fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

Sorry to hear what you've been through OP 💐
Just wanted to say your posts have been very eloquent and I've enjoyed reading them (but not your pain obviously). You are a kind and intelligent woman and the future will be bright!!

@amedeusamadeus we're all cheering for you because you realised something wasn't right & paused to reflect on the shore when so many of us would have dived in & only then to discover what exactly was in the water.

Every time your mind comes up with a negative thing about yourself say 'thanks for that' & replace it with an image of you in the wonder woman power pose.

I think you would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Just set some rules in place, you need X days a week to yourself. He asks before hosting at your place, he can go out for lunch with his family instead and you don't need to be involved at all, or the family can entertain him at their places. It seems like a very simple solution. Before ending a decent relationship over something that seems to have an easy solution of him eating out to entertain, take a look at some of the posts of what's on offer in the dating market.

@Skyrainlight
Read Op's updates, it's moved on quite a bit since that first post.

RTFT people. He’s been DUMPED!

If you're not happy with him being there and his family being there, surely there's little hope for the future of the relationship?

I can see where you're coming from.

He's not your live in partner, so it's not his home but he's acting as if it is - so, he's inviting his family over regularly. But he's not contributing to your home in other ways i.e. he's not paying rent or paying towards your mortgage or doing DIY or gardening or housework or whatever. In fact, he doesn't even help with the cleaning up when his own family has been visiting!

As I see it, you have three choices.

You can let him move in and then he will be actively (and financially) contributing to your home. But you're not ready to live with him yet and you're also taking it slow because you have your own DC to consider. Which is quite reasonable.

You can end things with him.

You can set very clear boundaries i.e. he can have his family over to visit once a month or once every two months or whatever you feel you can manage. If he protests that his living arrangements aren't suitable, then you tell him (nicely) that he will have to make changes so that they are. Why can't he visit them in their homes? What would he do if he wasn't in a relationship with you and didn't have your house to fall back on?

Please read the OP's posts. She has ended it!!

I’ve only just read this thread. So sorry you’ve been through this. You are amazing to have spotted this before he got himself fully moved in. You were totally right to assert your boundaries and needs and sorry that what you discovered is that he is not the person he presented himself to be. So hard to come to terms with that. I can really relate to that process of waking up to the fact that your own needs have been lost somehow.

You will be on such a rollercoaster ride of grief and self reflection. You will come out of it stronger and wiser, I have no doubt about that. You sound so strong and wise and it’s so hard to see the wood for the trees in these things. Whilst it’s a loss now, it sounds like this is absolutely the right thing and I’m the same, trust is essential and without it there is nothing. Hiding things is a dealbreaker for me.

I find myself thinking about the relationship you and your children have built with his children and grandchildren. There will be an extra layer of loss for you all there by the sounds of it. How are your children doing? Have they had any chance to say goodbye to him and his family? Once you are strong enough may be they could write to them if they are feeling the loss too? It can be really healing to that and honour those connections made, even if they were for a short period in their lives.

I am also connecting with his kids as an adult and parent who doesn’t have a mum I can depend on myself, the thought of having someone like you in my life would be so healing. I can imagine falling into that relationship so willingly and wholeheartedly. It’s such a gap when your mum isn’t around or can’t be a positive figure in your life. I hope that I’d be more careful about not impinging on you and your generosity of time, energy and warmth, but I can see that it might be hard to be self aware enough to notice, when someone is as warm and welcoming as you and you have that missing in your own life. I think the sudden ending of that relationship would be devastating to me.Of course, none of this is your fault, or your responsibility, but I’m just wondering if you’ve had any contact with them at all?

I’m not suggesting you have any responsibility to them, but I think just knowing that they mattered to you and you care about them, despite what he’s done, could be so healing for them. Could you be, or have you been, in touch with them? May be once you are feeling like you are through the worst of it and are feeling more resourced (you come first!!). Sorry, I know it’s all still so painful and raw and you are in the depths of it all, but I just wanted to add in their perspective as it resonated with me (as well as your battle to assert your own needs which strongly resonated - my mantra at the moment is ‘I matter too’ and ‘my self care first’.

