Sleeping with someone on the first date

[LegalAlienated]

Has this ever developed into a relationship?
I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing?
(Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

Yes, but his narcissistic mindset and actions began with a casual view of sex and desensitising himself to it being anymore than sport, hence I wouldn’t be interested in a relationship with someone who thinks that way. Having very strong boundaries and knowing what I do and do not want, does not signal a need for counselling……it is a worldview. I consider sex as sport to be mentally damaging to the majority of individuals who haven’t desensitised themselves enough to live that way, those who have desensitised themselves, I would consider them too narcissistic and self seeking to ever consider as good partner material. So this is my view- which doesn’t need to be counselled around to a different view. Anything from my past is healed, it has just confirmed exactly what I am looking for IF I decide I want to be in a relationship again. Hopefully you all know exactly what you would be looking for also and don’t waste too much time with losers.

Same here! 14 years and two kids later :)

If you'd have asked me before then I probably would've said it's not something I'd do!!

With all due respect. You have no clue where his narcissism came from.

You are assuming it came from casual sex.

You are projecting his views onto other people.

You don't sound healed.

I think Parisian is conflating people who have HAD sex on a first date with people who HAVE sex routinely on a first date. Nothing wrong with either IMO but there’s a big difference between having sex with loads of people Willy nilly and feeling a connection with someone you just met and wanting to get physically intimate with them. Which as many have said, can lead to a long term relationship .

So no need for any slut shaming either way. But certainly don’t confuse having done it once with doing it all the time!

FWIW I shagged my XH on an holiday (vaguely knew him via work and went away with a bunch of his friends for a laugh!) and came home in a relationship with him.

XP I blew him on date 1, he sorted me out on date 2, we were together for 10 years after that.

Current DP, took him 4 dates to even kiss me, and even then only because I suggested it! Next date was a BJ and it took a few more for sex!

And also, even with someone you’re in a relationship with, you can fuck or you can make love. There are many different ways to have sex even within the context of a couple. It doesn’t always have to be “with your whole heart”!

Exactly.

It isn’t always one way or the other. I’ve had sex just for fun but I’ve also had sex because I love the person.

Sex isn’t black or white in the fact that it only means ‘with your whole heart’ all of the time or it’s just casual all of the time.

I feel like this is descending into the usual ‘there’s only 1 acceptable way to think about this and that is to have basically no opinion on it, otherwise you’re a slut shaming sexist’. People getting v defensive about other people saying sex on a first date wouldn’t be something they would do for X or Y reason. All a bit tedious and the usual accusations of wrong think.

Exactly, whereas the reality is that many people think of it in this way, trying to box someone up into a sexiest slut shamer doesn’t change the fact that there are lots of people who would avoid relationships with people who have a casual attitude to sex. Equally there are many potential partners out there who wouldn’t care, and engaged in those behaviours themselves. We are all entitled to an opinion and this is the reality of it. A lot of these women would not be considered marriage material by those men who are happy to shag them for temporary pleasure, and vice Versa, they are just using each other until something better comes along. If they are happy with that, it is their life, but it is surely understood by them that some people would want to give people who live that way a wide berth when considering serious relationships. As they would want to give people who don’t like this behaviour a wide berth also, it shouldn’t be a problem, but as most of them would never share this about themselves with a partner, they are never going to know anyway whether their partner would see them differently if they did.

Having that opinion is fine. You can have that opinion without shaming those who do things differently.

To me, there’s only one person on this thread determined that their way is the right way.

The people who care will care enough to demand to know. It is usually obvious.

DH has never asked because he doesn’t care.
I’ve never asked because I also don’t care.

I would disagree, both sides have made statements that look down upon the other view. Both sides have expressed they think the person with the other perspective is either “rigid” “doesn’t know what a good fuck is”, is “slutty”, “not good partner material”, would be “avoided” as a partner by the other side, “needs help/counselling”, is messed up in some way or another.

It’s called having an opinion and strongly held preferences for a partner. I want one that hasn’t seen sex as a sport, I’m assuming you’d want one that has, so you can be equals, and of the same mind?

Maybe being thought of as slutty hurts- I don’t know, but why, it’s just a word isn’t it? You engage in the slutty behaviours, therefore you are slutty, but you enjoy being slutty and as some here have said get great pleasure out of it- so how does the word offend?

you think I’m rigid, and I agree, just not when I’m in a relationship, and I don’t have hundreds of other dick memories in my head, which keeps me happy.

