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Relationships

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Original poster

Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

150 replies

Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 19:55

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

OP posts:

Pallisers · 05/09/2024 00:09

But the truth is he loves doing house stuff. Loves living in the middle of nowhere. Wants to cook dinner every night and stay in. Loves the country life with dogs and endless frigging walking

The truth also is that when you met him he lived in the middle of nowhere. He loved and lived the country life. He had dogs.

I don't know what you weren't seeing or noticing but it was all there.

I feel for you but maybe get some therapy around your relationships because you seem to have difficulty understanding that what you see and what they are is what you get.

Your ideal life (mine too btw) is very doable as a single woman. Or as a woman who doesn't live fulltime with her husband. If you like the current husband, why not suggest you live apart some of the time. you get your small house in a town near arts/shops and you get together at weekends or during the week or whatever. Once kids are out of the equation marriage and how it works day to day can be anything you want.

neilyoungismyhero · 05/09/2024 00:10

TheaBrandt · 04/09/2024 23:14

God I empathise would hate to live in the middle of nowhere with dogs.

But she knew about the dogs and the life style and still went ahead...it's not as if it his life style was all a huge surprise.

Original poster

Zipidydodah · 05/09/2024 00:28

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice
I need to get this way of thinking. At the moment I’m just embarrassed!

OP posts:

Original poster

Zipidydodah · 05/09/2024 00:29

@neilyoungismyhero
no but if you read my previous post - its not what he said he wanted even though it plainly is so why did I believe him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Zipidydodah · 05/09/2024 00:35

@Pallisers
i don’t know either!! He said something different and I (wanted) to believe him but now it just seems idiotic

He wouldn’t agree - we sort of started out like this but he wants it all and tbh I’ve sort of checked out now as I just feel he lied to get me and what he wanted and is now just hoping he can gaslight his way through it claiming misunderstanding/ change of circumstances etc

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 05/09/2024 00:40

You might be a go-getter, but maybe a bit too passive when it comes to men. It seems like you go along with what you don't want until you end up in the misery and leave. There's a lot of steps to misery, ones where you need to make a stand.
Why are you starting a project on the house when you want to sell it? That should stop. You have said they don't listen, but then are surprised when you leave, have you sat them down prior and said if we can't start making steps towards the life we both agreed upon, then I will be leaving? Give fair warning before you go, an opportunity for them to take it seriously. If your DH still doesn't listen and basically has renaged on what he agreed prior, then its fair to leave.
Really, consider the life you want and find a man who is already leading similar to what you want. I think you went for a man who was already leading a vastly different lifestyle- country vs town/suburbs. You expected he'd change into what you wanted - and to be fair, he claimed he would. But really, people don't change a lot from who they are, but they do say anything to get what they want.
So give him opportunity to enact the plan and if he doesn't, then go. Next time find someone whose already living the life you want as men don't change so it's pointless hoping for change.

Pallisers · 05/09/2024 00:42

Zipidydodah · 05/09/2024 00:35

@Pallisers
i don’t know either!! He said something different and I (wanted) to believe him but now it just seems idiotic

if you think he is lying/gaslighting you, then it is over.

I strongly recommend, OP, that you establish the life you want yourself - buy that small house, get involved in local arts stuff or whatever. Live the life you want for a while. Then whoever you meet will know who you are and will have to adapt to it or agree with a similar life. I understand that you are attracted to a certain type of man - but that type of man can also like what you like - you can find one of those. In the meantime get your own ideal life established.

Biggaybear · 05/09/2024 00:46

Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:23

I don’t want to work 48 weeks of the year and save and save and build up a gazillion assets for an old age that may never arrive (both)

I don’t want to go on 2 x 2 week holidays to ‘luxury’ resorts which could be anywhere (both) because we are ‘too busy’ with work to do anything else

i don’t want to live in huge houses with ridiculous amounts of bedrooms we don’t need and spend all my time and money on a bloody house (first one) nor also live in a huge country house in middle of nowhere (however pretty) surrounded by bloody cows and tied down by frigging dogs (second one)

I don’t want to have to meticulously plan every aspect of my life and never do anything spontaneously (both)

I want a small house - there are only two of us - in a lively place that has theatre, music, pubs, shops and life

I want to pop out for dinner, coffee, cinema when I feel like it or planned 6 weeks in advance

I’m happy to work hard BUT I want to earn a little less and take time to travel and see all the wonderful bits of the world

I want to chill at the weekend not have endless garden, house etc

I want to decide what we’re are doing depending what we feel
like not planned like a military fucking precision

Then live alone. Uou only have to please yourself then. And if you want sex start dating & get yourself a FWB.

Dont rely on others for your own happiness.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 00:53

I don't really understand OP, if he's everything you want apart from your lack of travel and freedom to do anything, why don't you fulfill that part of your life with your friends? That way you may be able to have the best of both worlds and feel more fulfilled.

I think you've both made a mistake here.. he hoped you'd settle down and come to accept the quiet life, while you hoped he'd become more adventurous, you don't sound well matched, but it's not to say it couldn't work if you were both getting what you wanted out of life.

There's not much point bumbling through if neither of you is making the other happy though.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/09/2024 00:53

He has a very certain type of life that’s not for you and you knew it. The key to any relationship is compatibility and communication. It’s also unfair to make anyone fundamentally try and change anything about themselves that isn’t harmful to themselves or others. You sound a bit country mouse/town mouse just a complete mismatch in what you both enjoy.

