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Original poster

fed up with my partner using my house as his base

571 replies

amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:04

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

OP posts:
FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 04/09/2024 09:06

Gosh I'm not sure I'd even give him six months to be honest!

Howdull · 04/09/2024 09:09

Apart from his family visiting you in your home it sounds like a nice set up.

Can't you just dial down the family visits and the number of times he stays over?

Overbearingndn · 04/09/2024 09:09

I would stop his family visiting. Just say that your children need privacy and don't want strangers in the house. Make it clear you'd like him to get his own place as coming to yours all the time isn't convenient. Then finish with him if he doesn't.

carrotcard · 04/09/2024 09:11

Ltb. He's using you

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2024 09:13

Perpetual children are just that. You’ve already got some actual children, you need an adult relationship.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2024 09:14

So you’ve discussed it and he dismisses you?

Have you made it explicitly clear that you won’t be moving in together for X years, if ever?

OhDearMuriel · 04/09/2024 09:14

If you've got a good thing going apart from this, dial it down as @Howdull says.

When we're knackered (and understandably you definitely are), we make things into a much bigger problem because we can't see the wood for the trees.

SPEAK TO HIM.

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:16

Thanks guys no holds barred!
it does feel confusing, like being used but also feel like I’m being selfish, I guess I’m just not very good at boundaries.
i have already planned to dial down the staying over times and with new term starting is perfect time to put boundaries in place ref the family visits.
i feel like a heel ref them as their own mum is not in the picture, his ex wife is not their mother and i have become a kind of matriarchal figure and support and confidante in our wider sort of family context and this is my fault for allowing it all to creep up and overwhelm me

OP posts:
Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:19

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2024 09:14

So you’ve discussed it and he dismisses you?

Have you made it explicitly clear that you won’t be moving in together for X years, if ever?

Yes I have and I think that’s part of the reason he’s happy to stay where he is, he’s saving a fortune and he’s got regular fun company for the times he’s not with me.
we both have active social lives too, together and independently so it’s not as though we’re together 24/7 but it’s more of a strain for me to pursue my activities with a light heart as feel I’m always behind / chasing my tail

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 04/09/2024 09:19

Never a man more in love than one who needs an address. Ltb op.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 04/09/2024 09:20

He's moved in by stealth already - that's why you feel uncomfortable! You need to sit down and talk about what your boundaries are. If he's earning good money why on earth isn't he renting a place on his own and drive to work?

amoreoamicizia · 04/09/2024 09:21

I don't know, I can absolutely see both sides on this. It seems to just be the inevitable consequence of the housing and rental situation, which tbf you have acknowledged.

I find it a bit unusual that you still think of your house as yours only when you must have been with your partner for at least a year, as you mention he's been renting for a year (I might have missed how long you've been together).

After a year or a few years together surely you share your home with your partner as a natural progression? If there was no intention to ever share a home together, I suppose that needed to be made clear from the start as I think it's what most people expect. So perhaps it comes down to communication.

I mean, I was asked to move in with my last partner after a couple of months (yes, maybe that was fast). I didn't see myself as using him, it just felt natural.

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:21

OhDearMuriel · 04/09/2024 09:14

If you've got a good thing going apart from this, dial it down as @Howdull says.

When we're knackered (and understandably you definitely are), we make things into a much bigger problem because we can't see the wood for the trees.

SPEAK TO HIM.

I speak to him about this on a regular basis hence the odd hotel weekends and recent promise (at the weekend) to take action .
i haven’t told him my six month plan yet as i wanted to talk about it away from him first.
i am mindful of his work pressure but my knackered brain and body is making my work unnecessarily hard and is detracting from my parenting

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/09/2024 09:24

Spenditlikebeckham · 04/09/2024 09:19

Never a man more in love than one who needs an address. Ltb op.

Never a truer word spoken…

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:26

amoreoamicizia · 04/09/2024 09:21

I don't know, I can absolutely see both sides on this. It seems to just be the inevitable consequence of the housing and rental situation, which tbf you have acknowledged.

I find it a bit unusual that you still think of your house as yours only when you must have been with your partner for at least a year, as you mention he's been renting for a year (I might have missed how long you've been together).

After a year or a few years together surely you share your home with your partner as a natural progression? If there was no intention to ever share a home together, I suppose that needed to be made clear from the start as I think it's what most people expect. So perhaps it comes down to communication.

I mean, I was asked to move in with my last partner after a couple of months (yes, maybe that was fast). I didn't see myself as using him, it just felt natural.

