Sleeping with someone on the first date

[LegalAlienated]

Has this ever developed into a relationship?
I’ve never done this myself, and I consider it ‘cheap’ or desperate to try to get a man. Am I right or is it a thing?
(Debate ongoing between my friend and I.)

Sex really isn't your thing, is it?

What do you mean please?

@KreedKafer I ended up with my DP when we went on a night out with a group of people from work. I'd known him and got on well with him as a colleague/friend for a couple of months before that. The night out descended into general carnage, we were among the last ones standing, we ended up having a snog and then I suggested he stayed over at my house. That was 21 years ago and we're still together.

I'm always bemused as to how the average salary on mumsnet is £80-£100k or more, yet, all of the work social events sound like lazy student nights.

I don't have time for nights out like that anymore because I am busy working and I earn a fraction of the average mumsnetter.

Yes and we're now married with children. I think sometimes it can work out if you click together beyond just sexual attraction and sex just happens to occur. But from personal experience, if you have the sex as the main agenda without the other stuff, it rarely works out romantically. It becomes all about the sex, and without much else, it can quickly fizzle out.

I usually just pull them aside and lean over a bin whilst being taken from behind down a dark alley. Much more efficient that way.

If it’s anything like my workplace parties, it’s the free bar: when it’s champagne and single malts all night plus being put up in a hotel all on the company dime, things can go sideways a lot more quickly than when you’re nursing the drink you had to pay for yourself and thinking about having to get the train home at a sensible hour!

I had a ONS on a first data 5.5 years ago. He's currently sat on the sofa next to me playing with the cat. If the ONS doesn't end soon I'm going to start thinking he likes me!

100%. I’ve never been on a ‘date’ in my life! Just met people out and started ‘seeing’ them. I also find ‘dates’ are quite a 50s American concept, which have grown because of online dating: basically ‘blind’ dates with strangers (even if you’ve chatted loads first).

I sense this has led to a return to old-style etiquette - and perhaps more puritanical judgement about having sex on a first ‘date’. And quite sexist judgement of women who do this, as if they’re somehow ‘loose’. Bit depressing.

When I was in my 20s, we hung out in big mixed (gender and sexuality) groups of friends, and friends of friends, and that’s how you ‘got off’ with people. So, they weren’t really such strangers as with online dating. You could suss them out in person while hanging out in a group, and people knew them and could warn you if they were a wrong un. So it wasn’t so risky.

@DBD1975

o don't agree with you about the OP, I think she's as judgey as she says & her friend is less uptight.

but I do agree with wanting to tear
clothes off, and it being hard not to. But not felt the need to stop myself, so no issue with it 🤣🤣

Great thread supporting women's sexuality.

I had (amazing) sex with my DH on first dates twice - actually first time was before our 1st date, at a party. I was 16, loved him to bits but we broke up after a few months because another (stunning) girl took a fancy to him (I didn't blame her, he was gorgeous).

We got together again a few years later and again had sex on our first date but this time he stayed the night and never left. We got married, had 3 kids, celebrated our Ruby wedding (with amazing sex, obviously), then not long after he got ill and died. Now what am I meant to do?

@LaerealSilverhand Do things the traditional British way - blind drunk in an alley behind a club, and if that works out then maybe think about going out for dinner as a follow up.

The issue with this approach is that it generally involved a drunken man "making a move" on an equally drunk woman. It's not really socially acceptable anymore.

With a date, you at least know that the person has consented to being spoken to and also consented to spending time with you.

Each to their own obviously, but I really don't like the implication by some posters in this thread that sex is something that a woman gives to a man, as if it's a prize or a reward for appropriate behaviour. Women are just as entitled to men to have and enjoy sex on their terms, and the above attitude makes it seem like sex is the preserve of men and something that women provide. It's horrible

What an odd thing to say. What on earth has anyone's earnings got to do with any of it? You asked how it anyone could manage to have sex without 'dating' and I explained how plenty of people can, that's all. I'm not suggesting you should?!

The time above was someone's leaving do, as far as I recall. We went for an Italian meal and then on to a bar. The people who went on to the bar were all in our 20s and 30s. We were just a bunch of people who worked for a local authority. None of us were high earners at all, and we were all 'busy working' all week like anyone else but just not between the hours of 6pm and midnight on that particular night.

Sorry if that seems weird to you, but I really don't see why this is something you're struggling to understand.

I've no idea what the average salary on Mumsnet is, but I don't earn anywhere near £80k now, let alone back then when I was only in my mid 20s.

And this is a great podcast by a (female) psychologist dealing with the absolute nonsense theory of 'oxytocin bonding' https://open.spotify.com/episode/5ljy8xfr3eel6PUJSfZkst

On a tangent- do you not think there are signs there before sex that can help you spot selfish lover?

@Poppins21 No, I don't. Which is why try before you buy is an excellent idea. There is no way that I'm going to stay with a man that's rubbish in bed, so before feelings get involved, I will find out first. Saves a lot of messing around and, in some cases, heartache.

