Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the time to think, I did and I am pretty sure I don’t want you to come back.

Belng a SAHM is such a trap for so many.

Hmmm. Are your bank/savings accounts joint? This reads, I am sorry to say, like he is wanting a few more days to "sort out his finances". I've seen this many a time. I worked in financial services for several decades. You can tell bank you are in dispute and they must freeze your joint accounts, send letters separately to each account holder to their last known address and cancel payments and cards. In my time, the male tended to empty the account before the female realised and redirect his pay to a new account. I can't say what would happen in your case. I am just saying what I've seen in the past. I did think from your earlier post this situation might be retrievable, and I am not saying it definitely isn't, but he is texting this woman and trying to delay you doing anything so I am sorry to say that doesn't auger well

You need both signatures to change a joint account to single. Mostly couples don't agree in my experience. I used to advise to open a new sole account and put a dispute indicator on joint account so it was frozen and would remain frozen until the parties agreed how to dispose of the joint account

This in spades. Huge well done @Bboo3 I hope you have the strength to continue to the end as you've started.

He has agreed to come off the joint account. There's not a lot in it anyway.
I'm strong most the time but at night I still cry. I want my old husband back, I don't even know the man he is right now 😭

No wonder you cry when you've time to think about yourself he's waltzed off leaving you to pick up the pieces after detonating yours and the kids world apart.

I'm so sorry OP, just heartbreaking he's doing this to you and the kids. Honestly, it doesn't sound good and looks as if he's easing his way out. I know you're heartbroken, go easy on yourself, you did not deserve this. You're being amazingly strong, keep doing what you're doing. What the hell is happening to men, I hope karma comes big time to him.

It must have taken some courage to write that, I feel for you.
Don't feel like you have to stay because you didn't leave as soon as you found out what he did. It's never too late to change your mind if you're not happy with how your future looks.

Sending you huge hugs. Of course you're still crying. You're processing a massive massive shock. The man you loved is not the man you thought he was. And you're coming to terms with the fact that your old husband is gone for good. He will never again be that person in your eyes.

If you do decide to give things another go, realise you can't repair what you had. You'll need to build something new with him if there's any chance of it working out. You're both different people now because of the bombshell he dropped. Those two different people will be needing to build their marriage again.

All the best 💐

I don't know how it would be possible to rebuild anything with someone who has shown such cruelty.

No normal person cheats then acts like his wife owes him time off.

You can't have a foundation with someone with such contempt for you. Not of any kind.

Don't ever let that viper back into your bed.

As for the kids, if he does want back and you have to say no then that's a fantastic teaching moment to say 'Sometimes we have to say no to relationships because they are not healthy for us and make us sad'

It sounds like you're scared he will use you not letting him back against you via the kids. That's why it's very important to be clear with them 'Daddy doesn't love mummy the way he should. He makes me sad. And when I'm sad I can't be the best mum for you that I should be. So we're not getting back together. And thats the right decision. But know that I love you very much and I'm always here if you need to talk'.

Going forwards, talk to them lots about how to spot bullying and how we never stay with bullies or people who bully others. Focus on making sure they firm strong morals, so they don't turn out like their dad. Discussions about right and wrong and the morals of certain situations might be useful to have over the years at the dinner table.

Hopefully they won't turn out like him.

OP i'm sorry but he's treating you like an absolute mug, tell him to fuck off. My guess would be the other woman is going to let him know by friday if she's leaving her partner or he's giving it another few days to decide who he wants to be with. Even if he picks you tis time, it'll be a matter of time before you're here again!

I cannot believe a parent would ever not ask how their child's first day of school was, but fuss over having their trainers dropped off for them.

So sorry OP x

The man he is right now is the real him.

That's true. He's been so cruel that's not the husband I know. I said if he comes back I'll have my own terms, not going out for a bit then easing back into it once my trust grows. But never until 3/4am like you used to. And I want to know who she is and what you've spoken about. He said it ridiculous never going out and he's not telling me who she is. So I feel like he's made his mind up really. It'll be too much like hard work for him to come back. I'm 98% sure it's over, but there's always that hope that he'll poor his heart out to me and apologise and grovel and say he'll stick to my terms. But I can't see it if I'm being honest to myself

This. Raise your bar OP, you are worth more than sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind and then living with the uncertainty.
‘I need a little time’ by Beautiful South springs to mind.
Be kind to yourself

I understand your point of view but. My parents had an acrimonious divorce and said things to us children against each other. It was not helpful because children know they are a part of each parent (regardless of if the parent does something unwise) and they are torn between each parent and become distressed and try and hide their feelings. It really isn't helpful to start talking about bullying behaviour in the context (while explicit or unsaid) about the childrens' father in my experience. I'd say rise above it, treat people respectfully, do the best you can by your children and the children will form their own opinions when they are older

If he wasn't having sex with her before, he absolutely is now.