Edited

Possibly a natural progression before I had children but I am not ready to move a man in with my kids yet and I’m not sure two years is enough time to make that call .
his choice to rent, when he divorced he was in a position to buy, left it too long and the market changed , I don’t know what his actual financial situation is other than he’s a lump sum he’s not touching and he’s living well in my eyes.
I’m protecting my own assets right now and I believe that to be the right decision , he is compartmentalising his life to suit him and not partnering me in any way that would make me want to suddenly bring him in permanently to our home

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/09/2024 09:28

I think then you have to tell him you want to see him less frequently.

Isn’t this the crux of it - you want more alone time? If he had his own place you would still be chasing your tail if you spent the same amount of time together just 50% of it at his place.

Are you a bit jealous/frustrated that he doesn’t have the same adult responsibilities as you? (Whether that’s cleaning/chores or hosting/caring for family?)

amoreoamicizia · 04/09/2024 09:28

I see, that does shed more light on the situation. It's right to protect your children.

Has he spoken about you buying together at all after this situation ends? Or you all moving into a place he has bought?

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:32

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 04/09/2024 09:06

Gosh I'm not sure I'd even give him six months to be honest!

The six months is because of the housing shortage, but I’d expect to see some concrete movement plans in that time at least .

OP posts:
achipandachair · 04/09/2024 09:33

“I find it a bit unusual that you still think of your house as yours only”

well probably the OP thinks of it as hers because she paid / pays for it, maintains it, cleans it, decorated it, has legal title to it and lives full time in it. If anyone else thinks they have a claim to it I would think that “unusual”, with most possessions and the way out society and legal system regard ownership. Except, oh, he’s a man, so he’s entitled to bed board and housekeeping duties from the woman he “loves”, soz I forgot.

buttonsB4 · 04/09/2024 09:33

His "generous" weekends away etc only happen because you're saving him a shit-ton in rent, bills or mortgage, which he would have to pay if he wasn't using your facilities.

If he actually had to house himself adequately for his needs, including having family to visit etc, he wouldn't be able to live in a flat share.

But he has you, subsidising him.

You offer a home, a place for his relatives to visit and a lovely, clean, welcoming environment whilst a small amount of his money is being spent on something akin to student lodgings which you can't visit as it's too uncomfortable.

He came into the relationship offering X and now it's X minus his own place and space and taking up more of your time, bills and energy on things you'd rather not be doing (like hosting his family).

His worth has gone down. Yours has increased. You're no longer in the relationship you started out in.

achipandachair · 04/09/2024 09:34

I think you have to tell him to entertain his family at his place, that is a huge drain on your resource and headspace. If he says his place is not suitable, he’d better move.

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:35

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2024 09:28

I think then you have to tell him you want to see him less frequently.

Isn’t this the crux of it - you want more alone time? If he had his own place you would still be chasing your tail if you spent the same amount of time together just 50% of it at his place.

Are you a bit jealous/frustrated that he doesn’t have the same adult responsibilities as you? (Whether that’s cleaning/chores or hosting/caring for family?)

I have told him that I need more time for me and that it starts from now.
He does work hard so I don’t begrudge him his down time so it’s not what I’d call jealousy but maybe it’s becoming an unhealthy resentment.
and annoyance that he doesn’t have to host, clean up, deal with social battery drainage especially at the times when his family leave and he goes along with them at the end of the evening/ weekend
ive made it too comfortable for him and made myself uncomfortable in the process.

OP posts:
Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:36

achipandachair · 04/09/2024 09:33

“I find it a bit unusual that you still think of your house as yours only”

well probably the OP thinks of it as hers because she paid / pays for it, maintains it, cleans it, decorated it, has legal title to it and lives full time in it. If anyone else thinks they have a claim to it I would think that “unusual”, with most possessions and the way out society and legal system regard ownership. Except, oh, he’s a man, so he’s entitled to bed board and housekeeping duties from the woman he “loves”, soz I forgot.

This. Thank you

OP posts:
achipandachair · 04/09/2024 09:36

@buttonsB4 - yep - spot on

I think the OP should scale back to offering what he offers. So he can’t use her house except occasionally when visiting, as an individual.

Original poster
amedeusamadeus · 04/09/2024 09:37

achipandachair · 04/09/2024 09:34

I think you have to tell him to entertain his family at his place, that is a huge drain on your resource and headspace. If he says his place is not suitable, he’d better move.

Yep this is the stalemate I found myself at and where I’ve left him with the challenge to come back to me when he has a plan to make space for us all, however that may look. His initial suggestion was a shared calendar for us to ensure I have the time I need.
i vetoed that idea

OP posts:
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