fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

A PP suggested that he could rent a house for his family to meet at weekends, rather than taking you away for a weekend, which sounds like a good idea as a short term measure. I would say to him that he needs to rent or buy somewhere that is suitable for his family to stay and visit within 6 months or the relationship is over. Then I would cut down contact time until he has this sorted. He should soon show whether he is serious about the relationship.

He's using you OP. He knows exactly what he’s doing and playing dumb to keep things as they are because he’s the only one benefiting from this setup. Someone who truly cares about you would not be doing this.

What view do your DC take of all of this, OP?

I don’t like the idea that just because you WFH you are available, or perceived to be available, at other people’s whims. You have the right - I would say the need - to set your working hours, then hold to them and expect others to do the same (barring emergencies).

I must admit OP that when I read your first few lines I imagined you both as being in your 20’s. I was shocked to think that you are about my age and that he had grandchildren 😱.

I’m not sure that you can save this now, as the resentment has kicked in and he is ignoring your requests and trampling over your boundaries. I think you are a lovely person and you were being kind - but, as middle aged women the world over are learning, being kind means allowing men to walk all over you.

As a first step, no more visits of his family. I can’t believe he leaves with them and you have to clean up the mess - he would already be under my patio if he had done this to me.

I also think you need to remember that if you are overwhelmed, it will impact on your children and on your parenting- do you want to negatively impact them because your boyfriend won’t respect your boundaries?

How do your kids feel about him being present so often and his family etc also coming around a lot? Are they there often when this happens or with their dad etc?

Just sounds like it’s crept up as you say and you’re kind of blending already if he spends so much time at yours and his relatives?

"I speak to him about this on a regular basis"
and he does naff all
says it all really......

six months is WAY too long.

It's so easy to let this happen and so hard to reset it once it has. I have been in similar situations several times, although at different life stages so was not entertaining adult children and grand children. The trouble is, in a new relationship you love to share and to host and make someone feel comfortable and welcome, but then when they start treating the place like theirs, with no reciprocation, and expecting the same level as "service", how do you get out of it? you want to say: I did this for you not because it was effortless but because I wanted us to have a good time. Where is my good time? Or at least my down time!

Are you negating your own tiredness, stress and mental health while worrying about his and not hurting his feelings?

“especially at the times when his family leave and he goes along with them at the end of the evening/ weekend”

He needs to host at a restaurant then not your house and next time he or them leave with you left to clean up - you need to say something before they leave “oi the kitchen won’t clean itself- the cleaning fairy has resigned!”

You are absolutely correct to protect your (and your children’s future assets). I am another one who thinks you are being taken for a mug. I think 6 months is a very long time to give him. Has he even started looking?
I don’t think it is on for him to use your house as a base for his visiting children/ grandchildren and that should stop now. Does he even ask you or does he just invite them? If he just invites them he is not respecting you. I wonder how your children really feel about their house being invaded. Don’t be fooled by a weekend away. It doesn’t make up for lack of respect.

6 MONTHS! I’d be giving him 1 month- it’s not like he hasn’t had any warnings! And by your own admission, he’s spending frivolously rather than saving up to his full potential. That is not the behaviour of someone desperate to obtain independence, that is someone who is comfortable with their set up (one that everyone else seems to benefit from, apart from you).
You keep talking about not having your own time, but I think you need space, not time. Coming home from work to an empty house, exactly as you left it, is wonderful when you’re tired and need to relax. You don’t need time, just to have autonomy over your home. You’ve already said you’re not ready to move in together, but it seems like he’s ignored that and basically uses your home as a social hub for his family.
For me, the only way of fixing this is for him to acquire a rental house of his own. He can do this in a matter of days. They may be in short supply, but that really isn’t your problem, and at the moment he’s got no incentive to bother. I would start off this conversation by sending him a few links on right move and it gives you a way of bringing it up in person.

It doesn't take six months to stop using your home as a flop house. That's something that should stop immediately. You are saying six months because you can't deal with confrontation and being the "bad guy." You should be dumping his sorry arse.

