Page 11 | Does anal sex need explicit consent?

TellingFriends · 2024-09-01T19:18:02+00:00

2 month relationship. Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first? Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him. Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it? Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

Doodleflips · 01/09/2024 22:56

@Wife2b read the full thread, and then come back here and say that. I really hope you won’t. The thread is a good education for those open minded enough to learn.

Greywhippet · 01/09/2024 22:58

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 22:54

It’s frightening how many people call this rape. Are we meant to sign a written contract now for any sexual act? The woman in this context could have said no. If no effort was made to make her feelings known, is he supposed to be a mind reader? On the flip side, if the woman decides to slip a cheeky finger down there to find his gspot but doesn’t ask consent first (though he silently goes along with it thus implying enjoyment) does that mean she sexually assaulted him? Is this how people have sex now, with a list of dos and donts? Absolutely anal should have warranted a small conversation either yes or no, but to go along with it does not mean rape. You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Oh dear god I despair.
Freezing is not ‘going along with it’
A sex act without consent is an assault
Yes people need to seek and be assured of consent for sex acts of all kinds

username44416 · 01/09/2024 22:58

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 22:54

It’s frightening how many people call this rape. Are we meant to sign a written contract now for any sexual act? The woman in this context could have said no. If no effort was made to make her feelings known, is he supposed to be a mind reader? On the flip side, if the woman decides to slip a cheeky finger down there to find his gspot but doesn’t ask consent first (though he silently goes along with it thus implying enjoyment) does that mean she sexually assaulted him? Is this how people have sex now, with a list of dos and donts? Absolutely anal should have warranted a small conversation either yes or no, but to go along with it does not mean rape. You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

She didn't initiate sex. They had had sex and then he had anal sex without her consent.

Yes, you get consent first before having sex; that's normal behaviour in line with the law.

The freeze response is a normal defence mechanism and very common during assault. It means you don't move or speak until the act is over.

Alittlebitfluffy · 01/09/2024 22:59

I've experienced something similar to this, and reading this thread has made me wonder the same. In your situation absolutely not okay at all.

In my situation he simply said he was going to 'get some lube', which to him was code for 'can we do anal'

I was all for it as lube only makes things better.. not realising where he was planning to put it! I also froze and didn't say a word. Tried to bring it up afterwards but he brushed it off as obviously it was for that and as that's where it's used! So to this day I feel extremely embarrassed for getting it so wrong and putting myself in that situation. I'm not confrontational at all so just let it go but felt absolutely grim about it ever since.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 23:00

Alittlebitfluffy · 01/09/2024 22:59

I've experienced something similar to this, and reading this thread has made me wonder the same. In your situation absolutely not okay at all.

In my situation he simply said he was going to 'get some lube', which to him was code for 'can we do anal'

I was all for it as lube only makes things better.. not realising where he was planning to put it! I also froze and didn't say a word. Tried to bring it up afterwards but he brushed it off as obviously it was for that and as that's where it's used! So to this day I feel extremely embarrassed for getting it so wrong and putting myself in that situation. I'm not confrontational at all so just let it go but felt absolutely grim about it ever since.

💐

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:01

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 22:54

It’s frightening how many people call this rape. Are we meant to sign a written contract now for any sexual act? The woman in this context could have said no. If no effort was made to make her feelings known, is he supposed to be a mind reader? On the flip side, if the woman decides to slip a cheeky finger down there to find his gspot but doesn’t ask consent first (though he silently goes along with it thus implying enjoyment) does that mean she sexually assaulted him? Is this how people have sex now, with a list of dos and donts? Absolutely anal should have warranted a small conversation either yes or no, but to go along with it does not mean rape. You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Be careful, you speak common sense! I completely agree with you.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:02

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 22:54

It’s frightening how many people call this rape. Are we meant to sign a written contract now for any sexual act? The woman in this context could have said no. If no effort was made to make her feelings known, is he supposed to be a mind reader? On the flip side, if the woman decides to slip a cheeky finger down there to find his gspot but doesn’t ask consent first (though he silently goes along with it thus implying enjoyment) does that mean she sexually assaulted him? Is this how people have sex now, with a list of dos and donts? Absolutely anal should have warranted a small conversation either yes or no, but to go along with it does not mean rape. You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Wtf did I just read? How can a fellow woman be so very utterly and deeply ignorant about rape and consent?

