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Original poster

How to deal with anti-screen DH

175 replies

Rainingharder · 02/09/2024 23:57

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

OP posts:
itsmabeline · 03/09/2024 00:58

Do they like to play with Lego? Play board games? Do come colouring in?

I think all of these things can be done instead of screen time and your husband is right about it being damaging.

If the screen time is educational to see things they wouldn't otherwise get exposure to, like wildlife videos or science shows that is one thing. But if they have free rein to just watch cartoons then I agree that is bad for them.

As a pp said, screen time for the children gives downtime to the parents at the expense of the children.

coxesorangepippin · 03/09/2024 03:14

I'd be tempted to agree with your husband: except for in the car.

Does he mean TV too I.e. traditional TV? Paw patrol etc etc

Babychewtoy · 03/09/2024 03:27

I think you sound very balanced and reasonable and I take a similar approach to you. Yes you could aim for more like 30 mins a day rather than an hour but banning all screens completely seems unrealistic.

Your DH sounds very rigid and controlling and it seems completely bizarre to threaten to not get the camper van over this - as it is entirely unrelated.

Userxyd · 03/09/2024 06:39

Could you suggest not random tv/flicking between channels but specific curated tv shows eg CBeebies plays or whichever programmes you both agree are suitable? There are some really good programmes for children and I'm with you an hour a day max is no bad thing when it helps everyone relax - life is busy and you all need some chill time.

YellowRoom · 03/09/2024 06:45

He sounds completely unreasonable. Dictating to you that the children should have no screen time but either being absent because of work or resentful that he has to entertain them. Saying he won't get a campervan if your children have an hour of screen time is controlling and unpleasant. Is he like this in other areas too?

WhatNoRaisins · 03/09/2024 06:49

It's all well and good to say people managed without screens before but children would have had more freedom to play out. Wasn't it normal for mum to tell the kids go out and play while she got on with jobs at home? We can't choose to do that now, it would be considered a safeguarding issue.

I agree with PP in that if DH feels that strongly about screentime he needs to take on more of entertaining his kids without screens.

Milsonophonia · 03/09/2024 06:52

I'm afraid I'm another who is with him. Read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haight.

3 and 6 are awfully little to have screens. I don't understand why you need to give them screens while you cook tea?

TinyYellow · 03/09/2024 06:54

I think your DH is right, and as long as he’s doing his share of engaging with his children to keep them entertained then it’s a good thing.

Milsonophonia · 03/09/2024 06:55

WhatNoRaisins · 03/09/2024 06:49

It's all well and good to say people managed without screens before but children would have had more freedom to play out. Wasn't it normal for mum to tell the kids go out and play while she got on with jobs at home? We can't choose to do that now, it would be considered a safeguarding issue.

I agree with PP in that if DH feels that strongly about screentime he needs to take on more of entertaining his kids without screens.

It wasn't back in the fifties! Mine are in their early and mid twenties and didn't have a phone until one of them was 12. They watched telly for a bit but the rest of the time they played or got bored.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/09/2024 07:01

My DP both grew up in the 60s and seemed to be allowed to roam all over the place as kids. This seemed to be dying out by the 90s so I watched more TV or played on the computer as a kid.

I do restrict my DCs screentime, I will quite firmly tell them that it's not time for screens, that I'm busy and they need to go find something to do. They also get taken out or played with but I honestly don't have it in me to entertain them all day long. I don't think that there is anything shameful about a mum needing some downtime to preserve her mental health.

BirdFeederFun · 03/09/2024 07:02

Milsonophonia · 03/09/2024 06:55

It wasn't back in the fifties! Mine are in their early and mid twenties and didn't have a phone until one of them was 12. They watched telly for a bit but the rest of the time they played or got bored.

Show quote history

I think the OP means TV.... TV is a screen.!

I was okay with a bit of cbeebies here and there and vastly prefered it to TV with ads. I think if he's antincbbebies /cbbc while you get dinner ready he really needs to take them instead!

soupfiend · 03/09/2024 07:04

Your husband is right, why the reliance on these, why the 'need'

What do you think happened before these things were invented?

Baital · 03/09/2024 07:05

'No screens' isn't in itself unreasonable.

No screens but being resentful because he has to pick up the slack for a choice he has made is unreasonable.

