans for the residency of the children will be sorted out as part of the divorce but you're essentially relying on him working with you in their best interests. Even when the residency order is sorted out it would still involve going through the courts to get the children returned if either parent decides not to hand them over when it's time, I've seen a number of posts here where that has happened.

My advice is to stay calm, save copies of all communication and do everything you can to avoid open conflict. At the moment he seems to be taking the position that you are the default parent and thus are entitled to call the shots, you want to keep him thinking that if you can.

@Bboo3 I am sorry he’s being such an arse about this. It’s completely wrong of him to be placing the blame on you for the breakdown. If he sincerely cared about you or about repairing your marriage he would be dragging himself over hot coals to make right what he’s done. And there isn’t so much as an apology.

It’s not wrong for you to set conditions that are designed to protect your feelings and provide a foundation to rebuild trust, and it really does speak volumes that he feels he wouldn’t be able to commit to them.

He is clearly writing the break-up story he will be telling others, so I think it’s not unreasonable now to decide what you will be telling friends and family. He will be trying to get his retaliation in first, from the sounds of it, so a simple “He had an affair, decided to leave for a few days, and then wanted to come home without committing to rebuilding our marriage or regaining my trust. I am obviously very hurt by his behaviour, but the kids and I deserve honesty and a clear path forward, so the split is for the best.”

You have been so strong, and it is clear that he is shocked that you are standing up for yourself and not just bending to his will. Big hugs, OP. I know this is horrible and hurts, but you will come out the other side stronger and happier without your oxygen thief husband.

Is there any way you can access professional counseling to guide the children through this in a less traumatic way? They don't need all the negativity dumped on them at this stage.

“He had an affair, decided to leave for a few days, and then wanted to come home without committing to rebuilding our marriage or regaining my trust. I am obviously very hurt by his behaviour, but the kids and I deserve honesty and a clear path forward, so the split is for the best.”

This is an excellent and calm message. As you can see, he is already preparing his story about being unhappy and it being impossible to live with 'rules' you demanded were put in place. You are being framed as the perpetrator not the victim here.

Personally I would shorten it to 'the rotten git had an affair and thought he could waltz back through the door, not even sorry, but I soon put his gas at a peep, the cheeky fucker' :)

And then OP would have people thinking that she hadn’t considered a perfectly reasonable path to reconciliation that her twat of an ex had rejected.

Sometimes the longer message saves the need to endlessly rehash the fact that her not letting him back in is not an emotional knee-jerk reaction to be overturned when she’s ‘calmed down’, but the only rational course of action. I don’t doubt that the ex will at some point be trying to paint OP to all and sundry as emotional and irrational and overreacting. Better to nip that shit in the bud.

So I have got my finances sorted and I have a solicitor booked. I am freezing his mortgage responsibilities so that when I can pay him out I will but he won't keep accruing the equity building.
Now it's a matter of the children.
He is coming week on Saturday to see them here.
I am obviously gaining legal advice but one weekday night and one weekend day are what I'm willing to start with. He work 8.30-4.30 so can't do drop off or pick up at school.
He doesn't even have his own place so I'm also going to say if the children want to go with him then ok, but they get the final say of where.

Well done op with all steps you've taken in such short space of time. Stay strong, you've got this.

Well done @Bboo3
My now ex husband pulled a similar stunt - said he needed space but was just a cruel way of making me sit and wait for him.

Some may criticise your plan on the custody front but I agree with your approach. My twins were 1 when he left and eldest 6. Their dad doesn't have his own place so I don't allow overnights. Contact was initially at my house and I'd go get the shopping done for an hour every other weekend but now eldest is older she is really struggling emotionally with him being in what was our family home for contact (especially during school holidays when he is here for an entire day - I go out to work) so I'm stopping that now. I'm leaving it Up to the kids how much or little they have contact with him - I won't force it like I see some others do for custody arrangements- if they never want to stay overnight when he gets his own place (it's been 2 years!) then so be it. This is all of his own doing

Don't let it go on too long him coming to your home - for you more than anything - I found it very unsettling and upsetting having him back in the house like he never left treating it like he still lived there. You need your own space to be able to come to terms with this and move on

Thank you. I was ready to get slated but this is reassuring. I want them to be happy with the agreement.
He walked away. He won't change his habits to come back. His doing.

Exactly that - he had all the power choice and control here. People will slate you that they are 50% his blah blah blah but he also had a 50% responsibility (if not more) to come home and try and make his marriage work

Do what's best for you and your children. Only you know them best. I know my ex won't take me to court for more custody so maybe easy for me to say and when the shine of his texting partner wears off OP and he realises what he has done he might take a harder line with you and request more time with them but deal with that when and if it comes

I also had my ex husband agree in the divorce payments he wouldn't get his pay out until the twins started school

Wow, the absolute definition of fuck around and find out. Your man is facing the consequences of his own actions here ❤️❤️

You are doing amazing. I did the same with my kids ( they were 5 and 7 at the time)
Baby steps for them not for what he wants. Contact ( or whatever it is now called) is for the benefit of the kids not him. They did build up to weekends when he finally got his own place and then as teenagers they voted with their feet and just saw him when they felt like it.
So glad you on top of mortgage etc. That is great news.

I think I would have made the decision for him, or I like to think I would as he's treating you and your family like they are disposable, thinking he can drop you and just pick up where he left off if he chooses, disgusting behaviour.

If this someone else is making him happy does that mean that you and your children aren't?

I've just found out he's moved back in his with mum who he's hasn't spoken to for 2 years and she despises me. He's living in her summer house!
I don't want my children to give there. They haven't seen her for 2 years and only my eldest daughter would know who she is now. Any legal advice? Can I stop this?

You rock

that’s it all baby steps for the kids as this will have unsettled and upset them from the get go.

is he coming for the full day on Saturday if so go out do not be the default parent because from the sounds of it he’ll try thst like he’s never left.

go shopping or see friends and do not answer the phone to him unless an emergency.

i found it therapeutic to be honest doing it that way but he came for nearly 3 years to mine and I had to stop doing so for the kids sakes.

What a tw@t….
There is another woman OP, that’s why he behaves like this. If you can, kick him out without giving him any opportunity to “think” and make sure arrangement is 50-50. I would be curious to see how him and his mistress (vile woman to get involved with a married man, father of 3 young toddlers) react when reality kicks in and he has to take care of the kids half of the time.

Thr children want me to stay upstairs incase they need me, their words. So I'm doing it for them

No way. I'm not agreeing to 50:50. They don't want to leave the house to see him! They want him to come visit so I can be available. It feels like they've lost their trust in him too