Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

I second the Runaway Husbands and book. It makes you realise you're not the bad bitch in all of this.

Oh he got angry did he? Like what has he done for them recently? He hasn’t so much has asked how they are, he has walked out and he has no say in what you tell your kids, you’re the only active parent they have.

I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened

Utter cunt. Another failure of a man hiding behind ‘mental health’. Ugh. Make the decision for him. Tell him she’s welcome to him. He’s a total dud.

He’s a selfish piece of shit. Truly. I bet he was selfish and shit in other ways too, you’ll see that soon.

So today he messaged saying we need to make a plan with money, kids etc. So I did, I've applied for help etc. But then he text me saying don't send any forms off until Friday (thats the end of this week away). He thought that was still the plan and he needs time to de-stress and think. But he's still texting the woman!
I said that if you stop texting her and decide you want to try again, then I will have my own rules in place and you won't be coming back anytime soon, I need to decide if the trust can ever be regained.
Mind fuck, I know I should just kick him out now. But I don't want the kids to find out I'm not letting him back if he decides to try

Crikey, what a bastard he is.

Where does he get the idea from that he can swan off for a week to 'think' about what he wants - this OW he's got waiting in the wings, or you, your relationship and his entire family life and the kids; and you have to sit there waiting for him to decide whether he wants to come back or not?

It is perhaps now beginning to dawn on him that he doesn't hold all the cards in this situation, and this week is also allowing you to decide whether you want him back.

Don't do the 'Pick Me' dance.

Use the next couple of days to decide whether you would ever be able to get over this kind of betrayal and have him back... or not.

It's never going to be the same again is it?

He's still texting the women because he wants to know if he can be with her. If she turns him down he might "decide to try" on is marriage instead. He's an arsehole and he belongs in the bin. He isn't ever going to give you peace of mind, respect or any reason to trust him. You and your kids deserve better than being messed around like this. Good for you taking back some control over the future, make sure you keep it.

But I don't want the kids to find out I'm not letting him back if he decides to try

You need to be prepared for this either way. My mother had multiple affairs when she was married to my dad, and ended up getting pregnant by and eventually marrying the last one. Despite this, she tried to convince me and my siblings that it was my dad who was instigating the divorce (yes, he did file the divorce paperwork…but based on her actions).

You can’t stay with him based on lies he might tell your children. Remember…he is a liar. He is carrying on with an extramarital relationship. You did not start this—he did. He threw a grenade into your family. It is not your job to “fix” this.

What help and forms are you talking about? He should be supporting the family.

Maybe he's given the OW an ultimatum. She has until Friday to decide if she wants him, or he'll go back to you and the kids. He really is disgusting op. If you take him back, he will do it again.

Forms and help such as universal credit and changing bank accounts so not joint anymore

You're doing really well.

FWIW there's no way I'd agree to 50:50 based on his behaviour. He consistently puts himself first. That's not good for the children. He might shout and argue the toss (in an effort to avoid paying child support) but he's showing exactly what he thinks of the children in the way he's had nothing to do with them while he's been off shagging the new woman. And please don't be naïve - he's definitely doing that. I would be completely amazed if he wasn't living with her already.

I’m in awe, look at you not taking any shit from the wanker. Well done ❤️

Holy shit lady get your sharebof that money out of that bamk account right now!

He's not asking you to hold off on the money stuff whist he thinks. He's asking you to hold off until he has a plan in place to fuck you over.

Get your money out before he drains the account!!!!!!!

Amd don't think he won't. This forum has seen it time and time again 'oh I don't think he would do that' and of course he does!

This cunt literally had the cheek to tell you he was having an emotional affair and wanted q week to think about whether or not he'd miss you! He's an utterly areshole.

And you've pissed him off by (rightly) ending it.
Hes now going to try to fuck you over. Guarantee it.

Get your dosh somewhere safe. And contact contact solicitor ASAP for advice. And put a cms claim in.

Don't get yourself into a situation of feeling you have to take him back because you have no money because he has cleared the joint account and is refusing to pay child support.

It could be as pp said that he is waiting to hear back if it's viable with the new woman but...it's very specific if he's mentioning the forms and money stuff... it suggests to me he's thinking of working a fast one with that.

Eg: hiding money. Or quitting his job to live off the other woman so he doesn't need to pay child support. Get the cms claim in now so that it's last months earnings they will base the claim off (if thats how it works I dunno but it might be)

If he's telling you do do something, it's not for your benefit.

