Page 20 | Sleeping with someone on the first date

LegalAlienated · 2024-09-02T12:49:09+00:00

Has this ever developed into a relationship? I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing? (Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

rainsofcastamere · 03/09/2024 11:09

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 00:20

if An itch then masturbate, use a toy not someone as a toy

Wow if you think masturbation is in anyway close to really good, erotic sex then you must have had some piss poor shags. You have my sympathies.

aCatCalledFawkes · 03/09/2024 11:28

Parisianparty · 02/09/2024 23:14

I really hope that women on this post that are applauding casual sex don’t go for men that take it seriously, and then whinge posting to Mumsnet that their partner has a problem with their past, because yes sometimes it does come back to bite you, and I believe you can tell plenty about a person by their attitude to sex

Are you for real? Have you actually ever tried OLD? I'm thinking not because you don't seem to know what you are talking about. If a man cared about my past and wanted to know how many men I had slept with, I wouldn't even bother meeting him for a date as its none of his business and a bit of a red flag that he would even be asking, bit controlling. As it goes I have been on a lot of dates, 90% of them never went any further and not one person has ever stooped low enough to ask me that. My boyfriend does nothing but reassure me how much he cares about and he's never commented on my sexual past, we only communicate about the sex we are having which by the way is really good sex!

betterangels · 03/09/2024 11:33

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2024 10:27

No, I recognise the username from elsewhere and the posts would suggest it’s actually somebody with quite a sad and difficult relationship history trying to make sense of how and why they’ve ended up very badly hurt by partners whilst thinking they were doing relationships “right”, and probably lashing out a bit because they perceive other people are doing relationships “wrong” yet ending up loved and happy.

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That's sad.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/09/2024 12:52

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 02:32

Oh I am, and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not telling anyone what to do, simply expressing the kind of people I would never consider dating. There is a complete lack of depth when people believe they can use other people’s bodies and there will never be any negative consequences, in fact it is delusional. You may live in that delusion, I just wouldn’t waste my time and commitment on someone who holds those views, or show their lack of insight by doing those things.

Edited

Did I imagine it or did you tell me to use a toy instead of have sex?

That is absolutely telling someone what to do.

ThatBrickRaven · 03/09/2024 13:27

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2024 00:31

On the contrary, from this thread it seems as though a lot of the women who put sex on a pedestal of specialness not to be “given away” or taken lightly spend a lot of time feeling and internalising very negative thoughts and feelings about themselves when sex doesn’t go the way they wanted it to: hurt, vulnerable, used, cheapened, crappy - all words they’ve brought up. In contrast, the women who don’t put sex on a pedestal seem to feel a lot more positively about themselves: they aren’t the ones saying they’d feel used and rubbish and sad about themselves if sex on a first date didn’t go anywhere else. The latter camp seems a much happier, healthier, emotionally resilient one to live in.

It’s absolutely fine to have a preference for when in a relationship you have sex, but a lot of women seem to internalise misogynistic and patriarchal viewpoints in their preferences, which sound quite damaging.

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Honestly you have described me to a T! I’m trying to change it - I’m a lot better than I was but the horrible feeling still creeps up again- I feel like I’ve been brain washed into feeling bad about liking sex but not necessarily loving the person I’m having it with. Honestly I’m so much happier since I stopped judging myself for being a normal human female with normal feelings! I wish others could feel as free about it .

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 15:19

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2024 10:27

No, I recognise the username from elsewhere and the posts would suggest it’s actually somebody with quite a sad and difficult relationship history trying to make sense of how and why they’ve ended up very badly hurt by partners whilst thinking they were doing relationships “right”, and probably lashing out a bit because they perceive other people are doing relationships “wrong” yet ending up loved and happy.

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No not at all, relationships can go wrong even with the best intentions, but a previous poster was correct, I do counsel people, and I hear sad stories of all kinds, but one that is very common is regret with sex and relationships. I don’t regret my couple of relationships, even if they didn’t work out, because I truly loved them and there were no grey areas, so I stick by my assessment that any sexual encounter I’ve had has been meaningful with someone I love, so I have no regrets or shame or sadness surrounding that part of it, at all. I could happily discuss my past with a new partner if they wanted to, I don’t feel I have done anything like that without my whole heart. It’s more of a worldview, there are many world views here. My main point isn’t to shame other women, it’s to say that I would want a partner with a similar world view because otherwise I think it doesn’t work out. All the issues I had with my ex were due to him slowly revealing his different world view- however- he lied intitally, and so what we were building on was false. He struggled because of his past promiscuity, it was like a dark cloud hanging over him, it’s not the kind of drama I would want in my life as it 100% caused him to objectify women and have loose boundaries with them. Of course you are correct that our experiences shape how we see things, but I already saw things this way before him, it just confirmed to me that many with that worldview are unable to change, because it does impact the way they think and are as a person. I would not have consented to a relationship to him had I known the extent of it. However I don’t regret loving him and being with him, because I truly did love him, but eventually his loose boundaries destroyed what we had, which he continues to regret, yet I know he will always be this way. I highly suspect that he has probably casually shagged many while pouring his heart out about only wanting me, and that’s his loss because I am no longer listening.

