Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

I don't think you're entitled at all. When I was younger and going out with my now DH, I paid for an entire trip to Vegas for us both because he was struggling with money and I was earning well and wanted to go with him. We had not been together as long as you have with your partner. The trip wasn't your suggestion, if he knows what you earn compared to him it's wasn't reasonable to ask you on the trip.

Definitely entitled. You have only been together a year and you are already expecting him to foot the bill for you.

I don’t understand why you didn’t just say you couldn’t afford it? The ball would be in his court then.He could either offer to pay or not. No drama.

The supposed prospective kids are a red herring. If OP + boyfriend were serious, and ready for parenthood, they'd be organising their finances, creating one shared home, and not frittering scarce money on jollies around the world. Their ages should be irrelevant; their relationship is nowhere near ready.

I agree 💯% with this. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. If he is being stingy now he will be stingy when you’re pregnant, on mat leave and forevermore.

There’s another thread atm about a woman with a useless husband who she describes as a chocolate fireguard. Lots of comments about how the woman was not to know prior to marriage that her husband would be a useless father and partner and how women only end up with decent husbands as a matter of luck. I couldn’t possible disagree with this more - there are nearly always red flags that are present while dating and useless men are easy to avoid. This here is your red flag that you will be the victim of financial abuse later on in life if you marry and procreate with this man.

His employer is paying for his first class business flights and accommodation - and he outearns you 4-5 times yet he's not willing to make it possible for you to have a nice flight on the same one as him.

You know this yourself, OP, it's why you started the thread. He's not partner material and you'd be foolish indeed to make a life with him. Keep him as a boyfriend if you want but don't take this relationship any further. That's my advice.

@hereThe trip wasn't your suggestion, if he knows what you earn compared to him it's wasn't reasonable to ask you on the trip.

Exactly. This trip was HIS suggestion, he asked her to come with him. It’s not like she’s been telling him for a year she wants to visit China badly. Why on earth would she borrow money or pay with her credit something HE should be paying for, something she cannot afford and she’s not that excited about?

OP, clearly you can’t afford this trip and that’s OK. Tell him to go by himself and enjoy. Plan a fun weekend with friends, a picnic or something, life can be a lot of fun on a low budget. When he comes back I would sit with him and have a serious chat about money, shared finances, kids and values. I fear you guys have different values and it might not work long term. If your biological clock is ticking loud I would have this conversation asap and depending on the outcome leave or not.

100%.

The writing's on the wall with this one.

This

I wouldn't be asking for my partner of a year to subsidise my flights. You're getting a free hotel, so I would suck up the shitty flights or allow your family to help you pay for the direct flights in economy which would be the option I would pick.

I can't keep up with the replies.. but a few points

Re building work - it's actually paving in garden that is next on the list, hence me saying it's cosmetic. There has been real building work prior though and now there are other things he wants to do such as changing sofas, bits in garden, changing dining tables. As a previous poster indicated, I don't believe he can't afford a few hundred pounds on top of what he is spending. But I appreciate it's up to him what he spends his money on. I can have feelings about that though - if he's choosing to not spend £300 to have me on the same flight as him for example that indicates his priorities.

It's the house he lives in and I have recently "moved into" - albeit keeping my own property for now. I have no interest in it, nor do I want/expect it so I'm not really benefiting from this if that's the way that question was going when it was asked if it was the place we lived in? In fact it helped him with me being around and able to wfh when builders etc were there, him not wanting to leave it unattended during the works so us staying at his rather than mine etc (even though we both work closer to my place and I therefore have to now commute).. It's been all he's talked about for months on end and been quite rubbish (as I'm sure anyone living through a renovation can attest) so I guess perhaps it's a sore point that that is being used as the reason/excuse here..

you are being unreasonable. He’s not a husband or fiancée. Just 1 year. You could have said ‘im sorry I can’t afford the direct flight and scared to go via xxxx’ and have left it there. Nothing wrong about him
not paying for your flight too. If you were married or long term or with kids together it’s different story, but after 1 year only then it’s far too soon to expect a boyfriend to subside as much as you’d like to.

In fairness OP he may be thinking the same, your attitude here IS entitled, it is very entitled to ask him to pay for your travel on what will otherwise be a free holiday for you. This isn't a necessity, it's not food or nappies, or anything that you 'need' it's something that you 'want' but there are alternative options.

If you can afford this in 6 months time, and would have done it then without question, then you can borrow the money to do it now surely and pay it off in 6 months time? He may now be worried that you're always going to rely on him for money even when you have other options available to you, and if you don't get your own way you kick off with him and make him feel guilty about it and cause arguments, red flags are flying here and they aren't his.

His option of saving the week and going somewhere more budget friendly is a very sensible compromise, and if I was him I'd be annoyed with you pushing for something that you can't afford and expecting me to pick up the tab.

