fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

Yeah, this really.

Doesn’t sound like you want to have him move in with you because you enjoy your own space.So he has to sort himself out.
Have you ever implied he can move in with you?
If you have, maybe that’s what he’s holding out for. You have to make yourself clear on this.

Let him treat you with hotels and other things if he wants to.
Don't make it your issue to be concerned about him saving for somewhere else.Your finances aren’t shared so it’s his issue.

But you need to set a firm boundary about not allowing his family visit him in your home.
Kids need privacy, blah, blah .. whatever.
If you don’t do this, he won’t move out of his current accomodation because you’re making things easy for him.

It’s his problem but you’re making it yours.

His housing situation is his own making though - he's choosing to live with younger housemates making it impossible for him to spend time with his own kids. If he didn't have OP's house bet he would sort himself a proper flat pronto. And your comment that after a year together you somehow share your house with your partner even if they have their own house is mad. Of course it's still the OP's own house, not a joint or shared one.

they often invite themselves tbh, they know when he’s likely to be at mine and sometimes just arrive unexpectedly, most recently after he told them we were busy and spending time together but they also come to see me independently of him.
their family dynamic is interesting and I think that boundaries were an issue before me and his children were not welcome as children by his ex wife and I feel he went along with this to some extent and I have been somewhat consciously and trying to undo this by letting them into my home and reducing my boundaries and giving them space to have their relationship their dad .
i can see from writing this out how messy it is

I really feel for you and i am going to sound bossy but this is what has worked for me in the past.

Some people are concrete thinkers and you have to spell it out.

I think you need to have a think about what you want, what the ideal relationship looks like FOR YOU and then have a very honest conversation.

Maybe ask bluntly if he is not making any real housing plans because he thinks he will move in with you at some point? And make it clear that while you love him, at your stage of life this is not on the cards. Not until your children are settled in their own lives.

Be very clear about what more time/ space for yourself looks like.
This might be for example

• He meets his family on his own turf, (and whatever that turf looks like is up to him), at least say 75% of the time.
• That he needs to host you reciprocally, such as every other weekend, managing food, accommodation etc. and that you find his current accommodation unwelcoming and unsuitable for this.
• You have Sunday nights and two weekday nights to yourself.

(Obviously whatever works for you)

Your house is yours and your kids home, not his. He is not really contributing : he is currently a Disney boyfriend, and that is not what you want. Be clear about what you do want, rather than what you don't. Make it clear that you have feelings for him, but that if you carry on as you are you risk these feelings will be eroded away, because that is what is happening now. Suggest you say you are prepared to be flexible and this is a starting point but you are spelling it out so he understands now. Then give him a deadline for all this to be in place, can be different deadlines as some things may take more time that others. Good luck, sorry for such a long post

You sound lovely, thinking of others.

He sounds selfish, thinking of himself.

Why are you entertaining his family and his children at your house????
That's bonkers!
You have to put your boundaries down, take control of your home, it's not a drop-in centre.
Don't your kids feel displaces by all these people taking over their house?

I would come to the point OP and say 'this isn't working for me domestically, I need some space with the kids alone ' if you do really like him on a personal level then I would say that he needs to do other options with his family if he insists on house sharing- meet them out for a cafe lunch or a park walk or a restaurant - or get a place to himself!! whatever- but not at your home. Thing is OP if you did move in together at any point, chances are this is what it would be like, if they are the kind of family that live in each others shoes - some people like this kind of family set up, others are more 'once a month' kind of families, others are twice a year!! So I would work out in your head what you consider an ok level of family hosting and work on that premise- also if you don't want him round all the time- set maybe a 3 night thing- and say you need some weekend time just with kids etc- I don't think he's using you, I just think like many men who get a woman in their life they don't quite get why you don't want them around 24/7. ( some women are like this too towards men) if he can't accept that's who you are, I think you may need to end it.

OP, did you write that he is buying loads of crap and keeping it at your place? Definitely shut that down now! Thats massively cheeky. Tell him to rent a storage unit and keep it all there if there's no room for it at his house share. He's a high earner, he can afford it.

You are definitely not BU in wanting to keep your space your own. You have already told him you don't want him living with you for years if at all. That's normal in your situation. If I split with DH I would never live with a man again. He is massively disrespecting you and moving in by stealth. He's saving a massive amount by having the house share as a cheap base and using your place as a social base for his family. I'm sure that is deliberately calculated. I'm not surprised you can't relax in your own home and I bet your DC feel the same way. You need to push back hard and take back your space. Cut back on the time he spends there and tell him to entertain his family somewhere else.

TBH he sounds very immature. The fact he didn't organise himself to buy his own place before being priced out and now chooses to live in a virtual student house with a bunch of youngsters doesn't reflect well on him!

I am picturing a gorgeous large country home with lots of space and gardens for all the visitors. My grandparents had a house like this and people used to drop in and always get a friendly welcome.