EdithBond · 03/09/2024 15:19

aCatCalledFawkes · 03/09/2024 11:28

Are you for real? Have you actually ever tried OLD? I'm thinking not because you don't seem to know what you are talking about. If a man cared about my past and wanted to know how many men I had slept with, I wouldn't even bother meeting him for a date as its none of his business and a bit of a red flag that he would even be asking, bit controlling. As it goes I have been on a lot of dates, 90% of them never went any further and not one person has ever stooped low enough to ask me that. My boyfriend does nothing but reassure me how much he cares about and he's never commented on my sexual past, we only communicate about the sex we are having which by the way is really good sex!

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100%. I’ve had a number of DPs throughout my life and none have ever asked me about my sexual history. If anyone did, I’d be horrified. Why would they want to know? It’s my business and no one else’s, as long as I’m having safe sex with them. A person who wants to know about someone’s sexual history is someone who wants to judge and sees sex with too many people as a problem. Why’s safe, consenting sex between adults a problem? It’s really enjoyable and natural. A man who wants to know this about a woman is revealing his sexist, puritanical views about how women should behave. Who’d want to be with a man like that? All this current talk of ‘body counts’ etc is so depressing. Sex isn’t a ‘conquest’ of a man over a woman.

PermanentTemporary · 03/09/2024 15:21

I just... don't recognise sex in some of this. I don't think that I'm using someone else's body or being exploited or cheapened when I play a game of tennis with them or something - it's a joyous expression of physicality that we both enjoy. Likewise if someone gives me a massage - it's intimate, physical and respectful, not a degradation. I clearly don't think of sex as so dramatically different from those things, whereas for other people they are very, very far apart.

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 15:25

aCatCalledFawkes · 03/09/2024 11:28

Are you for real? Have you actually ever tried OLD? I'm thinking not because you don't seem to know what you are talking about. If a man cared about my past and wanted to know how many men I had slept with, I wouldn't even bother meeting him for a date as its none of his business and a bit of a red flag that he would even be asking, bit controlling. As it goes I have been on a lot of dates, 90% of them never went any further and not one person has ever stooped low enough to ask me that. My boyfriend does nothing but reassure me how much he cares about and he's never commented on my sexual past, we only communicate about the sex we are having which by the way is really good sex!

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No….I’ve never done online dating, I feel very uncomfortable with the immediate presumption that we are meeting up with sex or romance as a possibility, I prefer to meet people naturally, both my relationships I knew them for years before developing a deeper connection with them. I understand from this thread that there are some who feel no shame or disgust at the thought of having sex with strangers, so for sure I will be projecting some of my ideals onto them, it is inconceivable for me to imagine doing that. So I will at least agree with those posting that not everybody feels those things about the idea of engaging with a stranger in that way, but I also confirm that many many women do feel those things after the event and after living a promiscuous lifestyle and it affects their future- as I have heard countless stories about this very topic.

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 15:27

PermanentTemporary · 03/09/2024 15:21

I just... don't recognise sex in some of this. I don't think that I'm using someone else's body or being exploited or cheapened when I play a game of tennis with them or something - it's a joyous expression of physicality that we both enjoy. Likewise if someone gives me a massage - it's intimate, physical and respectful, not a degradation. I clearly don't think of sex as so dramatically different from those things, whereas for other people they are very, very far apart.

Well exactly, the difference here is whether sex is viewed as sport or something deeper, with my point being th at I wouldn’t be interested in building something with someone that views it as a sport. I keep saying it, like for like is the only way, because these two different mindsets will unlikely ever find true unity

EBearhug · 03/09/2024 16:01

If people are happy and satisfied in their relationships, they aren't going to be going for counselling, so you won't see any of those people.

