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Original poster

Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

150 replies

Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 19:55

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

OP posts:
AlienShmalien · 04/09/2024 21:46

Have a read up on the psychological concept 'Repetition Compulsion '.
Good luck.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2024 21:49

Can you not just do some of that stuff?

Is there any chance you're expecting one person to fulfill everything you want in life ?

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/09/2024 21:52

Don't beat yourself up about it. Get a therapist. A good one.

greatjumpingcrickets · 04/09/2024 21:58

Imo a considerable number of men are selfish and overly-confident so they pursue their own agenda and believe you’ll be happy to go along with it.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/09/2024 22:02

What's been missing OP?

Glowygoose · 04/09/2024 22:03

What were the dynamics of your parents relationship? Was one more domineering and the other more subservient or a martyr?

What sort of things are we talking about? Can you give examples? There's a big difference between a husband insisting you move to a different country every 2 years and a husband not compromising on what to have for tea.

Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:23

I don’t want to work 48 weeks of the year and save and save and build up a gazillion assets for an old age that may never arrive (both)

I don’t want to go on 2 x 2 week holidays to ‘luxury’ resorts which could be anywhere (both) because we are ‘too busy’ with work to do anything else

i don’t want to live in huge houses with ridiculous amounts of bedrooms we don’t need and spend all my time and money on a bloody house (first one) nor also live in a huge country house in middle of nowhere (however pretty) surrounded by bloody cows and tied down by frigging dogs (second one)

I don’t want to have to meticulously plan every aspect of my life and never do anything spontaneously (both)

I want a small house - there are only two of us - in a lively place that has theatre, music, pubs, shops and life

I want to pop out for dinner, coffee, cinema when I feel like it or planned 6 weeks in advance

I’m happy to work hard BUT I want to earn a little less and take time to travel and see all the wonderful bits of the world

I want to chill at the weekend not have endless garden, house etc

I want to decide what we’re are doing depending what we feel
like not planned like a military fucking precision

OP posts:
Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:24

‘Glowygoose’ My parents had a fairly equitable marriage I think. I felt like they were a partnership?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 04/09/2024 22:27

I agree a therapist would help. Hope you can find a good one.
Maybe dating people who are less materialistic/status driven too?

Gollumm · 04/09/2024 22:29

Do you feel like you need to be with a man to do all those things you want to do? Because you don't. All those things you can do by yourself. Divorce him if this isn't the life you want, don't waste any more time.

PermanentTemporary · 04/09/2024 22:31

This is so interesting [sorry, it's your life]. I would say you desperately need therapy. After my second marriage ended I went into therapy for 4.5 years basically to avoid another relationship that seemed to rub against the grain of me. I needed to think through why I had chosen those men (nb i did love them both).

What about staying married but living apart? Is that an option? Or just moving together, rather than divorcing? Could you just - say what you actually want? It's surprisingly powerful BUT you have to really mean it, and the be prepared to discuss it and compromise, rather than have only 2 options and if neither will work, give up immediately.

HerRoyalNotness · 04/09/2024 22:35

What would he do/say if you just made plans for things you want to do? Mine doesn’t want to socialise or support our DC activities as he’s too tired from work so I just go do it anyway, without him.‘his loss

icelolly12 · 04/09/2024 22:38

Seems you're searching for a man to live out your dream rather than creating it yourself or building it together

tolerable · 04/09/2024 22:38

need to be at peace/love yourself .
then (if still inclined) attempt relationship probli.meantime...easy come easy go...nothin you listed requires "partner" really
meantime,,,dont worry bout it

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alwaysmovingforwards · 04/09/2024 22:40

Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:23

I don’t want to work 48 weeks of the year and save and save and build up a gazillion assets for an old age that may never arrive (both)

I don’t want to go on 2 x 2 week holidays to ‘luxury’ resorts which could be anywhere (both) because we are ‘too busy’ with work to do anything else

i don’t want to live in huge houses with ridiculous amounts of bedrooms we don’t need and spend all my time and money on a bloody house (first one) nor also live in a huge country house in middle of nowhere (however pretty) surrounded by bloody cows and tied down by frigging dogs (second one)

