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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

581 replies

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 13:27

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP posts:
Rosiecidar · 08/09/2024 18:54

Ditch the twat. He sounds domineering, arrogant and cruel.

Boltonb · 09/09/2024 01:13

I thought you sounded entitled, but your updates are showing up much bigger issues. Based on what he’s said, I suspect he will string you along for a few years, until children are biologically unlikely. He won’t marry you.

If you want marriage and children, I don’t know that he’s a good prospect.

andfinallyhereweare · 09/09/2024 05:15

Yes you sound entitled and I agree there is a red flag here. He should be seeing your behaviour as a red flag. You can’t afford it why should he pay? A holiday is very different to being on mat leave… you sound entitled.

Bourneo · 09/09/2024 05:26

I completely disagree with everyone here. It's a red flag, a year is long enough for more commitment and I'd be thinking along the same lines as you. If he earned the same as you, I'd say you're being cheeky, but he earns 4 times more than you. The cost of flights etc doesn't have the same impact on your finances. He should want to do that for you. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who was ok with me changing flights in China alone, when they had the funds to make sure I don't have to.

If it was me, I'd be thinking if I even want to have kids with this man. As I think your gut is right. He'll penny pinch.

HoopLaLah · 09/09/2024 06:48

Coming to this thread for the first time, OP. You were never entitled. He was.

He was getting free flights from his employer (for work) and wanted to award himself a bargain (only paying for the hotel not the flights) holiday as a bonus. He wanted his girlfriend to provide him with company during that week. And, as he’s such a Prince Among Men, he wanted his girlfriend to scrimp and save to cover the travel costs of providing him with the travel companion he’s entitled to. He could have gone halves on the cost of the joint holiday he was suggesting. But no: he saw the free flights as “mine, all mine” and the expensive flights as the dues to be gratefully paid for the privilege of his company.

Reading your latest updates - red flags all over it. Don’t have a child with this selfish man.

Tiredofallthis101 · 09/09/2024 06:56

It's good you've been able to have that honest conversation with him. In my opinion you are being somewhat entitled by expecting him to subsidise your flight as you would already be getting free accommodation (yes he'd have to pay for it anyway but if this was a situation with a friend you'd offer half right?) and he said he'd fund the rest of the trip out there. If I was him I'd feel annoyed that you were constantly wanting more instead of just being clear - I'm really sorry, now the flights have gone up to £1500 I can't afford it. If you are really keen for us both to go then if you contributed X to the flight costs I could pay Y - but I absolutely wouldn't expect you to, so why don't we use that week's leave to go to X instead? Appreciate this ship has sailed but that's how I would approach it in future.

Re getting married- I'd be super careful about having kids before getting married. I think it is fine not to want to rush into getting married but if you're sure enough you want to have kids together then you should be sure enough about each other that marriage is on the cards too.

peachesarenom · 09/09/2024 06:59

Hotels in Asia are not that expensive!

I would be worried he's a bit tight too! Indirect flights long haul are exhausting and I can't see why he wouldn't want to be on the same flight home as you! It's not like you're asking for business class flights, although if you were married that would be a fair expectation.

Life pre kids include the opportunity for adventure, I just can't understand why he doesn't want to take that opportunity!

The biggest concern is that he doesn't seem able to discuss things calmly, offers come, offers are recinded. It feels like a lot of bad feeling! I think you should talk to him seriously about how finances would work if you were married, what about when there are children.

People who say it's only been a year, it's a year of your youth, if he's gonna mess you about let him go!!!

CosyLemur · 09/09/2024 07:04

You sound very entitled! If you were male this whole thread would be calling you a cocklodger!
You have no say in what work he has done on HIS HOME, or what he spends HIS MONEY on.
You've already said you don't want the cheap flights you want the business class seats - you know it'll be more than £1000 he'll have to contribute to those.
It's even worse that you've decided to compare a luxury holiday when you've only been together for a year to maternity leave!

Happyher · 09/09/2024 07:09

I think you’ve sent him a red flag.

NoOffButton · 09/09/2024 07:14

He has offered to pay for your hotel and food and you want him to subsidise your flight too?

You sound like a bit of a red flag yourself tbh. If you want to fly direct, pay for it yourself.

susey · 09/09/2024 07:14

If you are pennypinching and borrowing to afford the flights, isn't his additional concern that you will go there with no spending money at all? Will he be buying all the dinners? All the sightseeing?

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 09/09/2024 07:17

Yes you are entitled.

