Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

You need to get away, your h can pay for you to stay somewhere for a few days and he can look, after the dc, they will be at school and are old enough to look after themselves with dad. This won't resolve itself, its awful being told everyone hates you, where does that come from. Have you shouted and lost your temper before.

@whathaveiforgotten - a man and a woman being violent is different. Men are much stronger and more liable to do damage.

I'm not trying to minimise what the op has done, but it's not helpful comparing her to a man.

I agree, abusive mothers will often see it as us against them and they entwine themselves with the son. It's sick and abusive but harder to spot.

How is it the husbands fault?!

He’s the only decent parent they have.

I am human too but that doesn’t mean I attack my child for not cleaning their room.

Are you saying it’s ok for a man to attack his wife if she’s not cleaning up properly and he gets to the end of his tether?
As you say he’s only human so does that give him a free pass?

I guess you would blame my mother for my dad being a violent bully to us growing up.

She caused her ear to bleed! Is that not causing damage?

@Pantaloons99

I find it weird that a 16 year old is punching you in the stomach. The whole dynamic is messed up.

OP didn't give specifics about how she assaulted her daughter though. When being attacked, it's instinctive to lash out and punch / kick whatever body part you can get to in order to escape your attacker. If that happened to be OP's stomach area I don't think that's necessarily strange, it may just be the area she could get to when trying to get away.

the boy is 12,
once he is older he will change. he is still young.

@Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky this is exactly what I was thinking. This is why my post was also more sympathetic to OP.

My son does that sshh shhh thing. As with every other post I ever mention ND - I sense this again here. There's something about the whole dynamic you describe that sounds familiar. It's like you're dealing with a very head strong adult and not a child.

Yes I did and it is the husband's fault.

As the OP said, he is the fun parent. That is not parenting.

The poor OP is left being bad cop on her own so of course the kids hate her.

And it has nothing to do with him having a penis. They could be in a same-sex relationship and I would say the same.

NC.

I want to share my experience in hope it would somehow help.

When I was a child, my mum would sometimes come home from work and basically, hit me. She was working two jobs, was really tired (not an excuse!) and if something bad happened at work, she'd lash out at me basically as soon as she came through the door. I was a quiet child that loved reading, studying and caused no trouble.

I think this is part of the reason why I'm such an anxious and depressed person today. I struggle with life and sometimes wonder if not having gone through this would've made me into a happier person today.

Memories stay so please make sure you all have a chat and this never happens again. All the best.

My almost 13 year old is also ND and very similar to OP’s daughter. I spent 3 days cleaning her room (and it’s only the box room, it’s tiny). Broken mirrors (multiple) burns on furniture, filth like I have never seen. She had no interest in doing it, me helping her do it or me doing it so I did it when she went to stay with her Dad. There I categorically no abuse happening here as per the PP saying that the father was the abusive one and children don’t behave this way for no reason.

Sometimes there is no reason. Teens are like a different species. They’re brains are still developing, they sleep ALOT, they can appear to be very lazy but I sense there may be more to it in this instance. I remember being a teen and feeling unloved by my own mother (who suffered terribly with PMT and would threaten to leave every month). Our relationship is fractured to say the least. OP you need to fix this before it’s damaged beyond repair. There is no excuse for being physical with anyone, least of all your own children.

We have helped her with the job searching. We did her cv with her and I have asked in shops if they have part time positions. They obviously tell me to get my DD to call in with her cv but she won't.

I never bonded with DD, tough pregnancy and horrific delivery where she nearly died. She was unsettled after her birth and the midwife told me it was my fault that I couldn't settle my baby. From then on I never felt good enough for her. DH took over. I looked after her needs but emotionally I wasn't there. DH was then made redundant during the recession so I had to return to work when DD was 4 months old and worked her first Christmas. DH spent a lot of time with his family and DD and I was pushed out.

When I had DD14 and DS12 my DH was back in work and was rarely home so I was with them all the time.

