How to deal with anti-screen DH

[Rainingharder]

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

He is not wrong. Kids are perfectly capable to engage in playing and letting you to have a lie in. Or - you can take turns.
I was militant as well - and from early age made sure kids had plenty of toys and book and learned how to entertain themselves without screens.
My 6 yo - was happily reading if we needed a break. And 3 you played or coloured.
So - I am with him. And with a campervan - there is so much to do and see. Why bring screens to nature????

I get his point but are you a SAHM? Do you do the majority of the parenting? If so, it will be on you to enforce it which seems unfair.

@Sashya your kids must be better behaved than mine, because even if they were doing those activities they would still require my input every 10’mins, especially the 3yo!
i get it, of course the aim would be not to have any at all and spend all out time in nature but we live up north and it rains a lot, so I’m basically wanting it to not be completely off the cards, and to not beat ourselves up about it

I agree with him. Children shouldn't have screens. Let them play instead. People managed perfectly well without screens before.

@RumbleHoney i am not sahm, but during the week I do the majority of the parenting due to his work hours.
i think I just don’t want to feel guilty / like I need to seek his permission for them to watch tv for 20 mins so I can cook tea!

I largely agree with him too… but yes I understand where you’re coming from, screens have their uses and YOU still need a break!

So I’d say to him, as long as he’s able to step up with the extra hour of parenting here and there to give you a nap/walk time/long bath whatever, then this sounds largely positive?

You are both the parents so you need to meet in the middle. It's very unfair he gets to completely dictate this.
I'm really lax with tv at home. I like my sleep and if the kids get up super early they are welcome to dissolve into screens so that I can sleep.
I have always, however, banned all screens on any outing or holiday. Screens do not leave the house. I've done this from the outset so they all know that's the rule and don't even question it now.
I just think that altho it may seem helpful it actually builds a rod for your own back.
As they get older you will have them whinging about tech on every holiday outing you do.. they'll just want to go back to the van and watch or play whatever.. they'll expect it.
Personally I think proper bonding time as a family us important. I don't take time off work and pay a bunch of money for everyone to go somewhere just to have everyone glued to screens or whinging about screens.
It's worth the extra parenting you have to do sometimes.
But tbh it's not that bad.. I'd imagine on a caravan site there's outdoor space, a playground or something?
We went on holiday a few weeks ago abd if the kids got up before us they played in the garden. They are 9 and 6 and a baby (but obviously she doesn't play she's in bed with me still!) And it's actually lovely to see all the traditional imaginative play they engage in due to knowing there's no screens around.
My son will also spend the evenings drawing and painting.
He wouldn't do this if he knew he could get hold of tech.
So there's something to be said about your husbands stance on the holidays..
However I'm totally with you on the weekend lie ins. Kids get to watch tv so you can sleep a bit longer.

But I do think you should come to a compromise. It's not just up to him.

Single mum here. DD has an iPad which has a time limit on if of 1 hour which she usually watches after dinner in the week (term time).

School holidays has been more screen time.

It's her way of relaxing and in turn I also get an hour to chill ( or do chores!)

I'm all for a bit of screen time in moderation!

@Lupina12 so this was the compromise we agreed over the summer hols as he wanted to go screen free for the whole 6 weeks, and I agreed with that caveat, but he totally held it over me, and resentment built up on his side that I was having that extra time (he’s an extrovert, and by his own admission he doesn’t require alone time to refuel). I think in his head he’s keen to step up and spend the extra time with the kids to enable the screen free time, but in reality he gets resentful

I completely agree with him.
He seems to have done his research.
What do you think happened before smart phones and tablets were a thing?
It’s a losing battle, but the longer you can restrict their screen time, the better it will be in the long run.

I would tell him that he can ban screens entirely on his time, but you will do as you see fit on your time. If he disagrees, he needs to change his work hours so he can do more parenting.

I'm pretty relaxed about screen time and I think it's useful at some times for the reasons you outline.

I do have hard lines though -none in the car, meal times or when in public . I don't use it to "contain " them in a restaurant or when bored in an outdoor space like a park for example.

I have a mix of dc who would pick a screen over any activity and 1 who can take or leave it and will happily colour, build Lego, write stories and only resorts to screens if really tired.

Parenting needs to be a team effort not 1 dp laying down all rules imo so surely a compromise is the way forward. You sound open to that....

I do wish I had never allowed YouTube though as it's so hard to keep to appropriate topics (not so much overtly inappropriate stuff but more humour that is too teenage or utter trashy content).

It takes time. The 3yo will learn to play and entertain themselves if you don't give up.
Do they not play together?