He penetrated her without her consent. That is RAPE!

What you're doing is being like a juror saying because the victim froze in fear and 'didn't say no' and 'didn't scream', she wasn't raped. As a rape survivor, your ignorance is heart-breaking and chilling. That it is a fellow woman, is DEVASTATING to read! Whether a woman 'screams out' or not, doesn't mean she wasn't raped. It's the same here.

What is it you don't understand, about the male GETTING CONSENT before hand? The onus is not on the victim to say no, to scream or to thrash about, the onus is on the MALE to GET CONSENT first. The onus is on him. NOT HER.

Juicyfroott · 01/09/2024 23:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Greywhippet · 01/09/2024 23:03

OP, this will probably change the way you feel about this person going forwards.
At the very least they disrespected you. That is horrible to realise about someone you have been intimate with.
I hope you are feeling ok

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:04

Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

NO.

I would expect consent to be clear and enthusiastic for vaginal intercourse.

I would expect that to be even more the case for anal sex ..... It is not designed for sex.

Sticking your dick in a woman's anus without asking consent is anal rape.

Consent to vaginal sex is not - in any way - consent to anal sex.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

So OP is lying? That's what you're saying?

KreedKafer · 01/09/2024 23:05

I have been in bed with someone who accidentally aimed at the wrong hole during a particularly, um, heated encounter. He immediately realised and immediately stopped and apologised profusely. He was genuinely mortified, even though any penetration was actually very minimal. He’d never mentioned anal before even in a fantasy context, and he was absolutely no shrinking violet when it came to talking about sex - I have no reason to believe it was anything other than an accident.

I have also been in bed with a different man who just switched holes without warning and carried on until I literally yelled at him in utter panic. He also claimed it was an accident. It was definitely not an accident. The difference between that experience (which was absolutely awful, the shock of the pain genuinely took my voice away initially and I was in pain for days afterwards) was very very obvious.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 01/09/2024 23:05

username44416 · 01/09/2024 22:31

If you get the opportunity, read up on the journey to get marital rape recognised. It took activists decades.

It seems to be getting worse. Someone on this thread was telling me how young women nowadays don't need to consent to anal sex as it's just expected.

I'm devastated for any women forced or coerced into unwanted sex acts.

Show quote history

I already have I studied Criminology and that was one of our topics. I was shocked when I first read that law saying a woman is her husband's property so consent to sex isn't needed. Women have been fighting for decades to get rape, sexual assault and DV categorised as a criminal offence and not the woman's fault. In fact the only law to protect DV victims came into place in the early 2000s and was still bullshit. Thank god for Claire's law something that actually saves a victims life and that's only been in place about 15 years.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 23:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

The OP froze; it's a common response to assault.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:06

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:01

Be careful, you speak common sense! I completely agree with you.

Show quote history

Saying that a woman froze and didn't scream thus she 'wasn't really raped' is not 'common sense'. You're being a rape apologist.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:06

The woman in this context could have said no.

The point for her to say no was not after a man had stuck his dick in her anus without asking!!!!!!

It was BEFORE.

Get it??

WTAF is wrong with some people.

KreedKafer · 01/09/2024 23:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This is just utter nonsense. You have no idea how other people might react to pain or shock.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 23:08

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 01/09/2024 23:05

I already have I studied Criminology and that was one of our topics. I was shocked when I first read that law saying a woman is her husband's property so consent to sex isn't needed. Women have been fighting for decades to get rape, sexual assault and DV categorised as a criminal offence and not the woman's fault. In fact the only law to protect DV victims came into place in the early 2000s and was still bullshit. Thank god for Claire's law something that actually saves a victims life and that's only been in place about 15 years.

Show quote history

Yes the Law of Coverture, horrendous. We're still fighting male entitlement to women's bodies, evident here on this thread.

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 23:12

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:02

Wtf did I just read? How can a fellow woman be so very utterly and deeply ignorant about rape and consent?

