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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being entitled or is this a red flag?

581 replies

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 13:27

Sorry it's long, wanted to include all important details.

Partner (of over a year, no kids or shared finances atm) has a business trip to Asia and was thinking of extended it for a week and having a holiday. Invited me. This would use up the rest of our annual leave this year so last chance for holiday just us. I've never been to this country and he's never explored it properly but been for business and goes usually annually.

He will get business class flights paid for. He'd obviously have to pay for hotels and everything extra over there after the trip ends.

I can't afford the direct flights there and back (in economy basic) although family have suggested they could help as they think it's a great opportunity to go to this country.

Partner said they would pay for the hotel (which they'd be paying for anyway as they said they'd be extending their trip anyway with or without me originally).

There are indirect flights which I could afford in economy on an airline with poor reviews and changing in China. I'm not keen on these flights and a bit anxious about flying alone anyway let alone changing in China etc...

Partner feels like it's entitled that I have suggested maybe he could contribute additionally to the flights so I could come on the direct ones (and get same plane home as him). He says he cant afford this (although no figures have been discussed so he has no idea if I would need £200 contribution or £500). He is high earner and earns approx 4 or 5 times more than me. He does have building work he is spending money on though- but nothing that couldn't wait in my opinion if he genuinely can't afford it (cosmetic items). Different interpretations here on if he could "afford" it I guess and what he is choosing to prioritise. I have also suggested he could let me use some of his airmiles to reduce my flight cost. He did agree to this when pressed but as we've been arguing nothing proactive has happened about this as now he's decided if I can't afford to go then and the trip is causing an issue then he'll just cancel and won't go.

His suggestion is that as a "compromise" he'll cancel the extension to the trip, spend a few days annual leave on the building work and then we can go away somewhere cheaper in line with my "budget".

I feel like he should want me to go on this trip with him, it's a great opportunity to do this in a cheaper way and we need a holiday together.. I'm also annoyed that if we don't go then he won't just keep the full week's holiday so we could do something else for a full week's holiday that is cheaper (although my preference would be to make Asia work).

I should add that he recently changed it from being he'd pay for the accommodation only to I wouldn't have to pay for anything there.. but then in the next discussion he'd decided that he was cancelling the trip! Obviously if I had to pay for my whole flight and he was paying for everything over there then I'd accept the money from my family and make that work but it seems that offer has been rescinded.

As an aside, I've made comments about being concerned about the future if we were to have kids and how it might work on maternity leave as I don't want to be with someone who'd be like "well you can only afford x and I want to do y and we need to both pay evenly" etc and he said that was spiteful and it wouldn't be like that etc but if we were a family unit the finances would be pooled.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 05/09/2024 18:17

For all those saying he should cough up and the rest of us should raise our standards - my DH has always been the higher earner. When we dated I didn't agree to anything I couldn't afford, I always paid my share. If he wanted me by his side for something I couldn't afford, he OFFERED to pay. He is a generous man but he doesn't like it when his generosity is demanded. We married because small actions made us realise that we shared bigger ideals, like an attitude to money, respect, ambition, a work ethic. He has been unstintingly generous with me over the years, as have I with him, but both knew we could trust each other financially. That is a pretty important in a relationship. But I do think, as a society, we are very squeamish about talking about money and you really cannot afford to shy away from the subject when you are about to merge finances and make huge life decisions, like having children. As I said previously, I don't think OP sounds entitled as a person, although I think in this situation her ACTIONS sound entitled, but it does sound like they are on very different pages when it comes to money. It is causing confusion and this is too important a subject in a relationship to be confused about. No one should be depending on interpreting actions over an honest conversation. For instance, if they had kids, would OP want to stay at home? Does he agree that this decision is the right one for the family and would he be happy to fund it and accept any financial hardship that comes from that decision? We have this wonderful ideal that love overcomes all, but come on, most of us on here know it does not. A wildly different attitude to finances can be a relationship killer - why risk that heartbreak if you can be forewarned?

If you are already having problems, OP, then you need to sit down and really get a good idea from each other how your lives are actually going to work.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/09/2024 18:18

Neither of you are right ir wrong. It just seems like you two are not right for each other.

friendlycat · 05/09/2024 18:19

I can't honestly believe this is all about the equivalent of some airmiles and £300. There simply has to be more to it than this.

Teanbiscuits33 · 05/09/2024 18:42

The main thing to remember here is - someone who wants you should want to move heaven and earth to make that happen and make sure you’re happy and comfortable. It’s not as if you’ve been dating a few weeks, it’s been over a year now, and I know that’s not that long either but he should know how he feels about you by now. It’s a few hundred quid for your comfort, and he gets to spend a holiday with someone he loves. The fact he isn’t willing to do that tells you everything you need to know. I’d end it.

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 18:43

friendlycat · 05/09/2024 18:19

I can't honestly believe this is all about the equivalent of some airmiles and £300. There simply has to be more to it than this.

