Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

[Zipidydodah]

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

Can’t you just start to try to live your life more on your terms and see if he bends to accommodate it before throwing in the towel?
It sounds like you’re wealthy enough to be able to book a hotel in the city every other week and go to the theatre and gigs etc. Book yourself city breaks and ask him if he’d like to come along, if not, go alone.
You might find that this is the compromise that makes your marriage work.

I feel sorry for your husband. I would love to live in the country with dogs and someone else doing the admin and cooking! Horses for courses, but maybe you’re not appreciating what you have and doing enough alone. You don’t need to look to him for everything.

That's what I was going to suggest. It doesn't have to be all or nothing does it?

You sound very black and white in your thinking; he can't give me all the life I want to I have to leave rather than we could do some parts of our life separately.

Similarly black and white about his motivation. You're saying he lied to you and strung you along rather than, quite possibly, he realised that what he wants has changed. People do want different things out of life as they get older. Doesn't mean he was lying to you earlier.

Sounds like you are divorcing mr Darcy

guess he’s not for everyone 😉

but is the lifestyle thing really so bad you would rather live without him? In that case you probably do not love him not feel a deep connection? You say you feel embarrassed, don’t’t be. But do you not feel sadness at leaving him? In that case he was never right for you anyway s as you don’t’t love eachother? Could that be right?

Well to be fair he does sound lovely. Just not compatible with you.
What happens if you just do things your way? Just tell him you are going to see an exhibition on Saturday and would he like to join you. No? Ok. Just go yourself.

How does the conversation between you go. Is he hostile? Do you do things you want to do or just do what he wants?

Not quite the same as the OPs situation

But she knew he had dogs and she knew where he lived. I'm wondering if it's not so much that the men lied about what they wanted but more that the OP 'heard' what she wanted. It's not like they hid their lifestyle from her.

This is why therapy can help. Figure out why the app is not seeing the obvious when it's right in front of her and choosing to think something completely different

In all honesty I think in your shoes I would try to build the life you want on your own and put dating to the side for the foreseeable after your divorce.

As much as he's not compatible with you and what you want, from what you have said your stbx does sound like he has his shit together which sadly I do think is harder to find in a partner the older you get, especially with OLD. Although this life is not for you it would 100% suit some people.

It's easier to have your own shit together, be happy and then be really picky about who you want to be with so you can't repeat your past.

I have no idea why anyone is suggesting you need therapy. You have clearly worked things out for yourself and are now acting on that. So few people actually get to that point. Unless you are very fortunate no therapist is likely to help you think or see or understand things any more than you already do. So don't waste money on therapy is my advice.
From what you have said the only reason you made the second mistake was Covid......and Covid changed everything for everybody, not for the better. So don't blame yourself too much. Good luck for the future.

I can recommend being single. Do the work on yourself and really work out what you want and where your boundaries are. Know your worth. If you value yourself, it's easy to not allow other people to push you around. I learnt this the hard way.

Why don't you try the six week planner?
Why not clearly block in your own life needs?
Mark in weekends away every second weekend (therefore the dogs get booked into dog care or sitters every second weekend, except for the odd times your spouse stays home.)
Try it.
Also try saying YES every second time to walking in the countryside... and planning what you will do on your own every other time he is out walking.
Why is your happiness tied so tightly to your husband?
Why not visit places you want to explore every second week end?

Before you split up, try rearranging your marrital life to something that caters for your own needs at least half the time.

I'm another one who doesn't understand why you married a man with dogs and a big country house if you wanted a life that was the total opposite of that

Did you maybe, subconsciously; think that going along with what he wanted would make him happy, and therefore more willing to do what you wanted down the line?

I agree there's no point in blaming yourself but absolutely disagree about therapy being inappropriate.

You have recognised that there is an issue but don't as yet have a full understanding of what has been driving your behaviour and why there is an unhelpful pattern of behaviour. And you don't as yet have a solution that you are confident in for the future. That sounds to me like someone who would benefit hugely from some personal therapy. It's an investment in yourself and in your emotional health and development. The solution is probably not one you can think yourself through OP with a bit of help from mumsnet, it's complicated and it's emotions and past programming that are driving your decision making.

