How to deal with anti-screen DH

[Rainingharder]

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

And yes like someone else pointed out, if it’s so awful and evil then how come half of all school work is done on a computer screen and they all need apps to do their homework? Either it’s okay or it’s bad. TT Rockstars presumably also emits blue light.

What benefits did you see?

im pretty relaxed about screen time, we all need downtime, to switch off , relax and get lost in a tv programme.

im a great believer in everything in moderation too.

we had movie days with the children growing up, some days they probably had too much screen time, but they were also perfectly able to read a book, play on their own, play together, make friends with others, socialise well and both are now young adults doing well in life.

I certainly wouldn’t be dictated to in my own home when it’s me that does the majority of childcare.

Eating lentils, kale and pilchards is beneficial for kids but they don't tend to!

I think your DH is making a choice where all the consequences fall on you. I've had friends where this happens and as soon as the DH has to do full childcare for the day, those little hands are given the remote fairly sharpish.

We restrict tablet and consoles to weekends and have a schedule for when they're allowed to watch TV. Eg on school days they need to be dressed and teeth brushed first, which helps with routine.

Before screens we had the telly on the whole time. Before telly kids used to be sent out to play in the road until dinner was ready.

I think kids watching something on TV while you cook is better than you trying to manage squabbles and a hot frying pan at the same time.

I agree with your husband, I’m afraid. My kids grew up before screens were ubiquitous and I am so pleased they did.

That said, you both need to be in agreement so look for a compromise. I think no screens on holiday sounds a great idea but maybe continue with screens occasionally at home (although I think an hour a day is a huge amount).

What comes across from your posts is that you really need the downtime that screens give you. Perhaps that’s a way to find a compromise- agree to no screens on holiday but ask that he takes sole charge for certain periods so that you can properly switch off?

I remember my boss in a job I worked in 20 odd years ago had no TV in his house. His kids haven’t turned out any better than anyone else’s but he definitely came across as controlling, rigid and draconian.

The older two have peers who are mainly glued to devices. Their parents say they don’t read any more. They spend their days making and watching tiktoks or YouTube. Gaming on the console. Not doing particularly well at school. There are threads on MN all the time about kids this age who don’t want to join on family days out but just want to sit at home on screens.

im not taking about watching tv. We have family film sessions but not mindless YouTube. We will watch something together sometimes but they don’t scroll on phones. They are all very keen readers and devour books. Jigsaws and board games are popular and they all play an instrument which they enjoy practicing. I just personally think screens make children lose interest in other things.

An hour of TV per day for an older child or teenager isn't the same as an hour per day for very young children.

Screens are not evil and there is non need to panic but Op's husband should be able to discuss reducing routine screen time for their very young children and no screen time on family holidays where he should be able to take ALL the slack in engaging the children in other activities.

Op should be confident to turn on the TV when she judges that she needs that entertainment or the kids will be chaotic.

Compromise means that Op still switches the TV on but maybe she becomes also more adept at suggesting some craft, out door play, helping with the meal preparation, involvement with their father etc.,

Speaking as a teacher, I wish schools were more careful with screen use.

Ideally, parents would be really hands on in practicing the timetables with their kids. In reality, that isn't going to happen and so teachers reach for an app so at least some practice is happening at home.

Then of course some schools use it as a selling point that they're so tech savvy etc. when in reality this isn't true. Kids can use an ipad all day but still have no clue how to type on an actual keyboard, attach a document to an email, or do anything with Excel.

During COVID a lot of schools jumped on the tech bandwagon even for the younger years, but it was basically one giant experiment using other people's children. Now as the results are trickling in, it seems it was a bad idea.

Its not teachers who have decided this so this is not a relevant point

That was probably my dad 😂 Same with him - his children didn’t turn out better from being banned from having a tv or pretty much anything that a normal child would want but we did all get a large dose of anxiety and other MH issues from his and my mums control freak behaviour.

But there is surely a big difference in banning screens for a 3 year old (the age of op's youngest) and for an older teenager. As our kids age we should slowly let go of the reigns so that by the time they are adults they are able to live independently and make their own decisions.

So banning all screens for a 15 year old is pretty controlling, I agree, but banning screens for a child who hasn't even started school yet is just common sense

I don’t think he’s that militant if your children are having screens in the mornings. I would say watching tv before school is very bad for children’s brain / retention / ability to remain calm. I’m more relaxed about later in the day.

I think it slightly depends how they're using screens. A moderate amount of carefully chosen TV, for instance, can positively help with language development, and if you can combine it with something mildly educational, so much the better.

Half an hour of selected appropriate TV is very different from leaving DCs alone with a computer.Heck because they get so little tv the DCs will be happy to watch educational stuff.

