Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

[4556689vdrfjjh]

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

It’s good that you are considering both points of view @4556689vdrfjjh regarding who is presenting a red flag. Just take into account that your friends will naturally take your side so are not impartial in the same way that random people on Mumsnet are impartial.

I think this situation has damaged your relationship to the extent that you both will be feeling more doubts than you had before that you see things the same way.

He and I probably have different expectations about the future and more importantly where our relationship is right now.

This is the key point, OP. If you look at the situation with this at the starting point then it falls into place. Neither of you are wrong, you just don't see your relationship in the same way.

Interesting this the downfall of this relationship is-
-BF invites to join him at location, she must pay her way as he’s paying room (anyway)
-GF can afford flights, but refuses affordable flight because there is a transfer in China.

-GF feels “we want different things” because she wants to him to pay for her to take a better flight and that “he can afford it”

BF colleagues ask - is you GF coming? He says, no the only flight she can afford has transfer in China…. And she doesn’t want to transfer in China…

@Pinguastic BF colleagues ask - is you GF coming? He says, no the only flight she can afford has transfer in China…. And she doesn’t want to transfer in China…

Why would she transfer in China by herself, go through all the hoops and pay an amount of money that means a lot to her when a) this is her BF business trip b) this trip was never her idea and b) she doesn’t sound extremely excited about it?

I wouldn’t transfer in China and wouldn’t care less what his colleagues think about me. They’re probably pompous twa-ts anyway.

If it doesn't mean a lot to OP, why is she drumming up money from her family and boyfriend to take the journey?

I think his solution is elegant. An affordable break + time work on his home projects, instead of both of them over-extending themselves and jumping through hoops for the Asia holiday. He probably wishes he'd never mentioned it.

The concerning part is that OP and her friends feel entitled to judge and influence how he spends his money. And how much he should be willing to subsidize her at whatever "stage" of relationship. I've known my SO for many years and wouldn't dream of doing so. I can think what I please, privately, but that's it. And vice versa. Independence is so important.

I agree that financial independence is extremely important, but if I were dating someone who makes 5 times more than me I wouldn’t be able to afford his high fly lifestyle, I would not pay for a trip that I’m not extremely excited about. If my wealthy boyfriend wants to take me on his business trip he’s going to have to pay for it and if he doesn’t I’ll go Camping with my friends, big effin deal. What I’m not going to do is get in debt for something I’m not very excited about nor I can afford.

If he complains… I’ll just tell him to get himself a rich GF who can afford trips to Asia.

What's wrong with transferring in China? And by yourself?

Absolutely nothing wrong if I were doing the trip by myself, but let’s face it… it a long flight, it’s expensive, she’s going with her partner but he’s cozily sleeping on first class and she’s enduring a 10 hour flight in economy on a trip she’s not very excited about to begin with. Fuck that noise.

@samanthablues but the OP has already said it's an area she'd like to visit, so I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that she's not excited about the trip and is essentially being dragged on a business trip? In fact, I'd say she really does want to go on this trip with all the options she's looked into.

But fact is, she can't afford it, and she shouldn't expect a BF of 1 year to subsidise her.

And he's now cancelled what would have been a lovely holiday for him, presumably to just avoid the awkwardness of OP asking for money, and maybe so that she doesn't feel bad that she can't go. If I was in her BF shoes, I'd likely be dumping her after this debacle.

I would like to visit China too, sounds great, it’s just not one of those things on my bucket list before I die (that’s the impression I’m getting from the OP), however… if someone invited me I would totally say “yes”, Problem is I can’t afford it, so no China for me I’m afraid. OP can’t afford this, end of. Clearly she cannot afford her partners lifestyle and she should not be guilt tripped for it.

And likewise he shouldn't be guilt tripped for not paying for her flights. Her very first post says 'Partner feels like it's entitled'. Seeing as it's his money, that's up to him to judge how he feels about it

He shouldn’t be guilt tripped into paying it but if he wants to travel with his partner I’m afraid he’s going to need to pay for her, and if he doesn’t want to pay for her (fair enough) and money is so important to him then he needs to find another partner who earns much more than her. What bothers me is a man trying to guilt trip a woman into paying for something she can’t afford when he makes 5 times more as her.

@samanthablues Clearly she cannot afford her partners lifestyle and she should not be guilt tripped for it.

But she is guilt tripping her BF for not paying for it? To the point where he's cancelled his whole holiday.

Maybe it's not that 'money is so important to him' as much as being with someone who doesn't guilt trip him and act entitled is?

He didn't guilt-trip her. He canceled the holiday and suggested something more affordable with less faff.

It's not "guilt-tripping" to expect an adult to pay her own way, or for her to say "sorry, that's not in the budget."

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Presumably all his flights etc are being paid by his company. He's paying for the hotel regardless. You're concerned about transferring in China and that's your perogative. He earns significantly more than you. Sounds as though he is just tight.

The issue here is that was HIS idea, he had a free first class flight ticket and wanted to share the fun and involve his girlfriend in something she can’t afford, in my mind he should have been generous and offer to pay for the trip without guilt tripping her into paying for a lonely economy class she (again) can’t afford. This is NOT the case where the OP is asking him to buy her a channel handbag and guilt tripping him for refusing.

@BettyBardMacDonald It's not "guilt-tripping" to expect an adult to pay her own way, or for her to say "sorry, that's not in the budget."

It is because he knows she can’t afford it, he seems to be OK with her going into debt and using her credit card, asking money to her family and having her spend money she doesn’t have, that’s not cool.

