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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

581 replies

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 13:27

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP posts:
RobinEllacotStrike · 05/09/2024 16:56

as an aside OP I have flown with a Chinese airline & transited in a Chinese airport in a city I had never heard of (emergency last minute flights so I had no choice).

Flight was great, the airport was amazing - clean calm and with great food. So
don't let that put you off.

Pinguastic · 05/09/2024 16:56

Changing flights in China is a normal thing to do , airline staff will help.

Don’t make like you could not handle it. Because it’s China.

justasking111 · 05/09/2024 16:57

I'm puzzled about China. From Leeds Bradford the stopovers are in Dublin and Abu Dhabi. Where are you flying from @4556689vdrfjjh

Outnumbered99 · 05/09/2024 16:59

I don't think you sound entitled at all, its a red flag for me.

justasking111 · 05/09/2024 17:01

RobinEllacotStrike · 05/09/2024 16:56

as an aside OP I have flown with a Chinese airline & transited in a Chinese airport in a city I had never heard of (emergency last minute flights so I had no choice).

Flight was great, the airport was amazing - clean calm and with great food. So
don't let that put you off.

My brother lives in China, he says that the airports are great. He hates arrivals and departures in the UK.

KateMiskin · 05/09/2024 17:02

Flying alone and changing in China is not difficult, and I would be put off any partner who couldn't manage it.

Alina3 · 05/09/2024 17:02

Oof. The cold feet make sense, you're acting extremely entitled. Very offputting.

deeahgwitch · 05/09/2024 17:02

Gosh I'm going against the majority view here and would have thought if you are in a relationship for a year that this means a lot and "I love you " has probably been said to each other.
If you love someone and are in the happy financial position to be able to afford to bring your loved one away on holiday sure why wouldn't you ?

Shooola · 05/09/2024 17:04

deeahgwitch · 05/09/2024 17:02

Gosh I'm going against the majority view here and would have thought if you are in a relationship for a year that this means a lot and "I love you " has probably been said to each other.
If you love someone and are in the happy financial position to be able to afford to bring your loved one away on holiday sure why wouldn't you ?

Because he said he can't afford it. So what should he do take out a loan or pawn his stuff to cover her?

Bigcat25 · 05/09/2024 17:04

This is just me but I wouldn't be spending my last dime on travel, and I wouldn't take the trip unless I had money for it and an emergency fund.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/09/2024 17:05

justasking111 · 05/09/2024 16:57

I'm puzzled about China. From Leeds Bradford the stopovers are in Dublin and Abu Dhabi. Where are you flying from @4556689vdrfjjh

Eh? The OP hasn’t said where she’s going but let’s assume Singapore, I can see at least 3 flights with Chinese airlines and stopovers in China from Heathrow, which is a far more likely origination airport than Dublin or Leeds Bradford!

deeahgwitch · 05/09/2024 17:05

Oops I mussed that bit Blush @Shooola

TheGlassCastle · 05/09/2024 17:05

This post reminds me of an ex of mine (mainly the living together but keeping your own places) who despite saying he wanted to buy a house together, marriage and children actually didn’t! I don’t think he did it deliberately, more that he thought he did/ should want those things but then his actions said otherwise. More than ten years on he’s still living in the same rented flat (even though he could easily afford to buy) and only ever had short-term relationships. Personally I’d move on and just agree a different cheap break on this occasion but consider carefully if your partner’s actions are aligned with what he’s saying he wants in areas other than the holiday.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/09/2024 17:06

Shooola · 05/09/2024 17:04

Because he said he can't afford it. So what should he do take out a loan or pawn his stuff to cover her?

If a high earning man is running his budget that tight that’s a red flag in itself.

Stravaig · 05/09/2024 17:06

It is not the specifics of the proposed plan that define entitlement or not, it is your expectation that makes you seem entitled. If your boyfriend had freely suggested these arrangements it would be fine. instead, he has offered you something and you've said 'Yes please, but only if you also give me x, y, z.'