You aren't married, you aren't long term, you don't share finances. He's midway through doing up his house and you want him to not buy things he's budgeted for so you can go on holiday!

He's already compromised, you aren't.

MayaPinion · 09/09/2024 07:20

It would make more sense for him to come back from his work trip and then then for both of you to go on a European holiday (Greece/Spain, etc.) what you can afford. You can always go to the original country when you have enough time and money to do it properly.

Shushquite · 09/09/2024 07:21

There are to many red flags. Be careful op. Never go in debt to try and live a lifestyle you can't afford. Be sensible with your money.

Your partner is watching his money, you need to do the same thing.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/09/2024 07:30

He also admitted that he was "punishing" me in a way-or rather wanting to make that point about "well as you've not saved the money let's not go" so I didn't imagine that mentality was at play.

Massive red flag. Don’t have kids with this guy! I’d go back to the drawing board OP…

winterwarmer8274 · 09/09/2024 07:31

Haven’t RTFT, but I’ve flown on the Chinese airlines and it’s defiantly not as nice as flying emirates / quatar but it’s good for a budget option and no need to be nervous.

You would want to minimise the time you have in China though because lots of the apps we use (WhatsApp / instagram/ facebook / google) are banned there. You can mess around with VPNs, but not sure how tech savvy you are. One time I went and the internet wasn’t working at all.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 09/09/2024 07:48

Wow. Yes you're being entitled.

ilovesushi · 09/09/2024 07:52

As he is such a high earner and it was his invitation in the first place, I think he is being tight in not helping you with the fare.

user1492757084 · 09/09/2024 07:54

Go if you can find away to afford it.

Boyfriend is already being generous.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 09/09/2024 07:57

ilovesushi · 09/09/2024 07:52

As he is such a high earner and it was his invitation in the first place, I think he is being tight in not helping you with the fare.

Why? He's already paying for the hotel. Should he pay everything and the OP nothing because he's such a high earner?

CatrionaBalfour · 09/09/2024 07:57

No, you don't need a holiday together. Nobody needs a holiday, it's a nice bonus in life.
Family have offered to help you pay, what's the problem?
I think maybe there are other problems in this relationship.

ilovesushi · 09/09/2024 08:09

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 09/09/2024 07:57

Why? He's already paying for the hotel. Should he pay everything and the OP nothing because he's such a high earner?

I may have this wrong, but I think he was staying for himself anyway irrespective of the Op, so it's not an additional cost. I think Op was fine to ask and he is fine to say no, but in Op's shoes I'd feel disappointed that I'd misread the relationship. If I said to DH, I'm extending my trip, come out and join me and he said I can't afford the fare, I'd happily pay if I had the means. Maybe Op thought they were further on in their relationship or had a different kind of relationship.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 09/09/2024 08:11

CharlotteLucas3 · 05/09/2024 15:18

NO YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED OP!!! THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG 🚩

That’s a very small amount of money for a high earner. I earn precisely nothing (live on savings) and I would pay that much even for a friend. Partly because I wouldn’t want them to have a stressful journey (of course changing in China is stressful!) and partly because I’d want their company. It’s bizarre that he doesn’t.

Please don’t listen to people on here….Mumsnet posters think that’s everyone is entitled for expecting any help at all. I think this is a sign of things to come and I think you already know that….as you’ve said. I repeat, go with your gut and don’t take the advice of people you don’t know.

I agree. (Love your username, @CharlotteLucas3 Grin)

nosleepforme · 09/09/2024 08:14

Very entitled and unreasonable. He sounds like he is being fair.

Natwestbit · 09/09/2024 08:25

My partner is much better off than me financially. About 4 months into the relationship, when we weren't living together, he took me to Thailand. He asked me not to be offended, but he'd really love me to share the experience with him and knew I couldn't afford it, so he wanted to pay. He recognised that a trip to Thailand on his income was probably equivalent to the weekend in Stratford that I paid for on mine.

All your bloke needs to do is pay about £300, or use some air miles.
My worry here Op is that he's got a bee in his bonnet about you being after his money and that will probably never change. He didn't sit down and have a reasonable conversation with you, based on the fact that he'd enjoy your company on the trip. He just flew off the handle because he didn't listen to you properly and made a load of assumptions. He'll do it again.
Imagine having a couple of kids with him, having significantly less income as him as a result, and having to tread on eggshells around him when you want to spend some money.

If you do stay with him, and plan a family, I'd say not unless you're married. Imagine if it came to a split in the future - how vulnerable you'd be.