Eldrick47s · 03/09/2024 16:17

rainsofcastamere · 03/09/2024 11:09

Wow if you think masturbation is in anyway close to really good, erotic sex then you must have had some piss poor shags. You have my sympathies.

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Yep. A toy is a good substitute, but that's all it is, a substitute.

Also feel sorry for @Parisianparty

EdithBond · 03/09/2024 16:18

@Parisianparty I totally respect you only want to have sex with someone you really love. That’s of course entirely your choice.

But, the bit I’m struggling with is why it’d be a problem for you to have a relationship with someone who’s had many sexual partners. Why would you even want to know? Why would it affect your relationship with them in any way? Other than, perhaps, they’d be better at sex due to lots of practice with different people? Is it because you’d be worried they might cheat on you?

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. There are plenty of people who have sex with different people when single, who are 100% faithful in a relationship. So, once in a relationship with you their ‘worldview’ (i.e. being faithful) would be aligned with yours. Conversely, there are plenty of people who’ve only ever had one or two sexual partners, who are then tempted to look elsewhere.

You say your ex ‘struggled because of his past promiscuity, it was like a dark cloud hanging over him’. But, why? Because he was ashamed about having sex? And if, so, why? Religious upbringing? Was he having sex for some sort of unhealthy reason, such as because he felt unloved or out of control? Did he feel he’d pressured women into having sex? I honestly don’t get it.

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 16:21

You’ve no need to feel sorry for me….I feel sorry for you, different world views. My ex would have been a lot better suited to someone who can objectify sex, as they would have understood his mindset more and his inability to keep good boundaries with women. It was a massive incompatibility, with me knowing that he was morally definicient, narcissistic and enjoyed the thrill of cheap sex. Feel sorry for him for being judged so harshly by me when plenty of women on here would likely have understood him better and been able to make it work.

Thepollonator · 03/09/2024 16:26

DelurkingAJ · 02/09/2024 13:49

Yep, DH. 20 years later and still all good.

Same

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 16:28

The dark cloud was that he couldn’t not view women as sexual objects. Sex and love did not come together for him. No matter how good things were in and out of the bedroom, like porn he constantly needed new stimulation, and he got off on the thrill of it. Role play wasn’t the real deal for him because I would not realistically be able to provide the real variety he was used to and looking for. The whole thing was a massive turn off but I’m glad he was finally honest. I ended up just seeing him as a very shallow person who would be better suited to someone who understand this separation of sex and love, and as a result the amazing passion I felt for him initially started to die. I’m over it, but he’s not, he’s still the big mess he always was where he doesn’t really know what he wants. Because of his outlook and view of sex, him saying he loves me means absolutely nothing to me anymore and I feel very sorry for him. He would be very happy to have a life of multiple partners who accepted him for who he is, I just would never want to be one of them. As for women saying they’d be disgusted being asked how many partners they’d had, why? I wouldn’t be disgusted at all. It does give an indication to a partner what sex and love mean to you, and insight into why certain things didn’t work out/ what was lacking/ what you need from a relationship. It is a part of who you are whether you do or do not want to aknoweldge that. If I wanted casual sex I could get it whenever I wanted it, it’s not hard for an attractive woman, so why would you feel sorry for me- I don’t get it, I’m very happy and complete and don’t need some slutty man in my bed to be happy

EdithBond · 03/09/2024 16:36

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 16:21

You’ve no need to feel sorry for me….I feel sorry for you, different world views. My ex would have been a lot better suited to someone who can objectify sex, as they would have understood his mindset more and his inability to keep good boundaries with women. It was a massive incompatibility, with me knowing that he was morally definicient, narcissistic and enjoyed the thrill of cheap sex. Feel sorry for him for being judged so harshly by me when plenty of women on here would likely have understood him better and been able to make it work.

So you judged him as being ‘morally deficient’ for enjoying sex with people he wasn’t deeply in love with? Why do you choose to judge? I don’t know how old you are, but if relatively young, you may find as you get older there’ll be very few men who’ll meet your criteria of being ‘morally sufficient’. Most will probably have had sex with people outside a loving relationship. So, it could be slim pickings. Either that, or they’ll lie to you, as you said your ex initially did. Some people are very convincing liars and tell you what you want to hear.

