Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

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The OP says she's paid for trips before, but she's also said those are city breaks for birthday/Christmas, so for set occasions. It's not her birthday. It's not Christmas. It's not an occasion where reciprocal gift giving is expected.

Whether they’re ’set’ occasions is irrelevant, whether they’re set or not they still cost money.

I wonder how he has reciprocated.

@4556689vdrfjjh I don’t think it’s a red flag as such. I’d want to pay my way. But as he earns so much more, I think he could offer to help more. The hotel won’t be much different for one vs two. So I am in two minds. He needs to be careful with travel insurance though - you can’t just start ‘non work travel insurance’ from the end of business travel - he has to have cover starting from the day he leaves the UK (assuming you’re in UK). Almost got caught out by this myself once.

I can’t fathom how you get from this to having kids with him.

You have two varying financial life expectations to consider having children.

Neither of you will change your core financial attitudes in the long term even if your earnings eventually align.

I would file this under "it was a nice idea, but finances didn't allow it".

If I'd been in a similar situation with now DH when we first got together I'd have said "that sounds amazing - I'll have to cost it up though and see if I can afford it."

If I couldn't afford it, I would have been delighted if he'd offered to cover it, but no way would I have expected him too.

He too would probably then have said "that's a shame, I can't cover you coming either, so I'll just come home straight from the work trip and we can do something else instead with our annual leave."

I think offering to cancel his additional trip to come back and do something else with you is actually a green flag!

I do wonder if the genders were reversed and a bloke posted he wanted his girlfriend of a year to pay for him to go on hols you’d think the same, or be shouting cocklodger in the making.

I've been in this dynamic. I've been the generous one on less money, who was trying to increase my income and keep up with the lifestyle of a higher earner who didn't trust me fully and questioned my spending on things I needed instead of saving for things for the two of us together. It didn't end well.

The only thing is, why didn't you just take up your family's offer to treat you to a once in a lifetime trip? It sounds like they know this hasn't been something feasible for you before. Although he does sound tight, I don't think you should be saying to him that he should delay his plans to pay for you, when you had the family money there to pay for the flight. I think you're worried about the future (which it does sound like you have evidence to be worried about), and using the situation to test his reaction, rather than just taking the money from your family.

In my situation, the guy dumped me and found someone else within two weeks who he was happy to pay for to keep up with his desired lifestyle.

You both are not on the same page, let alone reading from the same book in relation to finances.

He is entitled to feel how he feels. I don't like everyone dogging the man.

You are also entitled to feel how you feel.

Doesn't mean either is wrong or deserves to be mean to each other.

I will say, I don't understand how a woman in their 30s/40s with their own house doesn't have the price of a flight. My gut feeling is there is more going on here - the OPs partner can see what she's doing with her money. She doesn't have any but is going on weekends away and spa trips? Something doesn't sit right in the telling of this story, sorry OP!

It’s not as simple as that though is it?

OP has paid for multiple weekends away for them when she’s been in a better financial position, including flights and accommodation.

That would make any reasonable person pause and ask questions about reciprocity.

And she’s not asking him to pay it all, she wanted a contribution to the difference between two economy flights.

I believe she had paid for a couple of trips and he had paid for one. As she won't give any numbers, it's difficult to comment on whether the value was broadly equal. Weekend city breaks can be dirt cheap. Also, as they've only been together for about a year and birthdays can fall at different points, it's entirely possible he's reciprocated since finding out she likes weekend breaks so he has done so equally.

The OP cannot blame him for her spending more on a present when she chose to do so. If you buy someone a gift, the expectation is that it's given freely and the donor can afford it. If you can't afford a grand gesture, don't make one!

He offered to downgrade the trip and go somewhere cheaper with the OP another time instead. This suggests he's perfectly happy to do whatever is within the OP's budget and it's on her to let him know when she can't keep up.

The fact that the bloke is just going away for work is relevant. I'm not going to randomly buy someone a holiday because today is Monday. Generally, when it comes to expensive gestures, there has to be a bit more of a reason to it. Higher earners do need to budget too!