TBH I don't really understand why you are doing everything together and waiting for him. Can you not use your leave how you want to? Book weekends in towns to see the theatre with friends or go on trips abroad with them? Is there just an expectation that you have to use your leave together and do everything together? Can you have groups of friends and families to come for the weekend? Can you take over booking the holidays and make them more fun? I would outsource the garden and the house to a cleaner and a gardener if I had the money - a gardener is on my (never going to happen) wish list.
I have to be honest and say you live quite a nice life compared to some people even if its not the one you want.

You sound like hard work.

He didn't necessarily lie to you. If you both fell in love then you're both guilty of getting married while not really accepting the truth. You want him to change and he wants you to change, only his is the life you ended up with by accident because you moved in with him.

I don't think you're unreasonable to leave if you are truly unhappy, but you do sound quite blunt about it all. Do you actually and did you ever love him?

I think you're in a great position in some ways because you have the money and clear mindedness to go get the life you want.
Thousands and millions of people don't.

I'm living a life I didn't really want, in a place I didn't really want. Life throws compromsies at people. (Child with Sen, chronic illness etc). I had an abusive marriage and was just bashed around by his chaos and now ended up stuck in a place I didn't ever want to live in and I'm not even with him. Children make it complicated.

So yes, you can leave and find more of the things you enjoy and maybe you'll be happier single.

I do think it might be helpful to go and explore some relationship counselling before you just up and leave. Might be helpful?

You think you have a strong idea of what you want but I wonder if actually you are a people pleaser.

Therapy and lots of it, to learn what you really want and need and to learn to love that part of yourself that thinks another person needs to solve everything for you. Good luck.

Sounds like neither of you can do anything independently.
Book your own adventure holiday / change your hours / separate your savings / drive yourself to the city for a night out.
You might appreciate him when you get back.

But if he insists you are the little woman happily waiting by the garden gate for his return / well that won’t work -can he accept change?

OP at least you have realised that you are just repeating the same pattern with the same negative results.

I think you should spend time building the life you want by yourself. You can choose where you want to live and the type of lifestyle you want to have. No need to wait for a man to give you that.

Also It seems to me like you are going for the 'perfect/dream man' (handsome, wealthy, driven...) but ultimately non compatible in day to day life and with different values.

A regular but compatible guy might be less 'perfect' on paper but would probably be a better fit so maybe give other men a chance rather than going for a Prince Charming fantasy.

Your update at 22:23 and the OP are so different.
Stop this magnified Blame flagellation. You have some reasonable reasons to be critical.
Find someone to talk it all through as you have in that update. Then you will be prepared to meet a therapist.

You don't need to be embarrassed, sometimes things don't work out.
However it sounds like you have got married because it felt like the right thing to do. Be happy by yourself, do all the things you enjoy doing and if you do meet another man who sweeps you off your feet, go slow. Live apart. Don't feel the pressure to marry.

@sunsetsandboardwalks

Did you maybe, subconsciously; think that going along with what he wanted would make him happy, and therefore more willing to do what you wanted down the line?

Probably and I think I do that a lot ….i think if I give then they will give back

To those asking if I ever loved DH - yes I did and do but I feel like he’s lied to get me and now I’m just expected to be happy because why not? That’s what happens when I try to discuss it with him. From his pov, we live in a beautiful house, lovely area, he more than pulls his weight domestically etc etc so I’m made to feel
like the bad guy. Meanwhile I literally feel I’m wasting my life

I’ve tried doing it without him …. and he never tries to stop it but he then just does sad face and absolutely doesn’t understand as “he would never want to do anything without me”

I still have my house … I could never quite bring myself to sell but I can’t ask my tenant to leave - it wouldn’t be fair. They signed a year lease so I need to honour that and find alternative till the year is up.

The thought of splitting up is hideous though and I know I’m just going to have how wonderful he is thrown at me

I am with you OP. I wouldn’t like that lifestyle either. You know what you want; just divorce and move on; live the life you want and go and travel the world.

How old are you? Are you financially independent?

You've told yourself he lied to make yourself the victim so you dont have to take any responsibility for wanting to leave.

Look into Transactional Analysis therapy. It could be life changing for you if you are willing to accept you may not always need to be in the Victim role.

@Ghilliegums

“you are a people pleaser.”

Yes definitely but only men I am dating. Need to figure out why