The idea that he should host all of you at a restaurant sone of the time is excellent.

Also, given that he has DGC, are his DC earning well? I don’t necessarily think DC should reciprocate 50-50; they aren’t in the same stage of life and one doesn’t want to develop a bean counting mindset.

But they can certainly reciprocate once in a while. Have they ever invited you for supper? The specifics depend on tastes, of course, but eg spaghetti carbonara and a salad is cheap, cheerful and delicious. Adults should be doing this occasionally.

I echo what everyone has said but also - if you love this man and want to continue this relationship it’s even more important that you maintain the boundary and don’t allow the status quo to continue. Kicking the can down the road by giving him six months will only allow your resentment to build when he (inevitably) doesn’t take you seriously or move quickly enough for you and resentment is the ultimate relationship killer.

No reason why he shouldn't be visiting his children at their residence if he doesn't have suitable accommodation. Hosting his family and GC for a Sunday lunch should be a more bi-annual event for you if you get on well with them all.

Otherwise a restaurant and then it's up to you whether or not you attend but your kids aren't also forced to host people they are not remotely related to. You don't say what sort of age they are but sounds like they are all still at home. If older [late teens/20's] kids it also might be worth considering whether you are drained by the weekend because they are also not pulling their weight as adults in your home.

As for the BF - I guess consider what the pattern was before he sold up. How many nights/weekends did you go to him and vice versa. I'd consider reinstating that as a benchmark except you obviously can't/won't go to his place.

Yes, this has happened sometimes the dc are more thoughtful than their father ….they live in a different town which I probably should have said earlier, this is partly why I’ve become an easy central base.
in answer to Questions about my kids: I have no close family at all and have struggled a long time like this , I think we have all gratefully absorbed them into our lives and enjoyed the enrichment thereof but I know that I have let things slide over the summer and it has been taken away from mine and the kids time together.

He's acting like you're somehow living together. When you are dating someone and livign in your own places you agree when to meet up and when it isn't convenient. You don't have each others houses free to use whenever you want.

My kids are still at school. When he had his own place we were still much more in the dating phase so weren’t seeing each other as much but he definitely gravitated more to my house back then too but we had much more separate lives then.

Don't doubt your feelings, op.

Taking you out of the picture, as a solvent father and grandfather, this man should have considered how he can see his family. He should be sorting this out quickly.

You are being used.

It sounds as though that as an arrangement suited you better in hindsight and there's no reason why you can't see more of each other when it suits you unless he moves on to find someone else.
I would simply make myself more unavailable. "This weekend I am doing stuff with the kids, how about dinner at X on Wed night?" Long term he will find other accommodation solutions if that doesn't suit.

Acts to them like a host, acts to you like a guest… a PP summed it up perfectly.

Under no circumstances should you be the ‘convenient’ base. Convenient for them, not at all convenient for you!

If you saw his family once a month that would be a lot by most people’s standards. Your adult boyfriend’s children and grandchildren are not your burden to bear, however pleasant their company.

He needs to see them elsewhere, he needs to back the hell off and he needs to start accepting your boundaries NOW, not at some vague point in the future.

His living arrangements are down to him, OP.

He should only come over to yours when you want him to and you need to be firm that he cannot invite guests to yours. If you want to invite his family round once in a while, so be it, but otherwise your home, your guests so it's up to your invitation, not his.

It’s your home. Invite them when you want to. Make it clear to him that him and his family visiting are at your invitation, not his.

The buying expensive gifts and then saying he will change but then buying weekend breaks after you have spoken to him about your concerns is giving me red flags for controlling behaviour from him.

Something isnt sitting right for me with him earning good money and staying where he is either.

Does his behaviour seem to go on a cycle?

At the very least I would scale back this relationship to something you are comfortable with. With time for you in your home without him and his family.

I am going to be very blunt: I feel sorry for your children.

They did not ask for this. How do they truly feel about this home invasion? Because this is what it is.