Page 14 | Does anal sex need explicit consent?

TellingFriends · 2024-09-01T19:18:02+00:00

2 month relationship. Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first? Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him. Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it? Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:48

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whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:49

If a woman is performing oral sex on a man and he holds her head down and very roughly pushes it up and down, without warning, and she freezes rather than resisting or shouting, would you think he could be described as sexually assaulting her? After all, she didn't say anything? She didn't say no? Does her not saying know once it was already happening mean that he didn't sexually assault her? That he could reasonably expect she would consent to rough oral sex without warning? Genuinely interested in your thoughts on that @Divasaurus.

SleeplessInWherever · 01/09/2024 23:49

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:47

Not in my experience and observation.

(And if they do candid surveys, a significant portion of men admit it too.

Like the disturbing US university one).

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Maybe. I do feel like we’re edging towards “all/most men are dangerous” however, and that’s not a view that I share.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:49

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Look up the word PARAPHRASING before you continue to embarrass yourself any more than you already have.

Veebee89 · 01/09/2024 23:50

OnTheRoll · 01/09/2024 23:41

@username44416
Reread the OP and stop making up lies. You shouldn't comment on things you don't understand when there's a vulnerable person reading it.

You and others need to stop making assumptions about OP to fit your agenda. I am a CSA victim as well, it does not necessarily make women a silent victim.

You can keep bleating on about rape however it would have been far more helpful to talk about why she felt unable to stop or even say anything at the time to the man she was having consensual sex with.

Even if she had said something as soon as he stuck his dick in her arse it would be too late by that point wouldn’t it? He’d have already raped her.

If he’d checked with her first she would have said no. He didn’t give her a chance to stop him, he just stuck it straight in.

I would be in total shock if someone did that to me. I imagine that’s why she didn’t say anything.

I hope you weren’t victim blamed as a CSA victim in the way you’re trying to victim blame the original poster.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:51

The fact of the matter is, @Divasaurus , the law disagrees with you. Therefore, you are wrong. It really is as simple as that.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:51

@Divasaurus

To be clear, you're saying that this statement:

You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Doesn't mean the same as if "a woman froze and didn't scream" it cannot be called rape?

And that the first statement is common sense, but the second isn't?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/09/2024 23:53

SleeplessInWherever · 01/09/2024 23:41

That all makes sense, and I’m sure you’re a decent guy.

But in the interest of transparency, I think it’s a real shame you have to remove doubt.

In my view - I’m as responsible for “using my words” when I’m not into something as men are. I don’t have some god given right to being begged for sex or to be reassured that my intentions are understood.

If I’ve arrived in someone’s house, bed, or in some kind of sexual situation- it can be assumed that I’m into it, without doubt - and if I change my mind, I’ll say/make it known.

Honestly it’s great you’re so curteous. But in my personal view, it wouldn’t be necessary for someone to offer me that.

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It's great that you're comfortable enough for that, but not all women are, and if I'm with a new partner I have no idea what your limits are, whether you'll tell me or just freeze if I accidentally push those limits.

If I'm with someone like you, then I'll probably fairly quickly get a "Just shut up and get on with it", in which case I've got a fairly good idea that I have enthusiastic consent for anything vanilla.

But it's not difficult to get consent, most of the times it's a word or two, or a pause so she indicates with her movements that she wants it. And I'd rather be over cautious than under.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:53

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:47

Wtf? Wife2b said and I quote: "go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped."

That is what she said. That being silent means it's not rape.

So you've lied. You've demonstrated you cannot follow a thread and, you are uneducated on the LAW when it comes to rape. You are making a fool of yourself. And you know it and we all know it.

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You are now quoting different words that WERE in her orignal post and which yes, I agree with. Honestly, I know you are desperately trying to save face here but you are messing with the wrong person - see my last post before this one which exposes exactly what you were responding to originally despite your pathetic attempts now to backtrack.

Note, it is slander to accuse someone of saying things that they haven’t, even on a chat forum.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:53

*Even if she had said something as soon as he stuck his dick in her arse it would be too late by that point wouldn’t it? He’d have already raped her.

If he’d checked with her first she would have said no. He didn’t give her a chance to stop him, he just stuck it straight in.

I would be in total shock if someone did that to me. I imagine that’s why she didn’t say anything.*

Yes, yes and yes.

aurynne · 01/09/2024 23:53

TellingFriends · 01/09/2024 20:22

Also, this might sound naive but could this happen by accident? Lying down, 'spoon' position. Could it have been a mistake?

An erect penis does not accidentally slip into an anus.

OnTheRoll · 01/09/2024 23:54

whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:46

@ontheroll

Using the phrase "bleating on about rape" in any context is so unbelievably vile.

Because when it's not rape, going on and on indignantly about it in capital letters and rudely attempting to shut up others is exactly that - as well as lumping the awkward and unpleasant sexual experience in with actual rape.

Somebody early on the thread even suggested reporting it to the police, for God's sake

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:55

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:51

The fact of the matter is, @Divasaurus , the law disagrees with you. Therefore, you are wrong. It really is as simple as that.

