Page 19 | Sleeping with someone on the first date

LegalAlienated · 2024-09-02T12:49:09+00:00

Has this ever developed into a relationship? I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing? (Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

TootsyPants · 03/09/2024 04:02

Yes, met him in 1996, married in 2001.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/09/2024 04:02

Yup, DH(together 24 years, 22 years married) was the ONS that never went away!

GeneralPeter · 03/09/2024 05:46

It's signalling and filtering, isn't it?

Of course it's possible.

But in our mainstream culture it signals less interest in commitment.

And declining to sleep with someone for a few dates filters out people who only want sex. Which itself gives the waiting signalling value.

Does wearing a hoodie make you a worse lawyer? Obviously not. Does wearing a hoodie at first-round interview at a law firm improve your chances? Unlikely.

(Before anyone says it... are there some law firms where it's fine? I guess there probably are those too).

gannett · 03/09/2024 08:01

Blueybanditbingochilli · 02/09/2024 23:41

I haven’t and wouldn’t. I feel a bit suspicious that all the ‘great, feministic’ things we do now benefit men, while the feministic things we haven’t achieved yet don’t.

Saying it louder for those in the back: women can also enjoy, and thus benefit from, casual sex. When I had lots of casual sex I did it for my benefit, not the benefit of men. Of course they benefited too, which was also good for me because sex is only really good if both parties are enjoying themselves.

Amidst the sex-is-so-special slut-shaming there's also a weird idea running through this thread that because men enjoy sex, it's somehow... feminist?... to deny them it. "They only want one thing" well guess what at many times in my life so did I, so we were mutually providing each other with that thing.

HazelBite · 03/09/2024 08:08

I think 47 years on counts as a yes, if it feels right go for it, just don't beat yourself up if it doesn't pan out the way you would like it to.

JustHavinABreak · 03/09/2024 08:12

Second date...22 years ago. Married with 3 kids now, and I love him more every day.

EBearhug · 03/09/2024 08:15

It's not just using other people's bodies. It can be, but sometimes it's sharing and giving mutual pleasure with someone you know won't lead to a long-term relationship, though as this thread shows, it can also do that. Plenty of people are capable of having casual sex and having long-term committed relationships. Others do need commitment and to wait, but we are not all the same, but enjoying sex with different people doesn't spoil you for others. I suspect it's less likely to make you a judgemental arse, either, but who knows?

ThatBrickRaven · 03/09/2024 09:15

Parisianparty · 02/09/2024 23:51

I believe it is an issue of whether they are happy to use someone’s body, while lacking the depth to understand that things are rarely black and white when it comes to emotions also. That they would be comfortable getting that intimate with someone that they really couldn’t care less about to consider as a serious option, and happy to share themselves around many times with many people, without any deep thought. I have only had sex with people I wanted to be with forever, so I don’t think my brain works that way, and I wouldn’t want to commit to someone who’s brain does work that way, because I don’t think I’d feel the necessary commitment and respect for them, therefore we would both be wasted in a relationship with each other where we think so differently.

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It’s not the case of using someone’s body - that suggests that it is something underhand or deceitful - it’s two people sharing their bodies to hopefully have mutual satisfaction from it. You seem to view bodies as sacred hence my question re religious sentiments.

I totally get that you view sex as having - or needing to have - an emotional attachment but the risk with that is you may be intimate with someone you think is emotionally attached and find out later they aren’t. That is a lot more honesty in ways for a casual encounter or ONS as everyone knows going in that it might not road to anything.

ThatBrickRaven · 03/09/2024 09:22

Blueybanditbingochilli · 02/09/2024 23:49

I guess it depends how you see sex doesn’t it? If you see it as a purely physical, unemotional thing, then I can see why you would sleep with somebody you’d known 5 minutes and not see it as cheap in any way. If you attach emotional value and see it as a special experience, I could see why you would consider ONS to be cheap.

A bit like how some people are happy to marry somebody they met 2 weeks earlier in Las Vegas, others will date for years and want to ‘take it seriously’.

It’s subjective so there’s no point being ‘sad’ about how somebody else sees it.