He penetrated her without her consent. That is RAPE!

What you're doing is being like a juror saying because the victim froze in fear and 'didn't say no' and 'didn't scream', she wasn't raped. As a rape survivor, your ignorance is heart-breaking and chilling. That it is a fellow woman, is DEVASTATING to read! Whether a woman 'screams out' or not, doesn't mean she wasn't raped. It's the same here.

What is it you don't understand, about the male GETTING CONSENT before hand? The onus is not on the victim to say no, to scream or to thrash about, the onus is on the MALE to GET CONSENT first. The onus is on him. NOT HER.

Show quote history

You lost me when you put all your focus on the THE MAN and THE WOMAN. Real people don’t have explicit conversations about sex and consent, one initiates and the other either joins in or says nah don’t fancy it. That’s generally how it happens. It’s up to both parties to say they’re not happy with x, y, z. I don’t know anyone who has sex like people on this thread suggest…

FWIW, as a teenager I had sex with someone and I was very unhappy about it. I didn’t for a second tell him or give him an inkling I wasn’t happy To this day I don’t consider him to be a rapist, the responsibility to make my feelings known was mine.

Divasaurus · 01/09/2024 23:12

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:06

Saying that a woman froze and didn't scream thus she 'wasn't really raped' is not 'common sense'. You're being a rape apologist.

Show quote history

Who exactly are you quoting? Do not take someone else’s words out of context and then quote my response to a completely different post. I was replying to @Wife2b

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:13

Here is the LAW.

"Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice. Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g.to vaginal but not anal "

https://www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/publications/what_is_consent_v2.pdf

whathaveiforgotten · 01/09/2024 23:14

@Wife2b

Real people don’t have explicit conversations about sex and consent, one initiates and the other either joins in or says nah don’t fancy it. That’s generally how it happens. It’s up to both parties to say they’re not happy with x, y, z.

So people should assume that any sex act is fair game and the best they can hope for is to stop it once it's already happening?

Rather than expecting that a sex act widely known to be painful without preparation and relaxation, should be even momentarily mentioned before taking place so someone can say they aren't happy with it happening to them?

They should just expect anything might happen and have the chance to say no after the fact?

You don't understand consent. At all.

Freedom to choose whether to take part in something is not the same as freedom to choose to say no to something that is already happening without discussion.

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 23:15

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:06

The woman in this context could have said no.

The point for her to say no was not after a man had stuck his dick in her anus without asking!!!!!!

It was BEFORE.

Get it??

WTAF is wrong with some people.

Edited

No one sticks a dick in without warning, especially if it isn’t something done regularly, there’s going to be resistance and opportunity to say WTF you doing, no thanks.

CrochetForLife · 01/09/2024 23:15

Wife2b · 01/09/2024 23:12

You lost me when you put all your focus on the THE MAN and THE WOMAN. Real people don’t have explicit conversations about sex and consent, one initiates and the other either joins in or says nah don’t fancy it. That’s generally how it happens. It’s up to both parties to say they’re not happy with x, y, z. I don’t know anyone who has sex like people on this thread suggest…

FWIW, as a teenager I had sex with someone and I was very unhappy about it. I didn’t for a second tell him or give him an inkling I wasn’t happy To this day I don’t consider him to be a rapist, the responsibility to make my feelings known was mine.

Show quote history

Wow. Your ignorance is astounding. You don't just 'initiate'. You have the conversation first.

When the man does not even ask first, then the focus and onus IS all on the man. Not the woman.

Educate yourself. Please.

HazelPlayer · 01/09/2024 23:15

Real people don’t have explicit conversations about sex and consent, one initiates and the other either joins in or says nah don’t fancy it

I have never in my life had anal sex without an explicit conversation.

It requires preparation.

I'm a real person.
My ex husband and current h are real people.

You don't start having anal sex with someone without asking or discussing it.

This is something porn sick men who don't care about consent might do.

Your posts are horrifying.

You say a woman should have said no to something a nan didn't give her a chance to say no to.

You say consent is something you withdraw after someone has already started to do something .....at which point they've already done it, without your consent.

Utterly illogical and bizarre.