So you hold off till Friday, wow!@ what so he walks back in and decides, maybe he will give it ago with you but won't promise anything??, please take this control out of his hands, also the kids are going to be confused,
Dad hasn't made any contact with the children, oh ask about them on Saturday last, please op don't allow him to control you and kids,
Stay ' gray rock' maybe say relationship is over you need him to move out and your sorting out finances, guessing he will turn up Friday but please be prepared for him and his controlling ways,

Listen to @Pinkbonbon

Get your share of the money and complete the forms ASAP for benefits. It is NOT up to him how you take steps to protect yourself.

At to But I don't want the kids to find out I'm not letting him back if he decides to try
You do not need and never will need to justify your actions to the children. It is in their best interests to have a mother with self-respect and self-esteem, rather than one who lets this useless disloyal tosser dictate the terms. YOU get to decide how life is going to proceed.

Please, get some support from Women's Aid or some of the other suggestions. Call a solicitor. Gather information.

I'm on sertraline and recently had my dose doubled but I've never felt the need to leave my DH for a week

Do not let him back - this is just an excuse to play away and, in his eyes, get away with it

@Bboo3 so he has a plan that you don't know about. You putting in forms will upset those plans.
His plans will not be in your best interest, they will be in his best interest.
Time to look after yourself and get those forms in damn quick.
Don't be me, playing nice and playing catch up for ever after.

You are doing brilliantly, @Bboo3.

I would send off any forms for benefits asap and not wait for him. You can always withdraw a claim, but processing times can be quite long, so best to get on with it.

I might wait on the banking one if you’re not yet sure where you’re going with things, but I would make very sure I have everything prepped and ready to go. And TBH, there is no harm in you opening a separate current account for yourself right away. It can always lie dormant and ready.

However, other posters have given sound advice with regard to CMS applications and the fact he might try to weasel out of supporting you and the kids, so make very sure you have an eye on the balances in the joint accounts, and either screenshots or photos of the balances on screen as a record if he does anything stupidly greedy.

You’ve got this.

I don’t have any experience of divorce or custody battles but was just thinking that taking screenshots of messages where he talks about the other woman or demonstrates lack of interest or concern for the children might be worthwhile incase he chooses to delete them later. I’m guessing they could be useful to evidence his behaviour. Even if it is just to yourself when he tries to gaslight you later, I’ll eat my hat if he doesn’t.

I know this is deep projection, but…

I forgave my DH after his infidelity (texting over several months, which turned into “just a drunk snog”, which turned into a hotel… which was discovered and exposed by her DH).

I am now really struggling to forgive myself. The relationship has got back onto a good-enough footing, the affair/any chance of another affair is absolutely shut down and he’s done everything he can (full phone access, changed his hobbies, tracking apps, couples counselling) to be better. And he did this immediately, no begging from me, no time away for a week… So I’ve forgiven him. BUT I feel a level of shame that I never expected, and feel like I’ve lost all self respect for not being strong enough to kick him out immediately.

I reflect back on my actions from that time and I am not proud of the choices I made.

In a years time, will you be proud?

He's only depressed because he can't have his cake and eat it.

As for staying with his mate. Mmm, right OK. And what happens when this week segues into two?

I suggest that you take the time to get your head in a good place and on the basis of what happens in 7 days time give him his marching orders. Or not and make it crystal clear that his nonsense is not going to be tolerated.

Be strong and end it.
Send the forms.
Transfer some money out of any joint accounts (leave a little bit for him in case he gets nasty, then he can’t claim you took it all).
If you need a second opinion post here, don’t take his word on anything - do not give in.
He needs to realise that messaging anyone else is cheating Psychologically/emotionally and is just as bad as physically cheating!
You’ll go through the grieving process, get support from family/friends/here/therapy….whatever you need!
We all go through difficult times (I’m perimenopausal, my partner is 40 next year…we’re both feeling emotional but would never leave like that or cheat!)

He’s still texting the other woman! The fucking cheek of him to think he’s still welcome home!!!

Well done you @Bboo3 on standing your ground. Send the forms when you want to send them. He’s forfeit any right to decide what’s best for you and DC.

Nothing you do at this point is irreversible if you decide to give him another chance. If nothing else, sending the forms will let him know he’s on very thin ice with you. Hopefully, that’ll focus his mind.

Change the music OP. Make this about what you want now.