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I find it sad as it’s judging someone - why? Referring someone as cheap or desperate for what they do with their body doesn’t sit right with me. It’s a sad viewpoint. By all means have your own standards it allow others theirs without your judgment

LaerealSilverhand · 03/09/2024 09:34

shuggles · 02/09/2024 18:33

@KreedKafer There was an obvious mutual attraction between us, lots of flirty eye contact and body language which we both responded to. It would have been very clear to me if he hadn't been interested in me, and vice versa. No line was overstepped because we were both sending obvious signals to one another that we were attracted to each other. It wasn't a case of him 'making a move' on me; it was a mutual thing.

It sounds like he took a massive risk there, and likely didn't view his job as a serious or long term thing.

Men are notorious for misreading women, and there are indeed some men who think every instance of a woman just being friendly is potential sexual interest. I came to understand this wasn't the case as I spoke to women more in my very early 20s, but there are many men who don't get the memo and will try to pursue women just because a woman looked at them.

Certainly by my mid 20s, I understood that attempting to have a romantic relationship with a co-worker is a very bad idea, so I'm surprised that there are other men who try this.

I'm guessing you aren't in the UK. Workplace relationships are absolutely bog standard here - in fact it's the number one place that people find partners if they haven't hooked up earlier at school or college.

Honestly, how do you think people got together before the whole online dating thing became mainstream, which was all of about 5 minutes ago?

They got together with school/collegemates, workmates, through mutual friends, through sports clubs, and of course random hookups in pubs and clubs and at parties.

As I posted earlier 'dating' is a very modern invention here, especially the kind of exploratory dating that people doing OLD do. And it's not an improvement.

Footle · 03/09/2024 09:36

45 years ago, still great thank you

laveritable · 03/09/2024 09:43

The same permissive society that condemns Lauryn Goodman! Having a ONS, how do you know the man/woman is not cheating on their DP?

EBearhug · 03/09/2024 10:02

Having a ONS, how do you know the man/woman is not cheating on their DP?

Sometimes you already know the person you're having a ONS with. Sometimes you have to rely on them telling you. The Internet and OLD hasn't changed that. There's nothing new about discovering you're the OW (or OM, I suppose.) It didn't take OLD for some people to find out about spouses who have whole other families even.

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:08

rainsofcastamere · 02/09/2024 20:13

Yeah and you only have to look at all the women on here who took the 'expensive' route and they're still getting cheated on, treated like a skivvy and settling for abysmal sex. A wanker is a wanker whether you shag him straight away or in a decade.

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💯

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:16

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aCatCalledFawkes · 03/09/2024 10:16

laveritable · 03/09/2024 09:43

The same permissive society that condemns Lauryn Goodman! Having a ONS, how do you know the man/woman is not cheating on their DP?

You can't blame single people for married people looking for sex elsewhere surely? Of course most single people try to do there due diligence and there best to find out as much as they can about the person, usually chatting on whatapps, face time etc for a some days before until you are both happy to meet. However you could find out your the OW at any point in time and there is nothing new with that, people on this board have found out there partners have been having affairs for months or even years, it has nothing too do with sex on a first date.

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:18

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 00:36

I don’t think so. I think women who have used sex as a temporary relief to make themselves feel good, already had something missing and feel shitty about themselves; and the negative consequences that come with being used simply will add to that, maybe not every time, but I bet many of them have many stories to tell.

interesting that you consider vulnerable in the context of sex to be a negative word?

I Would like to see how these women feel when they finally meet a man where sex really does mean something but they can’t get truly vulnerable because they are scared of their own past and his potential thoughts on it. Don’t sugar coat the documented negative effects of a shallow attitude to sex. It’s very very base to use another human to scratch an itch, when it’s doubtful that women who live this way have more positive experiences that negative, because if the sex and connection was that great, they wouldn’t be bedding someone else the following week

Jesus Christ talk about overthinking things. No wonder you've never had sex on a first date with that stick wedged up your arse!

Oh and FYI, I (and many others) don't use sex as a "temporary relief to make themselves feel good because we feel shitty about ourselves".

We have sex because we enjoy a good fucking. You should try it some time.

HTH.

betterangels · 03/09/2024 10:20

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:18

Jesus Christ talk about overthinking things. No wonder you've never had sex on a first date with that stick wedged up your arse!

