How to deal with anti-screen DH

[Rainingharder]

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

I suppose you just have to resign yourself to the fact that your children are unlikely to grow up to be software engineers. Your husband is certainly a hyporcritical prig right now.

I don't think you'll enjoy parenting in a canpervan. Either of you. Spend that money on something you can picture enjoying together

You don't need his permission. Whilst I agree that most kids get too much screen time as a mother of three young ones I totally understand that at various points throughout the day you need to keep them still and safe whilst you do other things. If you need to put the tv on for 20 mins then do it - just make sure what they are watching is age appropriate or even educational. If he doesn't like it he can either suck it up or he can sit with them and entertain them. My husband is abit like this and in Fairness when he is around he does sit with them but when he's not and I need some time to get things done I put on YouTube and let them sit and watch something for a while. Usually it's something educational like alphablocks or Kids Learning Tube. I do notice that their behaviour is worse after I switch it off but it's something I'm willing to put up with.

I’m surprised so many posters are agreeing with your DH. To me he sounds incredibly rigid & controlling, I honestly couldn’t live like that. Is he like that in other areas too OP?
In terms of screen time we are pretty relaxed & have been since covid because we both had to work from home with DD off nursery! She’s generally good at self regulating now & at entertaining herself without always needing to be on a screen. I think you’re on a hiding to nothing with banning this sort of thing, the world has changed & we’re dependent on screens in so many areas of life. Look at the majority of adults on their phones! I’m not saying it’s good but it’s ironic that we’re all having this discussion on Mumsnet on our screens!

I think there’s a distinction between tv and iPads etc. IPads and apps are designed to be addictive and neither of my children (10 and 6) have one. They do watch TV however, which I have no problem with. Can you compromise on no interactive devices but half an hour of tv here and there as needed? You have a say too!

Agree with this. OP you shouldn't feel like a bad parent for wanting a break now and then.
I personally disagree with your husband. I'm sure we all agree that too much screen time is bad but I don't agree with banning them completely. We don't actually have any limits, however, if I feel they've been on screens too long I'll get them doing another activity. I also make sure they have plenty of fresh air and exercise. If they've had exercise, done their homework, done house chores etc I really don't see a problem with them being on screens in their spare time.
My children are now 14 and 11 and much of their socialising, school work etc is done on screens.

Genuine question- why YouTube and not CBeebies? YouTube is designed to keep you watching and I think it encourages people to consume mindless content as they get older

I do think children use screens too much. However, a lot of these replies seem to assume that the OP is only referring to iPads etc, the husband also wants 0 hours TV. I don't see a problem with letting kids watch a specifically chosen downloaded TV program while your cooking their meal for example.

I agree with him on the camper. We did a motor home holiday when our kids were a bit older and had it no screen time. It was brilliant. He needs to pull his weight though.

At home I agree you can have a little. For sanity purposes. How about that as a compromise? But he needs to promise to do his share with the kids in the camper.

Audio books are good.

An hour a day at 3 and 6 isnt actually minimal it's a decent amount?! Are you including tv in that or just devices like tablets?

As a fellow introvert with an extrovert DH I totally understand your need for quiet time to recharge. I have adult children and iPads and the like were only being invented as my DCs were in their teens. Screen time was CBeebies or cartoon videos (mine loved scooby doo and horrible history videos). We used to have a battery operated/ charge off the car battery portable dvd player and they would sit on car journeys and holiday mornings with half an ear piece in each and watch for an hour or so. Kept them quiet and happy. Would your DH compromise with something like that? I assume they are still available somewhere. Presumably less harmful than internet connected devices and you can monitor a lot more easily. Plus all the fun of going into cex or somewhere similar and choosing dvds.

I don't think the issue is screens per as, I think it's how you and your husband negotiate compromise and decide your parenting style together. This sounds like it's become a totem issue.

For what it's worth I broadly agree with your husband about screens (my husband and I were on the same page about this luckily) but I totally disagree with him strongarming you into his parenting strategy. He's doing damage to your relationship in the name of protecting the children. There needs to be more flex here.

How about you suggest half an hour of a good quality programme on CBBC while you cook tea and when they’re tired and grumpy, with the alternative being he gets home early enough to cover that half hour?

I do see the positives in keeping screen time low (I have two big readers, which I think is partly because screens largely weren’t available to them), but for me there was a point in the day where it was better to have screentime planned in rather than have tantrums and shouting and tears.

