Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

@Divasaurus

but you are messing with the wrong person

You're really not as intimidating as you seem to think you are. At all.

What does this even mean? What's your plan here as to punish people who you think have 'messed' with you?

But would you include in that initiating anal sex without warning? I'm genuinely surprised.

Are you enjoying yourself?

@OnTheRoll

Somebody early on the thread even suggested reporting it to the police, for God's sake

The law says that consent to one sex act cannot be taken as presumptive consent to another sex act.

It's a crime.

Note, it is slander to accuse someone of saying things that they haven’t, even on a chat forum

Libel.

🙄

I don't understand why you don't want to answer this @Divasaurus.

I dunno about you but I'm terrified.

Pmsl.

We appear to have Kat Slater from Eastenders gracing us with her presence this evening.

Except legally, it is rape. He penetrated her anally without her consent. That is rape whether you like it or not.

Consenting to one sexual act doesn’t mean that all sexual acts your heart desires are now on the table. Someone consenting to oral sex doesn’t mean that if you proceed to vaginally rape them it stops being rape. Someone consenting to vaginal sex doesn’t mean that if you proceed to anally rape them it stops being rape.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain this.

@Divasaurus

Note, it is slander to accuse someone of saying things that they haven’t, even on a chat forum

Note, it isn't.

Libel is a defamatory statement that is written. Slander is a defamatory statement that is oral.

Fear responses will always exist, and unfortunately women have lots to fear from some men.

Once men like the ones talked about in the OP no longer exist, women may be able to trust the rest of us.

And we haven't even got onto choking. Which provably can cause brain damage, either by oxygen deprivation or damage to the arteries going to the brain. And in the nature of things is hard to say no to once initiated. Is it fine to start doing this during consensual sex without warning?

Christ you're thick. I didn't "cut and paste random quotes".

I PARAPHRASED her. I put IN...MY.....OWN.....WORDS what she said. I didn't 'quote' anyone.

You still haven't looked up with PARAPHRASED means, have you? Here is the definition; verb

express the meaning of (something written or spoken) using different words, especially to achieve greater clarity.
"you can either quote or paraphrase literary texts"
Similar:
reword

rephrase

put/express in other words

put/express in one's own words

To be honest. Yes, I would.

But I will say that’s because prior to “entrance” there’s opportunity to say “not there” “no thanks” or you know, move it. Gesture in some way, make it known it’s not a thing.

I wouldn’t see initiating it as a problem. I’d see continuing it after the above as a problem. But then I also don’t see anal sex as some big taboo thing that I need to get heat up about.

For some it’s part of sex, for some it isn’t. Either is fine, but I still see making that known as my responsibility. It’s my body and I’m responsible for what I allow in it and where.

I can obviously see from the thread that some people freeze, and don’t say. But as a “sayer,” I don’t require a conversation prior to that either.

She (he) doesn't even know what paraphrasing means. She (he) still genuinely believes I 'quoted' someone else, when I was just speaking in my own words. So the fact they don't know the difference between libel and slander is not a surprise.

I know you’re not implying otherwise, but I do want to be clear - I’ve met fearful men.

I’m a former DV victim, and have been sexually assaulted.

Where I struggle is the assumption that it’s all of you.

Those men will always exist, but that’s their responsibility, and doesn’t cloud my trust of the whole of the male population.

Very happy to thanks - unlike you I don’t need to backtrack/ lie to cover myself.

Wife2b originally mentioned allowing an act to take place silently but not stopping it.

YOU quoted someone else who used the word
’froze’. Quite apart from the fact that, again, I never responded to that poster, freezing is very different from silently allowing something to happen. Freezing suggests stiffening, fear. This definition from online:

become suddenly motionless or paralysed with fear or shock.
"she froze in horror"

The latter suggests a state of being that it would be very difficult to believe the man couldn’t sense/be aware of, therefore this could imply lack of consent.

‘Silently’ could mean happy or unhappy silence. No way to know unless the person is vocal about their feelings or then pulls away.

Regardless, I will say for the millionth time for the benefit of those who clearly have reading/comprehension problems, I didn’t respond to the poster who mentioned freezing. My reply was to Wife2b.

because prior to “entrance” there’s opportunity to say “not there” “no thanks” or you know, move it. Gesture in some way, make it known it’s not a thing.

That's total and utter bullshit.

Erm. It isn’t.

Perhaps I’ve only met men who listen, but all three of those opportunities have been taken in my own personal past.

It can’t be bullshit, it happened.

Again, for the fiftieth FUCKING TIME.

I DID NOT "QUOTE" ANYONE. I WROTE IN....MY....OWN....WORDS. Please stop LYING and MISREPRESENTING me.

And, you still did not even answer the question!

PS. When you 'freeze', you become SILENT.

"She" is not a person to be messed (!) with, so maybe you better not point that out, in case she does you for slander, innit.

Many people, obviously not you, require preparation before anal sex and lots of lube. It therefore needs discussion. Consent would be given during discussion but can of course be withdrawn at any time.

It's a very common response for someone to freeze during an assault. Especially for someone with a history of sexual abuse. During the freeze response you don't move or speak, it's nature's way of protecting you.

People react differently to assault, some people freeze and some people fight, others might even pretend to enjoy it so they don't get further hurt.

I don’t have some magic self lubricating anus.

Can’t believe that’s a sentence I’ve even just typed.

But it is in that lubrication/prep stage I would say “I don’t know what you need that for, it’s not going in there,” if that was my preference.

But then I also don’t see anal sex as some big taboo thing that I need to get heat up about.

Neither does anyone here.

And it's "het" up about.

Oh for goodness sake! Read my post, it was in response to someone who completely misrepresented what I had said and I wasn’t going to let that go without defending myself. I literally cut and pasted what this person had written to show that they were wrong, that’s all I meant by ‘messing with the wrong person’. Not that I’m some gangster 🤣 This thread….. Many without the thick skin I have would have let it go but I won’t let someone lie about what I have said.

No, it may be genuinely how she feels about it, and she has never had a bad experience. You cannot invalidate her feelings. What you can say is that that is not what the law says. You can't say her experience is wrong, just because she has never had to rely on the law to avoid or complain about being assaulted. You can say that she would be wrong to advise that other people must do as she does. I don't think she did, except by implication.