I bet a direct flight is more that £300. If it’s only that, can’t you put it on a credit card? He said he would pay for the hotel. YABU

than

Are you living rent and utilitiy free in his house aswell? It sounds like it from your previous posts

"We both have our own places but recently began living together in one place but each paying the outgoings on our places only for now."

What's your own place doing? Can you rent it out for extra income?

So his suggestion is that your stay in the room that he was paying for anyway, and he gets to spend time with the person he loves, have sex etc...

Then afterwards, he'll know that he'll be sipping champagne flying back first class, after parting with her, whilst she travels back slowly, via who knows where, not even in the same fight.

He's not being 'generous' with the room - it's the same cost for just him.

I think his compromise is perfect .

He doesn't extend in Asia and you both have a break together nearer to home with a budget you BOTH can afford.

The reason marriage is different is because it's an important legal contract where 2 people LEGALLY combine their assets.

The reason children is a different ball game is because the economically disadvantaged partner is the one sacrificing earning potential to care for both parties joint children - and therefore paying for the 'poorer party' in this case is appropriate and also a form of compensation for unpaid work.

In your case as you are neither married nor caring for his/joint children then there is no reason why he should pay for you. As for 'could' .. well perhaps he could and perhaps he couldn't neither you or I have a clue about his financial outgoings and future commitments.

After a couple of years living together.. if you are doing your utmost to maximise your income - then perhaps - if I was feeling generous and not feeling like it was expected.

Btw - if you have a property you don't live in - couldn't you rent that out for extra income ?

Good relationships are founded on reciprocity and you sound like you've been generous within your means. Presumably, given the disparity in your respective financial circumstances, paying for a weekend break as a percentage of your disposable income was a more significant outlay than it would have been coming from him.

Your friends also know you're a good sharer and don't mind subbing them if they're short, so I agree with the PP who said they know you and your situation best; if they think you're being undervalued they're best placed to say. I also know people who have done exactly the Clubcard manoeuvre you didn't do! I understand when people are on a strict budget but the ones I know who pull this sort of thing always earn well and have good cars etc and plenty of money to spend on luxuries.

IME some people get a bit funny when others can't match them. They don't mind being generous to people who don't even really need the help but as soon as someone says 'sorry I can't afford that' they get grippy about sums they'd otherwise spend without thinking. Maybe they don't want to set a precedent or be taken for a ride but it can get awkward, sadly, I've seen it in my own family and friends. Maybe it's about their money being something to preserve their own status, I don't know. So paying for someone who doesn't need it is just being generous and living a grand life, whereas paying the way of someone who cannot realistically hope to reciprocate financially is being a mug.

As he works internationally, is knocking on forty, contemplating parenthood with you, earns many times more than you and has a programme of renovations on the go - he can't be short of a few hundred pounds, and travelling together is surely part of the experience - I wouldn't leave a mate changing flights in China while I fucked off home for the sake of £300. At one time I couldn't have paid it but now I could, so I would,

Sounds like his position is either an indication of some neurosis around spending, a matter of principle, or your BF is maybe thinking this partnership ain't going to last. The first two are arguably worse if you're planning to have children together, cos I believe whatever you ignore at the start is what will cause you problems later. Hope you two can resolve it.

But I appreciate it's up to him what he spends his money on. I can have feelings about that though - if he's choosing to not spend £300 to have me on the same flight as him for example that indicates his priorities.

Exactly - listen to yourself op. Your gut is speaking to you for a reason. As the old MN adage goes: He’s showing you who he is - believe him.

Then afterwards, he'll know that he'll be sipping champagne flying back first class, after parting with her, whilst she travels back slowly, via who knows where, not even in the same fight.

I know right? It’s bonkers. It’s awful. It’s like something that wretched Rufus Sewell character would’ve done to Kate Winslets character in “the Holiday” whilst her friends look on gobsmacked that she would accept such treatment!

I can’t believe the posters who are saying she’s an entitled brat for feeling upset.
Actually, I can - it’s MN where people tie themselves in knots to be obtuse or to prove that they’re a cool girl who’d never let a man pay for them. (Plus a fair few incels with their own sad agenda il bet)

Op - don’t be an Iris!

I don't like mean people @4556689vdrfjjh . I would not have kids with this guy. As you've said yourself he hears one thing and then twists it to create an argument. You can do better :)

I wouldn’t expect a partner of just over a year to fund a holiday for me irrespective of the differences in our finances.
It is different when you are married as legally your finances are shared.
It is also different if you have DC as someone (usually the woman) is likely to have had to take a drop in salary (at least for a while). If you mutually decided to have the DC then the partner should assist with that shortfall.

This. Read it over and over again.

I couldn't see a future with him. He should want you to come with him and help make it possible for you to do so.

It sounds like you've turned what started as a nice idea into hassle and expense for him. Have your ages and a certain urgency about children led you to think you need to be at a stage of commitment that you're not at naturally? I doubt my DH would have been any different after our first year, but many years later he wouldn't want to have a big travel experience without me. I'd go with the cheaper holiday and not push things.