Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

[Zipidydodah]

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

I do think there could be a compromise, if you do still love him, whereby you spend time in both houses..? Could you not be based in the country but spend every other weekend in the city, or vice versa?
unless you would prefer to be single of course. But you’ve been lucky to get another chance at love, and nobody will align perfectly.

I'm twice divorced. One couldn't keep it in his pants, one couldn't keep his fists to himself.
Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, just try and concentrate on you now

Sounds more like a geographical issue than anything else, he doesn’t sound like a bad man. Can you do holidays on your own if he can’t get away?

Sums it up perfectly . OP could choose to remain single and live the life she wants .

Did you think that marrying him would vaporise the dogs? You knew the dogs existed yet one thing you say you didn't want was dogs. What did you think was going to happen to them?

Sounds like you would be better off single. You can do what you like then.

God I empathise would hate to live in the middle of nowhere with dogs.

Don't beat yourself up. We're biologically programmed to partner up. It's really quite impossible to predict how another person is going to evolve over the course of a relationship, or even how you will - sometimes you can go in with the clearest of heads but it just doesn't work and that's not your fault or something you could have prevented.

To give you another perspective, I'm engaged for what will be my third marriage and there's a fourth LTR in the past too. I don't think it's exceptional to be in my 50s with a few long but ultimately failed relationships under my belt. I don't talk about it much because there's a lot of stigma, but you know what? I am not in the least bit ashamed because I'm independent with a strong sense of self and I will walk away if it's not working and can't be fixed. I'd prefer to be me with my history a million times over than to have stuck it out in most of the miserable relationships I see around me and read about on here.

our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does

OP - do you fancy men who would appear to others to be successful & ambitious?

There are sometimes ruthless qualities, determination, single-mindedness, selfishness, deceitfulness manipulative behaviour that can aid some people with their path to success.

Such people do well in fields like Sales, climbing the corporate ladder or politics....but just like politicians lie and sales people say 'YES' just to close a deal, they'll often do that in their relationships as well.

You've again been in a situation where you made it clear what you wanted from the beginning, but apparently your life is mostly to his suiting, instead of yours. I think he was just saying 'YES' in order to close a deal with you. If these men are at the lower end of the empty scale, they don't change or be flexible just because you want something. They'll only really change where there's a real cost to themselves....personally, I don't think that's love.

Probably projecting on my part, but some of your description of what you do and don't want makes me think that much of it might be coordinated more by a job that fosters that (going out, being somewhere lively with a lot to do, travel and, although you don't say it outright, sociability), than something that's centred on a long-term home that would take a lot of upkeep.
I have a Dutch friend...she says that the Dutch are mystified by the compulsion to get married when getting into a couple! Perhaps see if you can date a Dutch guy!

Are you quite a catch, objectively speaking? I think go-getters are inclined to go & get you (hence the love bombing) but, being people who generally get what they want the way they want it, fail to factor in your individual personality, wants and wishes.

Looking at pathological narcissists, they don't see other people as three-dimensional humans. There's a partner-shaped slot in the drama of their lives, and they're genuinely incapable of understanding that their partners (or anybody else) might do life their own way instead of simply playing their parts as scripted.

I'm not suggesting either of your exes have a personality disorder, but there's a big area of overlap between pathology and self-determination. As a very crude generalisation, highly successful people are more likely to be 'narcissistic'.

Something you might want to look at in therapy is whether being an object of desire - a prize - means a little more to you than is healthy. It could feel like affirmation of your worth, to the point where you'd rather hear affirmative words than make an independent assessment of actions, iyswim?

You can ring up psychotherapists from one of the official bodies' lists, and pick someone you feel you can trust. It's not a major commitment, you can change to another practitioner if/when you want.