I grew up in the 70s, naturally watched very little TV because a) children's programmes were only on in brief spurts and b) we had one TV in the living room commandeered by DF. There was no concern about DCs being zombielike or whatever from a small bit of TV, this has only come about since the advent of internet.

I totally understand the worry about swathes of screen time and computer games are notoriously addictive, but honestly half an hour of TV time is hardly worth him making this huge big fuss about, particularly as conveniently his job means he isn't doing much of the hard yards of parenting.

Oh and as an introvert myself, think very hard before you get a campervan. It's just me, DH and the dog in ours (DS is 18) and I can only do about 2 nights max before I go stir crazy with the proximity and lack of space, DH on the other hand seems to love it.

If we're talking about tv as well I can't have been the only person who got home from school in the 90s and put CBBC on and when that finished watched neighbours, home and away and then Hollyoaks? It's not a new thing.

I'v had an injured child this summer so she'd usually be doing sport most days but this hasn't been possible. We've had some really nice movie evenings. Also been to the cinema a couple of times (is that included in the no screens?)

She's also done some gaming with her friends online- kept her in touch when she hasn't been able to go to the park.

I really don't think it's as simple to say 'all screens are bad'. We've had some really fun times as a family playing Just Dance and Mario and Sonic at the Olympics on the switch.

I agree with him.

We’ve become far too much of a generation where we are reliant on screens to the extent that children don’t know how to entertain themselves any more.

People can’t have a meal without having to glue their children to iPads so they aren’t too distracted.

Kids have an iPad in the car/on the train/anywhere in public essentially, and now parents actually believe that their children need screens so parents can have a break.

And all this has only got worse in the past twenty years or so. Before that parents actually had to parent their children, and too many don’t know how any more.

If I ruled the world mobile phones for children would be banned under the age of 16. Social media would be illegal under the age of 18, and iPads would be banned in restaurants.

Personally I think that screen time, and especially social media, (although I realise your DC are too young for that, but the younger they have screens the younger they will become reliant on them) will be the scandal of this generation. It will be deemed to be the biggest harm ever done to our children and therefore to the upcoming generation of adults.

The trouble no screens is great in theory. The reality is that most parents have limits and screens provide down time. If he wants no screens at all he needs to be the one to put in the hard graft to make that happen. Unfortunately it sounds like he expects you to do all the hard work OP to keep up with his perfect idea of parenting.

I don’t necessarily disagree with that but there’s a difference between putting the tv on for an hour or so and playing a game as a family, and having iPads for every eventuality.

Screens have gone from something which is a part of life to life itself in some families.

I’m with your husband. At 6 and 3 no way do they need screen time.

This.

If you share parenting, I broadly agree with him. I use tv for the odd lie in. It's best not to use them if you can, and a big plus of campervan holidays for us was a screen detox... always found they'd almost forgotten about them when we got home and didn't ask for a while.

Mine is considered an extreme position amongst people I know, and I never mention it in real life as people think you're judging them.

Edited to add: and on campervan holidays you are both genuinely 50:50 parenting so it's actually the best time to do without screens!

I'd find the "I am right and you are wrong no discussion" attitude a real problem, especially when it gets to it being a dealbreaker over the campervan. Has he been as bullish over anything else? @LemonyCoughSyrup has already made the point that I was going to make about books and reading (especially stories shock horror) being bad for children and women (not men for some reason) I can remember my parents being asked why they allowed me to "always have my nose in a book" If he has views about how you parent, surely its up to him to supply the alternative? By this I don't just mean supplying the books or suggesting the activity but taking on the actual interaction and supervision and doing it in a way that lets you have your time out or get your jobs done or whatever. Its like the Uterus meme.....no input no opinion!

I grew up in the 60s and 70s and had a much better life without screens. I used to go on lovely camping trips with my aunt, uncle and cousins and we had a fantastic time without screens. I absolutely hate seeing children with screens.
Dsis and her husband are teachers 20 years younger than me and their small kids have no screens at all. They are great kids and know how to amuse themselves and are so intelligent and curious about everything.
I'm with your husband on this one.

Another teacher agreeing with this.

I don't agree at all. The world is different now and children should get used to technology and screens in a short and managed way. They use them in nurseries around here for that reason.

Wheh I grew up every kid I knew spent hours and hours in front of the television every day. Sure we played outside too, but the tv was our babysitter. When computers came in we used those all the time too. It isn't a totally new thing as I'm in my 40s.

I think they can be used in a limited and educational age appropriate way without issues. In a Korean nursery where i worked children were starting to learn very basic programming using a screen and controllable mouse. I thought this was a good use of it.

Plus, your husband needs to accept your a parent too and your voice should be heard as well.