Who pays on dates?

[50andhopeless]

I am not from the UK. I am dating again at 50. If someone from OLD asks you out, who is expected to pay on the first date? On the following dates?

Dude - that is just wrong at so many levels that I don’t even know where to start!

Restaurants for first dates are excruciating. Always used to seem like a guarantee that the man in question would be so awful you'd want to flee after the starters.

"Easy to make your excuses and leave" is the most important requirement of a first date. Which is why - I know a lot of women hate them - I always enjoyed a good walking date (in decent weather of course).

I tried the brief cup of coffee on an afternoon but there's no romantic connotations at all so its hard to make things progress.

Oh, there can get connotations. You're doing coffee wrong.

Same..

The person who asked the other person out on the date should pay.

On first date you both pay, especially if it's your first meeting irl (and I'd leave it at coffee not a full meal in case it's a dud).
After that if the relationship develops go with what feels comfortable. Our second date he cooked me dinner and I brought him flowers! I'm pretty sure he paid after that but he also earned 20 times more than me!
When earnings were more equal (in other relationships) it fell in to a pattern of taking turns to pay. I often do this with my friends too.

I do feel sorry for men sometimes it’s true.

In this scenario.

1. the woman is a knob and he’s well rid
2. they are both a bit of a knob. poor communicators.

Should be split with no angst and good humour all round.

Maybe OLD sites should have a box for ‘I expect the man to pay’. Would save aggravation all round and save money for men.

There are no set rules. I don’t think you should expect the man to pay but if he does that’s great. Make sure you have a means of pay on you and when the bill comes just see how it plays out.

Depends on how you met surely. Meet via mutual friends, dinner party, joint hobby or sport etc where you have a rough idea what the other person is like then absolutely go for dinner or similar.

Meet via online dating where you have at best only the 'window dressing' version of someone then a simple drink or coffee is absolutely fine. OLD sadly is a bit of a numbers game and when I was doing it I treated any first meeting almost as a 'pre date' date just to see if there is any spark or chemistry and if there is the next meeting would be something a bit more substantial.

At the end of the day the dating landscape has changed considerably and for OLD the whole 'a man who does not pay is tight' schtick is wearing a bit thin for your typical professional woman as an excuse to not even contemplate opening their purse. I would always offer to pay on a dinner date, and I would always appreciate any sincere offer to go Dutch, not because I am 'tight' but because to me it speaks volumes about the attitude of the person sat opposite me. If the person just sits there full of expectation or skips off to powder her nose in the bathroom just as the bill arrives I would not make a fuss and just pay it but I would not be overly impressed and if absolutely zero effort was made to offer to pay for anything on the date there would probably not be a second date.

Expect to pay half but in my experience the man normally pays in the first date.
If the date isn't going well and you know you're not going to want to see him again then I'd insist on paying for my own meal.

If you're meeting up from off a dating site or app, then you're both there for the same thing - to date and find a relationship. You're doing an equal, mutual activity so the bill(s) for the date(s) should also be equal.

@Sfxde24 I love your idea of a tickbox ! It would work really well for me as a guy: I like clear, simple messages that do not require second-guessing.

To bad that your idea is obviously a joke that will never happen. A good joke, too! And my post was meant as a bit of a joke as well although I realised afterwards it did not sound that way.

But, here is a more serious question: if I am on a first date with a woman, and I like her, is there any advice how to figure out whether she is the sort of woman who will lose interest if I insist on paying, or the sort of woman who will lose interest if I do not insist on paying? Or a way to ask, without causing anyone to lose interest?

Because basically I do not care at all who pays for drinks or dinner, and I would hate for paying the bill versus splitting the bill to be deal breaker with anyone, but it appears that some people care quite a lot and read so much into it that guessing wrong may be unavoidable.

Who ever asked
For the date pays !

But what about online dating? You connect with someone in the hope of a date, that applies to both parties or you wouldn’t be doing it. The one who makes the first move and suggests meeting up isn’t the same as being asked out in the real world where you had no expectation of being asked out on a date.

I always attempt to split the costs on a first date.
I say attempt, not offer, because there's a difference between sheepishly asking 'do you want me to pay for my half?' or just pulling out your wallet and putting a few bills on the table. In the latter, he'd actively have to refuse and offer to pay for both of us.

If the date went well, I would let him pay, but be clear that I'd pay for the next date. And actually follow through next time. If the date didn't go well, I always pay my own share.

There are expections:

• If the date was planned as a surprise and I have no input on location and price range
• Birthday or celebratory dinners
• If he has clearly stated in advance that he'd like to treat me to a meal
• If I've made it clear that this venue isn't in my price range, and he insisted on going anyway.

In those cases I won't offer to pay.

I would just bring it up as a topic of conversation. It's clearly something that a lot of people have opinions on so it's easy to bring up as a sort of meta-dating conversation (so you'd be talking about "paying for dates" as a general concept rather than paying for the specific date you're on, though what she says will obviously help you work out the latter). It would also lead naturally on to subjects like the gender pay gap, maternity leave (if of a relevant age and inclination) and wage disparity (in whichever direction) so those are all useful to work out general compatibility as well.

I wouldn't worry about saying the wrong thing because even if I liked a guy to that point, and maybe fancied him - if we weren't aligned in terms of values I probably wouldn't want to date him anyway.

Communication is the key to a strong relationship so it follows that it's also the key to healthy dating. Say what you think and feel! Saves so much bother.

(That said when I dated I tended to bring up politics, religion and feminism all within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, which certainly threw some of them, but you're going to have to get to know those things anyway so no point wasting time. This is also the link between this thread and the "sleeping with someone on a first date" one.)

Been there, got the tshirt. 1st date coffee only. Offer, genuinely to split the bill. Insist if you do not want to see him again

If dinner for a second date, but let him pay if he insists. You pay for third

And for the posters who say most women earn equal or more. Most definitely not in my circle of 50 year old women. Only 3 of us do our of a very large extended circle

I would assume paying halves unless the other person offers. If they pay, then I would offer to pay next time. I think some men like to pay the first time but some are happier to split. I would accept the offer from a man who wanted to pay on the first date, but would feel uncomfortable if he insisted on paying every time.

I've never been on a date I couldn't afford to pay for, but I've also never paid or split a bill. Never bothered me either.

Why not?

Which for many, social convention dictates that the man does the asking, which is convenient.

Derrrr Because SOMEONE has to do jobs like the ones in social care. If everybody was in high flying careers instead of jobs how would our elderly be cared for. How would beds in hospitals become available if there was no one willing to do these jobs and there was no patient flow to make beds available. Hot news flash for you. Men arent falling over themselves to do these jobs And some people have jobs We cant all have careers. And its not only those with careers who deserve to date.

That doesn’t answer my question though. Presumably if more women than men take social care jobs, there are non-career men in other jobs with equivalent salary. It doesn’t explain why so few of the women in OP’s social circle earn less compared to the men.