Sleeping with someone on the first date

[LegalAlienated]

Has this ever developed into a relationship?
I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing?
(Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

@Parisianparty You do seem a bit binary about it all. It's not as simple as sex meaning everything or nothing at all. Take me. I slept with my now husband, a man I knew socially through friends, before we had been on any dates at all - we got talking properly at a party and went home together and have been together ever since. That was 15 years ago. He's the third person, and the last person, I have had sex with. My first and second partners were both long-term boyfriends who I slept with after several months of dating. By far the deepest and most important relationship has been the one with my husband. In between I dated various different people who I didn't sleep with although various levels of "other stuff" happened, generally not on the first date but I wouldn't like to say never on the first date. So as you can see, I've never had a moral issue with sex on the first date, but that doesn't mean that I don't care who I sleep with or that sex is not meaningful to me.

Mate, you're not getting it.

No-one is offended by your no-sex-on-the-first-date policy. Nobody bloody cares.

They are offended by you declaring that people who don't share that policy are cheap sluts who lack depth. You are not deep, you're a pillock.

This thread is riddled with incels.

@shuggles You haven't answered my question though. If it was as common as you say it is, it would be accepted as normal by the media.

I literally work in media relations. I can assure that ‘the media’ doesn’t have any general consensus on whether it’s OK to date a colleague. I know plenty of people IN the media who have dated or are married to colleagues.

So I’m afraid that - rather like your equally weird statement about salaries and not understanding how adults ‘have time’ to go out for a drink - you’re just coming at this from a completely false premise that you’ve invented in your head.

@MrTwatchester I wish I could give you a standing ovation for this post.

Only time I did this and I married him - it’s now 17 years later.

I used to have a 3 month wait, but I think it was a daft thing to set upon myself.

@SouthLondonMum22 There's a difference.

What difference?

If they are so indistinguishable, why can women manage but not men?

First point is that men are generally open to most sexual advances, which is why women don't have to worry about misreading signals- men will usually respond positively anyway.

Second point is that I am pretty sure there have been numerous cases of women misreading friendship as romantic interest. Or are those women liars too?

I work in the media too, and can confirm—plenty of people getting theirs. We also have time to go out, or home, of an evening.

I'm not cheap, or expensive. I'm not for sale.

Like you just said, a negative reaction and a positive reaction. It isn't difficult to tell if someone isn't interested in flirting back as an example. Body language says a lot, as does facial expressions.

Lots of people have sex with more than 1 person at a time.

@SouthLondonMum22 Like you just said, a negative reaction and a positive reaction.

But without having access to a time machine, how do you know whether the reaction is going to be positive or negative beforehand? Once you've gotten the negative reaction, the red line has already been crossed at that point.

It isn't difficult to tell if someone isn't interested in flirting back as an example. Body language says a lot, as does facial expressions.

If they flirt back, then that could be friendship.
Body language can be friendship.
Facial expressions can be friendship.

So again, we have agreed that friendship is indistinguishable from romantic interest, right?

Hmm, I am a female that attracts males and is just picky with men, so not sure how that makes me an incel? I’ve slept with two people, because yes sex is meaningful but lacks meaning when you don’t even know the person. You may be offended, but you don’t have to date someone that holds the same views as me do you? Just as I wouldn’t date someone that I would consider slutty….my opinion, an honest one, based on the original question which you might want to go back a reread. It is not my responsibility to affirm other peoples choices in terms of me considering them worthy options for dating. Some here might not care about body count because they have plenty of body count themselves and would rather not go there with a partner. I do care, and I care that any partner I would marry hasn’t just screwed their way through any woman they have half a chance with. Plenty of men out there who feel the same, and for many men and women, it would be a relationship ender to find out the person they like has a casual attitude to sex, for many it wouldn’t be, so like should be with like!

Love this post.

I really hope that women on this post that are applauding casual sex don’t go for men that take it seriously, and then whinge posting to Mumsnet that their partner has a problem with their past, because yes sometimes it does come back to bite you, and I believe you can tell plenty about a person by their attitude to sex

No. We don't agree at all.

Friendship is not indistinguishable from romantic interest unless you have a casual attitude to sex/ flirting and playing with peoples emotions

I am a female that attracts males

Yes, an incel would definitely not say this. I'm convinced.

Time we stopped pushing these boulders up the hill.

That's assuming that they know.

My DH has no clue what my 'number' is because it isn't any of his business.

We all know that SOME men can accidentally conflate the two - you, apparently, are one of them, if you can’t tell the difference and think it’s something that can be spelled out. You admit that you have very little experience with relationships.

But most men absolutely do know the difference, and live their lives accordingly without having any difficulty in navigating these human interactions.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been assessed for any neurodivergent conditions, but if you really do find it as hard to read other people in the way that you seem to be suggesting, and if you really do struggle to imagine any workplace experience that’s different from your own, it might be worth pursuing.

Another thing to avoid, men and women who flirt with everyone

And yet if you didn’t feel some shame, you’d probably have talked about who you truly are as people, and the important relationships you have had, yet a casual attitude to sex kills that intimacy and knowing of another person. unlike your partner, I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who was cagey about who they truly are

I can certainly tell a lot about you by your attitude to sex. None of it’s good.

I don't feel any shame. How many people I have or haven't had sex with doesn't define me as a person and has nothing to do with who I 'truly' am.

And that’s your opinion, which I’m happy with. When like dates like, these issues don’t come up. The only problem is when two promiscuous people get together and are then jealous and accusing of each other, when they should just either accept that their previous choices led to that mess, or accept that they’ve both had slutty attitudes to sex and move forward.

Hmm, I am a female that attracts males