I don’t want to have to meticulously plan every aspect of my life and never do anything spontaneously (both)

I want a small house - there are only two of us - in a lively place that has theatre, music, pubs, shops and life

I want to pop out for dinner, coffee, cinema when I feel like it or planned 6 weeks in advance

I’m happy to work hard BUT I want to earn a little less and take time to travel and see all the wonderful bits of the world

I want to chill at the weekend not have endless garden, house etc

I want to decide what we’re are doing depending what we feel
like not planned like a military fucking precision

Genuine question, why do you need to find the perfect partner to live this life? Why couldn’t you just do it on your own now?

And if this want you really want, why on earth did you end up with a guy in a massive house and one living on a farm hoping they’d change to fit in with your ambitions?!? Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems like you’ve made some odd decisions that clearly aren’t aligned to your vision.

Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:45

‘PermanentTemporary’
when I got together with current husband I refused to live with him. I kept my own place and moved between the two. But then it got annoying - always driving because his two bloody great dogs can’t come to my lovely place - then Covid hit - and so by stealth I ended up moving in. I was so clear n what I want and he swore he was too. Said it was only because he hadn’t found anyone to do it with. Totally swept me off feet (querying love bombed now?) and I believed him. But the truth is he loves doing house stuff. Loves living in the middle of nowhere. Wants to cook dinner every night and stay in. Loves the country life with dogs and endless frigging walking. I really don’t know how I didn’t see it. And he appears baffled when I say I don’t as in “how can you not like this” ….. but I’m slowly suffocating. And of course everyone thinks he’s wonderful ….. cooks, cleans, does all life admin, earns well etc but it so he can do it his way.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 04/09/2024 22:50

I don't think you will ever meet anyone who will meet your expectations. Just stay single or date but you made those choices and no one forced you to marry.

Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:51

@alwaysmovingforwards Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems like you’ve made some odd decisions that clearly aren’t aligned to your vision.

no you are not missing something … that’s why I said in my OP that it’s my fault. I don’t know why I didn’t see that what he said what wholly at odds with what he was actually doing but somehow I did not. I just believed what he said …. which was bullshit

OP posts:
Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:53

@PrimalOwl10

i know that what I can’t work out. I was very happy single with my life so why on earth have I tied myself down to another bloody guy. Why? I think therapy is the way to go although I have no idea what type. I’m literally mystified at my nonsensical decision making

OP posts:
Original poster
Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:57

@Gollumm

no I don’t feel like I need to be with a man but it’s an interesting question because I don’t go looking they just sort of appear. But when they do, it’s like I loose my sense of self and just end up going along with what they say. I don’t know why

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/09/2024 22:57

I think the life that you want sounds lovely, but I also think the life he wants sounds lovely! <helpful> maybe a compromise of a little place in town as well that you can pop to on the weekends sometimes..?!

I don't think it sounds like your fault exactly, though I can see why you'd think that as you'd think the bloody great dogs would have been a little clue.. 😬

Anyway I don't mean to sound flippant, but don't think of it as a failure, he probably thought it sounded nice when you talked about it but when it comes to the crunch he's happy in his little life and would like you to be as well, so he's just burying his head in the sand. It's a shame but I wouldn't read nasty intent into it or anything. Time for an amicable separation hopefully.

justasking111 · 04/09/2024 23:03

I'm presuming you're both older so know your own mind. Covid did skew a lot of common sense leading us to behave out of character.

Now your life is on an even keel you've realised your not suited to this life.

You can try therapy but I think you know your own mind.

GorgeousTulips · 04/09/2024 23:03

You do t need a man. Go and live your dream for you. Don’t get married again.

Franjipanl8r · 04/09/2024 23:04

What’s a “go-getter”?! Is it someone who looks all flashy and shiny on the outside but on the inside are just a money oriented workaholic?

SkaneTos · 04/09/2024 23:04

No need to be embarrassed.
Many people are divorced twice.

Be single.
Live the life that you want to live.
Do what you want to do.

If you meet someone you like, perhaps just be with that person? No need to marry.

Good luck!