@KreedKafer What on earth has anyone's earnings got to do with any of it?

Well it was a remark regarding the fact that people being lazy (having student-style drunk nights) seem to be paid disproportionately high salaries. I thought in the adult world, there was no time for that. I've never done it after being a student.

You asked how it anyone could manage to have sex without 'dating'

So how did your work colleague end up having sex with you without overstepping multiple red lines? That's the part that's not making sense.

Look at it like this.
You have had a lovely evening wines flowing, no kids are in as obviously if you have any. You feel so happy, all the hormones are doing their thing etc. Isit better to deny yourself of it then when it's fun than planned out a few dates later?

Its partly because of puritanical misogynistic attitudes when it comes to women and sex that women who find themselves in sexless marriages or marriages with no intimacy (although you can have one without the other) feel that they cant discuss something like this in RL and end up posting about it on boards like this one under an MN pseudonym.

Well it was a remark regarding the fact that people being lazy (having student-style drunk nights) seem to be paid disproportionately high salaries

Who 'seems to be paid disproportionately high salaries'? Nobody has told you how much they earn. You've just made up the salary thing in your head.

I thought in the adult world, there was no time for that

Why? Why would there not be time? Regardless of salary, adults have some leisure time. I don't know anyone, on any salary, who works from morning until bedtime, seven days a week. Spending an evening having a meal followed by a few drinks in a bar doesn't take up any more time than, eg, watching television all evening or going to the cinema.

So how did your work colleague end up having sex with you without overstepping multiple red lines? That's the part that's not making sense.

There was an obvious mutual attraction between us, lots of flirty eye contact and body language which we both responded to. It would have been very clear to me if he hadn't been interested in me, and vice versa. No line was overstepped because we were both sending obvious signals to one another that we were attracted to each other. It wasn't a case of him 'making a move' on me; it was a mutual thing.

If reading those signals is something you find difficult, then of course, online dating is probably a better option for you. We're all different.

When I was younger I would go on dates, get bored of talking to them so start kissing them and then end up sleeping with them. These guys (who I wasn’t well matched with) would then ask me out, and I was awful at saying no, so I’d end up in a mediocre relationship that was entirely based on sex. It would usually end after a few weeks.
Then I dated a guy who I actually liked talking to. We didn’t even kiss till the third date. It was very brief just before I had to catch a tram and it felt like the most romantic thing. Eventually we slept together and it actually turned me off him a bit. It went okay for a while but we were into different things sexually so the relationship in the end didn’t work out.
Then I had a couple of years where I worked as a sex worker and had a few friends with benefits (except it was only benefits they weren’t in any way friends 😂). I had lots of amazing sex that was completely separate from love/relationships.
Then I decided to give dating another go. I really wanted to go on lots of different dates, meet lots of different people and really find someone that I properly got on with and connected with (not just someone I wanted to have sex with).
I matched with a few guys on hinge. I arranged a date with one of them at a nice restaurant. I was really tired on the day of the date, I didn’t really feel like going. I would’ve cancelled except I’d paid a non-refundable deposit to reserve the table. So along I went. And I said to myself that I wouldn’t have sex with him (because I was already tired and I had a busy day at work the next day).
and it ended up being the best date of my entire life. We talked so much it took us hours to finish our food. We went for a walk and had the most perfect first kiss. It felt like we’d spent the entire evening laughing. And so I absolutely couldn’t resist going home with him.
And I haven’t slept with anyone else since. I immediately dropped all my clients and ‘friends’ with benefits.
We still spend all our time laughing. I’m still completely obsessed with him. And hopefully it’ll stay that way for many more years to come.
I think my point is that as long as you’re mindful about why you want to have sex with them then it’s probably a good thing to sleep together on a first date. You don’t put in all the emotional investment only to find out that you’re sexually incompatible. BUT if you’re just having sex because it’s more fun than talking to them, then whilst it’s a great way to end the night, it probably doesn’t signify that the relationship will be successful.

People talk about how wonderful it is that women have the voice now to say they love sex as much as the next person and they feel free to admit it. This is all good although I think it is more to do with having the mindset now that's it's just a 'shag' and a woman is as entitled to feel like this as men are. What about the women who couldn't have this mindset even if they genuinely have a high sex drive and love sex within a relationship. I couldn't in my days before marriage 'shag' and leave and I would have absolutely hated the idea of a man who would shag and leave me. I don't see this as an outdated approach today in any way whatsoever. It's all about choice and individual feeligs and attitude.

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/article/2024/aug/24/were-not-as-open-about-sex-as-we-imagine-gillian-anderson-on-pleasure-powerful-women-and-collecting-secret-fantasies

You have... weirdly rigid and simplistic views about a lot of things.

I couldn't in my days before marriage 'shag' and leave and I would have absolutely hated the idea of a man who would shag and leave me. I don't see this as an outdated approach today in any way whatsoever. It's all about choice and individual feelings and attitude.

Judging other women and calling them names because they can and do enjoy sex without/before relationships is dated and misogynist.

DH 26 years ago and counting