Thank you for pointing this out/clarifying. It seems that many posters have done what my partner has done and interpreted this whole thing as me expecting to be "bank rolled/him funding the holiday" etc. He had indicated to me that he couldn't afford it before there had been any discussion of what "it" was. The first conversation was abrasive from the start and it was sort of left for him to think about it I guess / we didn't resolve it. The second conversation started from the premise of "I'm going to cancel so let's not worry about it". There was NO suggestion of him paying for it all or even discussing figures until after he'd said that about how he should just cancel it. This was the very thing I was all frustrated about as I can guarantee he could afford £50 for example... what if that's all it had been?! The argument was basically more about the fact he'd unilaterally decided a "compromise" was for him to cancel and then he spend a few days of annual leave on house stuff and we go away for a few days. (Again... just to clarify as I feel this point has been missed... we're switching from a potential 9 day trip to a few days..
he hasn't clarified why he'd suddenly not want to use all of his annual leave on a week's holiday somewhere else so it would actually feel like a holiday. Hence it also feels more like a punishment perhaps of "I'm going to cancel and I'm only going to give you a few days of time now" too)

I would have thought it would be approx £400 discount off the flight using airmiles and maybe an extra £300 in cash would have been enough to make it manageable for me.

OP posts:
CloudPop · 05/09/2024 18:46

chaosmaker · 05/09/2024 17:59

I don't like mean people @4556689vdrfjjh . I would not have kids with this guy. As you've said yourself he hears one thing and then twists it to create an argument. You can do better :)

Agree with this 100%.

unlikelywitch · 05/09/2024 18:57

I absolutely don’t think there’s any issue with being treated by your bf, and I’d never date a stingy guy, but I think it’s your expectation that’s the problem. If you’d just said “oh that sounds amazing but the flights are out of my budget right now” then you would’ve given him the chance to offer, but you’re sort of acting like it’s your God given right to go on a holiday you can’t actually afford to contribute to in any meaningful way. That is entitled.

Ok, he would be paying (thousands I expect) for the hotel anyway but you’d still be getting FREE accommodation. You also want to use his airmiles and for him to give you £300 for your flights as well as family members chipping in. Then to top it off, you claim to need a holiday together despite already having been on at least 3 trips together. It’s giving grabby.

Also, I’m baffled as to why you’re not renting your place out if you’ve moved in with him.

Shooola · 05/09/2024 18:58

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 18:43

Thank you for pointing this out/clarifying. It seems that many posters have done what my partner has done and interpreted this whole thing as me expecting to be "bank rolled/him funding the holiday" etc. He had indicated to me that he couldn't afford it before there had been any discussion of what "it" was. The first conversation was abrasive from the start and it was sort of left for him to think about it I guess / we didn't resolve it. The second conversation started from the premise of "I'm going to cancel so let's not worry about it". There was NO suggestion of him paying for it all or even discussing figures until after he'd said that about how he should just cancel it. This was the very thing I was all frustrated about as I can guarantee he could afford £50 for example... what if that's all it had been?! The argument was basically more about the fact he'd unilaterally decided a "compromise" was for him to cancel and then he spend a few days of annual leave on house stuff and we go away for a few days. (Again... just to clarify as I feel this point has been missed... we're switching from a potential 9 day trip to a few days..
he hasn't clarified why he'd suddenly not want to use all of his annual leave on a week's holiday somewhere else so it would actually feel like a holiday. Hence it also feels more like a punishment perhaps of "I'm going to cancel and I'm only going to give you a few days of time now" too)

I would have thought it would be approx £400 discount off the flight using airmiles and maybe an extra £300 in cash would have been enough to make it manageable for me.

Most flights to "Aisa" are in or around 750. So with his airlines 400 + 300 cash loan, you'd be contributing about 50 of your own money.

Where are you going to get spending money from?

Pinguastic · 05/09/2024 19:01

Perhaps the issue is that you could flying cheaper by taking a connecting flight, but you won’t AND expect HIM to pay extra for your direct flight.

Just take the flight with the connection. China airport should not scare you,

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 19:03

Direct flights almost £1500

OP posts:
deeahgwitch · 05/09/2024 19:07

Teanbiscuits33 · 05/09/2024 18:42

The main thing to remember here is - someone who wants you should want to move heaven and earth to make that happen and make sure you’re happy and comfortable. It’s not as if you’ve been dating a few weeks, it’s been over a year now, and I know that’s not that long either but he should know how he feels about you by now. It’s a few hundred quid for your comfort, and he gets to spend a holiday with someone he loves. The fact he isn’t willing to do that tells you everything you need to know. I’d end it.

I agree.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 19:14

Doesn't sound much as if he wants you there {enough to pay for the direct flights} - Sounds like it might not be a good long term partnership - and that he is having potential cold feet.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/09/2024 19:16

he hasn't clarified why he'd suddenly not want to use all of his annual leave on a week's holiday somewhere else so it would actually feel like a holiday. Hence it also feels more like a punishment perhaps of "I'm going to cancel and I'm only going to give you a few days of time now" too)

You put the term "compromise" in quotes as though you don't agree that a short, less hassle and less expensive break for the two of you is a reasonable Plan B to this faff about you making a trip you can't afford to Asia.

