Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

She’s already mentioned it to the guy, he thought she was being spiteful and he told her if they were a family finances would be pooled

I think you’re being a bit entitled but can see things from his side a bit too. Eg letting him pay more so you can travel together and not change.

I do think as he can afford it he should offer to pay so I think he’s not that into you.

Age gaps, if you’re the late 30s and definitely want kids either get looking for a suitable man or consider a sperm donor. I found at your age when I was in a relationship it was a bit awkward as we were together 2 years total too. They know what they want re kids and know what women want too, but some men think they’re such a great catch at this age blah blah. One of my SIL’s close friends who is a lawyer but worked abroad for the firm had a lovely boyfriend. Looking at their photos I’d swear they’d get married. Nope, he’d broken up with her or they both agreed. At least 6-12 months later he’d found a new girlfriend who turned into a fiancée and she looked biddable (god that sounds awful). This friend has been on and off single too since.

Simple answer - save up and go on his next annual trip.

Agreed no one should be a scab expecting others pay thier bills or demanding others to pay for things they can not afford themselves.

I find it very hard to believe he’s going to be willing to fully share his finances in the near future if he won’t even stump up a small % of his money to make the OPs life a bit easier.

I don’t think you’re entitled at all.

Within the first year of us dating my dh booked and paid for a week in New York and several shorter European trips. Paid for flights/hotels and most other things. I just paid for a couple of meals as a thank you as he knew I was short on funds and he earned much more than me.
He was in love (as was I) and wanted to be with me and share experiences.

He’s still a generous man 20 years later and I’m so glad I met him.

Some people don’t seem to have very high standards these days or think everything should be split fine the middle. Ridiculous if one of you earns much more than the other.

My advice is take this stinginess (or frugality, whatever you want to call it) seriously on board, as it’s a good indication of what to expect in the future. And it’ll probably be much worse when/if you have a child and have to go on maternity leave. Think very hard about whether you see a future with someone who, despite earning 4 x more than you (and despite being supposedly in the first flush of love) doesn’t think you’re worth spending a few hundred quid on so you can fly out on a holiday with him.

It would totally put me off and sound a death knell on the relationship.

Honestly if a man asked me to contribute a large sum over my half to the trip I'd dump him. You are not a family, you have only been dating for a year if you can't find the cash don't go.

You are being entitled. Maybe you should get a higher earning job so you can pay for him 😉

But you don’t know that do you, it’s very hard to believe or not believe what someone who you don’t know is willing to do when situations in their life change.

He sounds a bit mean to me.
no sharing, it’s his lifestyle and yours
I had a friend like this, mean with money. She had the same attitude to her partners and holidays
she is currently single and in a battle with her family over money for caring for her dying mum when she is already receiving equal from the estate and owns multiple properties herself and no need of the money.

bad attitude to that = mean IMO!

Absolutely this but also people are so frigging mean - so what they have only been going out a year, that is long enough. It is not like she is point blank demanding he buys her stuff she is just asking that he considers chipping in a bit more for a holiday of a lifetime. I would be so upset that my partner would rather ditch a fun adventure than chip in a bit for me, not exactly promising for the future. But I guess I am someone that is generous in my relationships and I priorities good times and happiness over penny pinching and would expect the same back from my partner, guess there are a lot of low bars and tightarses on here who have little score sheets of their expenses and who owes who written down!

Some say you're entitled, I say he's just not that into you. I'd be looking at this relationship a lot more closely if I were you.

This is exactly where I wanted the last conversation to go but he started it with (after returning home from work) "I'm going to cancel the extension on the Asia trip and just come back after the business ends because it's causing issues" hence it all getting rather derailed and turning into an argument.

He has a habit of hearing one thing in a conversation and twisting that into something to be outraged about (similar to some posters..!) aka.. "I don't think it's fair to expect me to pay for your flight and I can't afford to pay it" and ignoring the fact that was NEVER suggested and it was more of this idea of "Maybe we can look up the flights and see how much your airmiles could reduce it by and if you'd be ok with me using them?" and/or "maybe you could pay £300 towards it" Realistically I was thinking of £300ish plus air miles would help make it that bit more affordable.. I think airmiles (his plus mine) would get £400ish off on top.

One of my friends (in discussing this) reminded me of how when we went to a spa I had Tesco clubcard vouchers and so I used all of these (back when they were worth 3x) to go toward the fancy spa day, reducing it from about £300 to £160 and then we split what was left. I didn't say "ok so you should pay the last £160 as all of mine is covered" because I wanted her to come with me and enjoy it too etc. I know it's not exactly the same thing but it's that sort of mentality. I have a friend who was on maternity leave with 3 kids and when we go out for drinks I'll buy the extra bottle of wine as she can't afford it etc..

Past behaviour is a very good indicator of future behaviour. How many women have been tricked by false promises or “but I thought he’d change”. Not a chance I’d suggest taking.

Oh here are the incels...

You should be funding your own flights, and if you cannot afford it this year then do not go and save up for next year. I would be looking at if he is kind and giving generally in the relationship, not whether he was bankrolling a holiday.

My boyfriend (1 year) is very well paid (top 1%) and I earn about 35k. We took a trip recently and he paid for the hotel, taxis and some nice evenings out and I paid for my own flights and some cocktails on one of the nights.

so it's not ok for him to behave like this if, say, we were married with a child ("sorry, Mummy can't afford to come on this trip so we'll leave her behind") but it is ok now as it's a "new" relationship (by some people's standards).

You are boyfriend / girlfriend - not married, no family link.

Of course its ok for him not to pay for you at this stage in your relationship

YABU

A former partner was going on a planned holiday to Ibiza with mutual friends. I couldn't afford to go without using my savings. She offered to pay for my holiday and I declined. It didn't feel right accepting charity when I had the money in savings that I didn't want to fritter on a holiday.

I think your attitude is entitled - especially with regards to you expecting him to cancel building work to fund your holiday.

Where is your consideration of what's best for him?

Yeah sorry OP but this.

Me and DP earn similar salaries and have the same views on money thankfully. However, if in the early days he wanted me to join on him on a holiday and I couldn't afford it, he would have paid for me no question at all. And vice versa.

If this is what it's like a year into your relationship then I would say you need to move on and find someone else that you are more compatible with.

It’s been a year, they are not a family and don’t share finances when things are different and if they do become a family obviously OP and him need to have this talk first before doing anything.

if you are arguing about what should be fun and exciting holiday planning only one year in a relationship, i'd be concerned.

i personally would say to him: you go on your business trip, and let's both of us go somewhere nicer and closer (and cheaper) when you're back.

Incels? Or strong indepent women who pay thier own way and don't need to depend on a man to fund them

Yes you are entitled