Sleeping with someone on the first date

[LegalAlienated]

Has this ever developed into a relationship?
I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing?
(Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

On the contrary, from this thread it seems as though a lot of the women who put sex on a pedestal of specialness not to be “given away” or taken lightly spend a lot of time feeling and internalising very negative thoughts and feelings about themselves when sex doesn’t go the way they wanted it to: hurt, vulnerable, used, cheapened, crappy - all words they’ve brought up. In contrast, the women who don’t put sex on a pedestal seem to feel a lot more positively about themselves: they aren’t the ones saying they’d feel used and rubbish and sad about themselves if sex on a first date didn’t go anywhere else. The latter camp seems a much happier, healthier, emotionally resilient one to live in.

It’s absolutely fine to have a preference for when in a relationship you have sex, but a lot of women seem to internalise misogynistic and patriarchal viewpoints in their preferences, which sound quite damaging.

I don’t think so. I think women who have used sex as a temporary relief to make themselves feel good, already had something missing and feel shitty about themselves; and the negative consequences that come with being used simply will add to that, maybe not every time, but I bet many of them have many stories to tell.

interesting that you consider vulnerable in the context of sex to be a negative word?

I Would like to see how these women feel when they finally meet a man where sex really does mean something but they can’t get truly vulnerable because they are scared of their own past and his potential thoughts on it. Don’t sugar coat the documented negative effects of a shallow attitude to sex. It’s very very base to use another human to scratch an itch, when it’s doubtful that women who live this way have more positive experiences that negative, because if the sex and connection was that great, they wouldn’t be bedding someone else the following week

Why? What difference does it make? My 21-year relationship with my DP isn’t any less special because he isn’t the only man I’ve slept with. He’s never asked me exactly how many people I’ve slept with and I’ve never asked him exactly how many people he’s slept with. It just isn’t something either of us cares about.

I never slept with anyone with the expectation that they would become ‘Prince Charming’. I slept with them because there was an obvious spark of attraction between us - not purely physical attraction - which led me to hope that we could have a great time. Maybe just that one night, maybe for longer, maybe forever. I’ve never slept with someone thinking “I definitely never want to see them again after this” but at the same time I’ve never thought “I’m only doing this because I’m assuming become a relationship.”

In fact, I have never been ditched by anyone straight after sleeping with them and nor have I ever done that to anyone else. I’ve only had one one-night stand, with a man I knew very well, and we both knew (and had discussed) that we didn’t want a relationship. We spent a night together because we liked each other a lot, trusted each other completely, and both really wanted sex that night. It was great and I’m really glad we did it.

I’ve only regretted sleeping with one man… and that was in a three-year relationship. I regretted the entire relationship. (And in fact he was the only boyfriend I didn’t sleep with straight away.)

It is possible to have casual sex, and also to have very meaningful, emotionally connected sex. One does not spoil you for the other.

Your comment was very baseless, you should most definitely quote the comments that you feel have expressed this? I wrote one comment which wasn’t about “sex” it was about it a relationship, the guy was used up and lied about who he was. He was constantly seeking something different despite me being very open to everything, because it was what he was used to doing. He could talk all day about his love for me and how I was the only woman he’d ever loved, meant nothing in the end. You may think one doesn’t ruin you for the other- but it may be that you simply don’t see it but a partner would. Many women on these forums go off sex with a partner or talk about sex like it’s a chore- I’ve never felt like that because I have no shameful associations with sex, just freedom because I feel everthing before I would engage with someone that way. The best sex was with my other partner who didn’t sleep around and was amazing and attentive and we had total freedom to explore all things. So for me, sex is better with someone who had the same view of it and what it means

I think you’re projecting your own anxieties and fears onto other women who simply do not have the same negative feelings as you. I’m sure it makes you feel better about yourself to tell yourself that women who aren’t ashamed of their sexual feelings must hate themselves or have something missing. But it simply isn’t true. Sorry. You’re not superior.

I hope you’re not as unhappy as you appear. But if you are, deluding yourself that other women are secretly miserable isn’t the way to deal with it.

I’ve heard countless stories from regretful women who just can’t reach that depth of intimacy with the man they truly love, because of their past and their view of sex. That feeling of being used doesn’t go away and often gives a negative view of sex as they get older where it feels like a chore and has some disgust attached to it- something I have never felt because the times I have done it was with my whole heart

interesting that you consider vulnerable in the context of sex to be a negative word?

