Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

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Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

Don't get caught out with the sunken cost fallacy OP.

You are both operating with a different mindset and value system. It really doesn't bode well long term.

I wouldn't continue further in your shoes.

Perhaps this is a red flag for both of you.

Yep you’re being entitled.

Which destination out of interest?

Be an adult and pay your own way.

He's just not that into you and I'm sure deep down you know it. Move back into your own place and holiday with your friends.

Whatever happened to good ol communication? Just sitting down and having a serious talk about finances and expectations, specially when you’re trying to share your future with a person an build a family? If you cannot do that then you’re not grown up enough to be in a marriage let alone build a family.

If I was in your shoes, I would have mentioned that the invitation to holiday was kind but that I was going to give it a skip as the flights were too expensive. I would have secretly hoped that he would offer to chip in to get me over there. If there was no offer, there is not a chance that I would openly ask for cash or airmiles. It comes across as cheeky.

There is not a chance that I would argue about it afterwards and try to get them to see it from my point of view. Thats peer pressure. You need to drop it. Its just a holiday to Asia which you can go on another time.

Me too, or I might possibly borrow the money. And in this case I'd take my cue from him and try to enjoy the holiday at home. Treating this as symptomatic of the future or the entire relationship is silly, as is your family chipping in. It's only a holiday. When your earnings go up you can try to go, and pay your own way.

Everyone likes to be spoiled a little but more than that they like to be respected and treated as an equal. It's his money, it's his time, it's his house. Not yours. Either of you could walk away in the morning, so I'd keep that in mind.

And if I were you I'd move back to your own house and have some clearer boundaries until such time as you've made a definite and permanent commitment to one another and until then, keep your finances and living arrangements separate. It's not possible to be financially abused if you have your own money, so just look to sorting that out, and if you get married have a definite agreement going into it.

The way that I see things is this.

* The boyfriend has the opportunity for a cheap holiday. He doesn't have to pay for flights to Asia and only needs to cover hotels and food. With all his outgoings for building work, this might be the only way he can afford the holiday.

* The OP is ruining this opportunity because he now needs to buy a flight. The costs have consequently risen to the same level he'd incur it he was booking a standard holiday.

* The OP doesn't (want to?) see this and is laying on the emotional blackmail to get her own way - 'If you loved me you would...'.

The OP hasn't mentioned day-to-day spending. Is she a constant leech on his finances - e.g. he always ends up paying for drinks and restaurants, taxis, etc.? Perhaps this is the straw that broke the camel's back and he's simply had enough of her freeloading?

Even with all of your updates, I still think you're incredibly entitled. This is a relationship of only a year, he's had numerous building jobs to finance, he's already offered to cover the whole hotel bill... and you're asking him to subsidise your flights now? What about spending money when you get over there, do you have that or would you expect him to cover this cost as well.

If I was him, I'd have cancelled the extension as well, and I'd be reconsidering the relationship if a man expected of me what you're expecting of him. He's offered to do something that more in line with your budget so what's the problem?

Leaving the flight aside: if you are 30s and he is 40s (I assume) then I would crack on with ensuring that he does want kids and get a marriage date and kids plan nailed down.

as otherwise with you moving Into his place and him being higher earner and you not then I think he might be future faking you. If you were going to be the mother of his children I think he’d pay for the flights

Everyone likes to be spoiled a little but more than that they like to be respected and treated as an equal. It's his money, it's his time, it's his house. Not yours. Either of you could walk away in the morning, so I'd keep that in mind

Wise words, and while OP's very much to be admired for having the sense to keep her own house for now, this is why I'd say good luck convincing him that she has "no interest" in his house

Naturally, were they to get married, she'd quite rightly be entitled to a share of it, but that's for the future and in the meantime he'll doubtless make his own decisions

OP I am on your side. My DH paid for the difference on holidays when we were dating (without me asking) and I always contribute and also do a lot in many other ways. DH would not have hesitated in paying the difference for me, and he has done so for my family members before too. He doesn't even earn that much - nothing compared to your DP!

I guess this is just difference between you both, or he is not that interested in you coming... I agree when thinking of mat leave and kids this would concern me.

Is it possible he's thinking ahead to the rest of the trip. You can't afford to go one the same flights, which is fine even well paid I'd couldn't afford a last minute £1500 flight to Asia, but he's also paying for all the hotels. There's also vague mention of him paying for everything else while your there
So his extra week in the country he's already in has now turned in to funding most of all the costs of a week on Asia for two people.
He may be thinking if you can't afford the full flight cost then actually a joint holiday when one of you has no money isn't really fun, and may make you feel bad once there.
I wouldn't like to go on holiday where I felt like I was asking my husband for money everytime we did anything, or ate, or got drinks.
Of course it may be a red flag, only you know him... but on the face suggesting a shorter closer holiday you can afford seems much less hassle for both of you. It's not like he's said he's still doing the extra week and you can just stay home.