My grandparents were retired by then, had mobility issues so didn't like to leave home much, and had a gardener and a housekeeper/cleaner/cook which I imagine changes how they viewed the demands of all the guests/relatives popping over all the time!

OP a PP said he has a perfect life and they’d like it. They were right and you are allowing it at you and your DCs emotional and financial expense.
Get him to store his stuff elsewhere, tell him no more visitors, you are prioritising your DCs and you’ll see him once a week.
You need to back him off and you take control, he’s invading your home like Japanese knotweed

You say he is not moving in - well, it appears he has. He is acting as if this is his home, inviting his family around, and leaving to enjoy his free time.
He is using your home and you.

@amedeusamadeus you need to put a stop to the midweek visits. your time should be concentrated on your children. as for the visits from his offspring and grandchildren, they definitely have to stop. your home is not their entertainment space!! it is your childrens' home and not his. if they want to see him then it needs to be where he lives or at their homes!! he is taking the piss!

Wow your grandparents house sounds amazing!
im sure it has impacted my kids, but the increased encroachment has happened over the summer so its been different all round.
they have also enjoyed the extra company and entertainment but it’s not daily and they’re with their dad half the time so often they are not here when dp visits, or his kids but sometimes my kids ask me when they can see them.l which has probably lulled me a bit too.

Me and the kids have just had a holiday together and I think its the holiday that’s really opened my eyes to how much things have changed for us at home

Men are good at this, aren't they.
He has the perfect set up. Weekday cheap digs with a fun group of mates, with a nice weekend hosted home for him and his family to treat as their own little private hotel. This isn't fair on you, but most of all it's unfair on your children.
Stop weekends at yours with immediate effect, forget the 6 month notice, and make him visit his family at their home.

How would you feel about sending him this?

“I really cannot host your family anymore. You’ll have to find somewhere else to meet them. I have explained this before but you have not taken it on board. You leave all the preparation and clearing up to me and that feels like you disrespect that this is mine and my children’s home. I’m not going to be a free hotel/restaurant for you anymore. If your family turn up I won’t be letting them in. You can’t say that I have not warned you about this. A weekend away won’t fix this, you have to stop treating my home and my time as yours to use as you wish”.

I guess it’s more to help rally you into enforcing the boundary as well as communicating to him. I know it sounds like an ultimatum but it seems like that’s what is needed.

You definitely need to address this, OP. But be prepared for him to react negatively when this happens! He'll probably accuse you of all sorts, he might even ask you to marry him. Sounds like he'll do anything to keep him and his family feather-bedded, apart from dip into his own pocket of course.

I definitely wouldn't give him six months, he's not changed before so why would he change now?? Its not going to get any better so might be better to cut your losses now

He needs to take a few steps back immediately, it definitely sounds as though he's trampling over your boundaries and moving himself in by stealth.

If he needs a suitable base to see his children and grandchildren, he needs to rent a house, not take over yours. I'd be raging at this to be honest!

You're saving him so much money, and supposed to be grateful for the crumbs of gifts and treats he placates you with? Fuck that.

Tell him he needs to stop his kids coming over immediately, they can meet at his house share or in a pub, whatever it's not your problem is it? If you're not comfortable or happy with them being there that's up to you, it's your house.

If he gets in a mood or pushes back, he isn't respecting your feelings, and isn't acting as a partner, I'd end it.

I think he's taking the piss out of you. He's in no rush to find his own place because he's comfortable at yours.

If his family turn up uninvited OP, then I think you need to get a bit firmer.

At the doorstep, before they come into the house: "It's great to see you, but now's not convenient. We should get together soon though, I'll check my diary and get back to you. Let's meet at yours next time."

I can't believe the cheek. They're all taking the piss.

They all see your house as his house now, don't they? That's why they have no issue inviting themselves in.

Gosh. He leaves with the rest of his family and doesn't stay to clean up? It's your house - not a pub!

For starters, I would say something like 'no more family visits at mine, it's too much' and stick to it.

Dump. He's using you for a more comfortable environment.
He's not even thinking of saving for a better place himself
His DC are visiting him at your place?
Says it all

I think it is going to be very difficult for you to pull back and set new boundaries without causing the end of the relationship- or the beginning of the end at least.

You have said your partner's kids and grandkids are not welcome at the ex wife's house and I think you have been a welcoming host partly setting yourself apart from her. Your hospitality emphasises how you are different and kind and welcoming to his family - but it was an effort for you and you have got fed up of this dynamic. Telling your partner and his family that they are not welcome is going to destroy a key part of your role in this relationship.

As I think it is so likely that pulling back/laying down boundaries will quickly lead to the relationship ending personally I wouldn't put pressure on him to move. He likes where he lives and if your relationship breaks down he will miss your company and have no housemates for company either.

If you don't want his family around I wouldn't worry about where he sees them. That's for him and them to worry about and not your problem, but I don't think the feeling that you have got to know them then rejected them will go down well.