He tossed out a suggestion; he wasn't haranguing her. A suggestion to which most people would have said, in OP's shoes, "Sounds great but that's not in the budget this year, sorry!"

Not "hm, can you subsidize the ticket? can i get some of your air miles? my friends say if you really loved me you would pay for my ticket."

He was put in a very awkward position and exited it gracefully by canceling the holiday and suggesting something convenient and affordable as an alternative. And then OP calls that "punishment." He is punishing her by not fully subsidizing an expensive jaunt? Come on.

He and I probably have different expectations about the future and more importantly where our relationship is right now.

Yeah the issue is nuanced for sure @4556689vdrfjjh Have a long hard think about your future and what you want from a partner. And since this has made you feel a bit uncertain perhaps check that he definitely does see you as part of his long term future and that he isn’t just “future faking”.

Hopefully you can find a way to discuss and resolve your differences sooner rather than later. And if not, make the decision to move on and find someone who may be more compatible.

@4556689vdrfjjh Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

Initially he was going to go anyway with or without her but now that she's not paying for it he's throwing his toys out of the pram and cancelling the trip?

@4556689vdrfjjh Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him).

It doesn't sound like she's aggressively pursuing anything IMO.

@4556689vdrfjjh As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful.

How dare she discusses how her financial future is going to look like once children are in the picture and expresses her fears? That's just "spiteful".

Sorry but IMO this guy is a tight jerk, and no, he's not going to magically become "generous" all of a sudden when they get married. He needs to find a wealthier GF

Sounds like the guy can’t do anything without you deciding he’s a tight jerk @samanthablues

He cancels the idea of the extra week’s holiday in Asia & he’s throwing his toys out of the pram? Had he gone ahead with the holiday on his own no doubt that would have been wrong too, according to you.

Change the genders and it’s a woman in a good job saying her bf of a year expects her to provide him with not only the hotel room but free flights too. I think more people would be saying let him pay for his own flight even if that means getting a cheaper one or borrowing money from his family for a few months.

OP, MN is full of posters that love to give a kicking to anyone OP that queries the actions of a man.

You are 100% right to be listening carefully to your gut.

He's tight, it is very clear in what you have written.
After a year if he was seriously long term into you this wouldn't be the slightest issue.
He would be excited at the idea of sharing the opportunity with you.

No way would I consider children with him.
I bet he would want children without marriage?
Making sure he protects his assets.
You would be the poorer for having children with him without a doubt.
He has shown you who he is.
Listen carefully and don't waste any further time.

Having children is a massive commitment and men on 5 times your salary but are tight with you, make the most miserable of partners.

Time to pack your bags and leave him to his money.
Focus on your exams and increase your earning potential.
Be very wary of men promising the world when you have a child but not behaving like that now.
They are future fakers that trick women to have a child without any commitment themselves.
How many walk away, pay bare minimum CM and women are left utterly screwed trying to juggle childcare costs and a career they worked hard for.

Your friends know more than us and think he is mean too.
You have paid for more trips already and he is on 4-5 times your salary?
Could it be any clearer.
Mean, tight, that is who he is, and he absolutely isn't all in.

I bet you are the good enough for now girl.
Protect yourself carefully.
Don't be used.

Oh and his accusation of you being spiteful is a nasty way of shutting you down when your quite rightly point out MASSIVE inconsistencies in what he does and what he says.

Actions not words are what count.

Anyone can bullshit you with promises of how it will be, but ACTIONS are what count.

His actions are of a mean man.
His words mean nothing.

How many women are promised stuff, get pregnant, without marriage and end up using THEIR savings alone to fund Maternity leave because suddenly the man refuses to.

He won't pay a few hundred for a flight, and calls you entitled.
And you seriously think he is going to be generous with the cost of mat leave and a baby?

Absolutely no way.
He's a mean bullshitter.
Don't fall for it.
You will bitterly regret it if you do.

Indeed @Campergirls1 and the funny thing is if OP came on mumsnet in 18 months on maternity leave complaining of financial abuse by her new husband and shared this story as background, an awful lot of people would tell OP that she “should’ve seen the signs”. And yet she’s effectively been criticised here for joining the dots.

I don’t know if he will do things differently or not if married with kids, but I think it’s reasonable of OP to at least question his promise of sharing finances considering they want kids in the very near future. It was unnecessary to call OP spiteful. And again these are the exact type of things posters often tell a woman who is being financially abused that she should’ve asked before marriage.

Be very wary of men promising the world when you have a child but not behaving like that now.
They are future fakers that trick women to have a child without any commitment themselves.

Couldn’t agree more. A tale as old as time.

Exactly @struggling MN is full of posters who will absolutely give a kicking to OP's who chose to completely ignore pre marriage meanness.

If a man is tight pre marriage he sure as shit is not going to morph into a generous man who wants to pool salaries.

My arse he will.
More likely he will be the type to say you pay the baby stuff and childcare if you want to return to work, often making his wife stay at home and be full-time house skivvy because she cannot juggle and pay for childcare.

Likewise silly women who aren't married, who give up work. He pays for the morgage in his sole name, and utilities, and she pays for the children and food.
Leaving her absolutely fxxked if he wants to throw her out after 20 years, entitled to nothing.

If a lot more women were a lot more suspicious they wouldn't end up ripped off by mean men, to have children they haven't a notion of paying for, despite their large salaries.

Meanness goes to the very core character of a person and only stupid people do not realise that.

If he was a good man that was genuinely loved her, this would never have come up.

He's a mean man who calls her nasty names the minute she questions him.

THAT'S the REAL person he is.