Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

Sorry but that is not true at all. Even if you’re BA Platinum for eg that would not happen. Rather to reach that status you’d inevitably have shit tonnes of air miles. And you’d use those - if you could - to reduce the cost for your partner to fly on the same flight as you.

I think MN is being a bit contrary here. It shows a lack of generosity of spirit not to offer to make this work. I’m in a better position financially than my partner and in this scenario I’d want to fly in the same cabin as him not with him turning right or on some dire multi stop trip.

It’s not as tho the OP is some feckless sugar baby. She’s studying and improving her career.

I would definitely pause to consider what married life would be like and on mat leave with someone with that approach. We see time and again on here women who are in massively financially disadvantaged relationships and wonder how they found themselves there. Proceed with caution @4556689vdrfjjh

He is paying for an extra weeks hotel, to extend the trip. How are people not understanding this?

Bet you're a right laugh in relationships!

Exactly, partners should pay for their own stuff. No reason for a family to share finances, to make a partner’s life easier when she’s taking care of your child or paying for your girlfriend to share the fun times. “We” in MN advocate for everyone paying their share (even when partners earn 5 times more).

(by the way stingy partners are reason for plenty of divorces)

I'm on the fence here. I think it's a really great opportunity and you have help from your partner for accommodation and your family family for the flight.

I noticed that you said you have had some problems and then also you are talking marriage and babies etc...... Have you had any really big conversations about what money looks like in the long term and how it would work between you?

He might feel that he has made you a really generous offer and that your flight is pretty minimal. I would also say it also depends where you are going in Asia, Thailand for example is much cheaper than somewhere like Japan. If its a country like Japan then yes accomodation is really expensive and asking for help on your flight it's probably a bit to much. I guess it's all relevant to where you are actually going and what he means by accomodation.

OK, I initially assumed you must be in your 20’s OP, and thought it was quite grabby.

But, seeing your update you are late 30’s/40’s, and are talking about kids next year?!

I don’t understand how this man is happy for you to become the mother of his child in the next year, but won’t pay a few hundred for some flights in order to have a lovely experience/memories together before a life changing event such as kids in the very near future.

I understand your perspective, he knows your salary vs his, he supposedly wants children, and wants to spend his life with you, surely he should know by now that he will be be paying more as a % for bills by default in this relationship, never mind holidays. If he isn’t committed now, are you even sure kids will make him change?

I am worried you will end up on here in a couple of years, moaning that your high earning DP (not DH!), is making you pay 50% of bills and penniless looking after his kids, no financial security, while he has ££££ left over in the bank, and a lovely house paid off in his name only.

Now would be the perfect time to talk about the longterm plan, especially finances. If he gets weird or defensive then thats a major red flag.

If he isn’t willing to help make your life easier, whilst he has the obvious means to do so, he doesn’t sound like a very nice partner to have.

Another vote for entitled.

Entitled is maybe a bit harsh but in reality, you’ve been invited on a trip you can’t afford. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s your boyfriend or best friend. Him inviting you was great but if you can’t make it work financially, that not his responsibility.

It’s not a red flag for the future unless you’re otherwise sharing finances or a home.

He's paying for that anyway, regardless if the op goes or not.

I would pay for (or pay towards) my partner coming to visit me on an extended holiday but if they expected me to I definitely wouldn’t, that’s the definition of entitlement.

I don’t buy into this narrative here that op is being entitled.. I think those that say she is have a very low bar. What happened to chivalry.. Should we pay our way until we have children and then it’s ok to have someone else pay when you provide childcare and carry the mental load?? I think there’s an awful lot of posters on mn who are very quick to scream ‘entitled’ and that the op ‘should pay her way’ and as a pp has said in a few years time maybe the op will be back saying she has two kids and he won’t financially support her or them.

I recognise that I’m in the minority so far on this thread, but if I was him and I was so in love, looking forward to our first holiday together and could easily afford it, i’d pay for you to be in buisness class with me, never mind just a direct flight! But, we’re all different and I suppose you can’t expect it. I do think he’s a bit tight not to pay for even economy seats for someone he’s supposed to like/love enough to be in a relationship with!

I think you’re being entitled. I would stick the flights on a credit card if I was desperate to go.

Same. I have paid for upgrades too when holidaying with friends and a partner who earnt less than me, because I know they are my good people and they do lovely things for me in their own ways too. Again, it is not about the money. I dont even care that much about the money, it is the experiences, and I have had people pay for me back in the day when I was on the way up in life. It all goes around and comes around. And one of the most off putting things in this world are people who are tight and penny pinchers, or just weird when it comes to money like they have to count every single thing. If I was the OP I would get out of this relationship and find someone who would be excited and generous!

