Who pays on dates?

[50andhopeless]

I am not from the UK. I am dating again at 50. If someone from OLD asks you out, who is expected to pay on the first date? On the following dates?

The man

I offered to split the bill on first date with my current partner but he insisted on paying so I said ok, thank you, I’ll pay next time. Five years later we still follow this and just take it in turns to pay unless it’s a birthday in which case the other will pay.

It would depend
If he asked me , I would probably expect him to pay but would always offer my share
Then next time would be my turn , making that very clear
If I didn't intend to see him again - I'd probably insist on paying

Some will disagree with me but traditionally I would like the man to pay but def no expectation and then equal spends after

You’ll get a real mix of opinions on here. I’m afraid the answer is ‘it depends’. On you, and on your date.

Personally, I think the person who does the asking pays for the date. However, I’m very married and have been out of the dating game for a while.

Split the date. Pay your way.

Well men are often still expected because men are often the higher earners, however I would prefer to split the bill.

More and more women are the higher earner or equal now, so that doesn’t really stand,

I'd offer to split.

If I wanted to see him again and he offered to pay the whole bill, I'd graciously accept.

If I didn't want to see him again and he offered to pay the whole bill, I'd try to insist on splitting.

If I wanted to see him again and he agreed to split then I wouldn't see him again

No recent experience whatsoever. But my own preference would certainly be to split the bill on a first date. And then once dating regularly to take turns. If one side is clearly earning more than they might pay for the more expensive dates or pay more often.

There have been a number of threads about this.

I'm always ready to pay my way, but if a man is insistent and there's likely to be a second date, I will let him pay (which is a change from my younger days, when I would have insisted. Which may be why I didn't get many dates.) I also think the person who asks shoukd be ready to pay.

It depends. I am often a cheap date on a first date (a Coke and a small snack,) so I don't feel guilty about them paying. If it were a three course meal in a swanky restaurant, I would be more insistent on paying my way.

I was also out of work for 16 months. I was okay with being bought a meal by men with a decent income when mine was nil.

You split the cost. Then there is no expectation of anything more iyswim.

Don't suggest a 3 course meal in case the date doesn't work out. Settle on a nice cafe maybe so you won't feel guilty if he pays and splitting the bill won't be the end of the world if needs be. Most men won't mind paying at the start if your making an effort to get to know them.

Split the bill I would just meet for half an hour for a coffee for the first couple of dates

I would split the bill without a doubt. I wouldn’t want to feel indebted.

That is pretty depressing.

I would normally pay for the first drink. He can get the second if it’s going well enough for there to be one. It would have been rare I was the lower earner, I didn’t want them to feel I was taking the piss and I also wanted it not to feel like I was beholden to them. It’s a drink not a diamond necklace.

A first date wouldn’t have been more than a couple of drinks and after that you can just take it in turns.

As PP said, ‘it depends’ (in the UK and elsewhere (have several nationalities with very different traditions)) : these days I’d say go for 50/50 if it’s a casual place, it just makes things less complicated (or the date insists, and you offer the next time as mentioned above also).
It all very much depends what kind of date though ! If your date is suggesting an expensive restaurant or a casual coffee/pub/… It’s up to you really how you adapt, just be wary of setting expectations maybe (don’t feel pressured to an expensive place and tons of drinks added on the tab for instance).

The way the interactions go will usually give you an idea of how any future together may go in any case, so maybe just stick to your own way of hoping things would work rather than any UK (or other, including if you’re in a multicultural dating scene) societal expectations (of which for OLD most will just be improvising on a first date anyway!).

Hope all goes well 🌼

The man.

Can’t remember the last time I paid on a first date.

But he wouldn’t have asked you out to a 3-course dinner at a swanky restaurant if he couldn’t pay, so just let him pay.

Haha I would assume the same thing for that kind of date tbh, then again it has been several years and I’ve never done it that way (how do you escape if you really just don’t click otherwise ha), coffee/drink(s) is plenty enough for the first for me.

As for the many threads I assumed OP was new to the UK but I might have misunderstood (too much moving around and sleep deprivation atm - might start my own thread on how not to lose your mind with the love of your world who could also just sleep peacefully a little for a change🌼).

Hope all goes well OP, try not to overthink first dates would be my general advice, otherwise you’ll end up with a lot of overthinking 🌼

I would always offer to split or pay myself, especially if I chose the place or invited them out.

I feel very uncomfortable with always letting the other person pay, even now I have been with DP for many years. We take turns now, and I had to have a word with him about insisting when it was my turn. If it's a birthday the other person pays though as it's a treat rather than just a date.

I would split the bill

The man should pay. A lot of people on here disagree but I wouldn't go on a second date with a man who didn't offer to pay.

Split the bill seems fair to me 😊

That would be a logical conclusion, but don't make the assumption all men think things through logically...