If you don’t feel ashamed, then the word slut should not bring shame, you should be content with who you are.

Narcissists by definition use other people for their own gratification, and do not really care about the people they use for their own means. His attitude to sex and women played a massive role in his narcissism, as it does with the vast majority of narcissists, who generally have a harem of people to give them attention and gratification, but care solely about themselves and their own pleasure.

I just don’t get the judgement of people who may, if inclined in the moment, have sex on the first date. Words like “cheap”. Why not just say “I have never done that and can’t imagine it working for me but I get that others have a different experience and that’s fine…”. Nobody is trying to “sell” having sex on the first date, they’re just saying it has, at times, worked ok (well, even!) for them 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Maybe being thought of as slutty hurts- I don’t know, but why, it’s just a word isn’t it?

You’re purposely trying to be offensive, and you know it. Your attitude towards other women stinks: I had some sympathy towards you initially, having read your posts elsewhere, I think it’s understandable when you’ve been repeatedly abused, cheated on and lied to by men in most of your relationships that you’d want to try and make sense of it and prevent it from happening to you yet again by drawing yourself some lines in the sand by which you think you can gain some control over it. But now you’re just coming across as a thoroughly unpleasant person. Aim higher. You aren’t going to make yourself any happier by trying to make other women feel small, and the decent men out there, the kind you’d like to attract, don’t find spitefulness and put downs any more attractive than you find casual sex.

It doesn’t bring shame to me but it is used as a way to attempt to bring shame isn’t it? It wouldn’t be used otherwise. I appreciate that you feel the same way about men and women who enjoy casual sex but women are judged far harder in society and are called names such as slut which isn’t aimed as much towards men. That’s sexist and damaging.

I have no idea how many women my DH has slept with. I also don’t care.

Why use a derogatory term though? I think you are very hurt on some level. Has some “slut” hurt you in the past ? Did someone you care for refer someone a bit more in touch with themselves sexually? You strike me as someone who would normalise the handmaids tale. Again I wonder if your neuroticism around sex is religious based.

I think you require more intensive counselling than you have had. You seem very hateful and quite disturbed which you are hiding under the banner of morality. You are calling strangers derogatory names and justifying it by saying their behaviour warrants it. Your last post was one of the saddest I’ve read - please get help.

Yes, ‘slut’ is an offensive term meaning a dirty, slovenly woman. It’s loaded with medieval sexism and misogyny. If you use offensive words, you should expect people to be offended.

You attempt to undermine my position which I know is a hard one to face- that there are lots of people who think the same way I do about casual sex. But the point of this forum is to have truthful and upfront perspectives- which was the point of the original post. As previously expressed I think people who engage in casual sex could do with counselling, to understand why they are able to split in this way, because it is splitting. They hold simultaneous ideas about love and sex that make the words “I love you”, become meaningless to many people who would hear them. That’s a fact, one you may not like, but a fact nevertheless.

According to the dictionary it means a woman who has many sexual partners. I use the term for both males and females who engage in this behaviour.

If having many sexual partners is not anything for you to feel disgusted by, then slut should not cause you any discomfort.

They also need counselling because they have the ability to use others for their own gratification, without any thought of the consequences to their mind, their health, or the other persons mind and health. They are 100% engaging is risky behaviours, and that’s the kind of thing that needs counselling.

Why use such derogatory sexist terms though? That’s not a differing opinion- that’s you trying to hurt someone. I don’t need to undermine your position - you do that yourself by resorting to sly insulting couched as free speech. Why don’t equate physical and emotional autonomy as splitting? What in you is frightened by sexuality in women?

They also need counselling because they have the ability to use others for their own gratification

It’s for mutual gratification

First date and first meeting are quite different things. For a woman to have sex with a man she’s just met she’s taking quite a gamble with her personal safety so in that way she’s not really valuing herself so you could call it ‘cheap’. Rarely do those sorts of encounters lead to relationships of any meaning ( obviously you’ll always get some crowing on here that they shagged their husband on the first date). I’d say if you want a boyfriend or husband wait until you know more about him. It was into the second month of dating with dh that we slept together and I’d already worked out through his actions that he was keen so I felt more comfortable with it.

So many dates ended up as ONS now still.single and it's burnt me. It does make you feel worthless and I think you have to have a strong mindset with no attachment. I can't understand why a first date can't be just a drink or coffee and then move forward. It seems they want sex first then might date you. And no I'm not from the 1950s just fed up with it! Lol