It sounds perfect to me - you have another getaway together AND he saves money and has time to work on his household projects. That's how I would apportion my scarce/finite resources of time and money, too.

That you consider his offer to be lacking and "a punishment" because he reserves some of his AL for himself, and that a short break is something sub-par, tells me that your comms styles and values are poles apart.

I really wouldn't pursue this relationship. If you're already having this much strife and angst and misunderstanding over a casual mention of holiday, that didn't turn out to be practical for either of you, it's doomed.

Also saying it would "only" be this or this when it's his money you are wanting is really not on.

Holidayhell22 · 05/09/2024 19:17

To be blunt I think you are wasting your time.
He doesn’t sound that into you.
Why isn’t he using his air miles? What is he saving them for?

Bestyearever2024 · 05/09/2024 19:19

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 18:43

Thank you for pointing this out/clarifying. It seems that many posters have done what my partner has done and interpreted this whole thing as me expecting to be "bank rolled/him funding the holiday" etc. He had indicated to me that he couldn't afford it before there had been any discussion of what "it" was. The first conversation was abrasive from the start and it was sort of left for him to think about it I guess / we didn't resolve it. The second conversation started from the premise of "I'm going to cancel so let's not worry about it". There was NO suggestion of him paying for it all or even discussing figures until after he'd said that about how he should just cancel it. This was the very thing I was all frustrated about as I can guarantee he could afford £50 for example... what if that's all it had been?! The argument was basically more about the fact he'd unilaterally decided a "compromise" was for him to cancel and then he spend a few days of annual leave on house stuff and we go away for a few days. (Again... just to clarify as I feel this point has been missed... we're switching from a potential 9 day trip to a few days..
he hasn't clarified why he'd suddenly not want to use all of his annual leave on a week's holiday somewhere else so it would actually feel like a holiday. Hence it also feels more like a punishment perhaps of "I'm going to cancel and I'm only going to give you a few days of time now" too)

I would have thought it would be approx £400 discount off the flight using airmiles and maybe an extra £300 in cash would have been enough to make it manageable for me.

You are just not listening

Your expectation/s is/are entitled and grabby

You appear unable to hear and see how you come across

You also appear unable to read the room

HE DOESNT WANT TO SPEND THE TIME WITH YOU. ITS NOT A PUNISHMENT NOR IS IT HIM BEING TIGHT

He doesn't know how much he would have been expected to pay, he doesn't care. He's bailed. YOUR grabbing attitude has given him the ick

Its not difficult to see what has happened, although you seem to stubbornly refuse to understand

Pinguastic · 05/09/2024 19:20

4556689vdrfjjh · 05/09/2024 19:03

Direct flights almost £1500

Too expensive … don’t go.

samanthablues · 05/09/2024 19:30

oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 19:14

Doesn't sound much as if he wants you there {enough to pay for the direct flights} - Sounds like it might not be a good long term partnership - and that he is having potential cold feet.

Yep, he doesn’t sound very excited about her being there, it’s quite “if she comes with me fine but then she needs to pay and if she doesn’t that’s fine too”. OP, you’re giving way too much importance to something he’s not. Skip the bloody trip and meet your lovely friends for fun that weekend, they seem to have your best interests.

Pinguastic · 05/09/2024 19:37

But …. How many times have you thought a last minute trip/holiday was an exciting idea til you saw the price? Then decided no. Can’t do.
Got invited last minute to Spain in August to free room in a house w friends but bank holiday weekend the flights were just too much. Was just too much ££££ for a weekend even though accomodation was free. It happens.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 05/09/2024 19:41

Yes, you are being entitled.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/09/2024 19:44

It's not really up to you to decide what he can and cannot afford.

pilates · 05/09/2024 19:46

£1,500 is a lot more than the £300 you said earlier.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/09/2024 19:48

Holidayhell22 · 05/09/2024 19:17

To be blunt I think you are wasting your time.
He doesn’t sound that into you.
Why isn’t he using his air miles? What is he saving them for?

I have 400,000 hard won air miles and I wouldn't be squandering them on someone who expected me to defray their costs.

What he's saving them for is his business.

Expecting a boyfriend of one year to be a sugar daddy is not a good look.

Tillybud81 · 05/09/2024 19:50

pilates · 05/09/2024 19:46

£1,500 is a lot more than the £300 you said earlier.

That was what she was asking for his contribution to be towards it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/09/2024 19:53

I would be moving back out into my own place, OP. Do it whilst he's having his lovely jolly away.

PrincessofWells · 05/09/2024 19:55

The point is in Asia you pay per room, so he wasn't being generous at all. He would be paying for the hotel room anyway.