Ffs - why did I do it! Second marriage about to fail and it’s my fault

[Zipidydodah]

Can’t believe it. About to walk away from my second marriage. Embarrassed and mad at myself for doing the same damn thing twice.

First husband - gorgeous, intelligent guy and a real
go-getter. Apparently ‘adored’ me but scratch the surface and he didn’t. We did what he wanted, lived life on his terms and he just used to ignore me when I said I wasn’t happy about certain aspects and wanted a change or compromise. I had a great career, lovely house, great holidays, fun lifestyle by his (& many others) thinking and so I just buried it for a while and he thought I was happy. One day, I literally packed up and left. He was amazed, devastated and couldn’t believe I wasn’t coming back.

Then I met Mr Nice guy - perfect. What he wants and what I want matched perfectly. The nicest guy but I decided he wasn’t sexy enough, not edgey enough so I left. STUPID ME. I feel like a walking cliche

Then got swept up by STBXH. Gorgeous, sexy. Clever go -getter (see the pattern). Got talked into marriage and here I am again ….. everything has to be his way. But when we met I told him what I wanted, the sort of lifestyle I want to lead and even told him how and why my marriage broke up and he said he said he wanted the same things as me. But he doesn’t, our life is what he wants and he just can not see when I say I’m not happy or don’t want something he does. He just puts his head in the sand. I’m going to end up leaving again. A second failed marriage (only one grown up child from first marriage so at least that’s better) but I’m devastated.

How do I not make the same mistake again? And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why??? Just be honest and say “I don’t want that” rather than pretending you do and then being absolutely surprised when the partner leaves. Gutted. Sigh

Lots of people think they want something until the reality of it is staring them in the face. I'm not sure that means it's a lie.

It sounds like a perfect life - hand over the day job, sell the house, travel the world, but in a bit, once we're ready. And then it gets closer and the dog is still alive and the housing market is shit and the world feels that bit less stable and it's, ok maybe in a bit. Maybe in a bit. It still sounds perfect but I'm just not ready YET!

But you've clearly decided the guy lied to trap you on purpose because he doesn't love you enough, so the marriage is over surely. You can't like him or trust him very much to think that, so it's only your shame keeping you there.

Personally I'd drop to four days and book some trips away, take control of your share holiday (maybe organise one each) but also holiday with friends or alone

I agree. Have this life in your small house on your own. I agree seeing a therapist might be a good idea. You seem discontent with everything . A therapist should help you to see why you're not happy and help you see a way forward.

@Zipidydodah i think having a therapist is good anyway but if money isn’t a huge issues just start putting in boundaries now.

1. drop to 4 days a week.
2. dont take on chores/gardening at the weekends each weekend.
3. every other week go on a town mini break somewhere / theatre or whatever you want.
4. book your annual leave around your wants. Invite husband but go anyway if he declines or says dog is a tie.
5. consider short term rentals /air b and b in towns you’ve wanted to explore. WFH there in the internet and head out by night.

dont wait for this person to want to create this life. Create the life, show him what you want and hopefully he will compromise. If not you’ve shown yourself you can do it alone.

also just coz you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t rent a house somewhere and live there to go to theatre/concerts.

your actions aren’t matching your words so he’s not taking you seriously. Put a boundary in about the puppy and get some estate agents to value the house if you both own it. Let us know how you get on. You’re not a failure- the measure of success most definitely is NOT whether you have a man or not!

"Wants to cook dinner every night and stay in. Loves the country life with dogs and endless frigging walking. And of course everyone thinks he’s wonderful ….. cooks, cleans, does all life admin, earns well etc"

I'll have him.

I think you need to stay single op and work on your self.
You come across as you dont know what you want.
Divorce re-marry moan about him divorce re-marry then moan about him whos next.
Ive been single years and love it never married never saw the point tbh.

Someone who is happy in the country living in a rural setting with dogs is never really going to change to become someone happy living an urban life.

It sounds as if you got married hoping he would change, and he got married hoping you would change. But people rarely change especially as they get older.

