Who pays on dates?

[50andhopeless]

I am not from the UK. I am dating again at 50. If someone from OLD asks you out, who is expected to pay on the first date? On the following dates?

It's best to keep things 50/50 with OLD for the first few dates. It could fizzle out very quickly. It's not fair for one party to keep paying just because they're men.

Who pays for the date i think the one who as offered the date pays for the date.

I used to split when I was dating a few years ago. IME the men who either insisted on paying were a bit chauvinistic or old fashioned (I probably out earned almost all of them) or expected something in return, the ones who didn't offer to split were not financially compatible - by far the nicest and most above board men I met were the ones who either suggested or accepted the offer to split. My now DP is a significantly wealthier person than me even though I earn a lot - we split for a fair few months and now take it in turns, which evens out.

That also means you get to mutually decide the venue. Which is a test of compatibility AFAIK.

I would want to split the bill.

My first date with now DH was over 44 years ago and we almost had an argument in the restaurant as I insisted on paying half.

Actually I get that - in the world of OLD you've not met the person first so not committing to an entire evening of dullards that have massively lied on their profile or who just aren't that interesting is sensible.

No.
If you're multi dating dinner and drinks will soon add up.
Even a coffee date that goes well can soon mount up.

So literally equal 🤷‍♀️
equality is what we’re striving for

Absolutely not. Some of the people I have met on OLD have not been worth my time to have dinner with, in fact some of my first dates have been shocking and I have a whole load of stories about them. Dinner is at least a second/third date.

The one thing you can't tell by text or online is if you are actually going to have some sort spark, some people come over totally different from the online profiles.

I'd say generally the one who asks pays, but as 'traditionally' the man usually asks, it typically falls on him.

If it's a mutually agreed date, then 50:50.

For those saying definitively, 'the man', personally, I feel this treads on dangerous ground. "He gets me" (in whatever capacity) in exchange for money, doesn't exactly sound like equality, and doesn't paint you in a great light.

Exactly
@Blacksplash Have you even done any OLD?
The first date is really just a weeder, to see if someone matches up to their profile.
In fact I wouldn't even consider it a 'date' really 😂

This problem doesn't exist with people you meet in real life and then ask out. It's an entirely different situation.

The second date IMO is a 'proper' first date.

I would always offer to split the bill but wouldn't fight it too much if they insisted, unless I knew I definitely wouldn't want to see him again!

I would never expect a man to pay. I would offer to spilt on the night, but if he was insistent I wouldn't be precious about it. I would make sure I pay next time.

I would always offer to pay half and wouldn’t judge a man for expecting that. In the past I have earned as much as most men I have dated so why wouldn’t I? (I am married now and my husband earns slightly less then me so I am mindful of that but we are both generous with each other). I admit that I like a man to treat me occasionally but I like to do the same in return- it is a gesture in affection and love rather than a transaction or how I measure my perceived worth.

OP- given your previous thread and choice of topic this time, I suspect any man who doesn’t pay doesn’t stand a chance. Which is disappointing given your repeated assertions that you are not looking for a meal ticket.

Btw to all those talking about militant feminists - my dad was born in the 1920s and I had a stay at home mum.

Why should men pay?

In this, as in life, I recommend starting as you mean to go on.

If you are looking for a financially stable, responsible father for the children you hope to have in a relationship with traditional roles, by all means use his offering to pay and being prepared to pay the bill as a way to weed out the people who will not be interested in that kind of life.

I'm financially comfortable. The last thing I'm looking for is someone who wants a traditional kind of relationship. It's important for me to demonstrate my independence by paying 50:50.

My preference is to take it in turns to choose and pay for the date. I would not be prepared to 'let' someone pay my way. Equally I do not enjoy spending time with a free loader who is happy for me to pay more than my way.

It's not unknown for my 'date' to be surprised to find that I'm only drinking water but happy to buy rounds. What they do with that knowledge tells me a lot about what kind of person they are. Finding out what a person is like is exactly what dating is for. I do actually prefer to get to know people before actually 'dating' but that isn't always possible.

You split it. After that, if you like each other, you can take turns or whatever. Don't set up a power imbalance at the outset unless you want to keep house for him in the future.

How is a drink more romantic than a coffee? There are erm 'romantic' and unromantic coffee places just as there are similar bars. In any case it's the conversation that matters more.

Don’t go in expecting someone to pay. I always offer to split or if drinks only I will always offer to buy at least one round. If they insist you on paying then it’s a win

Having read several of these - is this a fair summary?

1. if a guy offers to pay, and you offer to split but you actually wanted him to pay, if he accepts the offer to split and lets the woman pay half, then he’s stingy knob who needs to be dumped, even if you liked him up until then

2. if a guy offers to pay, and you offer to split but he insists to pay, and if you actually wanted to split, then he’s a patronising knob who needs to be dumped, even if you liked him up until then..

3 If a guy offers to pay then it means he’s just a dirty sex addict and is only thinking of one thing and is too skint to pay for a prostitute and should have his balls chopped off.

First date? A meal? I’d only be happy to split the bill, subsequent - taking turns is fine.

I won't let a man pay for me. Sorry.
It breeds expectations and they can fuck off with that.

I’m very firmly team coffee. Or tea.

It’s low key, low effort, low stress, and easy. I do appreciate that that’s kind of my personality though, to prefer this kind of relaxed meeting.

If a man invited me out for a meal before we’d even met (or even in the first month or so) I’d try to steer him towards something……less. I went on a picnic for a first meet once, that was lovely!