How to deal with anti-screen DH

[Rainingharder]

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

I think if it's no telly than that's a bit draconian. I bet he watched TV when he was 6.

Tablets and phones I totally agree with him, or any telly with loads of ads or YouTube with ads.

Mine used to sit enraptured by films, the old Disney ones and studio gibli. I actually think watching films and having to concentrate to follow the story is really good for kids.

If you don't have tablets then how are you going to watch TV in the camper van anyway?

Tbh OP I think you're getting skewed responses because you used the term 'screens', which most people consider to be phones or tablets now I think.

I don't think there's anything wrong with them watching some children's TV while you make dinner etc. Channels like Cbeebies are curated and planned for children and many of the programs are educational and not overstimulating. I do think your husband is being unfair on both you and your children to not allow that.

Obviously ideally children would be playing and reading etc constantly but in reality it's not always that easy without parental involvement, especially when they're very young. And a little bit of TV, which will show things they both will and won't be interested in, is not the same as being sat with their noses in tablets constantly flicking from video to video on YouTube.

What screens does your DH use to do all of this googling research that he keeps assailing you with? I assume he is using a phone, laptop or tablet. Will he include that in his no screens policy? Lead by example, you know.

We never had the TV on before school in the mornings when mine were young. They were allowed it in the evening once homework had been done though.

Is he also saying no TV, movie nights, cinema? If so then I would be telling him to stuff his research up his arse.

Everything in moderation for me. I think your approach sounds fair and balanced. His is overly obsessive and zealous. I'd rather say goodbye to the campervan idea, but then I am not a fan of camping in any of its forms.

I'd be willing to bet that if he is left to implement his own policy and take over more of the parenting then he revises some of his ideas pretty quickly.

At those ages, I agree with him.

I can't imagine toddler years without some cbeebies. In the Night garden especially!

I agree with him about no screens on holidays in the van. We never had any screen time on holiday (although was less of a things to have constant access to iPad/iphone)

I think if it’s and hour or two of CBeebies or a Disney film a day that’s fine but I also work in education and the negative impact of screen time is huge. His way is draconian by today’s typical parenting standards but long term your children will reap the benefits.

Totally agree.

It's all hyped up, and is a part of parenting.

Is he also suggesting that the adults need to be entirely screenfree on these holidays?

It sounds unbearable being told what you can and can't do with your children.

I didn't have screens at that age really but this would make me want them! Now kids are 10 and 12 it's just part of daily life (and school!)

There's nothing nicer than snuggling up with a film together or seeing kids click with timetables etc using an online game. My boy knows all the flags of the world thanks to an app and my DD is learning another language on duolingo.

Your DH is talking rubbish.

I get where he’s coming from about screens but the bigger issue I think is his ‘my way or the highway’ attitude he seems to be developing.

Saying he’s going to pull out of the van sale and trying to force his opinions that he’s right, you’re wrong with no compromise is not ok. It’s controlling and overbearing and I think that’s the bigger issue here.

Your husband sounds bullying and controlling.
He isn't around much but wants to control how you parent your children whilst he is not around?

That is highly abusive behaviour.
Threatening to pull out of the purchase?
Again, abusive threats.
Take this seriously.
This is not normal healthy behaviour.

I can 100% understand his reservations about screen time.
But bullying, controlling behaviour and threats, are not the way to resolve this.

Talk to Women's aid because I think this can't be your only issue with his behaviour.

You sound like a "boiled frog analogy".

I never allowed screens before school. I thought it disruptive, but that is me.

He's right.

I’m a bad bad mom. I’m currently writing this in bed while my 7yo is in the next room talking to her friend on my phone and playing Roblox on her tablet. She can’t face chat and play at the same time as she has an old Amazon fire tablet.

My 10yo, I’ve no idea where she is probably curled up in a ball on her tablet, watching YouTube, drawing on it, playing games, chatting to her friends.

12yo is also in bed, I’m guessing trying to sleep as I heard her just shout at the 7yo for being too loud.

I have chronic health conditions so don’t have the energy to spend every second supervising, playing and doing stuff with them.

This is 2024, screens are here to stay, it’s how they are used that needs to be taught.

My DDs have used them over the holidays to play games with their friends, draw, create new projects, chat to their friends, watch YouTube (I’m not a fan of this one), practise their times tables, watch movies, watch tv…

They have also visited other cities, spent days at the beach, traveled overseas, ran through fields of flowers, played crazy golf, visited multiple parks, been swimming, done wild shore aqua inflatables, been roller skating, had picnics, taken the dog for walks in the forest and on and on…

Your DH is being a bully OP

edited as hit post too soon

Devices come with rules here, time isn’t necessarily restricted but content and behaviour is. If we say devices go off they do with no arguments or sulking, we check messages and what they have been doing when ever we see fit with no arguments. We do not have any problems, our DDs know the rules and that they get far more flexibility and freedoms than others. Anytime anything seems remotely wrong/unacceptable they tell us and we check nothing untoward is going on.

My DH has always been a gamer, he’s an introvert with adhd, computers and games were/are his safe space. He makes sure all locks are in place and monitors the devices.

It's quite different. If your kids are only at home/ together, awake and playing for 2 hours and 1hour is screen time. Then they'll not learn how to chill at home without screens or how to play quietly together. There's a whole bunch of exciting stuff/ people/stimulations at childcare. They need to learn to be a bit bored and make their own entertainment.

If they're with you 12hours a day awake/ playing and spend 25mins watching TV. They've probably already spent hours chilling and playing together.