Itsjustmeheretoday · 03/09/2024 07:05

He is right. I wish I had never introduced them, my DC would happily self play and now they are so obsessed, I only did it to give myslef a break but I feel I have now created a worse problem for myself and him! I don't think it should be normalised at all

Milsonophonia · 03/09/2024 07:13

I think telly is fine for kids occasionally. There's a difference between telly and tablets etc. You don't get the same dopamine hit.

bigTillyMint · 03/09/2024 07:15

My DC are in their 20s and screens didn’t exist when they were that age apart from TV - they were allowed an hour max a day. They played together (obviously needing support from mainly me) both inside and outside, with friends and on their own (DS could be happy with a ball for quite a while!)
They did drawing, play doh, role-play, etc. I read to them, we did cooking, went to the park/soft play, etc.

It was tiring, but we got through it, just like all the families of that age and older!

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 03/09/2024 07:15

As a teacher, I'm increasingly concerned about screen time, but I'm not convinced it needs to be completely banned altogether. I watched a load of TV when I was growing up, and honestly I don't see that it's destroyed me!

The main differences I see are a) the number of hours. When I was a kid, a whole hour of TV was considered quite a lot. These days it's considered "just one hour". And b) the nature of the content makes a big difference. And I don't mean "educational" content, that's compete bullshit. I mean short format YouTube shorts, which are usually manic and addictive, and don't actually even have any entertainment value.

40-60 minutes watching something fairly calm on a TV in the corner, is completely different from an hour immersed into a totally isolated world of manic YouTube shit on an ipad with headphones.

BirdFeederFun · 03/09/2024 07:16

Yes there's something about the immediacey and keep clicking with a phone /tablet. I'm aware I need to someone reduce my time.

But I was happy with 30mins TV with my kids (more in school holidaus/sat morning) and we look fondly on some of the cbeebies/cbbc we liked then! I think my youngest properly twigged recognised/understood numbers from watching number blocks with my eldest.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/09/2024 07:17

Rainingharder · 03/09/2024 00:14

@Lupina12 so this was the compromise we agreed over the summer hols as he wanted to go screen free for the whole 6 weeks, and I agreed with that caveat, but he totally held it over me, and resentment built up on his side that I was having that extra time (he’s an extrovert, and by his own admission he doesn’t require alone time to refuel). I think in his head he’s keen to step up and spend the extra time with the kids to enable the screen free time, but in reality he gets resentful

Edited

So he gets to get what he wants but you can't have what you need because he doesn't want to deal with the extra looking after the kids that is the outcome of him getting what he wants. That's really selfish of him.

We used to go all over the place as kids without adults around, the world's not the same anymore. There's lots we did as kids I wouldn't feel my kids were safe doing now. If he wants the kids to be screen free and you don't then the very least he should be doing is looking after the kids so you can get the down time you need. His wants don't trump your needs.

Spiderwmn · 03/09/2024 07:17

Listening to youtube - all the constant chatter or loud shouting and wearing of earphones - I was on the train the other day and a group of lads around 20 years old were sooooo LOUD - felt like they were shouting at each other not talking. Had to move carriage. Younger children are louder too I think.

cosyleafcafe · 03/09/2024 07:19

Lupina12 · 03/09/2024 00:12

I largely agree with him too… but yes I understand where you’re coming from, screens have their uses and YOU still need a break!

So I’d say to him, as long as he’s able to step up with the extra hour of parenting here and there to give you a nap/walk time/long bath whatever, then this sounds largely positive?

I think this is a good response!

If he wants them to not have screens, then he does the parenting whilst you have your lie-in.

1apenny2apenny · 03/09/2024 07:19

Seems as though your DH is a 'my way or the highway' type. He wants to make the rules and expects you to enforce as if you're his employee, sounds a bit like a dictatorship!

Tell him there needs to be a compromise and he needs to step up and do more parenting. I mean being in education I'm sure he understands the importance of both parents supporting each other. He needs to respect your views too.

moppety · 03/09/2024 07:23

He can't really unilaterally make a parenting decision like that 🤷‍♀️ If he doesn't want screens when he's in charge of them then that's fine. But he doesn't get to tell you what to do when you're in sole care of them and certainly not what you get to do on a holiday. He'll have to find a compromise. That's just life.

Cismyfatarse · 03/09/2024 07:27

My kids are adults now and we only had the demon TV.

We had no TV Monday - Friday. It broke once and we were without for ages so they lost the habit and it was so much easier when we didn't have to drag them away from it.

Might that be a compromise? Weekends only?

Rewis · 03/09/2024 07:27

Just out of curiosity. Does no screen time include no family movie nights? Or just the kids not watching TV on their own?

I agree with the others that if he is so adamant about no screens then he needs to step up. But sounds like he is not doing it.

honestly, I personally believe in everything in moderation. Playing board games for 5 days straight cause it is raining is incredibly boring and having an episode of paw patrol shouldn't cause everlasting damage.