Good luck in this new chapter of your life. You have done the right thing in honouring your own needs and protecting your own energy. Especially if you are a teacher. I can think of few other jobs that take so much mental and emotional energy!

OP sorry to hear that you feel so flat but that is natural in the circumstances. I thought it was lovely that his children were so accepting of you but felt saddened that they too were in their own way taking advantage of you and your home.
Make this time your time - time to find yourself again - time to be with your children - time to make your home yours again. Lots of luck.

Good luck, OP.

I was on a course a few weeks ago and a bloke was chatting away over lunch. He said he spent a long time looking for a woman to support him. I made the assumption he meant emotional support but no, he went on to make clear that he had found someone who worked whilst he did his thing (think athetic achievement all over the world) and this had gone on for a few years with her paying all the mortgage and bills, etc.

He was really chuffed with this and I think he was grateful but it is definitely a different way to think about things than I would have expected and I can see similarities to your situation.

It seems like your partner is having his cake and eating it in my opinion.
At his age surely he should have his own place no housesharing like a teenager.
He is making no moves to fit you into his life you are doing all the moves and your feeling that. You are dating a man child who uses your house for his family stuff as its easier for him and you have allowed this. How do your children feel about it all and have you had a conversation with them about this.
I would seriously consider what boundaries you need to feel like your in a relationship with a grown man and not a teenager. I would want to see immediate changes ie actively seeking a property. Cutting back on his family encroaching on your home and time so much. Your children being completely happy with the situation. Date nights where you leave the house even if it is a walk in a park or going on a drive and having a picnic in the car etc.

For the love of the goddess, the thread is 23 pages long, maybe consider that there might have been some changes since the OP first posted!

@amedeusamadeus Here's another stranger on the internet wishing you and your children well for a bright future. You are an absolute prize for the right man (if you want him!) and never forget that you deserve the very best. How lucky your children are to have such a fabulous woman as their mum. I hope you recover from your recent discoverings about your ex and come out of it stronger. This thread has been a wonderful example of women supporting each other, it's lifted my soul. May all your future dreams come true - all the very best to you.💐

@SodaFountainMountain Your post is sweet and I can completely understand where you're coming from. My immediate family is small so my DD loves it when people come to stay, etc. But the feelings and emotions of her ex's children are absolutely not the responsibility of the OP. I do see that you acknowledge this, but planting the thought into the head of what is clearly an empathetic and kind woman could be swirling up extra grief for her.

Thanks all for messages, I got locked out of my account!
soem really lovely responses, it’s been a bit sad and I have missed him but he needs to sort out his shit, nothing has changed, I’m still in touch with his kids, they are naturally pulling back and I’m happy with that.
my kids don’t really get the nuances but they’re pretty pragmatic about it. i said i needed him to have his own space and they seemed to accept it but think they think im a bit harsh.
im working really hard at work and life and it’s amazing how quickly i can fill the gap but as winter draws ever closer i miss having the snuggle times.
I don’t think ill ever date again though tbf, i took a punt on this and i really am doubtful I’d have the time or capacity to date again!

Don't let one sad user diminish your hope OP. This was his shit not yours

OP, don't be put off.
You have learnt so much from this.
Your home is your space and you will be very slow to offer it up as anything more than an invitation only venue to be shared.
You can do that.
Wishing you well.

I hope you can date again. The right person is just the right person. Just think of this one as having been “not right.” Its really his loss! There is only one you!

Lol I can’t do it again! That’s fine, I might get a companion in twenty years or so, I’m quite happy as I am and was for a long time prior to this relationship , he seemed to be a good match for me and lots of history and things in common probably clouded my judgement, but I was happy single really and can be again. My life is busy and I moved a lot to fit him in!