Does anal sex need explicit consent?

[TellingFriends]

2 month relationship.

Man and woman have consensual PIV sex. Is it acceptable for him to have anal sex with her without asking first?

Woman would not have consented if asked beforehand but did not stop him.

Is it fair for him to assume the woman will say no if she doesn't want it?

Woman had never had anal sex before. Woman is also a CSA survivor but he didn't know this.

Then you have never had a man stare deep into your eyes and ask if he can penetrate you with his fingers. ☺️ Consent is hot. Talking about it is sexy. We're not fifteen. Saying you want someone inside you is exciting.

We are willing to call him a rapist because surprise, surprise, he is.

The fact you will repeatedly defend this is quite chilling. I suggest you read up on what constitutes rape and what enthusiastic consent is.

To add to anecdotal evidence, I've done it 3 times in 25 years of sexual activity.

First time, I was young, I was drunk, and I was inexperienced. I aimed badly. I was also oblivious, but only because she jumped out of bed and went "Never do that!" before I realised what had happened. I thought I'd just aimed at a bad angle or something and hurt her. It took about 10 minutes of talking over each other before I understood just how off my aim had been.

The second and third times were with current DP. (I'm going to be explicit for a minute here sorry.) DP likes being teased. As in she likes me to take my penis completely out of her, and then she has to pull me back in using her legs wrapped round me. It doesn't leave me with a lot of control over aim. It is however instantly obvious when my aim is off however. There's a resistance thats not there usually. It's very easy to quickly reverse course before actually entering her anus.

@Divasaurus

You said 'no' when I asked you if the belief I described was 'deeply concerning' to you, then explained that you do find that belief deeply concerning.

Unsure as to why you've given such a conflicting yes /no answer.

Very odd.

I’m a bit worried for the op that it was condom free alone. The first time you have sex with someone should probably be with a condom.

You are a fucking dickhead. How you can read the responses to you, and still say it isn’t rose is beyond me.
it.is.rape! You are a massive moron, and you’re making a horrible situation for op even worse by dismissing and invalidating it. Do better.
I hope it never happens to you, because it is horrendous.

Thanks for saying this...I was beginning to think me and my exes were all weird and we should all be completely mute during sex and just randomly insert things into each other and hope for the best.

There's always been a fair bit of positive verbal communications and non verbal enthusiasm involved personally.

A man, I'm assuming, posted up thread describing how he and his long-term partner figured out consent...that was completely what I've experienced and how it is supposed to be.

The law is beyond fuck*d for rape and SA victims, and this is why I'll never got to court. I have since learnt during my hell of an ordeal, that the cps and the criminal justice system isn't designed to help, or get justice for women like myself or @TellingFriends. They will tear you down even before a charge is made. (and this is coming from someone who has some good evidence of a rape taking place). Defense barristers will still use the logic that the women didn't 'scream' 'fight' or 'say no'. They will slut-shame and paint a nasty picture that we wanted it, and our past experiences have mis-clouded our judgement. I was recently asked in a police interview "How did you say
"No?". What a vile, disgusting and unbelievable question. I have never felt more broken and let down by the cps, police or CJS.

Please get some counselling @TellingFriends or seek some support. You can heal from this, but i'm sorry to say, if you go down the route of reporting, I highly doubt it will go any further than just reporting. Just from personal experience.

Hope you're okay and know that none of this was your fault x

Unacceptable and I would get rid. Sorry op.

Absolutely! Any new act requires consent. It’s a simple question, not a big ask.

No that's incorrect, drunk or hammered man, yes you can.

Frankly, the fact that you and others also repeatedly defend your stance and insist upon calling this man a rapist is also chilling! I know exactly what constitutes rape and the fact
is that this man had no reason to think that OP didn’t consent.

The irony is that I actually agree with much if not all of what has been said about both him and anal sex on this thread. A decent man WOULD ask for consent and ensure that OP was happy and enjoying what was happening as much as he was. All I have stated from the beginning is that, despicable though he is, he cannot be called a rapist - at least based on what OP has told us which is all we have to go on.

Really concerning how so many women do not seem to understand the principles of enthusiastic and clear consent. I wonder if there needs to be explicit consent training for juries before all rape and sexual assault trials. The damage of internalised misogyny runs so deep in our society- so many women who continue to defend and make excuses for male violence and entitlement.

Non consensual sex is rape. He didn't have consent therefore he's a rapist.

@Divasaurus and don’t bother replying, your posts after the one I replied to show that you are not only a rape apologist, you are incredibly stupid, and too busy telling everyone about your wonderful critical
thinking to release how damaging you are being.
You are wrong, and many, many people have told you that on this thread, are you really that dense, that you can’t take a step back and think about it, or would that require taking a good look at yourself? Which, by the way, you REALLY need to!
god, I despair of attitudes like yours.
Hope your daughter never has any issues with men, I can’t imagine what your response would be

Anal sex poses no sexual benefit for women at all whatsoever, and it needs a LOT of lube and preparation. So, yes, to do something like that requires explicit consent and a lot of lube and preparation. It is rape to not get consent. It is. It is rape.

This thread seems to have gone off at quite a tangent which may not be helping the OP if she's still trying to wade through it. At the end of the day the only person who can really know what his intentions were is the guy who did it and for whatever reason there appears to be no indication of what has been said since. The OP should have a reasonable idea of whether this sort of thing was "in character" - if it wasn't he must surely have been hugely apologetic since. It's very clear that this was done against the OP's will which is the legal definition of rape - whether he'd be convicted is another matter...

Are you a rapist? Is that what the problem is here? Do you not believe in the need for consent? Are you trying to justify your own behaviour?

I'm sorry OP, you were raped. You need to call him out on it. He knew what he was doing. He is scum.

He penetrated her anally without her consent. THAT IS RAPE!!

Do not see this man again

Awful.

we aren’t living in George Orwell’s 1984 where you or anyone else on here can rewrite something to suit your narrative.

^

🤔

No, thankfully

It’s frightening how many people call this rape. Are we meant to sign a written contract now for any sexual act? The woman in this context could have said no. If no effort was made to make her feelings known, is he supposed to be a mind reader? On the flip side, if the woman decides to slip a cheeky finger down there to find his gspot but doesn’t ask consent first (though he silently goes along with it thus implying enjoyment) does that mean she sexually assaulted him? Is this how people have sex now, with a list of dos and donts? Absolutely anal should have warranted a small conversation either yes or no, but to go along with it does not mean rape. You can’t initiate sex (in whatever form may be), go along with it silently and then say you felt uncomfortable so were raped.

Thanks for that.

I expected there'd be that resistance, which means if you actually 'get in', it's deliberate. Drunkenly (very)maybe, but not accidental.