OP, leaving this trip aside, you have a lot of opinions on how much money your boyfriend has, how he is spending it, whether he should/needs to spend it this way, or if he could instead spend it some other way. It all feels incredibly intrusive and presumptious, especially for a relationship of just a year. It's not your business, unless and until he chooses to share with you.

You seem to have cast yourself as a committed partner/wife of many years, with all the corresponding intimacies and privileges; which is well ahead of where your relationship actually is, and out of sync with where your boyfriend believes you to be.

He may be thinking if you can't afford the full flight cost then actually a joint holiday when one of you has no money isn't really fun, and may make you feel bad once there

You could well be right, @Kittybakes89, except that from everything OP's said she'd probably expect him to sub that too

It's not like he's said he's still doing the extra week and you can just stay home

Exactly, but since the alternative break he's (IMO very sensibly) suggested is for fewer days OP's now moaning about that too

The moment you started saying that he should stop paying on renovations to his house and use the money on you instead, you proved yourself entitled. If a bloke did that, and posted on here, they'd get their arse handed to them

Wise words @BoundaryGirl3939

Thank you for the replies.

I should have done a poll (not that I have any idea how to do that) but I've just spend a good 30 min counting up those answers that clearly said I'm in the wrong/ being entitled/ red flag for him about me and that's 90 posts. Those who have said they don't think I'm in the wrong/red flag for me to see about him and be concerned about the future etc are 87..I appreciate others just digressed onto bigger picture stuff and our future generally and I may have counted incorrectly. But overall I guess this show it's not a clear cut situation.

As others have said... perhaps the fact that my friends (who know more about the relationship and me etc) are thinking he is in the wrong may sway things more that way but I can see certainly that it is not a clear.

He and I probably have different expectations about the future and more importantly where our relationship is right now.

This. Sure, people can fall in love and be convinced they want to be together forever after a year, but that's usually because of passion, compatibility and fun! I'd find this nit-picking and invasiveness about his money and how he 'should' spend it a major turn-off, and really not much fun at all.

You'll only know where you stand if you can remain as financially independent as possible until you've made a commitment to one another and a joint decision about money. I'd a boyfriend at a similar stage (now dh) and he loved making big gestures and being extravagant which was nice but I used dampen it down as he had (a bit) more money than me & I preferred to keep things pretty equal and manageable - eg he booked a big holiday to Tokyo as a surprise and I made him get a refund and we had a lovely lovely holiday cycling around Yorkshire instead. Still haven't made it to Tokyo 😔, but we had a really memorable and fun time and I was happier as I could pay my way.

Well good luck, but I don't see how someone being uncomfortable about this situation is 'in the wrong'. Very few people are that keen to be planning children and expect to be treated as a full-on (unequal) financial partnership after a year and sounds like you're in more of a rush than he is. If you like him maybe you just need to slow down a bit.

Maybe he is thinking … I really can’t understand why she is so bad at budgeting her money, she should have savings enough for this ticket without expecting me to pay.
Cant imagine having kids and mortgage with someone who just can’t manage her finances and expects man to rescue her. He’s thinking Red Flag.

£1500, for a lifetime opportunity, that's what credit cards are for, and if you could afford it in 6 months, that's where a 0% balance transfer comes in handy. You're not talking an earthshatterig amount to be temporarily in debt to. Your default was to expect him to pay, and that has probably got his back up. You say you are not getting on in other areas, so I doubt your relationship is as stable as you'd hope it to be. Your age has made you push this relationship down a faster track than would normally occur - still at dating GF/BF by 1 year more usual. You've not been with him long enough to know if he's been future-faking. Much as you want this relationship to be long term, does he still?
You may well find it quite hard to reach your aim of earning 5x more in 5 years if those years include having 1or 2 DC's. Don't bank on him to be father of the year abd super supportive as given he's in his 40's, he obviously has not ever seen that role as a big priority in his life.
I think that while your mind has run away with a future together and a family, he is very much still in the 'we've only been dating a year' phase and seeing how it goes while you're steaming ahead. That's why he still sees you as very much separate and responsible for your own finances.
Next year would be rather soon to start on DC's, especially as you have not mentioned buying a house together, which is what you absolutely should do if no intent to marry. Get a joint house first at the very least. Sell or rent out your respective homes so you both have some savings. If you can't agree on buying a house together, or you sell yours, put money into his and have it in joint names, then you've failed at the first step before DC's.

I see his point of view and do think yAbu . He was basically offering to pay for all the accommodation which can be a lot depending on how long you are going for.
you had a way to afford to get there ( via transit in China but you don’t want to) instead you want him to also contribute to your ticket… I understand helping out your partner but this isn’t really essential is it? Why can’t you transit via China 🤣
air miles are NOt the same as clubcard points and the more efficient way to use them is to get an entire flight, not to subsidise the cost and pay part in cash so I can see why he’s not keen.
btw if my bf of a year was offering me free accommodation to a place I really wanted to go holiday at, i would be super grateful, it’s a very generous offer!!! Think OP has forgotten that..