Aw @Zipidydodah .... Feel for you- I think @SkaneTos has nailed it..... Life happens, shit happens - good luck for the future x

I'm similar to Sugarnspice. I've been divorced 3 times. I've had 2 other relationships that lasted over a year. The men were absolute opposites of each other in many ways. So, although I'm now late 50's, I've only had 5 meaningful relationships - I don't think that's reflects badly on me.
I have now decided never to marry again!
Personally, my advice to anyone my age, unless money is a serious issue for you, don't do it. If you're young and wanting kids one day, do it.
I accept I made those decisions (to get married) but all 3 divorces were driven by me when it was clear that it wasn't working. I'm now more driven to do all the things I wanted to do but was held back. I have fresh new goals in life and it's liberating.
I agree with other posters that men are good at saying one thing but doing another. Yes people change as they get older and compromise can work. It just didn't for me.
I don't regret the marriages per se but I do regret that dithering period of finally ending things, those are the only wasted/pointless years.
Onwards and upwards.

It’s all the man’s fault surely?

@EarthSight
i think you are essentially right. I think I’m inherently attracted to men who have made a success of their careers although not brash sales type people. All in more low key jobs but ones that reward hard graft well but I do think they come with some of the characteristics you say and I choose to ignore that.

I married someone who, to tell the truth, I didn't really love. I tried to call off the wedding 3 months before & split from him, but like you got love bombed. 8 years later split from him after DV & met someone who I adored who started drinking heavily & eventually died from alcoholic liver disease. 10 years later, I've decided that I'm happier on my own, I can do what I want, ds has left home now so my life is my own.

Agree with others. Just build this life on your own and in the future date but don’t move in.

@Negroany
No of course not. The deal was get through Covid, finish a few bits of home improvements and then sell the house and move somewhere more to lively. We knew one dog would no longer be with us by then ( they aren’t) and the other is not that far behind. We talked about a 4 day week and starting to travel but now a new project is started in the house, puppies are mentioned every third breathe (just joking but clearly not) and we can’t sell cos the market, new govt and endless excuses

It strikes me that your list of things you want is all achievable whether or not you are partnered up/ married!
If you have an adult child you must be what? Somewhere in your 50s? That suggests to
me that you have given marriage a good try twice and (presumably!) you would say that your child was a good thing to come out of one of the marriages. There is nothing to be embarrassed about in getting on with your life the way you want it to be. If you do separate and divorce, look upon it not as a failure but as an exciting new chapter!

@Garlictest

I will read your message again tomorrow in the cold light of day. I don’t like it but I think you may be very astute in your comment

Does your husband know how serious the situation is OP? I know you have said that you have raised it with him, I wonder if he realises that your marriage is on the line if he doesn’t listen to your needs.

That said, agree with PP who agree with you questioning how you ended up in this position - he had dogs and
presumably a life in the country before you moved in and got married… we can all get carried away in the early stages of a relationship of course.

He doesn’t sound like a bad man, and I wondered whether you do want to actually leave him or find a solution and work on the relationship - as others have said, if a place in town is an option so you can have the life you want some of the time as well as the life you have built together - would that be something that would make you happy?

It sounds from some of your posts as though you have already checked-out of the relationship - if this is the case and it is really over then yes, some therapy to look at the reasons you keep on choosing these relationships that ultimately do not fulfil you would be worthwhile. Worth also saying that sometimes it can take time to find the right therapist, so don’t be discouraged if the first one or two aren’t the right “fit”.

He is not a bad man but he doesn’t want to listen and I don’t know how you communicate with someone who does not want to hear.

Im sure he’ll be shocked and upset - I believe he loves me but not enough to change because despite what he said in the beginning, he doesn’t want to

I’m just so pissed off with myself for ending up back here again. I have all the advantages… good career, house, savings, friends - I am happy single but I just somehow get swept along and end up making stupid decisions an idiot can see are wrong

Don’t beat yourself up. First step is realising there is a pattern, you can do something about it now. You are the driver in your life, not a passenger. We all only get one shot, so many people stay in unhappy situations for many years. It sounds as though you have the financial freedom to have lots of options open to you, that is worth a great deal.

@Clarinet1
thank you - I should look at it that way but I am embarrassed. It feels like two failures and I don’t want ti make them same mistake again

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