Oh and FYI, I (and many others) don't use sex as a "temporary relief to make themselves feel good because we feel shitty about ourselves".

We have sex because we enjoy a good fucking. You should try it some time.

HTH.

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So much this!

LemonPeonies · 03/09/2024 10:21

Well you don't wanna end up in a long term if their shagging game is awful do you? Need a test drive first 😅

Gwet · 03/09/2024 10:24

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 00:47

I’ve heard countless stories from regretful women who just can’t reach that depth of intimacy with the man they truly love, because of their past and their view of sex. That feeling of being used doesn’t go away and often gives a negative view of sex as they get older where it feels like a chore and has some disgust attached to it- something I have never felt because the times I have done it was with my whole heart

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You must a counsellor if you’ve heard this countless times

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:27

Parisianparty · 03/09/2024 00:47

I’ve heard countless stories from regretful women who just can’t reach that depth of intimacy with the man they truly love, because of their past and their view of sex. That feeling of being used doesn’t go away and often gives a negative view of sex as they get older where it feels like a chore and has some disgust attached to it- something I have never felt because the times I have done it was with my whole heart

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WTF 😂

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2024 10:27

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No, I recognise the username from elsewhere and the posts would suggest it’s actually somebody with quite a sad and difficult relationship history trying to make sense of how and why they’ve ended up very badly hurt by partners whilst thinking they were doing relationships “right”, and probably lashing out a bit because they perceive other people are doing relationships “wrong” yet ending up loved and happy.

LaerealSilverhand · 03/09/2024 10:29

shuggles · 02/09/2024 20:14

I'm sorry, but there is no way that starting relationships in work is common for people of our generation.

To begin with, the overwhelming majority of people in any workplace will already have a relationship outside of work, or be married to people outside of work.

Second point is that, while certain things and behaviours were tolerated in the past, I think our generation has been overwhelmingly clear that the workplace is not the place for men to lech after women, and this is no longer socially acceptable.

You may claim that couples are getting together in work, but this is far from mainstream. I have frequently seen news articles from the BBC and the Guardian which are quite vocal and passionate about stopping workplace harassment. I think it would be safe to say that their perspectives are more mainstream than yours, or anyone else on this thread. If relationships in the workplace are so common, then why is the media so vocal in its opposition to it?

Last point is that even if a relationship does successfully develop in the workplace, it's still a minefield. The relationship generally has to be declared to the employer so they're aware of conflicts of interest. Things get messy if the couple breaks up.

The fact that I've never seen a relationship initiate inside a workplace confirms that I am likely correct that it's not a common phenomenon.

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What a load of old rubbish. The idea that you have to 'declare to your employer' that you had a snog in the pub with Tim from the paint shop or Tina from the assembly line is ludicrous. Maybe in a poncey office with an up-itself work culture, but certainly not in a normal workplace. You sound very repressed - go and hang out with working class people in manual and skilled occupations and you'll get a very rapid attitude re-adjustment. A few weeks working shifts in a factory or warehouse or retail will set you right.

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 10:30

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2024 10:27

No, I recognise the username from elsewhere and the posts would suggest it’s actually somebody with quite a sad and difficult relationship history trying to make sense of how and why they’ve ended up very badly hurt by partners whilst thinking they were doing relationships “right”, and probably lashing out a bit because they perceive other people are doing relationships “wrong” yet ending up loved and happy.

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Oh god that's even worse.

Blueybanditbingochilli · 03/09/2024 10:49

LaerealSilverhand · 03/09/2024 10:29

What a load of old rubbish. The idea that you have to 'declare to your employer' that you had a snog in the pub with Tim from the paint shop or Tina from the assembly line is ludicrous. Maybe in a poncey office with an up-itself work culture, but certainly not in a normal workplace. You sound very repressed - go and hang out with working class people in manual and skilled occupations and you'll get a very rapid attitude re-adjustment. A few weeks working shifts in a factory or warehouse or retail will set you right.

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Agreed. Most people met at work in the past, according to a few people I’ve spoken to (or if not most then many). I’m happily settled with somebody I met as a colleague.

As long as you stay professional at work there is absolutely no issue unless there’s a conflict of interest situation. Managers aren’t interested whatsoever in which employees are dating/sleeping with others, because they’re also professional.