You don't sound compatible. You for wanting him to live his preferred life for a set period of time and then completely change to a different style of life. Him for agreeing to your request in the first place when realistically he knew your vision of a future life was not for him.

But why as a team have you agreed to the next stage of this new project on the house? Surely this is a joint decision with joint agreement.

I think you are omitting a few details. Your main problem is that he is not that much into you to give up the lifestyle that he likes.
He knows that his lifestyle, go-getter style, assets will be attractive to quite few women, so what's really on offer for you is either to embrace the lifestyle and stop complaining, or leave. I bet there is a certain degree of tension and unhappiness at home from both sides, he is annoyed, you are annoyed. It is not the happy loving couple living happily together that you want to portray.

You are also trying to portray it as 'oh look how lucky I am blessed with all these very successful men around me, marrying me, it's just me having a small problem desiring a bit different lifestyle, on top of what I've already got.'

I’ve tried doing it without him …. and he never tries to stop it but he then just does sad face and absolutely doesn’t understand as “he would never want to do anything without me”

@Zipidydodah So what happens then? Do you carry on doing whatever it is you want to do or does his "sad face" effectively manipulate you into staying at home and doing what he wants?

I would say ignore the sad face and go and do your own thing. Or say, " I don't want to go to the theatre/whatever on my own. But I want to go to the theatre and if you won't come with me I'm go on my own. Are you coming or not?"

And keep on doing things you want to do. See how it goes for a few weeks/months.

"And why do some men think that they will change your mind or you will change when you are a grown fucking adult? Why???"

Well, the exact same reason that you thought he would change. Wishful thinking? Absorbing the Hollywood message that he/she will change if you are "good" enough?

At least you know now that marrying someone in the hope they will eventually become a different person is not going to work. Hopefully he does too.

It sounds like you're still chasing the "spark" (read: the anxiety of a rollercoaster relationship that never really feels stable) rather than long-term compatibility.

I think you are being ridiculous TBH.

he didn’t expect the dogs to go just yet (one has sadly died at a ripe old age) and the other is not going to be around too much longer - both have exceed the life expectancy for their breed so it’s bollocks.

So after the dogs have died and the house is finished is he happy to move on to do things you want to do or not? You seem to be annoyed at the timeframe of things rather than the end result. It's not his fault his dogs have lived longer than he expected(this says at lot about you by the way), or that covid happened, and that everything that has been happening (and still is) across the world for the last 4 years has had a massive impact on industry/business.

Do you really think he has tried to trap you or do you think that sometimes 'shit happens' and we can't predict the future.. or could it be a bit of both? Calling him an outright liar is quite extreme, and you sound like you won't be happy whatever you get to be honest, because happiness and fulfilment ultimately has to come from you, it's not a tick box of 'happiness requirements' which your husband is supposed to provide you with.

Yes. And she’s absolutely not obligated to stay and do what he wants with his life, rather than leave and do as she openly said she wanted with hers. Especially as he lied to her.

Leave, OP. Do not feel embarrassed.

Are you in love with him? This is the most important thing. It sounds like he is willing to move with you, but you're just getting impatient at the time frame. True love is very hard to find, so I would be wary of throwing out the baby with the bath water.

You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing 50's? Living in an apartment, near to galleries and bars, will soon lose it's appeal once you've done them all, you see that most of the people in the pubs are young enough to be your kid, you have no one to go to dinner with, no romance, no sex, no one to travel with, etc etc.

Me and DH have moved together, to be closer to his work (I wfh). We are a team. If one of us really wanted to move, we would go together. No amount of city living will replace someone that you love.

Someone who is happy in the country living in a rural setting with dogs is never really going to change to become someone happy living an urban life.

Exactly this.

He may have come up with a load of waffle about wanting to sell and move, but realistically a person whose life revolves around their dogs in a nice country house is never going to want to live in a small terrace in a busy, suburban street.