Lavenderandbrown · 05/09/2024 01:31

People change OP just rarely in the way you want them to

Taluulaah · 05/09/2024 02:10

Instead of already contemplating the next relationship and what to do different etc, take some time to just focus on you. Sounds like you’ve spent a hell of a lot of time trying to mould yourself or be moulded around the needs and wants of a partner. Figure out what YOU want. It’ll probably take time and probably mean being single for a while too. It’ll be worth it tho. And hopefully you’ll not step into the same old situation again. Wishing you luck, and hope things feel easier very soon.

Codlingmoths · 05/09/2024 02:26

Franjipanl8r · 04/09/2024 23:04

What’s a “go-getter”?! Is it someone who looks all flashy and shiny on the outside but on the inside are just a money oriented workaholic?

I don’t think so- he likes housework and long walks with his dog. That’s not a manic workaholic life!

JadedSoJaded · 05/09/2024 02:40

How old are you, and he? Do you still have your property? If you were somewhere with all the amenities nearby, would he happily participate in what you like to do? If you could afford it I’d buy a bolthole elsewhere and start doing your own thing. Actions speak louder than words. It might push him into action to start making compromises himself, or alternatively be the beginning of the end. Also find a good dog sitter and arrange a couple of weekend breaks away to see if you can re-connect in a different environment.

crockofshite · 05/09/2024 03:43

neilyoungismyhero · 05/09/2024 00:10

But she knew about the dogs and the life style and still went ahead...it's not as if it his life style was all a huge surprise.

Show quote history

The dogs were already on their last legs, and he told OP he wanted the same things/ lifestyle she did. So she believed him and moved in, but now he's backtracking on a lifestyle move and talking about puppies.

He strung OP along.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2024 04:30

I think you're at fault to be honest OP. You want the gorgeous, sexy go getter trophy husband but want them to change their lifestyle to fit in with your wants. It's like matting a sportsman and complaining they have to work weekends when they told you they'd rather spend that time going shopping with you.
The ultimate question is do you still ( or did you ever) love him? If the answer is yes, buy a small town property and start spending time there. Make it clear you'd love him to spend time there too and see what happens. Maybe he just needs a little nudge, actions speak louder than words.

femfemlicious · 05/09/2024 04:52

Zipidydodah · 04/09/2024 22:51

@alwaysmovingforwards Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems like you’ve made some odd decisions that clearly aren’t aligned to your vision.

no you are not missing something … that’s why I said in my OP that it’s my fault. I don’t know why I didn’t see that what he said what wholly at odds with what he was actually doing but somehow I did not. I just believed what he said …. which was bullshit

But he literally had 2 massive dogs and lived in the middle of nowhere 🙄. I don't think you can blame him at all unless he got all those things AFTER you married him?

soberholic · 05/09/2024 04:54

Lol, it's gonna be fine. I was married for the THIRD time by 35.

1st is my first love (happy memories but over) - 7 or 8 years together.

2nd a huge mistake (wtf) - he kept beating me and thought he could get away with it because the "shame of twice-divorced would keep me in place - it didn't"

3rd my true love.

My third husband is a charm so don't worry. No kids or court for divorce with the first 2 though, easy in and easy out, but my current husband and I have a baby so if we divorced (I won't!) then I'll stay single as I have a personal preference against blended families (but not judging).

My rules to life are to try and be nice/kind to everyone, which is probably why I've had so many proposals in my life.

@Garlictest Is a bit of a genius in their description of a common failure in multiple marriages. This was my second marriage. @Garlictest that single post on mumsnet was the most astute thing I've read in a long while. May I ask your occupation?

Garlictest · 05/09/2024 05:04

I'm just a people-watcher and serial relationship failure, @soberholic 😁 That's a very nice thing to say, thank you!

soberholic · 05/09/2024 05:12

Garlictest · 05/09/2024 05:04

I'm just a people-watcher and serial relationship failure, @soberholic 😁 That's a very nice thing to say, thank you!

Haha, well we learn through failures but I'll say this, you've hit the jackpot in articulation. Please keep on the relationship threads as you're definitely an asset. :)

Tiddlywinkly · 05/09/2024 05:58

icelolly12 · 04/09/2024 22:38

Seems you're searching for a man to live out your dream rather than creating it yourself or building it together

This. I think you need to be alone for a bit, building the life you want before you can start thinking of getting a new partner.

ChristmasFluff · 05/09/2024 06:19

If you still love him, why not just unilaterally start doing what you want to do? Drop some work hours, start booking the holidays you want, stop going along with the savings plans. After all, he's said he wants this too.

If he genuinely doesn't, then it's divorce and stay single, until you've sorted out why you keep accepting things you don't want. That's still a step forward.

theworldsmad · 05/09/2024 06:28

My mum use to say- that's the thing about 2nd marriages - you take yourself with!

leafybrew · 05/09/2024 06:41

Am I the only one who feels sorry for the bloke in question?

I hardly think he's been gaslighting anyone - maybe he loves his dogs more than he realised

The OP talks as if she was forced to make her decisions etc why move into his place in the countryside if you didn't want to??

PayYourselfFirst · 05/09/2024 06:51

Zipidydodah · 05/09/2024 00:29

@neilyoungismyhero
no but if you read my previous post - its not what he said he wanted even though it plainly is so why did I believe him?

Covid changed many people.
People who were city go getters moved to the countryside and to their surprise loved it.
Lives changed
You sound very very rigid in your thinking.
That your DH cannot possibly change , he said he liked XYZ so that's it for life.
I agree with the therapy suggestions.
Searching for happiness/ the perfect life seems to be the issue here and it never works
We have only here and now

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