Practically, I think this is not a dream trip. You are nervous about the travel, so it would make more sense to be journeying together throughout. He is already there working, which has its own unpredictability, and may not be conducive to what you hope will be a romantic holiday afterwards. It may make sense financially to squash it all together, but in reality, no. It's a less than ideal scenario for a new couple still getting to know each other.

It sounds like you want a partner who will raise you up to their level financially, irrespective of any income gap. However, one of the unforeseen outcomes of greater economic equality between men and women is that men are no longer expected to support women throughout their lives. Some high-earning men now place financial self-reliance and equal earning power high on their list of desirable attributes when looking for a partner. It may be that your boyfriend is pondering this at the moment.

AnonymousBleep · 05/09/2024 17:07

My take from this is that you're not really compatible and neither of you really trusts the other - so based on that, I'd probably call time on this relationship if I was you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2024 17:07

I agree completely that this is a red flag ... for him

You've mentioned his "high earnings" several times, and in his late 30s it's entirely possible he's already experienced others expecting it to be spent on them and doesn't want to repeat it - and especially not just one year in

What you'd do in his position is irrelevant since you're not, and if you settle with each other and perhaps think of children that's a separate conversation to have, but for now - as so many have said - pay for yourself or don't go

samanthablues · 05/09/2024 17:09

deeahgwitch · 05/09/2024 17:02

Gosh I'm going against the majority view here and would have thought if you are in a relationship for a year that this means a lot and "I love you " has probably been said to each other.
If you love someone and are in the happy financial position to be able to afford to bring your loved one away on holiday sure why wouldn't you ?

Because for some people having an extra 1000 quid sitting in the bank is more important than a fun cherished moment with your loved one.

Different people, different values. Sadly I fear the OP is the type who would be paying for his flight ticket if she earned 5 times more, him… not so. Different values, this would be the red flag for me.

WoolySnail · 05/09/2024 17:10

I know someone whose husband is a high earner. She was always in a low paid but vocation type job, paid for everything to prove she wasn't a gold digger, even the wedding because once they were married etc he could trust her. She's now stuck with 3 kids he's a disney dad to, made her going back to work so hard she had to quit and now has a degenerative disease... they live in a 3 storey house and he won't pay for 2 stair lifts only 1. So no, I don't imagine his stance on money will change.

sunnygardens · 05/09/2024 17:11

I'm with you I guess because I'm very generous and would help out friends, family, OH in a u way I could including financially I would think they were mean if if it didnt work both ways. You sound incompatible long term.

NoWayRose · 05/09/2024 17:11

To show you are ‘serious, committed couple, on the pathway to sharing a life together’ he has to fund an all-expenses-paid long-haul holiday? I think he’s generous just to pay hotel and expenses already. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it

Catandsquirrel · 05/09/2024 17:13

Ok, on further thought I think, as I touched on
, you're conflating generosity over a rather impromptu trip with overall generosity. You're not married, engaged, there are no kids. It's not even a planned holiday with both of your budgets in mind, he's just asked if you can/ want to tag along to a work trip. It would have been very nice if he had made it happen the easy way and is a bit churlish for him to say 'i wouldn't fly that route' but I don't think it's the same as missing you out of a planned holiday with kids.

northernlight20 · 05/09/2024 17:14

op, seeing your update regarding your ages and plans to have kids, id advise you to dump this man and move on. you arent compartible and if you have kids, you'll live in poverty while he refuses to share his finances with you.

Josette77 · 05/09/2024 17:14

He is doing renovations and OP decided he can hold off on those and pay her way.

That's freaking entitled.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2024 17:15

OP's partner is paying for building works on his house which I imagine cost thousands

No doubt it does, but OP's answer seems to be that he should delay this so that the money can be spent on her instead

It's not hard to imagine the outcry on here if a male partner of just a year dared to expect the same, so I stand by my post that it's a red flag - but for him

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