Of course he shouldn't have lied but I genuinely don't understand why anyone would marry someone whose life is the complete opposite of the one they want for themselves.

Just be single ?

Well I live life the way you want to, and I'm single.

No partner to answer to, and the main reason I'm single tbh.

I’ve tried doing it without him …. and he never tries to stop it but he then just does sad face and absolutely doesn’t understand as “he would never want to do anything without me”
yes but he only wants to do what he enjoys.

he sounds like the type of man who moves on with a new partner 2months after being widowed.
my Dh wants me to always go with him. I have recently told him no way - they were all things I found boring - now am old enough to not spend time doing things I don’t love. Life’s too short.

Sounds like you are incompatible. I dated someone that lived in the city and went out every day/night to get coffee/eat, etc. And at first it sounded exciting, but over time it wore me down. I realize I'm more like you STBEX, I like the slow country life and only enjoy doing city/in town stuff occasionally, I don't care for it as a way of life. So the guy I dated got bored with me and cheated. Oddly a few years later he tried to come back around but I knew he wouldn't be happy living the life outside of the city, so I didn't try to reconnect with him. I know now to only date men that are more like me, with a maybe a touch of wanting to experience the city in him. 😀

Could you move out temporarily to a more exciting place? Rent a little place - even just during the week.

Speak your concerns and say you need some space to be yourself and think what to do.

Maybe that would galvanize him into action.

He may not be deliberately gaslighting you, it could just be a failure of imagination from him (like you say he's happy so he can't understand how you would not be).

It sounds like it's a simple as you say . They like the country and you don't .

It's never going to work if that's what they like .

Just marry a city man next time .

Apologies if you've already said it but have you done any work on yourself? Therapy wise?

Quite clearly you are not compatible.

Op you seem to have a habit of ignoring the signs that these men aren't really compatible with you early on
They are Go getters, successful etc so you fall for that and other types of compatibility are ignored or you expect them to change.
I love village life, my hens and my horses and cats.
What if my DH had come along expecting me to be a night clubber pulling all nighters he would never be for me --understatement.

It's totally unreasonable that you think your DH doesn't adore you, he lied, it's bollocks etc
The man he is was right in front of you.

It sounds like a lovebomb,devalue, discard on your part

I’m a bit astonished that you actually got married to this man, because you seem quite lightly attached to him, talking about divorce because you don’t want to live in the country…Which is completely fine of course, if that’s what you want, but it feels like you’ve skipped several stages of compromise or mutually trying out other options.

There’s also more than a whiff of ‘I was or am a prize to be won and he deceived me to win me over’. You were a grown woman, not a 19th century ingenue listening to a suitor describe what he could offer for your hand!

I think that men, perhaps more so than women, show their hands quite clearly, whether they’re quite young or in midlife. Look at what they actually spend their time doing, rather than what they say. That is the biggest clue to their future.

I married someone who is an alpha male go-getter. I’m a bit more literary and artistic in my interests. He occasionally likes watching and discussing films or visiting galleries, just as I occasionally like watching motorsport, but I would be kidding myself if I thought that he might take up creative writing or watercolour painting. Because it’s just not him…

Where are you meeting these string of so called hunks, that's what I want to know?!

Tbh I find that I meet people that I think have potential rarely, then, their personalities... don't.
So I lose interest. It sounds like you're just finding out too slow.

Never tell people early on exactly what you want. Men often lie and say whatever just because they want you.

Tbh...the more I've met people, the more I've realised how rare it is to find a gem. Someone who's personality is genuinely good. That's without everything else fitting too. Mutual attraction, life desires matching up etc...

It sounds like you're in love with the idea of love. But these people, regardless of how they looked on paper, were not for you .

I won't tell you you'll find one that is, as I believe mist people never do. They settle. And hate themselves for it more often than not.

At least you have the balls to admit when you've made a mistake and act to rectify it. That's what's life is about really isn't it? Seizing opportunities to learn and grow. Sometimes it takes a few lessons.

If you’re not on the same page about dogs the marriage is doomed. Sorry.