Also oddly enough we do leave the house everyday. My eldest goes to school, so yes I have the school run. I dress myself and my kids everyday so I don't think that's any excuse! And I work in the evenings so have to get ready again!

You say you have done screen free over the summer, how did it go?

I have the exact same age children and we have been screen free (other than watching some Olympics together) for the last 3 months. I found it far easier to do than I was expecting and was amazed how quickly the kids forgot about the tv, especially the 3 yr old who had a tendency to get hooked. But the benefit of it has been less easy to define. For my 3 yr old I have seen huge improvement in her creativity and language and gross movement skills (although this could have happened anyway) and together they certainly play better now. My 6 yr old was never that bothered, would watch some tv and then go play and would always prefer to play with someone over watching tv. I can’t honestly say I’ve noticed any positive difference for her and maybe even a negative impact. I think sitting still and watching a movie and letting her brain switch off a bit after a week at school is actually good for her.

so I think that the effect tv has on kids is hugely personal. I’m considering reintroducing ‘Friday movie night but nervous about what it being a slippery slope for my 3 yr old.

i think for your family there is a compromise to be had, personally I’d agree to ditching it before school and on holiday with the compromise of allowing it weekend mornings and/or whilst you cook dinner in the week or something similar.

Before that, kids were routinely spending a lot of time on different types of screen still. TVs and the pre smart phone and tablet computer games. If you mean the pre-screen era, the answer is that a lot of the time, the entertainment aspect of parenting was being met by the kids on the street. Especially with the 6 year old. And in a way that isn't likely to be an option today. We no longer have access to the social infrastructure that was there before widespread screens and technology.

Dd doesn't really allow screen time for dgs, and now at 5 and a half he really doesn't like screens. I do childcare for dgs and tend to entertain him like I used to entertain dd and her siblings. It's definitely more demanding of my time than if he would watch a little TV. We play lots of board games, he was playing simple Orchard Toys games before he was three. He likes jigsaws and lego so we do lots of jigsaws and building lego. When I need to cook I set up an activity and tell him he needs to play by himself for a while. The issue dd now has is that dgs is very resistant to screens and school use an app for maths to be done at home so she gets nagged constantly by the school as dgs won't do the requisite hour a week.

Kids playing with other kids is not completely far fetched. Yes they can’t always play in the street as they used to but plenty of kids have gardens and siblings. You can make a proactive effort to have friends over. You can drop older ones off at the park for an hour.

The issue dd now has is that dgs is very resistant to screens and school use an app for maths to be done at home so she gets nagged constantly by the school as dgs won't do the requisite hour a week.

Gosh. That's very unusual

It sounds as though your daughter has criticised technology to your grandson so he is resistant

Otherwise I'd have thought he'd be interested in the new ness of the idea / concept

I didn't say it was, as that would be ludicrous. However, you asked what people did before smartphones and tablets. Assuming you were actually harking further back and not referring to Gameboys, Nickelodeon and videos, that is the answer. Much, much more easily available engagement with other children in the vicinity than is usually available today.

The examples you give here are proving my point. OP cannot leave a 6 or 3 year old at the park while she gets the tea on, and it's no use saying what might be doable in years to come. This is happening now. Having a friend over with children this age is just as likely to result in more work and needing more supervision than less. It is not the same or even remotely akin to there being children to play with in the immediate vicinity, plus a physical environment where they'd be more likely to be able to safely play without parental supervision. Entertaining children is an aspect of parenting that used to be much more easily outsourced to other kids nearby, and simply removing tablets doesn't get that back.

@Bestyearever2024 Not criticised it to dgs it was just never an option, he didn't ask and still doesn't and he has lots of toys and dd is really good at playing with him. He's never asked here and he enjoys the occasional rebellion at Granny's over other things. He finds screens really overwhelming, the noise and the movement I think.

You don't need to send your kids to the park on their own 😆 just let them get bored in the house for 20 minutes until they get so bored they start playing with something.

I think moderation is key.

I've 4.5 year-old twins. They had no screens at all until age 2. Now, they have no TV during the week, but can watch a couple of hours of TV at weekends. They like Disney movies, and shows like Paw Patrol/Peppa Pig.

I used to give them an iPad to look at YouTube, but I hated the way they had no attention span, and kept flicking to another video. So I took it away, and surprisingly there were very few complaints.

I'm not militant - occasionally my daughter likes to look at photos of herself on my phone, or they can watch a bit of TV in Granny's house. But the best thing I did was taking away the iPad. I'll try to delay gaming for as long as possible too, and then will have tight controls on it.

The argument that screens help parents by giving them a break is fine- I have no issue with that.

The argument that young children need to learn how to use screens (or they'll never be a programmer) is nonsense. Speaking, fine and gross motor skills, socialising, reading and writing are complex and take years to develop. Screens are designed to be ridiculously intuitive and simple. Adults who didn't see them until later life can generally use them fine. You're sacrificing time needed for children to develop those aforementioned complex skills - people are kidding themselves if they think devices are more educational than almost anything else a young child could be doing with their time.

Edited to clarify that my post is clearly not aimed at you OP who's making the first, perfectly valid argument.

It wasn’t me that asked but never mind!

Historically many mothers would not have allowed the 3 year old out to play in the street. He would probably have played around her feet or with siblings nearby. In the first 3-4 years you do need to keep an eye on them a lot but if they learn to manage without screens, by 5 or 6 you mostly won’t need them.