rainsofcastamere · 03/09/2024 16:44

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 16:28

The dark cloud was that he couldn’t not view women as sexual objects. Sex and love did not come together for him. No matter how good things were in and out of the bedroom, like porn he constantly needed new stimulation, and he got off on the thrill of it. Role play wasn’t the real deal for him because I would not realistically be able to provide the real variety he was used to and looking for. The whole thing was a massive turn off but I’m glad he was finally honest. I ended up just seeing him as a very shallow person who would be better suited to someone who understand this separation of sex and love, and as a result the amazing passion I felt for him initially started to die. I’m over it, but he’s not, he’s still the big mess he always was where he doesn’t really know what he wants. Because of his outlook and view of sex, him saying he loves me means absolutely nothing to me anymore and I feel very sorry for him. He would be very happy to have a life of multiple partners who accepted him for who he is, I just would never want to be one of them. As for women saying they’d be disgusted being asked how many partners they’d had, why? I wouldn’t be disgusted at all. It does give an indication to a partner what sex and love mean to you, and insight into why certain things didn’t work out/ what was lacking/ what you need from a relationship. It is a part of who you are whether you do or do not want to aknoweldge that. If I wanted casual sex I could get it whenever I wanted it, it’s not hard for an attractive woman, so why would you feel sorry for me- I don’t get it, I’m very happy and complete and don’t need some slutty man in my bed to be happy

We feel sorry for you because of your insanely judgemental superiority complex when, in actual fact, you can only base your opinion on one side of a coin.

You seem to think that every one else is morally inept, that 'casual' sex is inferior to sex with someone you may have a connection with, when, you cannot make that statement because you claim to have no experience of it.

I feel sorry for you because suggesting to women that a dildo is in any way a replacement for good sex is just not true, it doesn't come close whether in a relationship or as a result of a fantastic ONS.

I feel sorry for you that you have the inability to just say 'I prefer having sex with someone I have a LONG connection with, but that is NOT better than your experiences'.

I have experience from both sides of the coin - the experiences are different but neither one is cheap or not cheap.

You seem to think that my casual sex has left me feeling anything but absolutely fulfilled in life, you are wrong. I am insanely happy with my life and the sexual aspect of it - including my promiscuous days and also over the last 2 decades where I have been having sex with my husband. I am not ashamed, I am grateful for it.

I feel sorry for anyone that cannot accept that they may be wrong or cannot accept other peoples lived experiences.

Crushed23 · 03/09/2024 16:53

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:18

Jesus Christ talk about overthinking things. No wonder you've never had sex on a first date with that stick wedged up your arse!

Oh and FYI, I (and many others) don't use sex as a "temporary relief to make themselves feel good because we feel shitty about ourselves".

We have sex because we enjoy a good fucking. You should try it some time.

HTH.

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Haha, 100% this.

I have what I call ‘high self esteem sex’ with casual partners, and it’s fantastic.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/09/2024 17:05

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 15:19

No not at all, relationships can go wrong even with the best intentions, but a previous poster was correct, I do counsel people, and I hear sad stories of all kinds, but one that is very common is regret with sex and relationships. I don’t regret my couple of relationships, even if they didn’t work out, because I truly loved them and there were no grey areas, so I stick by my assessment that any sexual encounter I’ve had has been meaningful with someone I love, so I have no regrets or shame or sadness surrounding that part of it, at all. I could happily discuss my past with a new partner if they wanted to, I don’t feel I have done anything like that without my whole heart. It’s more of a worldview, there are many world views here. My main point isn’t to shame other women, it’s to say that I would want a partner with a similar world view because otherwise I think it doesn’t work out. All the issues I had with my ex were due to him slowly revealing his different world view- however- he lied intitally, and so what we were building on was false. He struggled because of his past promiscuity, it was like a dark cloud hanging over him, it’s not the kind of drama I would want in my life as it 100% caused him to objectify women and have loose boundaries with them. Of course you are correct that our experiences shape how we see things, but I already saw things this way before him, it just confirmed to me that many with that worldview are unable to change, because it does impact the way they think and are as a person. I would not have consented to a relationship to him had I known the extent of it. However I don’t regret loving him and being with him, because I truly did love him, but eventually his loose boundaries destroyed what we had, which he continues to regret, yet I know he will always be this way. I highly suspect that he has probably casually shagged many while pouring his heart out about only wanting me, and that’s his loss because I am no longer listening.

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I don’t regret any of the times I’ve had sex either and feel no sadness or shame. Of course you’re only going to hear about the negative if they are in counselling. Doesn’t mean it’s like that for everyone though.

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 17:09

Well it depends, would you want to be with someone that had had sex with or flirtations with all their female “friends” or that didn’t really know where the line was between platonic and romantic? Or someone that wanted the constant thrill of attention from other women? I feel sorry for you, you feel sorry for me…..pointless on both counts. The guys lines were so blurred he became very unnattractive to me, as many of you would be to many men!