Here's another concern.

You are training for a new job with higher earning to start at the beginning of next year, but you also hope to be pregnant next year.

I would be holding off at least a year to get yourself in a financially better position..

Also how is your credit?

You haven't mentioned putting it on a credit card. Would you be able to do that?

Entitled.
I would never ask a man to pay for me, esp at only a year's involvement. I mean, if a female friend made the same offer would you expect her to pay? Why would you expect someone you are sexually involved with to subsidize you?

Also in his shoes I'd find it concerning that you already are assuming marriage, assuming children and assuming you would be supported by him on maternity. It comes across as eyeballing his salary and what's in it for you.

If someone questioned my use of my annual leave, my "cosmetic" upgrades to my home and my generosity, it would be game over for me.

It's a newish relationship and you're not living together
It's his business trip, which he's kindly said he'll pay for the extended hotel stay
He's not unreasonable to expect you to pay for travel to join him.
You do have to option of changing flights in China, but won't!
In a nutshell, if you can't afford it, you can't do it.

I think you are a bit entitled.

Maybe you should have just said I'm sorry I can't afford it right now. Maybe next time.

This would have then given him the option to help you out or not. The fact that he offered to cancel and choose something within your budget shows he cares.

Regardless of what you think about the building work it's his money to do as he pleases and chances are some money has already been spent and plans made with contractors etc. putting it off now could mean losing money or costs rising etc. either way it's not your money to decide what he does with it.

As for the future you need to have a serious chat with him. It's not just marriage and kids but day to day living. If/when you officially move in together how will finances work?

Exactly this. If you had said from the get go nice idea but I can’t afford it and left it at that I would have hoped as a high earner he would offer to cover you but suggesting using his points etc is entitled
I’m afraid I agree with others though he is either a bit mean or he isn’t that into you

The spa analogy isn’t quite right. The spa situation would be more like this….

•You have a spa day being paid for by work.
•You invite a friend to come and suggest that you’ll upgrade the day to include dinner for you both.
•Your friend says that sounds great, but she can’t afford the train to get to the spa. Again, your train ticket is being paid for by work. Your friend suggests you pay for her train too. Or put some money towards it. And starts complaining that you earn more than her and you’re meant to be friends.

It sounds to me like this holiday is sort of ruined now, but also the OP is in a difficult position with this man in terms of possibly sounding grasping if she expresses upset to him.

OP, if you think the holiday is still on the cards then why not borrow the money from him so you can go? Figure out how much it costs, and then ask him can you borrow that amount. This would make it clear you want to take financial responsibility for yourself and don't expect anything of monetary value from him right now.

Then if you actually get around to talking about marriage, then that's the stage to see if he's willing to pool resources.

Everyone saying the OP should have some self respect by expecting the bf to pony up the money - it would show far more self respect to be self-reliant.

He’s not ‘kindly’ paying for the extended hotel stay, he was doing that regardless of whether OP goes or not, it wouldn’t be costing him anything extra.

Are you planning to marry before having children?

It doesn't sound like he is that into you. I'd be very leery of the impact on my career/earning power of having children, in your shoes, let alone having children without the protection of marriage. Especially with someone so lukewarm.

One year is too little timet to get to know someone before choosing them as a co-parent, anyway. You don't want to be back here in two years with one of those "he totally changed after we had kids" tales of woe.

I would give one more try of saying can we sit down together with this and work out if it's feasible or not.

But if he's twisting everything you say and only hears his own narrative rather then the truth or discussing it properly rather then like a child going we wont do it then (because your not doing it his way) then that is a red flag for me.

You haven't directly told him how much money you need him to contribute so how can you expect him to agree?

Basic common financial sense. Don't agree or commit until you know what the costs are.

You're now blowing it up when really your proposal was pretty fair. You pay what you can afford which you need to tell him what that is as he can't read you mind.

As it stood the impression it gave was that you were hoping he'd pay for it all. Which then makes him look like the bad guy. Just be more direct / blunt when it comes to money.

At the same time it sounds a little like you are making it a bit transactional. I don't think that fully works in relationships. Both partners always have equal value and equal right to respect regardless of what they earn.

I guess though my question is do you 100% want to go on the trip? Or would you prefer something you both chose?

I think it's a red flag for him. I'd never expect a partner of a year to pay for me to fly out.

When I first met DH our finances were wildly different and he would offer to pay for me (I'm not talking long haul flights however!) But I always refused because the dynamics of having a man pay for me to join him were just odd. I don't wish to be beholden, dependent etc

Sounds like you'd be expecting this in the future. A partner wanting that from me would make me run