Having just read a thread where a poster says their not quite 3 year old goes downstairs alone early some mornings and sits on the sofa with an iPad, I can see where your dh is coming from!

Sometimes, you do whatever gets you through the day

I was ready to say ‘YES, your dh is right! Screens shouldn’t have a place in children’s life, esp, when they are that young’.

And then I realise you’re talking about 30 mins in the am and 30mins in the evening of TV. Not iPad, console games etc….

At that point, I’m with you. And even more so because when he isn’t the one doing the ‘going to school’ in the am or prepping dinner in the evening. And gets resentful when HE has to be the parent who is on the deck 100% of the time.

I’d recommend he reads his research articles again, and check what they mean by ‘screens’ too. Because I’m pretty sure it’s about iPad, phones etc…. Not about 1 hour if TV - which we all did as children.

Btw, is he watching TV in the evening? Does he use his phone/ipad to read the news, scroll SM or watch YouTube? Because if he does, he is also a hugely hypocritical

I assume he doesn't watch TV?

I hate all this 'banning'

Just choose what they watch carefully. There are excellent programmes out there (as opposed to YouTube), fun and educational. I don't like all of Cbeebies output but my DGC learned some signing from Mr Tumble, thoroughly enjoyed Hey Duggee (so did I ) and one or two others.

There are also some excellent games (wish I could remember specific ones)

And they are allowed to have fun.

I think an hour a day if you're with them ALL day is okish but if they're in childcare than an hour a day must be a massive % of their play/awake time at home. Especially for the 3yo.
Mine get 20/30mins of the big TV max and they're with me ALL day. Don't use tablets or phones with them except on airplanes.

Btw, as he is a teacher, he had plenty of time to be the main parent during the hols.

Have you ever switch roles? So he is becoming the main parent during the hols. Does breakfast, (can’t take them to school) gets them ready, does tye chores around the house around the dcs p, prep dinner at the end if the day, all Wo screens.
Because I’m actually thinking he has no clue - despite being a teacher - in how hard it is. Home isn’t school and children don’t behave the same way 😁😁 and I’m not sure he realises, eg, how hard it is the prepare dinner on your own with two tired children fighting/wanting his attention/having a tantrum.

This might be a eye opener for him.

But really, he should be able to listen AND BELIEVE YOU when you say that you actually need those 30 mins of TV to make it all manageable.
The fact he insists and push for you to do things his way with no care for the consequences for you (which I imagine you’ve spelled out to him) is crap. Because this means he doesn’t believe you or believes you’re not trying hard enough. Agd that shouldn’t have a place on a respectful marriage.

Well done….

Except its not different than what the OP does.
Because you dint have the ‘getting to school and getting myself ready for work’ stress to deal with. So yes no TV in the am is much easier.

And then…. 30 mins in the evening - just like the OP- to prepare dinner.

This is not all about screens. It is about his (well meaning) obsession with screen time, and that obsession may drift into other obsessions about parenting. At those ages the children are not bringing into the home many external ideas. As they get older they learn about other things and will want to try them.
As parents we lose control of what they learn and what they want to learn. A quiet life and successful family will be the result of a continuous state of negotiations. Is DH ready for that?

As someone whose kids have no screens I agree with him. If you give them 30 minutes here and there so you can have a break it’s not going to hurt them but it does mean they don’t get used to the idea that when mum’s busy they have to amuse themselves. Honestly if you have no screens they really do get the hang of it.

On the other hand, your DH has to listen to your pov. He sounds a bit rigid about this.

I wish I had your DH. Sorry but he's 100% right. As a parent of older children who started out like this, but became more relaxed, I have deep regrets. They are extremely detrimental to child development. Unfortunately, even a little leads to problems as they are so addictive and will be preferred over all other past times.

1 hour a day is far too much for a 6yo let alone 3yo.

My 8yo doesn't use screens at all during the week except homework related. He gets an hour each weekend day but during the week M-F he is fine without any need for screens. He is book crazy though, so I think he actually replaced screens for books.

Ha! My kids grew up in the 90s with the tv on all the time. They would watch the same things on repeat. They all highly educated and successful.

He's being very unreasonable, and creating a problem where there isn't one. He will drive them to watching things in secret when older.
Can you compromise by not letting them in the internet? Only TV shows where they can't go down unsavoury rabbit holes?