I enjoyed my ex at a size 10/12.....ick

[helenabeesky]

Been talking to a guy that I actively went to school with. Been chatting on and off for a few weeks.

My divorce has come though and he is almost divorced. Live in the same village so we do sort of know each other.

Anyway we were chatting the other night and I told him how much weight I had lost since my divorce began, joking that I call it the 'divorce diet'. He said he's also lost weight recently (which he has).

He then asked me what size I was in clothes and what size I am now. He said I didn't have to tell him - he was just making conversation.

I didn't mind really, I told him I'm an 8/10 now and used to be a 12/14. He congratulated me on my weight loss and then said this

'I enjoyed my ex when she was a 10/12'

Instant ick.

Would anyone else feel the same?

There was something else he said which put me off but I'm just wondering if this comment alone would put you off?

Full on commodification and objectification of women in one sentence. Sees them only in terms of size and how he can use them.

This is what I was struggling with as I do know he is a nice guy. I remember him from school and we have mutual friends who speak very highly of him. There are a fair few green flags with him.

But for me, I just have to leave it there. I was in an abusive marriage and if I find anything off putting, I just have to listen to my gut and not go any further.

It also means I'll never probably be single forever but hey ho.

I hope you replied with:

”I’m so glad you’ve brought this up! I hate the ‘size doesn’t matter’ bullshit! As we’re talking numbers, I enjoyed my ex at 10 inches with a 4.5 inch girth.”

Not only is it dehumanising and objectifying his ex, it's also subtly negging you and designed to make you question your worth in relation to her.

Gross and manipulative. It would be a no from me too.

The true turn off for me is not what he said (he is entitled to his pathetic inner world) but that he is stupid enough to verbalise it to OP.

Eek would all put me off!

You would honestly say to a friend that you're not enjoying him as much now?

If you don't get why it's weird then I just don't think anyone can explain it to you. Words are important and it just suggests a whole load of attitudes that I would find offputting.

I was just thinking that my dh wouldn't have a clue what dress size I am.
It wouldn't enter his mind. He just thinks I am The Right Size. 😂

Everything else asside it would set off my narc alarm.

Could be the beginnings of narcissistic triangulation. Where they try to make you feel 'not enough' for them, often by mentioning another woman in comparison.

Oh I’d run for the hills he sounds vile

Was he saying she was really slim (to me that's like size 4uk to 8uk) and then that he liked her when she put on a bit of weight to 10-12uk?

That's even worse because he is doing the, it's ok if you get a bit porky again I like a bit of meat but not too much mind! just don't get bigger than a 12 dress size OR I WON'T ENJOY ANYMORE!! 👺👹💩🙄

The thing is though that people can be lovely friends but terrible partners. But I do find that men who are a little bit 'off' eventually do something that crosses the line, even as friends.

Trust your gut. Whenever I have ignored it it hasn't ended well.

There's nothing wrong with what he said. The fact that you broadcasted it on mums net to imply that he is some kind of sexual deviant because he enjoyed his wife at a certain size is just nasty. If I were him I'd dump you asap.

Personally I couldn't be doing with immaturity from a man old enough to be an almost-divorcee. Some of what he has said about his STBXW has crossed a line into inappropriateness - and this when he is (presumably) trying to make a good impression on you. I would treat all of this as an early warning sign too.

😂

I honestly don't understand why all the anger towards him. Surely he was stating a preference, I have my preference in men. Men have preferences and I know my body shape isn't to everymans liking but then different shapes aren't to my liking.

It's fair enough to say I like guys 6ft to 6ft4 best or I prefer slim women 6-12uk or something to this effect but his comment is a red flag because

• He referred to his ex's body unnecessarily which suggests he hasn't moved on
• He used 'enjoy' about her body which is 1. gross imagery 2. sleazy 3. objectifying 4. manipulative to pressure op to stay slim and tries to create a competition 5. he is trying to make op insecure and jealous
• Even if he isn't harmful (doubt it) and purely thoughtless and immature, it's not op's job to make him grow up

The reader must know that there are men on MN with a chip on their shoulder about overweight women wanting tall men or just women in general wanting 6ft+ so they always come on these threads with this agenda. We all know and agree it's fine to have preferences, this isn't the problem with op's comment and they know it just want to shoehorn their agenda into every dating and relationship thread.

And some people might not speak English very well so they don't get the nuances of using 'enjoy'.

My point is, OP listen to your gut feeling on this guy for he is a knob.

I don't see any issue with him expressing a preference in a particular body shape... don't we all have such preferences?

I personally even prefer myself at a slimmer shape too... don't often have it.

Well at least you know he will only enjoy you at that size no bigger. Sounds very shallow.

That’s what went through my mind too.

I wouldn’t use that phrase to anyone.
And I wasn’t asking you to explain why it’s weird.
As for attitudes many mumsnetters on here should have the username Pinocchio because they sure as heck would choose a partner based at least partly on looks and weight.

I was answering the question put to another pp ‘do you only enjoy him at a specific weight?’
My answer was I would love my dh at any weight but enjoy him more when slimmer.

Euwww no. Ick City off Ick highway in Ickland. Nope the fuck out of that.

Poor bloke isn’t ready. Just drop him and move on

Enjoy makes her sound like a pie

@helenabeesky apart from the obvious objectifying of his ex partner and having specific size parameters for her, if you were talking with a view to a romantic connection, mentioning an ex would be a bit of a red flag 🚩