A child breaking their bed and mirrors is a sign of SA so is the attitude to her mother. So is husband siding with same child against mother over everything.

Experience isn't prejudice. Go do a safeguarding course.

Then your husband should call the police on you.

OP, you have clearly suffered in your life, what was done to you is horrific and is not your fault. However, that does not excuse your behaviour towards your daughter. You are not necessarily a bad person, but you are not currently being a good parent.

You have recognised that you have trauma that is affecting your emotional ability to parent your daughter safely. You know that you need help. Call social services and ask for it.

Well I would be too if the other parent is mentally ill and abusive. I would do anything to make their lives as light and fun as possible. That’s also being a parent. It doesn't have to be all discipline and chores.

Get help now for the way you react to her triggering you. A lot of learned behaviour patterns going on. You need to rebuild your relationship with her from the ground up. Share small things away from rest of family, go a walk, make toast together, tell her specific things you like about her. Her punching is unacceptable and you throwing a missile is also. Violence needs to be addressed as a maladaptive coping strategy. She needs to know you like her. It’s obviously coming across that you don’t and that’s devastating to her, she’s lashing out. Teenage girl as are a bloody nightmare but it passes just don’t over focus on her room. The only way I coped was never going in the room. Put laundry basket at door once a week and insisted all rubbish and dishes thrown out once a week. Even that was a huge push. Playing a computer game with my dd or listening to her favourite music for 5 minutes a day showed I cared. It made a world of difference. 20 years later and she’s a different person!

So tell your DH he needs to lend you some money for a bit, take one of his cards and reserve a hotel online, sell something (car etc). Maybe once you’ve moved out you can think about part time work- I know you’ve been signed off but couldn’t you try being on a till in a supermarket or something like that? You absolutely need some financial independence here to go and work on yourself.

A man could do worse, absolutely.

But OP is clear:

I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in

This was a serious physical assault. She caused her to bleed.

The fact a man could do worse doesn't mean that OP's behaviour isn't comparable in any way to a father assaulting their child.

In your world maybe but most children do not ruin carpets, break beds, mirrors and flood rooms.

There is no condoning throwing a remote control at a child but it sounds like this has gradually been a result of the two parents setting different rules for this child as well as the husband being more interested in his hobbies than being a parent. OPs husband and OP are equally to blame for how this has ended up.

We haven't heard the husband's side. Just an abusive parent making a string of excuses for attacking their child. Her husband is probably trying to compensate for the abuse. He should obviously leave but perhaps doesn't think he'll get custody and doesn't want to leave them with her.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay how is the husband abusive?

To me, it doesn't matter if you are male or female. What happened was wrong and can't be allowed to happen again.
Your home life sounds awful for everyone.
You don't say that your daughter was doing anything unusual or extreme or that something had happened to make you react. You just "saw red". But you had enough control to stop when your younger children came in and saw you.
Your home doesn't sound like a safe place for you mentally or for your children. Home is supposed to be a supportive haven for all of you. Your home sounds nothing like that.
For everyone's safety (yours included) you should move out for a while. Get a job. Get yourself back. If your youngest wants to come with you they can once you're settled. You and your family cannot go on living in this toxic environment.

But the daughter is nothing like you. She is causing a lot of trouble and the husband is not supporting the OP.

Sounds like you all need counselling as a family to have any chance of moving forward. You also need to step back from the way you've been viewing your daughter. My son is 16 and has been trying all summer to find a job but there is nothing suitable (suitable hours, suitable for 16 year old, close enough for him to get to on his own). We live in a city, not a tiny place. He also had no idea how to look for a job, how to make a CV, where you might find a job, or anything.

Teenagers have kind of foggy brains, they forget things and can be badly organised because of the rapid way their brains are changing. So things like forgetting to turn off the curling tongs is probably a genuine mistake. In fact, I also did this in my 40s and have a mark on the carpet. Counselling together might help you understand each other and help you adjust your behaviour and reaction so that your relationship can improve.