I suppose it’s interesting in that I’ve never had a bad relationship, or dated a bad man or woman, and I’ve never even been on a bad date or had a bad sexual experience or one that I regret. I’ve always felt incredibly safe and respected around everyone I’ve ever had sex with, however well I knew them, and I can’t really understand why anyone would want to feel any other way, let alone vulnerable. Among a forum of women where a long history of poor relationships, abusive partners and negative experiences around sex often seems to be the saddeningly more normal life experience, I feel incredibly fortunate in how my journey of sexuality has gone.

Well, that may be the way when you leave when the bed is still warm, I don’t know. I’ve heard many other womens stories who weren’t so blase, they followed the trend and it left them feeling used

and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing

Wow you sound a right charmer.

She’s right though, and women and men who do easy sex should be tougher than to get offended by be truth about how othera view that

Each to their own and I personally think there is nothing wrong with doing this. But I have no experience in this. TBH, first kiss in my 20s, met husband soon after, waited half a year then we had sex.

No religious reasons. Came from a strict upbringing where I personally was terrified of everything let alone sex and other completely normal things.

Well said and so very true.

Is she hell right 😂😂

Its 2024 not 1950

Thankfully pretty much everyone disagrees with her judgy attitude

What’s more patriarchal than letting yourself be used for temporary “pleasure” with no responsibility, no love, and then onto the next?

Yes, I am pretty sure most of my relationships started like that. And I've never been cheated on (that I know of) so it's not like doing that necessarily attracted players or people not interested in an LTR. But this was a loooong time ago. Lol.
I don't think I'd do that now though if I was single. Just because I lack confidence, or should I say I would do if I was looking for a partner. The dating scene has changed so much in the last 20 years...I'd be worried it would attract people just after sex.

It is fine to disagree……there is a serious fixation here on women as sluts, when my assessment is not gender based, it is character and personality based, encompassing both genders. My point being, I wouldn’t have the headspace or energy to ever invest in a man that had loose views towards sex, I’d see them as a lost cause, and as they wound t be a long term option, I simply wouldn’t go there. And there are men that feel that way about women who are of a similar mind, and it’s acceptable and natural for people who think deeply about sex to want to avoid people who don’t- and vice Versa. It simply doesn’t work, like for like works, because everyone should get what they deserve and is compatible with their views. If you think my opinion is from the 1950s, that is fine, yet I’m wise enough to understand that the same attitudes have been present through the course of history, some have loose views, some have deeper views, just for some periods of history it was better hidden by those with varying views.

There is nothing new under the sun. Casual attitudes to sex is not some modern enlightened concept, it is a tale as old as time. It just makes you feel better to think it sprung up as part of some enlightened modern thing, it’s not, the same attitudes and personalities have always been around. People should just make sure who they end up with have the same values as them, and not complain if those values lead to a negative place.

Who is complaining?

Your inability to grasp that having a ons doesn't make someone shallow or a user, proves you aren't quite the deep thinker you think are l.

Oh I am, and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not telling anyone what to do, simply expressing the kind of people I would never consider dating. There is a complete lack of depth when people believe they can use other people’s bodies and there will never be any negative consequences, in fact it is delusional. You may live in that delusion, I just wouldn’t waste my time and commitment on someone who holds those views, or show their lack of insight by doing those things.

Can you explain what the delusion is?

Its delusional, because sex is never just sex, the impact usually affects at least one of the pair, or someone else they are involved/ semi involved with, or future relationships, or leads to degeneracy, especially in men who having tried variety can’t any longer stick with one woman. Easy sex leads people to treat it as a commodity and fail to aknoweldge chemical and emotional changes that inevitably take place. There are myriad of consequences that people with depth can plainly see….it is delusional to treat sex as a sport. It hardens someone to treat other humans as a commodity and is a major reason why there is so much narcissism in society

The more narcissistic someone is, the easier it is to treat others in this way, as an object for their own satisfaction

Are there so many men who are crap shags out in the wild?

This is why I said one night stands are not for me - as I see sex as an expression of my feelings for someone and not something I would want to share lightly with someone I did not care for.

(Also an infectious disease specialist so that slants my opinion too😂😂😂)

But people can choose to do as they please as consenting adults and women should not be stigmatised for doing so.