fed up with my partner using my house as his base

[amedeusamadeus]

As with title really.
he lives in house share , when we got together had his own (rented) house. It was lovely, is very solvent, good job etc and all fine.

some months in the landlord was selling up so he moved into a house share as a stop gap.

it’s now been a year of him at this bachelor pad, younger housemates/ workmates , their younger girlfriends etc.
he is ‘saving’ with no plans to buy anywhere and seemingly no plans to move on from this fun bachelor pad.

there’s no space for me there, I don’t feel welcome in the slightest and quite honestly I’m not sure I want to spend time there.
its a nice house but it’s like something from my 20s (we’re middle aged)
his kids are grown and he has grandchildren while I still have kids.
im nowhere near ready to move in together and him suddenly slot into our lives for convenience and more money saving which is what I think he and everyone else thinks will happen.
I probably won’t even entertain it until the kids have left school

it’s become the norm for him to spend my free weekends at mine and some time during the week.
it also means that his adult kids and grandchildren have been visiting more and more at mine because there’s also no space at his really for family visits .

I have good relationship with them too but it’s starting to feel like encroachment, they stay longer and longer cos of baby’s sleep time interfering with journey home, we don’t get privacy as a couple and most importantly , I am not getting time to myself to enjoy my home and feel I’m running on empty with work, housework, my kids, and I’m not finding energy to fulfill my needs.
obviously I love him and his company so I find setting the boundaries hard because I want to see him but the only place where we can be comfortable together is my house.

he helps out with jobs and buys groceries so he feels he’s not taking the mickey and it gives us more time together but I don’t want my romantic/ sexy time to be spent doing housework together because I haven’t had time to catch up elsewhere.

he is a good earner but in a highly stressful job.

as well as supposedly saving is always arriving with new and expensive items and clothes so I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of my space and time.

ive said this to him numerous times, he says it will change and then does something like book us a hotel for a weekend so I get a break but I feel it’s all unevenly weighted in his favour.

house prices and rentals have skyrocketed here and there is a dearth of available accommodation for everyone so I feel like it’s unfair to force his hand by giving an ultimatum but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

ive asked him to tell me how he plans to make a space for me and his family (and my family) in his life.

in my head I’m giving six months to see him make changes

I feel this may well be a hill I choose to die on and can’t quite work out if I’m being selfish/ petty because of the stressful housing market and the fact he’s happy living with his friends.
also we have a great relationship if I ignore this (lol) and am I throwing the baby out with the bath water if he doesn’t change and I end it?

They are his family not your family. It seems weird they pop round unannounced and he isn't there.

Next time, just say you are busy and v sorry but not today.

Don't marry him or go away on holiday with him.

He is using you. 6 months is too long, unless you're planning to host Christmas?

Your dc should come first. Just tell him you need some time to yourself, not make any plans for a month or so. Let him live full time in his house share. Weekends too. You're not his mum!!

It doesn’t matter what his ex wife did - it wasn’t and isn’t on you to sacrifice your own and your children’s comfort to make up for perceived sins of someone else. You didn’t and don’t have to prove your worthiness in comparison.

Tbh it sounds like she had boundaries and wasn’t willing to parent for him and/or run around after him and his kids. She didn’t have to.

You’ve been allowing yourself to be taken advantage of and for what? To be ‘nice’? To be the self sacrificing idealised maternal figure? All that’s got you is taken advantage of. It’s not making you happy and you’re just getting walked over.

???. What part of my post indicated that?
I read OP's posts and the good stuff is good.
the family stuff is also good but has become too much / frequent/ casual and she's used as the hosting servant enabling HIM to be Disney dad /grandad and take all the benefits of a lovely home life without the cost or physical/mental effort.

How I read it is the relationship had a great vibe, a 'frisson' ( as it should after only a year as limerance etc takes a couple of years to fade away) but he's turning her into a part time 'wife' and if you want to kill that frisson/fizz , another few months of this and it's gone for the OP.
Being used as a household skivvy is guaranteed to wipe out the desire. Even the odd treat of a weekend away isn't enough at that point.

OP, was he married twice before and these kids from the first marriage? And the ex wife had what you had but said no, hence why she's now an ex?
I have read all your posts but wasn't clear. Also is he about 15 years older than you?

I’d be saying that he can’t come over until he’s ready to talk about it.
What a cheek.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, there's your future. And your answer.

He treats you like a downtrodden wife!

Tell him fine, the opportunity to resolve is over, but this doesn't mean you blindly carry on. You arent thank god married or living with him. You want a break for six months, to concentrate on your own family, call his up and say no more impromptu visits, happy to meet up if invited elsewhere.

Book a busy and fun holiday for just you and your kids, change the locks and go.

Same for Christmas:) no more pseudo relationship with a man who uses your house as a central mtg point. Somehow he has wangled this. Conniving fuckwittage.

That’s a cheek him saying “I don’t want to talk about it”.

tell him you don’t want to talk about it either. Nothing to discuss. Just a new rule - no one comes over unless invited.

‘I don’t want to talk about it’

Well no, because the status quo works for him and for not you. And he knows exactly what you want from him, but it doesn't suit him so he just fobs you off by nodding along or going out for the odd meal. And now he's having a sulk that it's not worked this time. Selfish wanker manchild.

Ahh so he's moved from feigning ignorance, to outright shutting you down.

I'm sorry but I think you already have your answer here, the nice guy mask is slipping and you're getting glimpses of the real person.

