Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

[Zipidydodah]

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

Something about you/a part of you doesn't feel deserving of/is threatened by an equal in a relationship.

I think you're actively self sabotaging. I also agree that you're in victim mode rather than objectively analysing your role and participation in every decision that's been made.

In your shoes I would get some counselling and try to figure out why this pattern has emerged in your life. With a good therapist you'll be able to get to the bottom of what's going on.

I'm not saying don't split up, just do the work first to ensure it's the right decision before you run for the door. If you don't you may end up back here with No3.

"Go getters" are always going to be men who want to do things their own way and have an idea of how things are meant to be.

I am a "go getter" and I married and "golden retriever". You can't marry the same type of person as you otherwise you will clash.

@Ghilliegums

No I’m not a victim but also it is not the case that I’ve told myself he lied. He absolutely did …. For a long time. We had long and very detailed conversations about the time frames. He told me he wanted to maximize the profit from the house so was going to do x & y improvement and that would take x time and by that time the digs would be gone. He was going to bring in a director into his company explicitly to be skilled up to be number 2 so he could leave. We’d bank the money from downsizing and travel…. biggest regret of his life he hadn’t etc etc …… detailed plans. But now the time lines are coming up suddenly there are more projects for the house because it’s not quite there yet, he didn’t expect the dogs to go just yet (one has sadly died at a ripe old age) and the other is not going to be around too much longer - both have exceed the life expectancy for their breed so it’s bollocks. Now it’s ‘my’ time, all bets are off and he’s back peddling

Do you actually love the guy? Do you want to be in a committed relationship with all the compromises that entails? Don’t want to salvage the relationship? For most people who are married, the relationship is central to their lives so there is a strong desire to make it work. If that is the case, could you have a heart to heart with him and tell him there are things which are important to you and if your marriage is to go forward, they need to be accommodated in your marriage. From your post, it seems you have a romantic view of men-as if they were characters in a rom com- rather than human beings with individual qualities and flaws. And I met my now dh when I had a dog-he doesn’t like dogs and is uninterested in them-but he liked me so compromised. I would’ve been totally nonplussed if he then started complaining about my dog when he knew about it all along.
If you don’t love the guy, you need to sack it off as you’ll both be very unhappy.

But...that's life. You are married to a human being not a limited company. Things DO disrupt plans. Plans change. People change. Finances change.

I am struggling to understand the thinking behind knowing that he loved the country life with a remote house and dogs and walking and yet marrying him anyway thinking you'd do that for a bit then he'd be happy to downsize and live in a 2 bed with no dogs in a city.

Probably and I think I do that a lot ….i think if I give then they will give back

It's an interesting mindset because, realistically, a man who is happy with a big country house and multiple dogs is unlikely to ever want to give that up for a small terrace in a busy city. The two lifestyles are just too different.

It reads a bit like you were hoping they'd love you enough to change who they are - which is just a recipe for disaster from day one, for both of you.

You aren't 'giving' though OP.

You are marrying people who want totally different lifestyles, biding your time and then demanding that they change.

It sounds like you married him expecting him to change and he hasn't.
I think you were on to a losing proposition from the start.
He has a lifestyle many of us would envy, but it's not for you.
He might have told you he would change to match what you want, but honestly why should he?
Leave him to his dogs and country house (sounds perfect to me, but that's just me).

So you hopefully wouldn’t choose it. I’d hate the billionaire lifestyle so would never be attracted or tempted by a billionaire.

The compromise would be a second home but if dh is there then so are the dogs (which was an issue when OP lived separately from dh).

Or you separate and live a single life doing what you want when you want (whilst having some therapy to gain insight on your choices).

Think you sound quite needy and selfish TBH.

OP, forget embarrassment, this is your life, you don't owe anyone your happiness.
You are not compatible, accept it and move on.

To anyone who tries to defend him, tell them crack on, he's all yours.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Only stupid people cannot imagine that relationships fail for many reasons.

He sounds like a highly manipulative difficult person to live with.
Stop beating yourself up, own it, and leave.

This feels suspiciously like someone is testing the waters for an awful Chick-lit idea they have.

Sorry, none of this is remotely believable.

Make a couple of firm decisions and stick to them: I’m not getting married again, I’m not co-habiting again. Go get therapy and live life on your own terms!

So go travelling yourself!!!

Ha yes it absolutely does!

In that case OP, can't you run away with the gardener?

I think living with a partner is always full of compromise, and marrying one, even more so.
People change. It doesn't mean hes lied to you. It might mean hes found hes not as restless as he thought.
I really think you should consider spending some time single and how you can work towards your own goal.
Your fantasy partner may or may not exist. I think youd get to know yourself a lot better maybe with some travelling alone

Bloody heck, if it had of been one DH, mind not divorced here, instead of the two I'd have thought I'd have written this.

I have no advice for you but just to say I know exactly what you mean and how you feel.

To be a Go getter other aspects of your life get neglected. If this trait is attractive to you you would need to have the same values and do your own thing. What do you want! Some time on your own might help you identify this. Your scenario in the country dogs cooking done cosy evenings would be ideal for some but if it is not you what is Pubs clubs gigs holidays theatre socialising ? People settle in to their lives together over time, it is impossible to say up front all your wants and needs because your priorities change it’s life.

My autistic Ex was like you first and second. He would agree with me on whatever, but then just do his own thing, ignore me when I said I was unhappy. Life was on his terms and I could talk to the end of time to him about how I felt or what I needed but it would not penetrate or lead to any accommodation. He was amazed when our relationship broke down too.

You need to learn how to be single. Go on dates if they appeal but be ruthless. Don't just jump in again, be firm in your boundaries and keep to them.

Maybe you need to compromise. No one has it all.

"Go getter" often comes with "single mindedness".

If you are emotional swayed by the former you will eventually face up against an inability to change.

Next time the approach should be to look for the type of behaviours that you are looking for. Within this subset there might be someone who is also enough of a go getter.

The difficulty is that passion is easier to follow and prevents you from assessing other cues objectively.

Have you ever thought of just giving yourself the time and space to be you without all the fancy attachments, activities etc? Sounds to me that you are attracted to all the good stuff, but underneath have quite a strong personality that is trying to get out. Get out there and do your own thing for you.