Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

I certainly wouldn't say he is intending to marry her and on that basis she would be mad to consider children.

She would be wise to move out too, it sounds like it happened too soon and is more of a convience to him for his renovations than anything else.

If he’s so worried about his bank roll he shouldn’t be eloping and thinking marriage & kids with someone who makes 5 times less than him, he should find a wealthier partner who can pay for expensive Asian trips and not make a fuss because she can’t afford them.

Eloping? Who said anything about eloping? Who said HE is thinking of marriage and kids?

The man made a one-off "hey we should extend my business trip with a holiday" suggestion without thinking it through. When the obstacles were pointed out to him, he said "Fair enough, I'll cancel and we'll do a shorter and more local break, and that will give me some extra days to work on the house." That's normal, ordinary and not "un-generous." It's win-win.

He needs to find someone who won't critique how he chooses to spend his money and his annual leave, that's certain. One who needn't earn as much as he does but who has have discretion, autonomy and independence.

@BettyBardMacDonald Who said anything about eloping? Who said HE is thinking of marriage and kids?

The OP.

@BettyBardMacDonald One who needn't earn as much as he does but who has have discretion, autonomy and independence.

She’s a home owner and has a job, that in my book makes her “financially independent”, she just has a partner who makes 5 times more than her which of course is going to cause an imbalance in the relationship (as this thread shows). He either pays for her expensive Asian trips if he wants to stay with her or finds himself a wealthy woman to share the “high life” that she cannot afford.

Oof this has blown up quite a bit...

So update is that we had a massive row about this (well tbf mainly other things too) almost split up.. a few days of angst and then spoke about it a bit more calmly.

He agreed with what a previous poster has mentioned- he felt triggered by the idea of him having to pay towards it etc and he apologised for saying I'm entitled and he doesn't think I am and said of course he would have helped a bit if we weren't in a bad place when the discussion came up. He's conscious of women in the past being with him for money (which to be clear, I'm not.. I'm improving my own career and can earn my own money and in fact my family have money if really needed). However I'm very conscious of my earning potential being hindered in future by children and what his stance on that would be. There have been other amber flags in relation to this such as him not wanting to get married-- now supposedly he's on board with that if it's essential to me -and if we get to that stage- but time will tell..

He told me he also felt I'd be financially irresponsible as he thought it had been clear this trip was coming up and I could have/should have saved and I should have thought about this when considering a weekend away I had with a friend a while ago (not just me who has an opinion on what the other person spends their money on clearly!!) Which I accept is semi- fair as I had a general idea of this trip maybe happening but the flights were no way near this expensive when it was first mentioned and various other factors at play such as having to take unpaid leave to prepare for exam and other even more outing issues which I shan't mention. I didn't want to not have a spontaneous trip with a friend to save for this and it not happen. Although I appreciate I could have instead maybe tried to convince her to go away later if that happened...but things I didn't think about at the time. Also of course he's a bit out of touch with how far money goes nowadays when you don't have masses spare and realistically I wouldn't have been able to save much more even without that weekend away!

He also admitted that he was "punishing" me in a way-or rather wanting to make that point about "well as you've not saved the money let's not go" so I didn't imagine that mentality was at play.

So we're taking a bit of a break from making decisions for a few days about this (he hasnt currently cancelled the extra time as he said he was going to). I've made it clear if we aren't going to this place then as I've specifically saved a week's holiday for this (which is valuable as I've had to takes lots of annual leave for study etc) that I'd really like to go away properly together for the full week and feel like we've had a real holiday.

For the posters commenting about not needing a holiday etc, I've been studying for a long time, culminating in a long period of intense exams, both living with things such as intensive building work, some medical issues and a close family member passing. We do need a holiday together and hopefully we will make this trip work or another one for a full week together.

After your last update, I think you should leave him. He's trying to parent you, not partner with you.

The part about wanting to pushing you for not being "responsible" with your money is appalling. He is not someone you want to marry and have a child with!

More fool you for staying.

He's not going to stop feeling taken advantage of, even if he is backpedaling now just to get along. HIs initial response is the true one.

Biological clock ticking, rose tinted glasses mode: “on”.

Tbh I think that his attitude was crap.

im surprised that you didn’t see the ‘ill punish you’ element because his melodramatic reaction ‘well we’ll have to do something in line with your budget then’ and guilt tripping you for not saving for a trip that hadn’t been planned as such is crap.

Tbh when there is such a huge difference in income, and you dont want to
Pay for the other party, then yes you only go the lower end budget stuff they can afford.
If you want the fancy hol in Asia, then you pitch in. Because the other person cannot afford up your hols! So if you really want them to be there, you need pay for them.
If he has an issue with been taken advantage, he shouldn’t have expected you to come (and borrow from family). He can’t have it both ways

Btw I agree with OP that his reaction is him.
The whole ‘ph it’s ok, we’ll go somewhere else/we’ll get married etc’ is him pacifying you.