This week away is his guilt free excuse to test the new relationship, which is fine as you're on a break (that's how it works, right?).

If it doesn't work out with her, he can decide he wants to work on your marriage and return to how things were before.

Don't take him back, you'll just find yourself back in this position a year or two down the road.

He used to go out until 3/4am when he had young children!?

Why are you allowing him the option of coming back?

I kind of agree with CornishMaid. Previously I thought there was a possibility of this being patched up but your posts since outset don't fill me with hope. An old friend of mine took her husband back after a dalliance with another woman. He swore he wouldn't ever betray her again and begged for forgiveness. A few years later, he repeated his behaviour, enforced house sale (they were childless) and left her with financial issues. You are not in that position. You have children their father has to provide for and he has to provide for you as their primary carer. I said before and can only repeat. Legal advice may be helpful. But I also say it's not a great idea to use your children as a weapon by saying bad things about their father. Your H has a job so can't be the childrens' carer 50/50. I think, don't get mad, rise above the situation (although that's not easy) and put the children and yourself at the heart of what happens next. I wish you well

Because part of her wants him back?
But of course the same person will never be back, he's tainted himself

OP, I can assure you that even if he did come back (although I have no idea why you would want him to) that telling him he can't go out and getting all the details about the OW won't make an ounce of difference.

You still won't trust him. Every time he goes on his phone you'll be wondering who he's texting. When he goes out to the shops or to work you'll be doubting whether he's lying to you. No matter how much info he gives up about the OW it will never be the full truth. You'll find yourself looking her up on social media, trying to find out more information about her. Whenever you're hormonal or have had a glass of wine or he pisses you off, you'll start to wobble and throw it back in his face and it will all come to the surface again.

Honestly, it is NOT worth it.

Find your self respect, your dignity and your love for yourself and put yourself first. You deserve to be someone's first choice, not their back up option.

@Bboo3 I mean this very gently and with experience under my belt, trying to appear strong by laying down ultimatums like this does not work. It is the pick me dance.

It creates a situation where their ‘connection’ is being challenged by the evil wife who just won’t let them find their happy. They are up star struck lovers up against the world.

If (and I don’t know why) you’re even considering taking this man back then you have to be very VERY prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. It has to be him begging and offering YOU the world to repair. He is not. He is nowhere near remorseful or safe. He is still very involved and still believes this other woman to be the route to his ‘happy’.

You challenge that narrative by not even engaging in conversations about moving forward, by drawing a firm and clear line in the sand that you no longer want him. That you deserve better.

From that stance he either shapes up or ships out. And that could take time.

And by the time he’s had it you will hopefully have realised what an utter lowlife this man is!

I suspect he’s only saying it would be ridiculous not to go out and won’t tell you who she is, because if he did come back he would be wanting to keep seeing her on the side. And that’s only possible if you have no clue who she is and he has freedom to go out and lie about where he’s going.

He really does think he’s a prize, doesn’t he? But if he did apologise and grovel, would you really trust him? Or would he suck it up for a week and then start tugging at the leash, or just being a bit late back from work, until he’s back to his old ways and you don’t even have the benefit of no longer having to cook and clean for him?

If he’s not staying with her this week, whichever friend he has landed with will likely not want him hanging around indefinitely. Far more convenient if he can convince you to take him back pro tem, with the affair acknowledged and therefore somehow above board and less shitty if it continues.

But it's going to be acrimonious divorce whether op likes it or not. That's why it very important to make it clear with the kids that it is the right thing for it to be over and that we should not stay in unhappy relationships.

He may f and blind and try pit her against the kids but if she's had a clear conversation with them early on, about right and wrong, about not being with people who are no longer right for us, then they understand her perspective and he has less to work with. She doesn't need to badmouth him, she just needs to ne clear that we do not stay in unhappy relationships.

As for bullying discussions, theyre important because you don't want them growing up marrying men like their dad. Yes at some point, likely in their teens they may put 2 and 2 together and realise their dad is an ass. And that is hard for any child. But so important. So they can make healthy choices like their mother did and recognise that just because you have feelings for someone, doesn't mean you hang around you tolerating their bs.

Bad childhoods suck. But bad whole lives due to things they've picked up in childhood, those are far worse.

He's never going to be nice to op. Rolling over and showing him your belly doesn't help in these situations.