But generally - when my kids were smaller, my approach to ensuring a lie in was to put them to sleep on a more Continental European schedule. They had dinner with us from quite an early age. Made it easier for cooking and clean up - as I didn't have to make a lot of child-only meals. Then I'd get them to help with cleaning away. Having a regular routine and good black-out curtains helped.

So - my kids did not get up at the crack of dawn and I could sleep in.

If your 3yo requires your input every 10min - giving them screens would make it so much worse in the long run as they won't have a chance to learn to entertain themselves.

Kids need to be bored at times - to develop important skills. The constant stimulation from parents actually hurts development.

And in addition to all - the rates of AHDH have been growing - and screens have a major role in that.

I see both sides. There's no denying the research that shows screens are detrimental, but I personally think a little bit of screen time isn't going to cause any big issues.

How do your kids react when you tell them to come off their screens? Do they come off with minimal fuss? I feel like if there is a battle to come off them, that this tends to be an indicator that they're too dependant on screens. My dc have an iPad limit of an hour a day. Rarely do I get any fuss from them when it's up or if i ask them to come off before the hour is up. They'll just go off any do something else.

Your dh seems to feel very strongly about it. Maybe try his way but try to still get the things you'd like. Eg Maybe take turns in the mornings to get up with the kids so one of you can stay in bed and catch some extra rest while the other supervises and entertains?

I agree with what many of pp say and we do already restrict it - no screens on journeys, out in public etc. and I say screens but really the only thing they do is watch tv, we don’t have tablets/games consoles. So I think we have a pretty healthy balance already! I just feel that he is becoming even stricter and something else to beat ourselves up over

We do no screens on holidays and it works so well. My kids play so much better when it's not even an option.

@Sashya not keen on continental time as am a big fan of post 7pm when the kids are in bed and I get some time to myself!

Sorry but I'm with your husband.

Screens provide short term respite for parents at a cost to the children.

He’s not wrong about screens, but he is very wrong about dictating your time. I think you need a come to Jesus talk where you say I’m a parent here too, and I support your career by doing more parenting than you do. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you being bitter and resentful at doing an extra hour here or there over summer to support your screen free plan, you couldn’t really deliver it but you expect me to every single day all year, you’re a huge hypocrite. If we separated you wouldn’t have the kids more and you wouldn’t cope better, so you need to work with me and support me more, or find a job that finishes at 5 so you can do more parenting, or recognise you’re damaging our marriage. Social media is a bigger problem and we need to be a better team before they are all old enough for their friends ti have that, which means you need to treat me like a team member not a serf. (We do very little screen time, none at all on weekdays, but he doesn’t get to dictate what happens while he’s at work when he’s shown he can’t step up at home)

We have a 30 minute daily limit on TV/screens (almost three and a nine year old), we’re campers and had a camper van until recently, there is no way we would have ever bought a TV for the camper van.

To be honest with the six year old once they’re home from school when you take off dinner time, reading, cleaning teeth etc and hour is essentially all of their free time, so that is a lot when it would take up the majority for their free time in the week.

Screens aren’t evil, but I do think an hour a day for a primary ages child in the week is quite a lot, you need to come up with something you’re both generally happy with, its impossible to please both parents 100% of the time.

I don’t include watching some TV or an age appropriate film together in that though. That can be a nice shared activity and as long as it isn’t Cocomelon type shite, they are learning about empathy, narrative and culture. Would he not watch things like Wallace and Grommet or A Christmas Carol with them? That said, I have one friend who had no screens including TV with her son and he’s fabulous.

So either he agrees it's quite hard to parent with a complete ban on screens in this day and age, so he needs to let up on his no-screen rule, OR he feels it's easy as pie to parent completely screenfree and does most of it himself. Which is to be? He can't have it both ways.

He's becoming controlling, that's for sure.

@Simonjt its basically 20-30 mins before school, and the same just before dinner, but in summer months when the weather is nice then it’s a lot less

Neither of you are wrong. Can’t you trial a few weeks of the screen time you’d like and trial a few weeks of how much screen time DH would like and then assess at the end of it? It’ll take a few weeks to adjust.

It sounds like you need some downtime to yourself to decompress. You’re relying on screens whereas you could actually just do with time away from the kids. A campervan won’t be that - it’ll be harder work than home.

How old is your DH ? Did he not ever play with a game boy or whatever was the tech at the time ?

As a father of 3 who grew up with them playing DS games I think he is being too strict & controlling. It's well know that playing online games helps with hand/eye co-ordination as well as being able to talk to others. Better than being a bookworm & a nerdy loner.