The law; and all decency & sense

Unfortunately this thread has attracted representatives of the part of the human race who have neither.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 23:56

OnTheRoll · 01/09/2024 23:54

Because when it's not rape, going on and on indignantly about it in capital letters and rudely attempting to shut up others is exactly that - as well as lumping the awkward and unpleasant sexual experience in with actual rape.

Somebody early on the thread even suggested reporting it to the police, for God's sake

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Of course it was rape. Rape is non consensual sex but you already know that. Do you think rape shouldn't be reported to the police?

INeedAnotherName · 01/09/2024 23:56

OnTheRoll · 01/09/2024 23:54

Because when it's not rape, going on and on indignantly about it in capital letters and rudely attempting to shut up others is exactly that - as well as lumping the awkward and unpleasant sexual experience in with actual rape.

Somebody early on the thread even suggested reporting it to the police, for God's sake

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She didn't consent.

Therefore it is rape. The law is very clear about that.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:57

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:53

You are now quoting different words that WERE in her orignal post and which yes, I agree with. Honestly, I know you are desperately trying to save face here but you are messing with the wrong person - see my last post before this one which exposes exactly what you were responding to originally despite your pathetic attempts now to backtrack.

Note, it is slander to accuse someone of saying things that they haven’t, even on a chat forum.

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You clearly don't know the difference between 'quote' and 'paraphrasing'.

What she said is the same as what I said, simply worded differently.

I know you are desperate to save face since you've been howled down on here, but you're making a fool of yourself.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 23:57

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:55

The law; and all decency & sense

Unfortunately this thread has attracted representatives of the part of the human race who have neither.

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There's a little band of them who don't 'understand' consent. We should probably stop feeding them.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:57

whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:51

@Divasaurus

To be clear, you're saying that this statement:

You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Doesn't mean the same as if "a woman froze and didn't scream" it cannot be called rape?

And that the first statement is common sense, but the second isn't?

It doesn’t matter what I think, you (and @CrochetForLife ) are using my
response to one post and attributing it to another! Can YOU not see how wrong that is???

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:57

but you are messing with the wrong person

Lol.

We're all suitably cowed.

SleeplessInWherever · 01/09/2024 23:59

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/09/2024 23:53

It's great that you're comfortable enough for that, but not all women are, and if I'm with a new partner I have no idea what your limits are, whether you'll tell me or just freeze if I accidentally push those limits.

If I'm with someone like you, then I'll probably fairly quickly get a "Just shut up and get on with it", in which case I've got a fairly good idea that I have enthusiastic consent for anything vanilla.

But it's not difficult to get consent, most of the times it's a word or two, or a pause so she indicates with her movements that she wants it. And I'd rather be over cautious than under.

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Yeah, can see why.

Cutting temporarily through all of the stuff in this thread, I generally think it’s a huge shame that we live in a world when men need to be cautious because as women, we’re reciting the law and filling in “you can touch me” checklists.

My default approach to men isn’t that I’m at risk and they’re all serial assaulters who put me in danger.

I can see why there are men who require verbal and clear consent, but as I said above, I genuinely would find if off putting because I feel it would suggest I’m going to report them for assault for looking in my general direction.

TriesNotToBeCynical · 02/09/2024 00:00

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:53

You are now quoting different words that WERE in her orignal post and which yes, I agree with. Honestly, I know you are desperately trying to save face here but you are messing with the wrong person - see my last post before this one which exposes exactly what you were responding to originally despite your pathetic attempts now to backtrack.

Note, it is slander to accuse someone of saying things that they haven’t, even on a chat forum.

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It's only slander if it brings them into disrepute with people who've heard the words. Which is pretty unlikely given what you've already said on your own account.

CrochetForLife · 02/09/2024 00:00

I repeat, again, for those confused souls who think not getting consent isn't rape. Here is the UK law:

"What is sexual consent?

Consent is defined by section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g.to vaginal but not anal sex or penetration with conditions, such as wearing a condom."

reportandsupport.sheffield.ac.uk/support/what-is-sexual-consent

HazelPlayer · 02/09/2024 00:00

Somebody early on the thread even suggested reporting it to the police, for God's sake

Why should a man who anally raped someone not be reported to the police?

Consent to vaginal intercourse is not consent to sex in your outhole for faeces.

Not sure what your intense difficulty in understanding that is.

CrochetForLife · 02/09/2024 00:01

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:57

It doesn’t matter what I think, you (and @CrochetForLife ) are using my
response to one post and attributing it to another! Can YOU not see how wrong that is???

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No surprise you won't address the issue.

Divasaurus · 02/09/2024 00:01

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:57

You clearly don't know the difference between 'quote' and 'paraphrasing'.

What she said is the same as what I said, simply worded differently.

I know you are desperate to save face since you've been howled down on here, but you're making a fool of yourself.

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God you are unbelievable, you do realise that you can’t just cut and paste random quotes and attribute them to a particular poster because you - in your grossly uneducated view - think that they mean the same thing? You literally took another poster’s words (which by the way do NOT mean the same thing) and attributed my response to Wife2b to them! That is not ‘paraphrasing’. The only person who looks ridiculous here is you and I would have a lot more respect for you if you just owned your mistake. You can still stand by your poisonous views and insults in doing so…