He showed you who he is. Believe him
(and please don’t have children unless married)

@4556689vdrfjjh There have been other amber flags in relation to this such as him not wanting to get married-- now supposedly he's on board with that if it's essential to me -and if we get to that stage- but time will tell..

Mansplaining: “I’ll dangle you with the marriage carrot every time you get frustrated at me just to keep you happy”

Don’t be with someone who thinks in terms of reward and punishment or that it is his job to do it. You are his partner, not a dog. He seems to have a lot of hang ups about money. If a holiday brings out this reaction, I would dread to see how he reacts to the financial strain a child can bring.

OP, you are being played and strung along by someone who feels superior to you, definitely doesn't respect you or see you as an equal.

You are determined to waste further time.

Not a chance he intends to marry you, but again you are a good enough for now girl.

He won't marry you, will string you along....if someone does catch his eye, he'll be gone, married, pregnant in six months.

I have seen it so many times.
And then the woman they strung along is thrown aside, broken, having gambled and lost that he might eventually marry them.

When men really want you, you know it and there is NEVER any confusion.

Confusion/mixed messages = he's just not that into you.

I wish women would wake up to that, rather than having to always learn this shit the hard way.

There have been other amber flags in relation to this such as him not wanting to get married-- now supposedly he's on board with that if it's essential to me -and if we get to that stage- but time will tell..

OP this isn’t an amber flag. From what I understand you’re saying he wants kids but not marriage and that’s largely to do with paranoia surrounding a woman being “after his money”? That’s a whole parade of red flags! Especially when he’s a high earner.

Men who are so hyper focused about getting “screwed over” by women that they will insist going 50/50 when they’re clearly out earning her are not worth it. They end up exploiting and financially abusing women in an effort to not be “used”. He wants you to carry his future children which carries an element of risk your body and life but it’s too much for him to commit to marriage? Although he is now claiming he is on board I doubt it based on his treatment of you.

Do you really think a man with hang ups like this is going to change in the next 1-2 years and marry you while sharing joint finances?

I suspect he’s stringing you along and while he may possibly wants kids with you there will be no marriage.

I think you will regret it if you give him another chance tbh. Think hard about this and what you want for the future!

He’s just told you he doesn’t want to marry you. That’s fine and his decision. But don’t disregard that comment.

Men don’t get on board with it if it’s essential to their partner. They either want to marry the person or they don’t.

As expected, this is way beyond some air miles and £300.

He expected you to save some money to join him, you went on a weekend with friend, he didn’t want to contribute as you made other arrangements, he’s been taken for a ride before, he isn’t committed to marriage etc etc etc.

So just to recap he's admitted to basically everything negative that everyone conjectured about, he wants kids but not marriage. is using money to sway the balance of power in his favour and believes you should have prioritised something that might never have materialised over spending time with friends. You may need a holiday but FGS not with this fella, come on!

It’s good that you’re talking @4556689vdrfjjh & being honest with each other.

Keep talking and a solution will appear. Maybe it would be better to take a week’s holiday somewhere closer to home so flights are cheaper- somewhere lovely & sunny where can relax.

If I were you I would at least suggest that so he can see you are looking for a compromise solution.

"I've made it clear if we aren't going to this place then as I've specifically saved a week's holiday for this."

@4556689vdrfjjh Your story isn't adding up. You're saying you've specifically saved a week's holiday for this trip, so you must have known about it for a long time, but you've failed to save the required money. Part of the reason why you've not saved the money it's because you've spent money on trips away with friends.

I can totally see why your boyfriend is pissed off that you now expect him to pay for your flight.

Let's be honest, you just expected him to pick up the tab.

You've never answered previous questions that are relevant.

* Why can't you just put the flight on a credit card?

* Does he normally pay for all day-to-day spending such as food shops, restaurants, drinks, taxis, etc?

Since when is getting in debt a solution to couple issues where the higher earner is expecting you to live the same lifestyle than them with less money??

I would never get in debt/‘just put things in a CC’ for a hols. Esp when it will a few thousands pounds. Any partner of mine who acts like could get lost.

How have you been saving a weeks' annual leave for this break, but not thought you wouldn't need money to go? Did you just expect him to pay for it?

Wise words, friendlycat, and interesting that the longest paragraph in the latest update was dedicated to why OP failed to save up for the expected trip

As already said, it's not hard to imagine what the main thrust of responses would have been if this had been a man expectimng quite so much ...

@4556689vdrfjjh as before, leave him and find someone good instead!

How long had the trip to Asia been under discussion?

If the discussion pre-dates the weekend away with friends, I see his point. To blow that money and then expect him to pick up the slack on the joint vacation does strike me as entitled. I would expect a partner at whatever earnings level to be able to budget accordingly; anything else would be a red flag.