Sleeping with someone on the first date

[LegalAlienated]

Has this ever developed into a relationship?
I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing?
(Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

I don’t think anyone is criticising the women who don’t feel comfortable having sex early on - like you say, it’s completely personal choice. I think what people are debunking is the notion that anyone who does have sex early on is ‘cheap’ or ‘desperate’ and that withholding sex is somehow a way to keep a man interested. There’s nothing wrong with waiting, if you prefer to. Nobody should feel like they’re expected have sex on a first date, and nobody should feel like they’re expected not to.

@KreedKafer There was an obvious mutual attraction between us, lots of flirty eye contact and body language which we both responded to. It would have been very clear to me if he hadn't been interested in me, and vice versa. No line was overstepped because we were both sending obvious signals to one another that we were attracted to each other. It wasn't a case of him 'making a move' on me; it was a mutual thing.

It sounds like he took a massive risk there, and likely didn't view his job as a serious or long term thing.

Men are notorious for misreading women, and there are indeed some men who think every instance of a woman just being friendly is potential sexual interest. I came to understand this wasn't the case as I spoke to women more in my very early 20s, but there are many men who don't get the memo and will try to pursue women just because a woman looked at them.

Certainly by my mid 20s, I understood that attempting to have a romantic relationship with a co-worker is a very bad idea, so I'm surprised that there are other men who try this.

People meet at work and start relationships all of the time. It’s how I met DH.

After work drinks, drinks after a leaving/Christmas/the usual party etc.

After 40 years of a sexless marriage, I thought, ‘Why wait?’ when it comes to a first date! after our divorce a few years ago. Nothing wrong with a bit of fun, especially when you’re catching up on lost time. And who knows, sometimes those ‘arrangements’ are more fulfilling than the so-called relationships. Life's too short, love—might as well enjoy the ride! 😉

@SouthLondonMum22 I've never seen that in the workplace. It's likely a Boomer or Gen Xer thing, but it would be extremely uncommon among younger generations.

Is this a joke? Loads of people meet at work. It's not uncommon in my field. People drink at conferences, get off with each other and end up married. Tale as old as time.

What does shagging and leaving have to do with it though? The thread isn’t about one night stands, it’s about first (or pre) date sex leading to relationships. Which it often does.

But if my now DH had thought I was a slag for fucking him before what he deemed an appropriate period for a non-slag, then I really wouldn’t have married him because he would have been filed away under ‘douche-bag - do not continue’.

These guys come across as wound up fun sponges and judgey arses. I’d have more fun on my own with a cup of tea than hanging out with them anyway.

Like so many posters have pointed out, sex is not a prize the man receives after having waited x amount of dates. Sex is meant to be enjoyable. I don’t want to waste my time having crap sex. And I certainly didn’t want to waste my time entertaining a sad loser who thought I owed him a shag on the 5/10/200th meeting.

Yeah, I'm a millennial (which I don't think counts as young anymore), but I know tons of couples who got together in work.

Sure, some men might misread the situation, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to identify a mutual attraction, which then tips over into more on a night out.

Tbh even as a proponent of drunken shagging the day you meet someone, I'd definitely draw the line at a workplace event, and I can definitely imagine it's completely off limits for the younger generation (as it bloody well should be really). I could have a ONS with a man I met in a club or house party, and likely not have to see him again. Couldn't do that at work and saw it end in disaster so many times.

Agree 100%.

Literally nobody who got together when I was a student went on anything remotely resembling a date.

Yes for me...now married for 9 years.

It is not ‘extremely uncommon’ at all.

I’m a millennial and met an ex at work. I think, from previous posts I’ve seen, @SouthLondonMum22 is also a millennial.

So much this! I'm so glad I met my partner young. I'd be crap at modern dating. It's so serious and labelly.

I don't know if your referring to anything in my post although I assume not because there is nothing judgmental in there. My point was more to do with the fact that women who are not comfortable with ' its just a shag' are not outdated or misogynist. The fact that many women are happy having sex on a first date or having one night stands doesn't mean all young women are the same despite the changes in attitudes. It's not being judgmental of others choices in life, it's being true to yourself.

Yep. Cheap? Load of old bollocks!

Someone said this to me the other day: "We're here for a good time not a long time".

If you want to have sex on the first date then go for it.

And the claim that a guy won't respect you if you sleep with him on the first date, its misogynistic nonsense. It's not the 1950s anymore!!

Yeah and you only have to look at all the women on here who took the 'expensive' route and they're still getting cheated on, treated like a skivvy and settling for abysmal sex. A wanker is a wanker whether you shag him straight away or in a decade.

I'm sorry, but there is no way that starting relationships in work is common for people of our generation.

To begin with, the overwhelming majority of people in any workplace will already have a relationship outside of work, or be married to people outside of work.

Second point is that, while certain things and behaviours were tolerated in the past, I think our generation has been overwhelmingly clear that the workplace is not the place for men to lech after women, and this is no longer socially acceptable.

You may claim that couples are getting together in work, but this is far from mainstream. I have frequently seen news articles from the BBC and the Guardian which are quite vocal and passionate about stopping workplace harassment. I think it would be safe to say that their perspectives are more mainstream than yours, or anyone else on this thread. If relationships in the workplace are so common, then why is the media so vocal in its opposition to it?

Last point is that even if a relationship does successfully develop in the workplace, it's still a minefield. The relationship generally has to be declared to the employer so they're aware of conflicts of interest. Things get messy if the couple breaks up.

The fact that I've never seen a relationship initiate inside a workplace confirms that I am likely correct that it's not a common phenomenon.

What's the alternative to this scenario? Keep dating this awful man? Better to find out he's a cunt on day one.

Very odd that you're equating workplace relationships with harassment.

What generation are you even in? I'm a millennial, I know loads of people who've found their partners at work. It's very common and perfectly normal.

Except it wasn’t a bad idea for him, because we’ve been blissfully happy for 21 years.

It might be a bad idea for you, if you tend to misread signals, or struggle to interact socially with women, which, from your posts about relationships on this and other threads, I think perhaps you do. You have some very rigid ideas and assumptions about women, men, work and life in general which I think might make it quite tricky to meet people romantically.

Honestly, most men do read signals just fine and back off when things like eye contact, flirty looks etc aren’t reciprocated. But obviously some men (and some women) find it a bit more difficult or are more anxious about it and that’s fine. Online dating or whatever is ideal in that situation. But clearly, millions of people do meet their partners in other ways and that’s also fine. Just because it’s not the way you do things, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, unwise, strange, surprising or inappropriate. You really need to understand that your way of life isn’t any more normal or appropriate than anyone else’s.

The fact that I've never seen a relationship initiate inside a workplace confirms that I am likely correct that it's not a common phenomenon.

I’ve seen loads of relationships start inside the workplace. Why are you so incapable of understanding that your experiences aren’t evidence of a norm?

OP, why on earth do you ask? Adults, men and women, can have whatever consensual sex they like and it doesn't have to be approved by Mumsnet.