Josette77 · 03/09/2024 17:17

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 17:09

Well it depends, would you want to be with someone that had had sex with or flirtations with all their female “friends” or that didn’t really know where the line was between platonic and romantic? Or someone that wanted the constant thrill of attention from other women? I feel sorry for you, you feel sorry for me…..pointless on both counts. The guys lines were so blurred he became very unnattractive to me, as many of you would be to many men!

Your ex sounds like a sex addict.

That is NOT the same thing as casual sex.

I've never been in a relationship with someone like that but I was raised by one.

It's not ok to cheat on people.

You described him as a narcissist. No one wants a relationship with someone like that.

You are equating him with " casual sex".

I mean this kindly but as a counselor yourself I hope you recognize your own need for therapy.

Reading all the women on this thread who enjoy sex and have gone on to have meaningful relationships and are happy, says something is working out for them.

You have your own boundaries and that's fine, but it sounds like you are judging everyone who has had casual sex as your ex. That's simply not fair and not true.

I do hope you find someone who is on the same page. I'm a former Baptist so I get it. But you are equating things that aren't equal.

BeyondSmoake · 03/09/2024 17:22

Been married twice. First marriage we slept together within twenty mins, never mind just on the first date! Second one, we slept together on the second date. Both were reasonably long relationships

My current DP, I met on fab. So we slept together long before our first date 🤣

EdithBond · 03/09/2024 17:29

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 16:28

The dark cloud was that he couldn’t not view women as sexual objects. Sex and love did not come together for him. No matter how good things were in and out of the bedroom, like porn he constantly needed new stimulation, and he got off on the thrill of it. Role play wasn’t the real deal for him because I would not realistically be able to provide the real variety he was used to and looking for. The whole thing was a massive turn off but I’m glad he was finally honest. I ended up just seeing him as a very shallow person who would be better suited to someone who understand this separation of sex and love, and as a result the amazing passion I felt for him initially started to die. I’m over it, but he’s not, he’s still the big mess he always was where he doesn’t really know what he wants. Because of his outlook and view of sex, him saying he loves me means absolutely nothing to me anymore and I feel very sorry for him. He would be very happy to have a life of multiple partners who accepted him for who he is, I just would never want to be one of them. As for women saying they’d be disgusted being asked how many partners they’d had, why? I wouldn’t be disgusted at all. It does give an indication to a partner what sex and love mean to you, and insight into why certain things didn’t work out/ what was lacking/ what you need from a relationship. It is a part of who you are whether you do or do not want to aknoweldge that. If I wanted casual sex I could get it whenever I wanted it, it’s not hard for an attractive woman, so why would you feel sorry for me- I don’t get it, I’m very happy and complete and don’t need some slutty man in my bed to be happy

I understand now. So, he had no respect for women and simply saw them as ‘sexual objects’. And (sounds like) he wasn’t satisfied being in a faithful relationship. Those are indeed red flags. But most people who’ve had previous sexual relationships aren’t like that. And I’ve said why I’d be horrified to be asked about my sexual history. It’s no one’s business but my own. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who judges me on that. I don’t judge others, as I don’t see myself as superior. I take people as I find them. I work with people who feel terribly remorseful about very bad things they’ve done in the past. Their past doesn’t define who they are now.

aCatCalledFawkes · 03/09/2024 17:45

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 17:09

Well it depends, would you want to be with someone that had had sex with or flirtations with all their female “friends” or that didn’t really know where the line was between platonic and romantic? Or someone that wanted the constant thrill of attention from other women? I feel sorry for you, you feel sorry for me…..pointless on both counts. The guys lines were so blurred he became very unnattractive to me, as many of you would be to many men!

I thought this thread was about if people had sex on a first date, I said I did with my current boyfriend on our second date and I don't identify with any of the above. Your views are extreme, if I came to you for counselling and felt ashamed because my partner made me feel like that, I wouldn't expect you to agree with him! More over help me go over why he behaves that way ie abusive and help me to understand I haven't done anything to be ashamed of.
Of course there are women who don't have sex on a first date, no one is saying that there isn't. I've had been on lots of dates where I wouldn't of had sex on the first date, just because I have done it once or twice doesn't mean I would jump on anything with a pulse. Any regrets I do have about sex are not ONS or the people I have slept with on a first date, there more related to long term relationships.