fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

I think that boundaries were an issue before me and his children were not welcome as children by his ex wife

Is that really what happened, or did the Ex have boundaries that she refused to be budged on? If it is what happened it is not up to you to repair the hurt caused by Him going along with it, that is up to him to provide a warm, welcoming environment for his DC and GDC.

But he is refusing to do that, instead what he has done is pick the crappiest option for a man of his age, family set-up and apparently financial status and set himself up in a house full of people in their twenties and made your home into hosting central. He gets the fun hangout of a share house, and all the home comforts of a settled family life that he doesn't have to pay for, clean up after or do any of the million and one jobs that goes into making a house a home. This is not just your home, it's your DC home too, as well as your place of work, you cannot have a never ending stream of people popping in that someone else invites into your space and maintain your peace and sanity.

I think he has set himself up in this share house as a way of forcing his way into your home, he has made his way of living so unsustainable for his circumstances to try to bully you into having him living in yours while paying a minimal amount. I vote get rid, why wait six months for him to show he is going to continue to ignore what you ask of him.

He's basically moved in.

Absolutely this 👍

I really don’t believe that this man can’t afford to rent or buy any type of suitable home of his own. It might mean him moving further away or living somewhere smaller than he’d like, but he will have to manage. He’s definitely trying to rely on moving in with you by stealth. It’s time to have a conversation where you put him straight.

How do you think he will react if you tell him you are not available to see him or his family for a few weeks?

exactly.
sounds like a variety of cocklodger.
you say he did not even make his children a priority with his ex.
you can do much better, OP.
get your own life, and house, back.

The waters are muddied because you and your DC like his family and you've been a welcoming amenable hostess for so long. They've got comfortable and may veer towards taking you for granted now. It's hard to re-set boundaries without people taking offense but that's what you need to do. Him giving you fancy hotel breaks by way of compensation is just a temporary respite. He needs to get a proper place of his own and host you and his family there, he needs to help clear up after they visit and he should be telling them not to just show up uninvited or expect to treat your home like it's theirs. However, you've partly allowed this, he's pushing on an open door.

I agree with all of this, probably partly why it’s stressing me out, to be clear they haven’t had a relationship with the ex wife for years, since childhood so the grandkids haven’t been a feature in that dynamic

Hi again, OP -

Baby steps might help. I still think two of them are

Focusing on what your DC want

and

Protecting your working hours. Everyone should understand this. It is a norm in society. I bet every one of these adults who likes to drop in on you protects their own working hours (except possibly from young DC). If you get any pushback, just refer to this

I am very glad you said that his DC will occasionally host.

Good luck.. It will be an up hill slog

Agreed. I know I haven’t helped the situation.

Thank you, yes that is a good start and I think that will be easier to get on top of as that was my baseline position for a big part of our relationship, it is more recent that I’ve allowed things to get this much out of control, it’s definitely crept up on me

This really is outrageous. Can't he see how out of order he's been?

Or does he think it's just your job, cleaning up after him and his family?

What did he mean by a shared calendar- that’s something I have with colleagues not my partner

This. Don’t tread lightly here. Tell him you feel like you’ve let them take advantage and it stops now. Also, why the heck are you allowing them to drop in? Never mind while you’re working. Tell them the hotel is closed and they need to find a different place to hang out.

edit - pp saying “natural progression” - not for me but also with children in the mix, no way.

I think my previous suggestion was perhaps the “nuclear option “, if you want to take smaller steps could you use the work issue as an excuse? Not that you should need one but it may help you to get the message across.

”Work is really busy, I need to manage my time and energy better. I need to be able to have good time with the kids and you and things feel a bit too much right now, I need to take care of myself. I have mentioned that the family visits need to happen elsewhere, so unless it’s a specific day I have agreed to host, you need to meet your family somewhere else from now. I will join you there if I can, the (Kings Bells Pub) is meant to be quite nice”

If he cares about you, then the answer would be “yes I will support you and we’ll meet family somewhere else “

Any other response would suggest he is not putting your wellbeing at the forefront of his mind

Mention to his family that you have a lot on at work and that you have told him that meet ups at your home are not going to work for the foreseeable and you won’t be able to have them there unfortunately.

Then be strong, if he asks you to host, no not at the moment it’s too much, if they turn up unannounced, sorry I am working/busy/resting so it’s not convenient. Repeat it again if you need to.

"Shared calendar" - well done for saying no - he thinks he can just book you and your time like a meeting room. That's the opposite of what you need!

Not that you need an excuse, but the summer is over, September is starting - how old are your kids? Whatever age they are there will be some reason why they need your focus and their own space in the new term. You can use that (not that you should need to)

Thanks all, much food for thought here and lots of reasonable (assertive) suggested responses and ideas

As an aside, I am impressed that most people on this thread can see why this is a problem. I have felt that a lot of MN has increasingly gone the way of "why can't you just "naturally" give him your house, as is "natural"", so this is nice.

It will be interesting to see what happens when you raise this, OP. There will probably be some defensive anger. You can sometimes get more of this from the "good" ones because they have been concealing from themselves the extent to which they've been taking advantage of gendered socialisation to take the piss, and when you point it out it can make them very salty. I do hate this dynamic - I feel sometimes that the half decent men are more trouble than the absolute bounders, because you can forget to hold the line and when they wander over it and are caught out you have to deal with their rage at themselves as well as you for pointing it out. If only some of the buggers would hold it themselves instead of making it your problem!

Just have the fun times and the great sex.
Then do a lovely family day (roast dinner for example) every few weeks but he helps prep with you and waves them home afterwards and helps you clear up.
This is man who sees the woman as the sole provider of the 'family hosting' stuff .
There's always a compromise to be found and if he digs his heels in, then you know what type he is. And then you can make a choice that suits you.

You sound like you feel like his hotel manager rather than his partner. I would particularly be irritated at him not clearing up after himself and his family when they visit! What does he say when you ask for his help tidying up - or does he just scarper?

Good to see that you've drawn a line in the sand. Will be interesting to see whether he makes the necessary changes and sticks with it!

OP, I think you should take advantage of the 'back to school' vibe, setting rules for during the week to protect your children's time during the week, and your downtime on working days.
Maybe with his family you could suggest that again to enhance your children's family time that you meet them maybe once a month, alternating between seeing them at your house and you visiting them/a meal out somewhere. If you can emphasise that you welcome your relationship with them but that you do need to ring fence some family time for you and your children. Good luck, you sound kindhearted and welcoming, but maybe have been a bit too welcoming.

Why would OP need to host his family in her home for a ‘lovely roast’ - is it as thanks for the ‘great sex’???

Taking in all these replies , thank you, I will try to process everything and work out next steps, reading through all of these responses shows I have pretty much said all the suggested things, he alternated between saying he gets it and will change to saying he doesn’t know what I want or the last time I tried to discuss it before Sunday he said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’
im seeing things differently now with this thread

Well, seeing as his latest comment is "I don't want to talk about it" you should be concerned, that's not good enough. Nor is saying he doesn't know what you want when you've told him and it's pretty clear! Acting dense is a way of not engaging and maintaining the status quo which he likes.

“I don’t want to talk about it” - 😮

just Wow.

im seeing things differently now with this thread

I really, really hope so, and I really hope you don't waste another minute on him. You've been a doormat for long enough.