@Wineandcupcakes I agree. I've been adding my thoughts as a female higher earner and I can't believe how many many people think he should just pay because he earns more. You know who shares all that they have with their partner? Married people. Married people who both chose that level of commitment.

You can't just unilaterally decide your partner should pay for things for you. That's a conversation and an agreement at the right time in a relationship when both parties feel committed to it.

Speaking of which... given they are on such different pages and the OP is expecting cash pooling when/if she gets pregnant, I don't think she should even consider trying for a baby without getting a ring on her finger. If he baulks at the idea, she'll know they definitely are not on the same page and she's wasting her remaining fertility on this mismatched relationship.

Having a marriage conversation might well give her the clarity she needs to move forward.

He offered to downgrade the trip and go somewhere cheaper with the OP another time instead. This suggests he's perfectly happy to do whatever is within the OP's budget and it's on her to let him know when she can't keep up.

The way I read that comment was that it was somehow a put down. A ‘well if you can’t be bothered, we’ll do it your way’.
Its also not ok to propose a hols out of your partner budget and then make out they are ungrateful if they say it’s too much.p/can’t afford it.

And yes the answer if you really want to go 50/50 is to stick to cheaper hols.
(But he clearly wasn’t happy about it, probably because it’s a hols that will be cheap for him as work is paying for the flights)

I can't believe how many many people think he should just pay because he earns more

generally I suspect they think that when it’s the bloke who earns more. When it’s the woman and a man with his hand out then it’s he is a cocklodger get rid.

I believe she had paid for a couple of trips and he had paid for one.

She doesn’t say that in any of her posts. She says:

‘I've paid for us to go away for example on city breaks for full weekends flights and hotels for birthday/Xmas etc…’

You seem to have invented this scenario in your head that anything OP paid for was ‘dirt cheap’ and of no value.

You d9 realise they don’t share finances. How was he to know she couldn’t get the cash together.

I've been adding my thoughts as a female higher earner and I can't believe how many many people think he should just pay because he earns more.

I don’t think that what people say.
They are saying
If you want an expensive hols that your DP can’t pay, either you go on your own or you pay (part or all of it) because then being present is more important.
If you dint want to pay, you don’t propose an out of range hols and stick to cheaper ones. Let alone make your partner guilt for not being able to afford it.

eh no. Someone has already rebutted, read their comments.

He didn't choose the location. He's going there for work. He thought it would be a nice idea to tag on a holiday, the OP explained she couldn't afford it, so he's now suggested doing something else.

I don't read that as a put down. I read that as a practical solution.

It's not as if he had proposed they took an annual holiday to the Maldives and they paid 50/50. That would clearly be an unrealistic/unkind suggestion. This has only come up because he travels for work.

Well just the difference in wages which he knows well about? And the fact the OP had to take some day leave for studying?

Its not rocket science when you have a huge difference in wage

Again, you do realise this is boyfriend and girlfriend who don’t share finances. It’s not his job to decide what she can and can’t spend her money on/

Because she told him.

Don’t be ridiculous.

oh you’re off to Japan, can I come.
no I’m sorry I didn’t invite you.
i decided you can’t afford it.

twaddle.

Why don’t you actually do your own research?

The OP didn’t say what that ‘someone’ says she did.

"I have taken him away previously twice entirely funded myself (he has done the same for my bday once)."

She hasn't given any numbers, so why are you making the assumption she's paid for loads of expensive trips? She took him away twice. He took her away once.

They've only been together just over a year. It's not as if they've been together 20 years, she's paid for 17 trips and he's paid for 1.

Nothing about the number of trips suggests it's been skewed given the length of the relationship.

Pay as much as you can.
Refuse to enter any more in depth discussions about favours from his finances.
When you get there wear some comfy PJ's in the Hotel Room. Don't shave for a week before you go.
If he gets amourous suggest he use the services of the local women of the night.
SORTED.

What are you on about?