How to deal with anti-screen DH

[Rainingharder]

My DH has become very militant and strict about restricting screen time with our DC (6&3). He works in education and has listened/read a lot around the subject, and would basically like to ban all screen time completely. Our kids currently have very minimal anyway (max 1 hour a day, if that), but he would like to stop it all. The thing is, I mostly agree with him about the benefits of limiting screen time, but I do think some times it has its uses, eg to enable us to have a lie in at the weekend, which in turn enables me to be a better parent as I’m less tired.

We are in the process of buying a campervan, and his latest thing is that any time we go away in it we have to ban all screens completely. I’m all for switching off, and spending more time together, but I’m an introvert (and a knackered mum!) and I think a little here and there isn’t harmful, and gives us a break. It needs to be a holiday for us too! I don’t feel we need to be so extreme. He’s now talking about pulling out of the sale of the van as that’s a dealbreaker for him, no screens at all, whereas I think there’s more of a middle ground that enables everyone to rest well.

Basically I just don’t know how to talk to him about a compromise, as he is becoming obsessively restrictive, and brandishes all the research about how damaging screen time is, when I would like there to be a little more compromise. But each time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m completely in the wrong because screens=devil and how could I possibly defend them…

Well I know I’m old and irrelevant, but I grew up without screens (we had no television) and my kids grew up with kids television, but otherwise no screens. What did we do? Play, imaginative play with each other, board games, LEGO, reading, helping mum with whatever she was doing, helping Dad at weekends, dressing up, playing in the garden, having a friend round - and on holiday going for walks, collecting shells, climbing trees, visiting new places. Screens are easy but they kill any imaginative play - he’s right

@Marchingonagain we don't have a tv license so it's YouTube or a dvd only in our house. With youtube I just make up playlists of things they would like so no issue if it runs over.

According to research recently done at Oxford University moderate screen time is good for child development and total bans are harmful. Your DH is not up to date with his 'research'.

www.forbes.com/sites/ericmack/2019/10/22/oxford-study-challenges-what-youve-been-told-about-screen-time-and-kids-for-years/

Apologies, but the point remains. Whoever asked, nobody said kids ever playing with other kids is far fetched. But the comparison is a bad one because so much has changed. The world that existed pre screens no longer does, and you don't get it back just by removing them.

Also loads of 3 year olds would've been out playing, not alone but with older kids. This was still happening even when I was growing up, and I'm only middle aged. And the claim about 5 or 6 is a massive generalisation.

"It’s worth noting here that all this data is based on the subjective reporting of the caregivers that were surveyed, which could be prone to considerable biases given the close relationships between caregiver and child"

Read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haight.

There's always one parent who has firm ideas on parenting. Unfortunately, instead of talking about it, he's giving dogmatic authoritarian commands, controlling, and overbearing.

@Rainingharder he's being a dick. He shouldn't have kids with another person if he can't compromise at all, and it sounds like he can't. He should adopt kids and be a single parent doing everything exactly as he wants. Parents will inevitably have a view of things like screens, diet, sleep and as they get older curfews and other freedoms. Unless there are actual
Safety issues they have to compromise with the other parent

I've read through two threads this evening where posters are bashing the OP for not doing everything perfectly be it meals, or screen time or whatever. But the simple fact is good enough is most often good enough. We don't need to be perfect in every area. For example, I'm great at cooking meals, but crap at days out, especially now that the DC are older. There's nothing wrong with the desire for improvement, but holding oneself to an impossible standard in every area of parenting is a recipe for anxiety. Excel where you can and forgive yourself for areas you don't. I remember the days when "fed and not dead" was an oft repeated phrase on here. We should bring back that level of support on Mumsnet, it's feels so competitive these days.

That said, if I had my time again I would not buy my DC any screens as they are so addicted to them now that they are older. As it is my 10yo shouts at her friends all day playing Minecraft (although from this evening she won't be seeing the switch unless it is a weekend). Each to their own and all that!

It’s not going to kill imaginative play with two 30 mins session of TV though.

Im not keen on screens and actually have avoided them for as long as I could with my dcs. That is until it made a pariah socially because they couldn’t join in or people wouldn’t come to the house ‘because there is nothing to do’…..

That’s the thing, in real life I don’t know anyone that’s as hardline about screen time as they seem to be on mumsnet. Well perhaps one actually & that’s my friend’s brother whose DD is only allowed to watch TV on a Sunday & he wouldn’t even make an exception over Christmas when her cousin wanted to watch the Snowman. Can totally see how being very rigid about it could mean that your children got excluded from play dates.

