Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

@Fluffyelephant But she did say sex on 3rd date and 'next morning ' this happened. So had 3 or 4 dates since, carrying on as normal and not talking about it? Perhaps it's just dawning now that it's not normal, very far from it.

I think she meant it was their 7 or 8th date but the 3rd time / date on which they'd had sex

Correct.

No, we’re saying that this is evidence that he had no intention of seeking consent. It doesn’t even sound like he was checking she was awake and ready for any sexual activity.

I often have sex with my partner in the morning, before we’ve even spoken to each other. But we are sure the other is awake, and there is lots of non-verbal signalling - and then foreplay! - so there is no doubt we are awake and consenting.

Aside from the consent issue, we’d both be fuming if the other deliberately woke us up!

We haven't seen each other, spoken or messaged since it happened.

That’s a pretty sure sign he knows what he did was wrong.

It would probably also be a factor in your favour if you did report it. Very often women don’t realise straight away what happened, or try to convince themselves it was all fine and they wanted it. They then carry on seeing the man, maybe even messaging that they enjoyed it. That’s then used against them.

Of course, you might not want to report. But you can still seek professional support, from Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid or your GP.

If you did report, it is possible that the police have a record of similar behaviour from this man. Sometimes they just need one more complainant to make a case.

And hilarious to compare springing anal sex (an act which requires extreme care due to the injury to the woman which can be sustained) on a woman when you are already in a spooning position to a woman giving a man an unexpected blow job. Coz they're just the same

Absolutely as all men know that there are women who aren't into it.
I've heard the 'by mistake' lie before, too.

And these supposed cohorts (AKA men/boys and coerced girls/women where anal is all now cool and not a big deal) this wouldn't have anything to do with the shocking rise in not just the availability of porn but how much violent and hardcore this easily accessed porn is?

Nice. I'm getting that grim ad pop up of a bruised face Sara Cox on my app. On this thread too.

You’ve clearly not read the original post! Jesus.

I hope you’re ok op and this thread isn’t making you feel any worse. We can all report to remove if that helps.

I don’t think it was a mistake. It’s a very different feeling between a vagina and an anus for a man as I’ve just discussed this with my dp. We’ve been in 4 year relationship and it’s always a case of consent before this ever happens and it’s been like this with the few man I’ve been with as men do not see this as part of consent that is gained for piv - it’s completely seperate and some women simply do not like or want it.

If he knew op had taken valium he probably saw or as an opportunity to try what he wanted and she might be too drowsy/zoned out etc to protest, or not feel discomfort/pain as much etc.
I find it even more predatory and opportunistic than I did before .... And I already thought it was a stealthy assault that ignored consent.

From your description of the act, he definitely took a chance at doing something he didn't know if you would consent to or be able to object to being held in a tight grip, but a much bigger stronger man.

I would say it was rape, and the fact he hasn't made contact after, suggests he does too.

I would report him, but I understand this might be hard for you ❤️

@TellingFriends you sound like you are in a lot of shock trying to process what happened. Get some support in real life and agree with pp that he knows what he did was wrong hence nc. Also are you physically ok as anal sex without prep is painful. See a gp if this is the case and sending you a hug x

Thank you for the kind words. I feel much too embarrassed to speak to anyone IRL.

Rape Crisis have spoken to thousands of women who have experienced similar. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it would be good to clarify any questions you have.

Please look at the tea consent video which has been posted a few times on this thread. It's not perfect but will clarify what consent is.

I'm so sorry 😞 it's shocking what he did to you. I think he knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew that you had not consented. Him putting his rugby shirt on you beforehand and then waiting until you were sleepy is really disturbing. I agree with the other pp that it may be helpful to give rape crisis a call. It doesn't mean you have to report him, but it would give you someone to talk to properly. I think the support they can offer will help you process this awful event.

Please do get in touch with your local Rape Crisis Centre. You need help with processing all this.

I would also recommend counselling. The fact that you let him do this awful thing to you - and actually wondered whether this might be acceptable! - is a clear indication that your self-esteem and boundaries need serious work. An experienced therapist can help with this.

At some point you may want to read some self-help books, such as..
Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Why Does He Do That (free pdf online)
And do the Freedom Programme.

Obviously block the man who raped you. Because you were raped.

Thank you so much for the update which I think make things a lot clearer. It certainly sounds like you felt you were in a safe and loving environment and very suddenly found you weren't - I suppose it's vaguely possible he initially found the wrong hole by accident but there's no way he couldn't have immediately known and the subsequent silence is deafening. I certainly think you need to talk to someone - quite possibly Rape Crisis. In my personal opinion I fear your thread has now rather been hijacked by other people trying to score points.

The fact that you let him do this awful thing to you - and actually wondered whether this might be acceptable! - is a clear indication that your self-esteem and boundaries need serious work. An experienced therapist can help with this.

This is the type of language, whether it's meant in this way or not, is incredibly damaging and indicates victim blaming. Please stop this. OP didn't let him do anything to her, she was raped, she didn't invite him to do this. She froze. You are implying that she should have said "no" and told him not to do it. She is wondering if it's acceptable but knows deep down it's not - hence this thread. Being confused, hurt, angry etc are all natural responses to being attacked like this. You don't want to believe this could happen to you. I was attacked by someone who defends rapists in a court of law!!! Unbelievable but true. Nothing to do with boundaries or self-esteem when you are with a rapist, or being attacked by one.

Firstly there is no such thing as non-consensual sex. It is sex with consent or it is rape.

For some of you, your head will explode when you realise that some women have orgasmed while being raped. Are you going to say that can't be rape then?

I 100% recommend you do this. They really do help.

They've had 7/8 dates. Dates 4-5 did not end in sex, 5/8 did. HTH.