I enjoyed my ex at a size 10/12.....ick

[helenabeesky]

Been talking to a guy that I actively went to school with. Been chatting on and off for a few weeks.

My divorce has come though and he is almost divorced. Live in the same village so we do sort of know each other.

Anyway we were chatting the other night and I told him how much weight I had lost since my divorce began, joking that I call it the 'divorce diet'. He said he's also lost weight recently (which he has).

He then asked me what size I was in clothes and what size I am now. He said I didn't have to tell him - he was just making conversation.

I didn't mind really, I told him I'm an 8/10 now and used to be a 12/14. He congratulated me on my weight loss and then said this

'I enjoyed my ex when she was a 10/12'

Instant ick.

Would anyone else feel the same?

There was something else he said which put me off but I'm just wondering if this comment alone would put you off?

many mumsnetters on here should have the username Pinocchio because they sure as heck would choose a partner based at least partly on looks and weight.

It's fine to choose a partner based on your preferences for looks and weight.

It's not fine to objectify and manipuate past and potential future partners.

HTH.

But OP was the one who mentioned her ex and weight/size first though. It didn't come out of nowhere from him. Perhaps OP is a red flag too and they both dodged a bullet?

I think referring to size 10-12 as 'getting a bit porky again' is offensive. Maybe he was trying to make OP feel better by saying that size is fine too, just phrased it badly? Maybe he genuinely likes 'porky' women but used the wrong word?

The issue here is the word choice not his intention as we can't tell.

So tempted to reply something like 'Oh, I enjoy my men like I enjoy my coffee: dark, hot, and rich', but it's not the 70s so will keep that inside my head.

🤣🤣🤣

Yea! Or a burger or a really good film. Or a really satisfying sneeze

I absolutely agree that we all have a preference. And to be honest, he isn't mine 😂😂 But I know from experience that I can become attracted to someone through their personality and because I sort of know him anyway and he's local, I thought it was worth a shot. It wasn't.

It's the word 'enjoyed'.

My weight is up and down. Right now I'm the smallest I've been in a long time but I could easily pile it back on if I'm not careful. I doubt he would 'enjoy' me if I did.

He's not over his wife 100%. I'd be interested who he ends up with though. If he does.

@helenabeesky

what do you mean you actively went to school with him?

How else do you go to school with someone??

I think you stirred up the pot bragging about your weight loss, why would you even do that. So then he was honest with you & told you his preference & everyone's losing their shit over him saying enjoyed rather than preferred. 🤷🏻‍♀️

No I've already explained this. We were talking about food and then healthy eating. He told me about his weight loss and how he goes to the gym. There was absolutely nothing flirtatious in the message from me. He's also going through a divorce so as we were talking about dieting and healthy eating I said I do the 'divorce diet and it works wonders'

The use of the word enjoyed would put me off but then again I hate it when people say 'enjoy your new baby'. People are not something that can be enjoyed. It really makes me cringe for some reason

*actually

Well it's a strange and slightly icky choice of wording but perhaps he was just trying to let you know that if you put the wright back on it wouldn't matter to him and he's not one of those men who obsesses over a woman needing to 'keep in shape' and stay at a size 8.

No, 'YOU' can't tell but several commented on here who thank God do get that his comment was offensive and objectifying.
You also misread the sarcasm in my comment so there is a pattern there. Noway do I believe size 12 or 14 as porky and I wouldn't actually use it about any woman. You're too literal and matter of a fact to understand nuances.

Yup.

@northernlight20

HeySummerWhereAreYou
Yeah I'm a bit baffled too. 😆

Bad wording I guess, but surely he was just saying he likes his women slimmer. So what?

your comment explains a lot about the absolute horrific men that women call 'great husbands and dads' on here if you are baffled by this.

_

Ain't that the truth!!!

At this point in the thread, people saying his comment was fine are just deliberately choosing to be obtuse because it's been explained very plainly why his comment was a red flag. All the best op x

@free79 Thanks for all that. I'm autistic. I take what you say as what you mean. I write what I mean too.i still understand critical thinking and nuance when they're actually present.

I also said the the word choice was an off putting one in my earlier post. I still stand by my opinion that insinuating what his intentions and stating it as fact is rubbish though. It can be your opinion but no, you can't tell for sure as I've already said and other pp also did.

Strange.

He's allowed to prefer enjoying someone the size of his ex.

But op (and posters who agree) are grilled on why they prefer someone to not talk like a bell end.

Huh.

See, maybe I'm weird, but could he have meant that she was easier to live with when she wasn't obsessing over tiny portions of food etc.? (I have family members like this and eating out/ family meals/ Christmas etc. are very depressing.)
Was she generally smaller than size 10-12?
You said you'd just been discussing food?
Whatever, it was very clumsy, but if he's generally good I would proceed (but with caution).

Usually if something makes you think 'I don't like that they said or did this thing...but maybe I'm overthinking', you are not overthinking. We have instincts for a reason.

Our gut picks up on stuff, but we've been told to ignore it for years, in order to 'be nice'.

Fuck that when it comes to dating. Trust the twinges.

Enjoyed her 😂🤢

Enjoyed her?

Grim.

I think it’s weird you’re talking to a new guy about your weight at all. Why? What did you expect him to say? Then again I’m not a texter really so would often just not reply to such rambles.

Not in the east London area by any chance are you? This sounds a lot like a man I know and dated for six months…. 😂

But on another note, yeah get rid! I often find comments like that made casually are a sign of more to come.

It wouldn't have bothered me so much..both my partner and I preferred each other at a certain weight. Its preference..we all have them
.

Can you just let him know you feel more of a friendship connection so it doesn't feel awkward?

It's not about feeling outraged. It's a yucky turn of phrase but for me, I simply don't want to hear about a date 'enjoying' his ex or any other women as this pertains to sex. I find it it very gauche that he would bring this up. Perfectly fine with a partner having a sexual or romantic past (similarly noticing occasional other attractive women out and about), I just value maturity and discretion regarding these things, not bringing them to my attention. That's my take.