I can't see any way round this except ending it, he doesn't respect you, your feelings or your DC's space. Change the locks when he's gone.

he said he didn’t want to talk about it the week before I told him to come back to me with his plan.
he hasn’t said that he doesn’t want to talk about it since I asked him to come back to me with his plan for how he’s going to make space for me and his family.
im still waiting for him to come back to me with a plan though.
im not planning to see him over the next week or so as we both have loads on plus it’s back to school etc so is easy to have the boundaries in place and ample time for him to think about whether his living arrangements and savings are higher priority than the relationship, currently I’m tired and unimpressed and struggling to conjure up any warm feelings towards him

Of course he knows what you want! He’s playing you for a fool and is shutting you down, especially now, with him ‘not wanting to talk about it’. Who does he think he is, having your home as his base?! The entitlement shocks me!

Why are you expecting and waiting him to come up with a plan? It's not up to him. He has already told you he doesn't want to talk about it.

He is not going to change. He wants things to stay as they are, or he will find someone else who lives centrally to get his feet under the table.

And get his stuff out. FfS. He is moving in, you just haven't noticed yet.

Find a decent man that doesn't treat you like this. A holiday without him has opened your eyes you say? Just finish it.

Sunk cost fallacy otherwise.

Not being so nice now he's not getting his own way

You sound really sensible op. You’re putting your kids first & rightly so. Also v sensible to protect your assets.

Just tell him his family can't visit at yours.
He can only come over at the weekend.
Your kids must hate this.

There's nothing unusual about not seeing your home as your boyfriends home after a year. It's her home and her kids home.

Yes some people do move in together quickly but others don't and that's not unusual in any way.

Are you sure that he’s ’putting them off’ visiting? Or is it a case of ‘oh yeah I’m at amadeus’s, come over. Also, about the whole perimenopause thing, that’s not making you unreasonable, that’s what’s giving you the clarity you’re now experiencing. It’s the estrogen that was previously coursing through your veins that made you want to unequivocally put yourself last. Fuck that shit, is what your body is saying now. And not before time.

It sounds as if your household is quite chaotic at times when it should be a peaceful haven for you and your children.

You need to put your own dc first.
There is nothing wrong in telling him that that’s what you will be doing from now on.

He’s a hard worker and a high earner with grown up dc so why is he in a position of having to house share as if he’s still at the very beginning of his career.

You are actually subsidising him OP while he saves, spends, saves a bit less, spends a bit more and lives at yours a bit more, using it as his home to entertain his family while you not only pay for it but suffer for it and never catch up.
Think of the impact that has on your own dc.

Tell him you need equity for the relationship to be successful because you are now running on empty and the only way you see that happening is if you each have your own homes, so that you and your children have calm when you need it.

Yes OP, please help yourself out by setting a time frame and sticking to it.
He needs a stark reminder that he’s taking you and your dc for granted.
If the housing market is such that that means a rented property or a bigger mortgage for him and his visiting family, then so be it, that’s what he has to take on board.

Thank you, have said I don’t feel like we’re equals anymore.
I already felt we’re not on an equal footing because of his being a higher earner and my single mum responsibility , part time wages etc but having now realised his income seems significantly more because his outgoings are little more than a bedroom and petrol for his car. His bills are inclusive so he doesn’t even have that responsibility.
It feels weird like he’s playing at being a grown up.
to answer some other posts:
we are same age.
his adult kids are from his first marriage, married very young and it was short lived. Second marriage was long but his kids hated the second wife because they felt she treated them differently to her own children and they didn’t feel welcome or that they had their own dedicated space at his home with her , and they didn’t get on with the step kids so he had less input with them as they refused to come to his house and it seems (to me) that he put his efforts into his stepchildren (who I don’t have any relationship with)
his step kids are much better off than his own kids, in all areas of life and I have some sympathy with his own kids who I feel were left behind and a lot of their lives and experiences mirror my own childhood so I guess my nurturing compassionate nature has allowed them to feel able to be themselves at mine.

when he and his last wife split it seems that’s when his relationship with his now adult children started to rebuild and I have subconsciously put myself in a position to support their relationship with their dad .
he has had a couple of girlfriends before me but much more casual which is what he wanted .
neither of us were dating but are old friends and our friendship changed when we both found ourselves single at the same.

his stuff isn’t at my house. I made a space for some of his stuff at mine when he moved in temporarily to this house share situation last year but made him take it all back earlier this year when it seemed like he had stopped making any effort to look at more permanent housing.

How dare he say “I don’t want to talk about it”?!?

It was up to him to make a space for them at his second wife’s house and he didn’t. That’s on him more than the second wife.

As kids, I can see that it was easier to blame her than to blame their dad (and I’m not saying she was perfect)

But if seems like he has a pattern of throwing his hands up and leaving it to
the women in his life to sort family matters (presumably the kids largely lived with their mum)

Don’t be sucked in to blaming the second wife too.

Yeah I agree. We have discussed it, and he knows he messed up in favour of his relationship with his wife

If HE really wanted to rebuild the relationship, he could have made different arrangements to be a better host at HIS home , hire big Airbnbs for holidays, go and stay in a hotel near them if they don’t have space for him.

So, he never put his own children first and he still isn't.

He prioritised himself over his DC's while they were little, and he's still doing it now.

Don't know what you're seeing in him, op.

If (big IF) you want to stay with him, you can support him having a relationship with them in other ways eg talking through with him what went wrong, suggesting birthday gifts for the DGC or whatever

Not saying you have to do these things, but they are more reasonable give and take things than him and his kids treating your home as theirs.

How old are your kids vs his DGC?