Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

"What do you mean stabbing is wrong? I haven't read that law!"

On the other hand, we need to make sure, both at home and at school, that people do know the law on consent. And protect the minority that @SleeplessInWherever talks about from the consequences of their ignorance. Because it is fairly well known that ignorance of the law is no excuse.

What I am suggesting, is that if he’s been “doing consent” differently with others, he could be doing it the same way here.

Doing consent differently lol.

Not gaining explicit consent before penetrating someone is not "doing consent differently", it's not "doing consent" at all!

I edited my last post while you responded, so you didn't have the chance to confirm for me that you'd feel a valid explanation for a man choking you or punching you in the face or deep throating you til you vomited etc etc without gaining your explicit consent would be that he had "done consent differently" with previous partners.

Isn't consent explained in school?

I think that depends on where you went to school, when, and what kind of school.

If you’re asking genuinely, or sex ed at school involved awkward looking teachers putting condoms on bananas and explaining how babies are made, and the process of giving birth to them. That’s essentially it.

Comments aimed towards you have been very restrained indeed imho, given the views you are expressing.

That's the advantage, for you, of a talk forum with guidelines.

Is there not an implied consent given that the regular sex was consented to

As numerous posters have quoted, consent for one sex act is not considered consent for any or other sex acts.

The freezing etc at the time, I don't know how it would be regarded.

Well it wasn't 60 years ago! I don't know. But the point that failure to protest is not equivalent to consent is quite a difficult one, especially for boys, to understand. If you have never had experience of freezing in fear it may not be obvious it can happen. It needs spelling out. Note, I am not condoning boys having little insight into passivity, but we do bring up boys not to be passive from an early age so I think it does need explicit teaching.

Well that depends if you think people have the right to speak to each other like shit for disagreeing with them. Don’t recall being asked for my consent for that.

I’ll answer your last point but I don’t really see why it’s valid.

I don’t know if it’s reasonable for a man to assume he’s allowed to choke someone because others have allowed him to, because I’m not claiming to make blanket rules for all people to follow in their sex lives. What I, or someone else think is reasonable, doesn’t have to be what you think is reasonable, that’s how life works.

I don't see how difficult it is to understand. A person is gyrating against you, moaning, telling you what they want you to do, kissing you or they are lying there rigid with fear. The former is enthusiastic consent the latter is rape.

I’m in my late thirties. It wasn’t explained in school, and it wasn’t an active feature of my early sex life. When I was single again and dating in my early-mid thirties though, all the men I had sex with, in their thirties and early forties, actively sought consent, in subtle and explicit ways, for each new act. So the message has got through to that generation (at least the cerebral, switched-on ones).

Fortunately, the law of the land does make rules for all people to follow. You don't have to use those laws to protect you in your own life, but people, in this case largely men, still have to follow them, and mustn't rely on only meeting women who don't care about them.

I wasn't taught it at school either, I meant now. I'm sure they're taught about sex and consent at school.

Why do they even need to understand ‘failure to protest’ though? When they can save themselves all that confusion by simply asking? “Do you want me to…” “Can I touch you here…” “How do you feel about…”

But you don't require explicit consent to be anally penetrated for the first time by men you've had sex with 4 times, while sleepy and on a sedative ... so why would you require consent for randomers on an anonymous forum to criticise you or call you out as a rape apologist who's projecting your "doing consent differently" belief onto other people.

It is probably easy to understand once it is pointed out. I'm not sure it is quite so instinctive as you think. I am pretty sure in my adolescence the majority of both boys and girls would have said it was the duty of the woman to say no, and if she didn't the man couldn't be expected to desist.
FWIW I would have been one of the minority. But I do think it needs teaching.

There’s an awful lot of attempt at shaming going on in that first part.

Again, not projecting anything. I’ve not said that you, or OP, should respond in any other way than the way you have.

I don’t know if it’s reasonable for a man to assume he’s allowed to choke someone because others have allowed him to, because I’m not claiming to make blanket rules for all people to follow in their sex lives.

You don't know if it's reasonable for a man to assume he's allowed to choke you because others have allowed him to??

Have you ever considered counseling?

I agree. You are entitled to live your life the way you want. I think people thought you were making excuses for the man. But they were out of order criticising your choices for you.

Consent is being taught in schools as far as I'm aware. I agree that enthusiastic consent does need to be taught.

Honestly. At what point does it become my business whether a man, or woman, does basically anything in their own sex life.

I don’t know because it’s not up to me what you think is reasonable, it’s very much your life. If you don’t think it’s reasonable for a man to do anything, that’s fair enough. You do you.

I can see, or suspect, that you’re for some reason trying to goad me into the judgemental journey you’re on, but honestly? No thanks.

There’s an awful lot of attempt at shaming going on in that first part.

I'm stating facts.

In recent posts, I outlined the op's situation and you reiterated that you wouldn't have a problem with it/you wouldn't need explicit consent for it, that you see anal sex as exactly the same as vaginal sex, and that this man could have assumed consent (without explicit consent) because he "did consent differently" with other people.

If you find that shaming, well ....

Honestly. At what point does it become my business whether a man, or woman, does basically anything in their own sex life.

Why did you comment on this thread then?