Thanks everyone for your replies - ironically for this thread my phone broke today and I couldn’t reply 😂

I agree with a lot that’s been said - I am taking tv here (not tablets/consoles, with the exception of the odd game on the ancient Wii, which we play together. I dislike YouTube etc for kids) - the emphasis is on technology in its proper place. So family movie nights totally fine. I do actually mostly agree with him about the risks of too much screen time (yes I have read the anxious generation etc…), but the pp who have said this is more an issue about control I think have hit the nail on the head. One pp talked about how he’s going to run into issues further down the line as he tries to Impose his own passionately held values with little flexibility. I guess I’m just wanting there to be a little more compromise, and not so much moral wrangling about how we are ruining our children with every single parenting decision. He’s very condescending and critical of friends or family who have laxer rules, and puts down every misbehaviour from their children directly corralating with their screen time.
When we did screen free summer I didn’t really notice any difference with either of their behaviour!

to the pp asking about the use of tech in teaching - he’s super against the trajectory of how much tech is used in schools and thinks it’s very irresponsible of councils / govt to be pushing this. Probably why he is trying to retain as much control at home as possible…

but this has made me reflect a lot on the dynamic of control we have in our relationship and how we probably need to address that! Thanks everyone for the replies

"Dynamic of control" interesting comment

I’m with DH… it might be easier in the short term to give in to screens but in the long run not using screens will be a great benefit to your kids and to you.
my kids are teens now and have had limited screen time especially under 11/12 before high school, now they use computers a lot for school work, but apart from that they don’t pester for gaming time. They can go weeks without it and not worry, then be on a lot when friends round in holidays etc but school work gets done, they engage with us playing board games, read play lots of sports etc which I see taper off for lots of ‘ gamer’ friends. I’m not saying don’t give them any, but use it sparingly!

Your kids already get little screen time compared to average. I'd be more concerned about where this is all coming from? What does he think will be the end result? Does he think they'd be spoiled, violent, obsessive? What exactly?
He doesn't sound like he's interested in your opinion or feelings at all. The internet, social media, TV, etc all have positives as well as negatives.
Video games are proven to improve hand eye coordination. TV and internet can be immensely educational as well as entertaining.
When they're older they'll have to be online to get, do and submit their homework.
I'm not saying he's wrong to want limits but he also needs to understand he'll have to help find a way you both agree on not just his way.
Why not compromise on keeping the current limits at home, banning it in campervan then review every year as they get older? If you are finding the brunt of dealing with them falls to you when you're in campervan then make sure he steps up and does his share of keeping them amused so you get some peace. It's all very well banning screens but he's got to be the one playing with them instead then.

Is he the same about Ultra processed food and other best parenting practices? He doesn't get to decree something that you have to follow through with without your consent.

Kids can entertain themselves while you have a lie in without screens. And screens while camping is an absolute no for us (electronics in general, other then an e-reader and headlamps). Sorry, w your dh on this one. And a HR a day is a lot for 3 and 6. We don't completely ban screens, but we do put them in to watch things as a family (and probably too much, but we do talk about the shows together).

Hmm at first I was feeling more on the agreement with your DH until I read more of your updates and realised you don't allow your children on iPads etc the only screen time they have is tv. I think he is taking it a bit far, the research is based on hand held devices.

Tv doesn't have the same impact unless its constraint YouTube or like a pp said that awful co co melon as they're quite addictive but a cartoon on crbeebies isn't going to have the same negative affect.

I also think having banning things makes them
more attractive, allowing a little bit and controlling it which it sounds like you are is a healthier approach. I know someone who was brought up in a house where sweets were banned, as soon as they could they started sneaking and gorging on sweets and as an adult they have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food.

I mean he’s right

Smile demurely and mindfully :-)

Agree to the screen ban for the camper van.

Send the three of them off for a wet week together.

Yes ^

By screens do you mean tv? Actual tv like cbeebies ? Or a tablet they hold?
Moderation is great . A dictatorship with controlling behaviour just leads to negativity in family life. This may all back fire in the long run .

Surely in the camper you will have your phones with you?

If he doesn't want the kids watching screens while you make tea then he needs to make the tea. If he is working later than the children's tea then he needs to make it before he goes to work and you can microwave it later.

I agree with taking the camper with no screens and see if he changes his mind.

I was brought up in the 1970s and 1980s so watched a lot of TV, but on holiday we often didn't have a TV and we managed. If fact it was great to do things like play cards.

He’s not being unreasonable exactly and nor are you. But does he do the same as you in terms of interacting with them, encouraging play, etc…..? Cos I’d be pretty pissed of if my DH left all of that to me yet had the cheek to preach about screen time so I could get a little downtime. Is he sharing in the getting up at 6am to see to them because he won’t tolerate some screen time? I can picture him being all militant about no screens but when the kids are bored and asking for their iPads him looking to you to do something with them! Also, I need to laugh at all the people preaching what did they do before gadgets etc… TV has been around since, what, the fifties? And games consoles since the nineties. We move with the times, it’s a mode of entertainment and it can be good for learning if we let them access the right things and it doesn’t interfere with them doing other things and being rounded people.
I think an hours limit a day is perfectly reasonable at appropriate times. Obviously on holiday you don’t want them on screens when they could be playing and exploring. But a half hour in the morning while you and he get ready, and a half hour in evening time I don’t see a problem with.

Well I'm old too and I disagree

Used judiciously they are a wonderful tool

No screens is fine, but at the moment screen time gives you a break.

If he wants no screens, he needs to give you a break instead.

So if he wants no screens in the camper, he needs to commit to taking the kids out to give you a break. Same with the lie ins.